Letters after Goodbye

CHAPTER 10 --The First Step

MIKA'S POV

October 24--8:11 AM

Hindi ako nakatulog nang maayos.

Sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang mga mata ko, pare-parehong salita ang nakikita ko.

You're getting closer.

But not to him.

To what you forgot.

Tatlong mensahe.

Tatlong pangungusap na wala namang malinaw na ibig sabihin pero sapat para sirain ang buong gabi ko.

Pagsapit ng alas-tres ng madaling araw, sumuko na ako.

Nagkape ako.

Maling desisyon.

Kaya ngayong alas-otso ng umaga, gising na gising ang utak ko habang pagod na pagod ang katawan ko.

Perfect combination.

Nasa harap ko ang laptop.

Nasa tabi nito ang notebook.

At sa screen--

ang email na hindi ko ipinadala kagabi.

Binasa ko ulit.

Good morning. I would like to inquire regarding a former employee, Mr. Derek Santos, who may have received an international design placement approximately three years ago…

Professional.

Simple lang.

Walang desperate ex-girlfriend energy.

That's good.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Then clicked Send.

I stared at the screen.

“Okay.”

Walang nangyari.

Of course.

Email lang iyon.

Hindi naman biglang lalabas si Derek sa pinto.

Pero sa simpleng pagpindot ko ng isang button, may nagbago.

For three years, I waited.

Today--

I searched.

Tinago ko ang phone ko sa drawer habang nagtatrabaho.

Ayokong makita kung may bagong message.

Hindi ko kailangan ng panibagong palaisipan.

May totoong paraan na ako para makakuha ng impormasyon.

No anonymous numbers.

No cryptic messages.

Just facts.

I could work with facts.

Bandang alas-diyes, may email notification.

Napatalon halos ang puso ko.

Just a client.

“Of course.”

I opened it.

Revision.

Wrong shade of blue.

Mas importante raw ang “premium feeling.”

Whatever that meant.

At least, solvable.

For the next two hours, pinilit kong mag-focus.

Then at 12:26--

another email.

This time, from the architecture firm.

I froze.

Binuksan ko agad.

Formal ang response.

They acknowledged my inquiry but explained they couldn't provide private employment records or personal contact details.

Well, just expected.

Then I reached the final paragraph.

We can confirm that Mr. Santos was considered for an overseas professional opportunity during his time with the firm. However, we are unable to disclose further information regarding the arrangement.

I read it again.

Considered.

Not accepted.

Not transferred.

Considered.

“That's still something.”

It proved the opportunity existed.

I wasn't wrong.

But it didn't prove he actually went.

My stomach tightened.

I closed the email.

No.

One step at a time.

Lara called after lunch.

I considered ignoring her.

Then answered.

“Hello?”

“Buhay ka pa?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Hindi nakakatawa.”

“Medyo.”

“Mika..”

“I'm fine.”

She sighed.

“May message ulit?”

“Wala.”

That was true.

Since last night, nothing.

“Good.”

“I emailed Derek's old company.”

Silence.

“Of course you did.”

“They replied.”

“And?”

“They confirmed the overseas opportunity.”

“That's it?”

“That's something.”

“Mika--”

“Please don't.”

“Hindi kita pipigilan.”

That surprised me.

“What?”

“Hindi kita pipigilan maghanap.”

I sat straighter.

“Really?”

“Hindi naman kita kayang pigilan.”

“Different thing.”

“Still.”

Her voice softened.

“Pero sana hindi mo kalimutan sarili mo habang ginagawa mo 'to.”

I frowned.

“What does that mean?”

“Three years kang umikot kay Derek.”

“He's not some obsession, Lara.”

“I didn't say that.”

“Sounded like it.”

“He was part of your life. A huge part. I know.”

“Was?”

Silence.

Again.

That word.

I closed my eyes.

“Lara.”

“Sorry.”

“Why do you keep talking about him like he's--”

I stopped.

Like he's what?

Gone?

Technically, he was.

Canada.

Far away.

Maybe that was all she meant.

“Never mind.”

“Mika…”

“I'm tired.”

“Then rest.”

“I'll call you.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah.”

Before ending the call, she said my name again.

“Mika?”

“What?”

“I love you.”

I blinked.

“That was random.”

“Just saying.”

“Love you too.”

She ended the call.

I stared at the phone.

Something about it felt like a goodbye.

I hated that.

That afternoon, I decided not to research Derek.

Instead, I cleaned.

Cleaning made sense.

Objects had places.

Plates belonged in cabinets.

Books belonged on shelves.

Clothes belonged in closets.

Unlike people.

People could leave.

People could disappear.

People could write every month and still refuse to tell you where they were.

