Letters after Goodbye

CHAPTER 5--Before Canada

MIKA'S POV

October 19--9:06 AM

Hindi ko sinagot ang huling mensahe.

Hindi ko rin binlock ang numero.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Siguro dahil napagod na akong mag-block. Dalawang numero na ang binlock ko at parang walang pakialam kung sino man ang nagpapadala. Palagi siyang may panibagong paraan para bumalik.

O baka may parte sa akin na naghihintay ng susunod niyang sasabihin.

Ayokong aminin iyon.

Kaya inilagay ko na lang ang phone ko sa drawer.

Out of sight, out of mind.

At least, iyon ang plano.

The truth.

Dalawang salita lang.

Pero mula kagabi, hindi na iyon nawala sa isip ko.

Anong katotohanan?

Na nag-away kami ni Derek?

Alam ko.

Na umalis siya?

Alam ko rin.

Na hindi kami nakapag-usap bago siya pumunta sa Canada?

Alam ko.

Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong malaman?

Huminga ako nang malalim at tumingin sa laptop.

May trabaho ako.

May deadline.

May buhay ako.

Hindi pwedeng umiikot ang buong araw ko sa isang taong tatlong taon nang nasa kabilang panig ng mundo.

At sa kung sino mang walang magawa sa buhay na nagpapadala sa akin ng cryptic messages.

Binuksan ko ang design file.

Labing-isang minuto ang lumipas.

Wala akong nagawa.

“Fantastic.”

Tumayo ako.

Kape.

Kailangan ko ng kape.

Habang naghihintay sa coffee maker, napatingin ako sa kalendaryo sa refrigerator.

October 19.

Twenty-seven days bago ang susunod na sulat.

Dati, pagkatapos ng fifteenth, hindi ko na binibilang ang mga araw.

Alam ko lang na darating ulit iyon.

Parang sweldo.

Parang buwanang bills.

Parang bagay na hindi mo kailangang pag-isipan dahil sigurado kang mangyayari.

Every fifteenth.

Derek writes.

I read.

I reply.

Then wait.

Simple.

At least, simple noon.

Kinuha ko ang kape.

Napansin ko ang maliit na marka ng tinta sa gilid ng hintuturo ko.

Black.

I rubbed it.

“Printer.”

Nagpalit ako ng cartridge kahapon.

Siguro doon galing.

Hinugasan ko ang kamay ko.

Nawala rin.

Nothing.

Bandang tanghali, lumabas ako.

Hindi dahil may pupuntahan akong importante.

Kailangan ko lang umalis sa apartment.

Kapag masyado akong matagal sa loob, napapansin ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko naman kailangang pansinin.

The box under my bed.

Derek's sketch.

The paper sample.

My phone.

My memories.

So I went outside.

Naglakad ako papunta sa isang maliit na bookstore na madalas kong puntahan kapag kailangan kong bumili ng sketchpad.

Matao.

Good.

Mas madaling hindi mag-isip kapag napapalibutan ka ng ibang tao.

Dumiretso ako sa art supplies.

Pens.

Markers.

Paper.

I reached for my usual sketchpad.

Then stopped.

Sa kabilang shelf, may cream-colored stationery.

Hindi Aurelia.

Different brand.

But still--

It's Cream.

Napairap ako sa sarili ko.

“It's just a paper, Mika.”

Paper lang.

Hindi lahat ng cream paper ay tungkol kay Derek.

Kinuha ko ang sketchpad at naglakad papunta sa pens.

May batang umiiyak sa kabilang aisle.

May couple na nagtatalo kung anong notebook ang bibilhin.

May dalawang college students na naghahanap ng yellow pad.

Normal.

I liked normal.

Then I saw it.

Mechanical pencil.

Black body.

Silver clip.

Parehong model na ginagamit ni Derek noon.

Hindi ko sinasadyang abutin iyon.

Pero ginawa ko.

And just like that--

“Stop buying me pencils.”

“Architect ka.”

