The shy's girl crush

Chapter five - He is too good

Loren's POV:

I studied with Dylan. I should say that it was a good experience. FaceTime helped me. I wouldn't be able to do it if he had been home. I always get nervous when he is around and start blushing like crazy. Being away from Dylan will help me. I mean, this way I will do more things. His essay was good, but he is taking everything too seriously. The reason for homework was to see how students could think and express themselves. That's why the topic wasn't so hard. You can write many things about it. Of course, there are some conditions which you have to follow. Dylan is a good student, but sometimes I think Jackson is pulling him back. It's good to rest once in a while. Well, this shouldn't be the main thing. Maybe I am studying too much. Technically I don't do anything else. That is my way of dealing with everything. Otherwise, I will start overthinking. It's not like I don't do this every night in bed. The thing is that I can't help myself. Sometimes I replay old conversations in my head. I do this to see what could've happened if I had said something else. The more I think about this, the more it gets worse. Honestly, I don't know why I do this. That's why I have to focus on something. I need to keep myself occupied the whole day. In school, that is easy. I have plenty of things to distract me. The problem is at home. I study all the time. The thing is that I already know everything. Well, I can start with the new lessons. No matter that we haven't studied them yet. Alice will say that I'm crazy. She is a good friend. My best friend and Jackson make the perfect couple. Maybe she can make him study more. The only problem is that she might turn the studying session into something else. I will never be as brave as her. No matter what I try. Alice needs to give me some lessons. I hope that I will manage to get over my fears. That is the only thing stopping me from being myself.

Sometimes I wonder why I exist. I have never done anything to help myself or someone else. Today I went to eat breakfast. My parents had to go out early, so I was alone. I tried distracting myself with social media posts, but it didn't work. I thought about everything that could go wrong today. Let's hope that Christina won't bother me. I don't have the energy to deal with her. Also, she needs to do something else instead of calling out people. It's not funny.

Currently, I am in school. The class finished, and I went to change my books for the next one. It's my lunch break, but I don't plan to eat. No matter what I do, people will call me out. I prefer to be alone in the hall. Well, I won't tell Alice that. Otherwise, she would want to stay with me. I waited for everyone to go to eat and sat down. I pulled out one of my books and started reading. Being alone is way better. That way, no one will bother you.

- Hi, Loren.

- Dylan. W-what are you doing here?

- I was talking with a teacher, and now I finished. Why are you alone?

- I'm not hungry.

- You started saying that often.

- So?

- You are not starving yourself, are you?

- No, I'm not. I prefer to eat at home.

- I know the food here is not great.

- It's not that.

- Is everything ok?

- I want to be alone.

- Ok, I won't bother you. - Dylan said and left

I shouldn't talk to him like that, but I don't want company now. I have to say that lately, he has started paying more attention to me. Maybe I have to be like the rest and start walking after him. That way, he might give up. Dylan still is my crush, but I won't do anything about that. Also, he won't go out with a girl like me. It's not only because of the way I look.

After school, I walked home. Alice said she was busy today. Honestly, that is perfect. I know she wants to know what is going on with me, but I don't want to explain myself to anyone. I walked into my room and checked my phone. I had a message from Dylan. Maybe I should unfriend him. Well, he can still send me messages.

Hey, Loren. I only wanted to check on you. How are you today? Do you feel better? I noticed the last couple of days that you had been upset. You can share it with me if you want to. Please, don't feel obligated to do it.

Before, you have never talked with me. I mean, you only greeted me in the morning. Now it looks like you need to know everything about me. If you want something, say it.

Why the heck did I send him this? I was a bit mad, but not at him. Now he will get me forever. It's not like I don't deserve it. Lately, I have been pulling my mood on everyone. To my surprise, there was a reply.

I know, and I'm sorry about that. The reason is that I can't talk much with girls in school. The line after me is long. Once I did it. Then the girl got warned to stay away from me. I don't want anyone to get in trouble. That includes you.

Really?

Yes. If you want, we can go out and talk.

Thanks, but I have other things to do.

Honestly, you are the only one who is not walking after me. Am I that bad? ;P

No, you're not. I have other things in my head.

I have noticed that.

Why did you start talking to me now? You could've kept ignoring me.

What? Loren, I have never ignored you. I know what you think, but it's not true. I don't do it because you feel uncomfortable around me. It's not a valid reason, but I want you to calm down. I am an ordinary boy.

Yeah, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Nice try. I won't fall for that.

Haha. If you say so. I don't feel special.

Ask the girls who walk after you.

Maybe I should start a poll on i********: :D

Please, don't do it. Your phone will blow up. ;)

Where did the shy Loren go?

She left the chat.

I see. You know what. I like this version more. I wish I had it in real life.

Really?

Loren, you are not a horrible person or a nerd. Ignore what people in school call you.

It's easy for you to say it. After all, you are the pretty boy according to every girl.

Does this include you?

No comment. I prefer to judge people's personalities, not looks.

Oops, wrong person.

Don't worry. I'll delete the picture.

You can keep it if you don't show it to anyone.

I prefer to delete it.

Ok.

Dylan and I texted for a while. I feel more comfortable when I don't see him. It's like there is a new Loren who is more confident. I wish I could be like that in real life. The thing is that this is a struggle for me. I should say that Dylan is too good. It doesn't matter that I sent him that message because he continued talking to me. Next time I will check it before I send it.

After I finished my lessons, I went into the kitchen for a snack. That's when I received another message. Dylan wanted us to go out. I already told him my answer. Maybe he wants us to do something else. As much as I want to do it, I can't. The confident Loren won't be with me. That means I will mess up.

