You Keep Me Coming Back for More
1412 Words
With the out of towners home again, I found Damion and Antony’s lives were extremely quiet. The difference was so polar opposite it freaked me out. It had only been one day since the last person left but I had to ask, “Is it always this quiet?”
They both looked at me as if I was crazy. Antony spoke up first, “It’s too quiet for you?”
“Yes! I can’t think!”
Damion sounded confused as he asked, “How is your house normally?”
“I have the TV on with an earbud in one ear playing music. Z is usually giggling in the corner as they stim while watching something on their laptop. Dan is usually either watching something with me or on his k****e as he talks to me every ten to thirty minutes. There is always a dog moving or barking or scratching.”
“That explains why there is always a TV on when you're in a room.” Antony said quietly.
“I try not to do it because it’s your house, but I can’t always handle the quietness.” I felt guilt naw at me.
“Why didn’t you just say something? We would have figured it out.” Damion scolded.
“It wasn’t a problem until everyone was gone.”
The men looked at each other seemingly having a non-verbal conversation.
“Do you have a fear of quietness?” Damion asked.
“No. I’m not afraid of it being quiet.” I felt myself tense up. Truth was I was petrified whenever there was no sound. It had always been a problem, but since my husband died I had to have noise at all times. Everytime we lost power, I found myself close to panic.
Everything always felt dead when it was quiet.
“V, calm down.” Antony was watching me panic.
“I am calm!”
Damion reached out and touched my shoulder. I pulled away from him quickly knowing it would make me cry. I couldn’t keep crying. Antony moved forward keeping himself in front of me at all times.
“V, we won’t hurt you.”
“I’m not afraid!”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“If you touch me, I’ll cry. I can’t cry any more. It helps nothing. Everyone cries all the time, but it doesn’t do anything. All it does is make you feel exhausted and sad. I need to buck up and keep moving forward.” I felt a tightness in my chest along with wetness in my eyes. All I could think about was keeping it together. Weakness got me nowhere.
“Darlin’, please. Let me help.” Antony begged.
Help.
That word was poison to me. No one helps. My parents did, but that was obligatory. My sister did when she could but that was because she always parented me. I had a few friends, but they had lives of their own, kids of their own. No, help wasn’t something people just do. It was an obligation until it was deemed ok to back out.
“No one helps anyone.” I spat out. “My family is doing it due to obligation. No one helps no matter the tragedy. I did this. I made sure my family made it.”
“You did. You have been making sure your family is safe, happy, healthy.” Antony was calm as he talked to me. It was like he knew what I was feeling. “But what about you?”
I felt myself startle. “What about me?”
“What about you being happy? What about you being safe and healthy?”
“I’m fine.”
“Then why are you crying?”
Feeling my face, I looked at him sadly. “Why do you keep doing this to me?”
“I told you.” Antony opened his arms as an invitation, “Sometimes those who are unattached to the problem are the easiest to talk to.”
An ugly sob left me as I fell into his arms. “I’m sorry.” I kept saying over and over.
“Never be sorry.” Antony said as he held me. “I’ll be here no matter what to catch you.”
******
I had walked out back after V fell into Antony’s arms. I knew she would be safe and taken care of. My thoughts were jumbling around in my head making me confused. Thinking about what V had said to me once, I pulled my phone out and started texting Nash.
Me: Are you busy?
Nash: Nope. What’s up?
Me: V had a breakdown. I think something new cropped up and made her freak out. Antony has her.
Nash: Are you ok?
Me: I don’t think so.
Nash: What are you thinking about?
Me: She didn’t want me to touch her.
Nash: Did she say why?
Me: I would make her want to cry. She doesn’t think she can cry.
Nash: It has nothing to do with you. She was afraid.
Me: It hurt.
Nash: I’m sure it did. I can assure you that she meant nothing by it.
Me: If you say so
Nash: Is she ok?
Me: Antony has her. She is fine.
Nash: When she has calmed down, maybe we can get online and show her how we record?
Me: I’ll talk to them about it in a little bit.
Nash: Ok. I’ll wait for your text.
I left the message on read before putting my phone in my pocket again.
Walking back into the house I found V and Antony talking on the couch.
“Everything ok?” Antony asked me.
“Yeah, Nash and I were texting. He thought V might like to see how we record.”
Her eyes brightened before excitedly saying, “Yes! I would love to know how it looks behind the scenes.”
“I’ll let Nash know then.”
Me: V said she would love to watch us record.
Nash: I can get on in about ten minutes.
Me: I’ll tell them.
After telling them what Nash said, Antony and I went to our rooms to set everything up. V waited in the living room watching TV. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do, but most of the time online ones were simple and quick. I knew Antony would have a plan though.
Hearing a knock on my door, I called for them to come in. V walked in and sat on my bed saying, “I wanted to watch from your point of view if that’s ok.”
Shocked, I replied, “That’s fine. I thought you would want to be with Antony though.”
“He told me his rules and I don’t want to deal with that right now.”
“Can’t blame you. He can get controlling.”
“I want to be able to relax. It’s easier to be with you.” Her fingers twitched slightly as if she was holding herself back. It concerned me as I felt an anxious energy roll off her. “I also wanted to apoligize.”
My shock must have shone on my face. “For what?” I blurted out.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Her face was contorting like she was trying to hold back tears. “I don’t like breaking down. Especially when it comes to him. The pity is annoying and unwanted. It had nothing to do with you. I knew if you hugged me, I wouldn’t be able to hold it in any more.” V rolled her eyes. “Not that it stopped it. I guess I still have a long way to go.”
“I knew that.” I assured her. “You said so. It made sense to me.”
“I also saw the scared look in your eyes.” She replied bluntly.
“I can’t hide anything from you.” I sighed as I slumped into my chair.
A slight smile made it’s way on her face. “That’s a me thing. You can’t escape it.”
Feeling a little bit better, I let go of the residual tension I was holding. “I need to remember that.”
V ran her fingers through my hair lovingly. “How about we start this recording session now?”
Nodding, I turned to my computer, finishing what I needed to.
- Writer
