Defending Deanna

Chapter 8

Deanna

"I'm so sorry that he got bail. I can't believe that they would even entertain that. This should not have happened, and we take full responsibility for this whole disaster.” The DA says a few hours later at our meeting.

I am still a bit in shock myself about all this. He kidnapped two young girls and killed one of them but there was a slight issue with evidence in his case, so they just let him go free. I don’t understand the law at all. How was that fair? How was that even legal?

"Yeah, it wasn't exactly what I hoped for."

That was an understatement but there wasn’t anything to be done about it now. We are here and we just have to accept things and move on.

"It's going to be ok. We have more than enough evidence to put him away forever."

If that was the case, then why did they forge evidence originally? I don't want him to get out ever. I always knew that it was likely he would be free at some point. I always planned to do all I could to keep him in prison for as long as possible. I planned to attend every parole hearing and remind everyone how much of a monster he is. It’s all I can do to make sure he can never hurt another child, like he hurt Savannah and me. The rest of it is out of my hands.

The DA who handled my case the first time had basically guaranteed he wouldn’t get parole before the 20 years because of how awful his crimes were. I relied on that and counted on not having to see him anything soon.

"Are you sure you're ready to face him? It's important, but your mental health is more important. It will definitely help convict him if they get a statement from the victim themselves and since Savannah is gone, that leaves you to tell your story as well as hers."

I wasn't as strong in those first few months after my rescue. I had resigned myself to never being saved. He had told me every day that I was his forever, and nobody was looking for me and nobody would come. Not to mention what had come of Savannah. I figured that was my fate as well.

Time blurred while I was held. Sometimes it felt like only days had passed and other times it felt like months and months had passed. It was so hard to keep it straight and some days he would leave me mostly alone and others he wanted all my attention. I slept when I could, I would start at almost every sound, terrified he was coming back to torture me more.

I was shocked when I was finally rescued and brought home. I was so scared and traumatized that I knew I wasn't strong enough to face him. They ended up using a video of my testimony. And the opposing lawyer was there but my captor wasn't. It was all I could handle. And honestly, I could barely handle that much.

Reliving what he did to me and put me through was so horrifying and knowing that so many people would see it and know what I let him do to me, was almost too much to handle. It was bad enough that my mom and brother went to court every day and heard all the details. I wished that nobody had to know anything, and I could just keep it my secret forever.

I wished my family had stayed away so they wouldn’t have known what he made me do, but they felt it was important to be there to remind the jury of the victims. They never commented but I still felt so dirty and broken I hated that they knew so much.

It's different now though. I’m an adult and it's been 10 years. I’m terrified to face him, but I can do it. I’m gonna come into the courtroom and lay it all out there. There are details that I never revealed because of how dirty they made me feel and I hope that I won’t have to talk about those details now, but I will share them if I have to. I will literally do anything it takes to put him away again.

"I've got this. I'm not a traumatized 14-year-old anymore who just barely survived the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've had a lot of years to think about what he did to me. I have talked about it with multiple therapists. I'm ready to use it against him. I'm ready to show him that he made a huge mistake when he dragged this all back up. This appeal will be the worst decision of his life. I was too traumatized then but not anymore. He wants to bring it all back, fine then I'm ready. He doesn't know who he's messing with."

I mean every word, but I still feel so fragile, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to handle it. I’m not looking forward to facing him again, but I will show up to court and hope that I am truly strong enough to stand up to him now.

The DA smiles. "I was hoping you would say that. The issue with the evidence was unfortunate and this time we are going to be even more careful to make sure nothing like this happens but you're our star. You are the only witness to everything he did. There is evidence and the police who chased him, and found you. Not to mention the evidence to do with his other victim, but you are the only one who knows what truly went on in that hellhole. I was never very happy with the sentence to begin with, I had hoped he would get more time. So, my hope is that this new trial rectifies that and he gets even more time. I’m hoping for life without the possibility of parole, but I can’t guarantee anything."

Visions of the basement I was held in flash through my mind. All the crying and begging to go home. It all comes crashing back and I start to go dizzy for a second. I can smell the musty smell. The strong scent of urine from the times when he punished me by not giving me any slack on my chains. I hard pokey mattress that was so incredibly uncomfortable and smelled like vomit and pee. It all comes rushing back in perfect color. I grab onto his desk to keep myself on my feet. It’s all so overwhelming. It has been years since I’ve had a flashback this vivid.