I'm sorry, but I can't. The confident Loren won't be with me.

That's ok. I like the shy one too.

You won't give up, will you?

Nope. ;P

Ok, give me half an hour. Where do you want us to meet?

How about in front of the Mexican restaurant? No one from school goes to that area. That means you can calm down.

Nothing helps me when I am outside.

Maybe I will.

I'll go and get ready.

Great. I'll wait for you.

I walked into my room to get ready. What goes well with my ginger hair? I'm not a person who wants everything to match. Well, I want to look good next to him. We are not dating, but people are quick to make conclusions. I put on a shirt with a long sleeve and jeans. Of course, I took my jacket. It might get cold. I had almost arrived when I realized I still had my messy bun. Well, it's too late for a change. When I arrived, Dylan was already there.

- Hey. I'm glad you came.

- M-me too.

- Nice hairstyle.

- Oh, I forgot to take it off. Let me do it.

- No. I like it.

- Really?

- Yes. It suits you perfectly.

- Thanks.

- I wish the glasses were here.

- Sorry, but I wear them only when I read.

- It's ok. You still look amazing.

- Thank you.

If you think that I'm blushing, you are right. I started the moment I went out. It's not every day when you can spend time with your crush. The problem is that now I am nervous. I don't know what to say or how to act. When I am texting, I feel relaxed. No one is around me, and I can't see people's reactions. Honestly, I'm surprised that Dylan wants to go out with me. For everyone else, I am Loren The Nerd. What does he see in me that the others don't? I don't know what's wrong with me.

- Huh?

- You were thinking about something and didn't hear me.

- I'm sorry.

- It's ok. You don't have to be nervous around me. I'm not Christina or anyone else who has been mean to you.

- Why are you so good to me?

- Because I want to. Can you do me a favor?

- What?

- I want you to look at me.

- Why?

- Because I have never received a look from you.

- Eye contact is not something I like.

- I know. That's why I want you to do it.

- No, I can't.

- Are you sure?

-Yes, I am.

- I don't think so. - Dylan said and stopped walking

He carefully lifted my chin and looked at me with a smile. I feel like soon I will start crying. There are some things that I can't do. They make me feel uncomfortable and even more insecure. I might not say anything, but he will read me like an open book. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. His eyes were firmly on me.

- Why are you so sad?

- I want to go home.

- What?

- I want to go home. - I said and left

I'm sorry, but I can't do it. Not today and not with Dylan. I felt a couple of tears but didn't wipe them. No one will see me. I was walking home when someone grabbed my hand and pulled me close. I don't need to look up to know who this is. Tears started rolling down one by one, and I couldn't do anything to stop them. That's why I don't go out. Something always happens. I wanted this, but not that way. Honestly, I don't want anything anymore. It's not worth it for me.

- You can talk to me. - Dylan whispered

- I can't.

- I won't tell anyone.

- It doesn't matter.

- Why are you pushing Alice away?

- What?

- You two are best friends, but I haven't seen you talking with her in school.

- I need time for myself.

- She only wants to help you.

- I know, but I want to be alone.

- You can't be alone all the time.

- Will you let me go?

- If that is what you want. - Dylan said and pulled away

- It's better if you stop going out with me.

- What if I don't want to do it?

- It's for your good. - I said and left

I don't know why I keep pushing him away. Since I came to high school, that was what I wanted. Now I have it, but I wish I didn't. Talking about myself is not something I like. Also, I prefer to keep some things private. As much as I don't like it, I want Dylan to give up. He is a good boy and deserves better. Sometimes I think of myself as a lost case. Maybe I'm not, but I don't see anything that can prove me wrong. It's not like someone can change my mind.

I walked home. Mom was making dinner in the kitchen. I will help her. She will start asking questions, but I don't mind. After all, she is my mom, and I like sharing things with her. Well, not everything.

- Hey, mom.

- Oh, hi. Where were you? Usually, you are always at home. - mom said, chuckling

- I went for a walk.

- With a friend?

- Not exactly.

- Was it a boy?

- Yes, but before you think it, nothing happened. The boy started asking too many questions, and I walked home.

- Honey, that is not how we treat people. I'm sure he didn't have bad intentions.

- No, but talking about myself is not something I like.

- Loren, you have to be more open to people. Not everyone will like you, but some people will, and you can't push them away.

- Hey, girls. What is going on? - dad asked and kissed the top of my head

- Nothing.

- Ok, I will tell him. A boy wanted to talk with your daughter, but she pushed him away.

- Mom, seriously?

- Why did you do that?

- Because I didn't want to talk to him.

- Is he that bad?

- No. The boy is good.

- Then where is the problem?

- Can we stop talking about this? What I do is my business.

- We only want you to be happy.

- Dad, I am. Maybe I am a bit different, but it doesn't matter.

- There is nothing wrong with you. We only want you to socialize more and go outside. - mom said

- Why? I like what I'm doing.

- You are in this room all day. People your age go to parties and do god knows what else.

- So? I don't want to be like them.

- I didn't mean that.

- I don't want to hear anymore.

- But.

- No! - I said and walked to my room

The only time when I came out was for dinner. Luckily, my parents didn't bother me. I don't want to talk about anything. I wish they could understand me. Sometimes, I don't do it. Maybe I need to look at myself from another angle. I'll do whatever I want. There is nothing wrong with me. If I could believe my words, it would be great. Well, one day, it might happen. For now, I want to study. That is the only thing that keeps me distracted from my thoughts. I have tried movies and comedy shows, but they didn't help. Sometimes I wonder when my end will come. I hope that I'll find a way to fix myself. Living like that is not healthy.