“Exactly. I have pencils.”

“Hindi mo mahanap.”

“That's different.”

“Last week, tatlo nawala mo.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

Derek checked his pockets.

Then his bag.

Then the table.

I stared.

“Anong hinahanap mo?”

“My pencil.”

I slowly raised the new one I had bought.

He grinned.

“See? Kaya kailangan kita.”

“Hindi girlfriend kailangan mo. Secretary.”

“Girlfriend na secretary?”

“Break na tayo.”

He laughed.

“Ang bilis.”

I handed him the pencil.

He examined it dramatically.

“Wow.”

“Twenty-eight pesos lang 'yan.”

“It's not about the price.”

“Then?”

He tucked it behind his ear.

“Galing sa'yo.”

“Corny.”

“Mahal mo.”

“Unfortunately.”

He leaned closer.

“Say it properly.”

“No.”

“Mika.”

“Work.”

“Say it.”

“Derek.”

“Say it.”

I pushed his face away.

“Mahal kita. Happy?”

“Very.”

Then he kissed my palm.

And for one stupid second, I forgot why I was annoyed.

“Ma'am?”

Napakurap ako.

Isang staff ang nakatingin sa akin.

“Yes?”

“Kukunin niyo po?”

Napatingin ako sa pencil na hawak ko.

“Oh.”

I returned it.

“Hindi po.”

I walked away.

Mabilis.

Parang may hinahabol.

O tinatakasan.

Sa labas ng bookstore, umupo ako sa bench.

I hated that memories could do that.

Bigla na lang dumarating.

Walang warning.

At mas nakakainis dahil karamihan sa kanila, maganda.

Derek laughing.

Derek drawing.

Derek stealing my food.

Derek asking if I'd eaten.

Derek saying mahal kita like it was the easiest truth in the world.

Then Canada happened.

And suddenly, remembering him became a collection of before and after.

Before Canada.

After Canada.

Before the fight.

After the fight.

Before Derek left.

After--

My head throbbed.

I closed my eyes.

“Not today.”

My phone vibrated.

I almost didn't check.

But I did.

Lara.

L: Alive?

I replied.

Me: Unfortunately.

L: Lunch tomorrow?

Me: Maybe.

L: That's a yes.

Me: That's literally a maybe.

L: See you.

I smiled.

At least Lara was acting normal again.

Or trying to.

Maybe I should do the same.

Pag-uwi ko, may nakita akong notification sa email.

Paolo.

For a moment, naalala kong pumayag pala akong makipagkape sa kanya.

@Paolo: Saturday still okay?

I stared at it.

Then replied:

Me: May hahabulin akong work this weekend. Rain check.

It wasn't entirely a lie.

May trabaho naman talaga ako.

Pero hindi iyon ang dahilan.

Hindi ko lang kayang makipagkape sa isang lalaking alam kong interesado sa akin habang bawat sulok ng utak ko ay puno ng isang taong wala rito.

Paolo replied a few minutes later.

@Paolo: No worries.

That's it.

No drama.

No insistence.

Good.

I closed the email.

That afternoon, I tried something stupid.

I made a list.

MGA NAALALA KO

I stared at the heading.

Then started typing.

Nag-away kami tungkol sa Canada.

May job opportunity siya roon.

Hindi ko gustong umalis siya.

Sinabi niyang babalik siya.

Nagkaroon kami ng malaking away.

Nag-message siya: Hindi ko na kaya. Sorry.

Tinawagan ko siya. Hindi niya sinagot.

Umalis siya papuntang Canada.

I stopped.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard.

How did I know?

Lara?

Derek?

His family?

Did someone tell me?

I tried to remember.

Three days after the message.

Lara came to my apartment.

I remembered that.

She looked terrible.

Red eyes.

Pale.

I remembered asking--

May balita ka kay Derek?

Then--

What?

I closed my eyes.

Lara standing near my door.

Wet hair.

Was it raining?

“Mika…”

“Tinawagan mo ba siya?”