I reorganized the desk.

Then the drawers.

Inside the lowest drawer, I found an old envelope.

Not one of Derek's letters.

A regular white envelope.

Inside were receipts, old movie tickets, random scraps of paper.

Things I'd kept without reason.

One receipt from Paper Moon.

One cinema ticket.

One tiny sketch of a cat that looked like a potato.

Derek.

I smiled.

Then another piece of paper.

A torn notebook page.

His handwriting.

Things Mika hates:

Raisins.

Being late.

Unplanned plans.

My coffee.

When I say “bahala na.”

Underneath, my handwriting:

Derek.

Then his:

Liar.

I laughed.

Actually laughed.

“Idiot.”

I sat on the floor.

For a moment, there was no mystery.

No anonymous sender.

No Canada.

Just us.

The way we used to be.

I missed that version of my life.

Maybe the anonymous sender was right about one thing.

Maybe I didn't only miss Derek.

Maybe I missed myself when I was with him.

But that didn't mean I loved him less.

At 6:03 PM, my phone finally vibrated.

Unknown number.

I stared at it.

I could block it.

I should.

Instead, I opened the message.

Unknown Number: Still looking?

I didn't reply.

Another came.

Unknown Number: You won't find what you're looking for in Canada.

My jaw tightened.

I typed:

Me: THEN WHERE?

For once, the response was immediate.

Unknown Number: Closer.

I stared.

Me: ANO'NG IBIG SABIHIN MO?

No reply.

Me: CLOSER WHERE?

Nothing.

I called.

Unavailable.

“Coward.”

I threw the phone onto the sofa.

Closer.

Closer than Canada?

Metro Manila?

Did Derek come back?

The thought hit so suddenly that I stood.

What if he had?

What if Derek wasn't in Canada anymore?

What if the letters weren't vague because he was hiding overseas--

but because he was already here?

My heart started pounding.

“No.”

That made even less sense.

If he was here, why wouldn't he see me?

Unless he didn't want to.

That hurt.

I sat down again.

Maybe the anonymous sender was lying.

Maybe that was the entire point.

Confuse me.

Make me question everything.

It was working.

That night, I opened Letter number 36.

The newest.

The one that started all of this.

My Mika,

Kumain ka na ba?

I read until the last line.

Mahal pa rin kita.

-D

“Then where are you?”

Silence.

“Kung mahal mo pa ako, bakit hindi mo sabihin?”

Nothing.

I hated talking to paper.

I folded the letter.

Then I noticed the envelope.

For the first time, I didn't look at Derek's handwriting.

I looked at everything else.

The stamp.

The markings.

The edges.

I wasn't an expert.

I didn't know what any of them meant.

But suddenly, one thought entered my mind.

If Derek wouldn't tell me where he was--

maybe the letters could.

I turned the envelope over.

There were markings I'd ignored for years because they didn't matter.

Why would they?

The letter arrived.

That was enough.

Until now.

I took another envelope from the box.

Then another.

Placed them beside each other.

Different dates.

Same yellow envelopes.

Same familiar handwriting.

I didn't know what I was looking for.

So I stopped.

Not tonight.

I had already spent days digging through memories.

Maybe it was time to stop asking my memories for answers.

Maybe I needed something that couldn't forget.

The paper.

The ink.

The dates.

The records.

Things that existed whether I remembered them or not.

I returned the envelopes to the box.

Tomorrow, I would start there.

Not Canada.

Not yet.

The letters.

If I wanted to know where Derek was--

I would follow the only thing that had consistently traveled between us for three years.

Before bed, I stood by the window.

For a moment, I imagined him again.

Derek.

Somewhere cold.

Sitting beside a window.

Cream paper on the table.

Pen in his hand.

Maybe he was writing next month's letter.

Maybe he was thinking about me.

In my head, he looked tired.

Older.

Sad.

Then he smiled.

That familiar smile.

The one that always made me forgive him faster than I should.

Malapit na, Mika.

My chest tightened.

“Sa November pa ang next letter.”

In my imagination, he laughed.

Hindi iyon ang ibig kong sabihin.

I opened my eyes.

The image vanished.

Metro Manila stretched outside my window.

Warm lights.

Distant traffic.

Reality.

I touched the glass.

“I'm going to find you.”

Not today.

Maybe not tomorrow.

But eventually.

And this time, I wouldn't wait for Derek to decide when I was allowed to know the truth.

I turned away from the window.

Under my bed were thirty-six letters.

For three years, I had treated them as proof that Derek still loved me.

Tomorrow--

I would start treating them as a trail.

And wherever that trail led,

I would follow.

-END OF CHAPTER TEN-