He grabs me to help keep me on my feet and it sends me spinning back to my captor and the way he would grab my upper arms and shake me when I wouldn’t react fast enough.

I yell at the poor DA to let me go and before I can even realize what is happening Ryker is in the room demanding that the DA step back.

He raises his hands and steps back and then Ryker is there talking to me in a calm soothing voice, and it drags me back to the present. Back to him.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I smell the fresh and citrusy scent of his office it's grounding. I'm not in that awful basement. I am free.

I face the DA with an apologetic expression. "I am so sorry that happened."

"Miss Maddox, it's understandable. What you went through was horrible and I'm so sorry I triggered you. I shouldn’t have grabbed you and I’m very sorry. But it definitely worries me. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

I take another deep breath. "Yes, I can handle it."

I want to be ready more than anything, but this makes me doubt myself. I don’t get this level of triggered often anymore but the reminder of that damn basement and my fears over seeing him again, was a bit too much in that moment.

"I hope that’s true. But I worry what will happen if you have another outburst in the courtroom. He will be on his A game, because he is fighting for his life. I need you to bring your A game as well."

Ryker reacts before I can say anything. "You should never make her do this. She was tortured and hurt for 2 months and now she has to face him again. You guys are the idiots who messed up and gave him the chance to do this. Where the hell was your A game then? Huh?"

I take another deep breath. I almost want to laugh. He does kind of have a point, but it is what it is at this point. It wasn’t this exact DA's fault, the police messed up not the DA, and then he wasn’t even the DA at the time. The last trial had a different DA. I don’t hold either of them responsible, but that didn’t change the fact that I am in this position because the cops messed up. I shouldn’t have to do this at all, but this is where we are, and I will find the strength, because I won’t let him go free. That isn’t even an option.

I open my eyes and straighten my back. "Ryker, thank you, but I've got this.” I push past him and look the DA in his eyes.

"That monster may be fighting for his life right now, but I fought for mine every day while he held me captive. I survived things most people can't even imagine. I may still have hard moments and I may stumble at times. All this appeal stuff has opened up some old wounds. I have had to face what he did to me hundreds of times in the last 10 years. I have regretted my weakness at his first trial. I hated that I wasn't strong enough and that he knows I wasn't strong enough. I have wished a thousand times that I could show him that he doesn't win and that I'm ok. So, when I go into that courtroom, I will have on more than my A game because every day that he's wasting away in that cell I want him to know that he didn't win. Every day for the rest of his life he will know that I was stronger than him. That even all his torture and manipulations and threats weren’t enough to break me. When I walk into that courtroom, I will be ready. He hasn't broken me yet and he never will."

I feel tears filling my eyes, but I fight them back. I will not lose it right now. I’m making an important point. And I won’t undermine that by falling apart again in front of him. Truthfully, I’m not sure I’m ready but I will not let this man decide for me. I will do whatever it takes to be ready when the time comes because again, I don’t have a choice.

The DA nods. “That's all I needed to know. I am so sorry for what happened to you and that we dropped the ball. I'm not going to let that happen again. This time we are going for broke. We are throwing everything we have at him."

I nod at him. It’s all I can muster at the moment. “Good because I'm not losing. I'm not letting him go free."

“Neither am I."

We share a moment of understanding. We are both going to bring everything we have to win this case and that's reassuring to me. He’s not the enemy. We are on the same team and we both want to win more than anything.

"Why don't you go home. This has been a trying day. We'll have to go over your testimony eventually, but I think we've had enough for today."

I want to disagree and stay and keep fighting but I need to get out of his office before my legs give out and Ryker has to carry me out of here.

We leave and I can feel Ryker hovering and worrying, and I hate that I’m so weak, and he saw that part of me that I’ve tried to hide so deep.

I have spent years trying to keep it together in public. A part of the reason I chose my job in the beginning was because it meant that I could work from home, and I wouldn't have to go to an office and risk having a breakdown or being triggered randomly.

But not now, because Ryker is at my house so I can't crawl into a ball and cry all night. It makes things harder, but I’ll have to find a way to get through it.