Lara didn't answer.

“Baka nasa flight na.”

“Mika.”

“Canada.”

Her face.

Something was wrong with her face.

“Baka tinuloy niya.”

Then--

Nothing.

I opened my eyes.

My chest felt tight.

Wait.

Did Lara actually tell me Derek went to Canada?

I looked on the last sentence I type.

Umalis siya papuntang Canada.

I added:

Sino ang nagsabi sa akin?

Then immediately deleted the question.

“This is ridiculous.”

I closed the document.

Hindi ako detective.

At hindi rin nawawala si Derek.

He writes to me.

Every month.

End of story.

My phone buzzed.

Unknown number.

My stomach sank.

I opened it.

Unknown Number: What did Lara tell you that day?

I stood so fast my chair rolled backward.

No.

Coincidence.

It had to be.

I typed:

Me: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT?

Reply.

Unknown Number: I don't.

Then:

Me: But you do.

“What the hell does that mean?”

Another message.

Unknown Number: You were the one who said Canada.

My hands went cold.

I stared at the screen.

No.

The memory from a few seconds ago returned.

Lara at the door.

Red eyes.

Me saying--

Baka nasa flight na.

Canada.

Was that what happened?

I called the number.

For the first time, it rang.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

My heart hammered.

Then--

The call ended.

No answer.

I called again.

This time, straight to voicemail.

“Coward.”

I threw the phone onto the desk.

At 11:16 PM, hindi pa rin ako natutulog.

Nakahiga ako, nakatingin sa kisame.

You were the one who said Canada.

Maybe Lara told someone about that day.

Maybe the anonymous sender knew her.

Maybe this was all some cruel joke.

There had to be an explanation.

I turned toward the window.

Outside, may mga ilaw pa rin sa ibang apartment.

People awake.

People living ordinary lives.

I wondered what Derek was doing.

Morning pa siguro sa Canada.

Maybe coffee.

Maybe work.

Maybe--

I stopped.

Three years.

Hindi ko alam kung saang city siya nakatira.

Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nagtatrabaho ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung may apartment siya.

Hindi ko alam kung sino ang mga kaibigan niya roon.

Hindi ko alam ang phone number niya.

Address.

Nothing.

Thirty-six letters.

And somehow, none of them had ever given me enough information to actually find him.

That thought sat heavily in my chest.

For three years, hindi ko iyon kinuwestiyon.

Maybe because I was afraid that if I searched for him and he didn't want to be found, I'd lose the only part of him that still came back to me.

The letters.

I got out of bed.

Pulled out the box.

Thirty-six.

I didn't open them.

I simply counted.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Until thirty-six.

Then I noticed something.

The first three envelopes were slightly different.

Not enough to matter.

Mas luma lang.

Mas faded.

Normal.

Three years old.

But they were stacked together because of the dates.

One.

Two.

Three.

I touched the third.

Then the fourth.

For some reason, I felt something I couldn't explain.

Not recognition.

Not fear.

Just--

something.

I pulled my hand away.

“Stop.”

Ibinalik ko ang takip.

I pushed the box under the bed.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang hinahanap ko.

Maybe nothing.

Maybe the anonymous sender had already succeeded.

Because three days ago, Derek's letters were the safest thing in my life.

Ngayon, kahit ayokong pagdudahan ang mga iyon, may mga tanong nang pumapasok sa isip ko.

Derek wrote them.

I knew that.

I had to know that.

But if Derek really went to Canada--

bakit hindi ko maalala kung sino ang nagsabi sa akin na umalis siya?

At mas nakakatakot--

bakit parang mas malinaw kong naaalala ang kuwento tungkol sa pag-alis niya kaysa sa mismong araw na nangyari iyon?

I closed my eyes.

Then whispered the same thing I had believed for three years.

“Umalis ka lang.”

Again.

“Umalis ka lang, Derek.”

As if saying it twice could make it more true.

-END OF CHAPTER FIVE-