Defending Deanna

Chapter 2

Deanna

I pace my apartment after my brother and Ryker leave. That did not go the way I had planned. Maddox has been pestering me for days to let him move in to keep me safe. The minute we heard that there was even a possible appeal in the case my brother was circling the wagons to protect me. I knew if the appeal went through it would only worsen his protective instincts.

I never imagined even with the appeal happening that the monster would be released on bail even with an ankle monitor. The DA is not happy about that development, and neither is my family. Especially my overprotective brother. He is losing it.

A few months ago, the DA had called me personally and asked to see me. He explained that my monster was motioning for a new trail. Apparently one of the police officers had held back some evidence and that meant that he may not have been convicted if the evidence had been shared. So, because the officer was overzealous, my own personal demon had earned himself more time in the sun and more time torturing me.

I understand the officer was just trying to help, but I believe he would have been convicted anyway, so it was a needless and stupid decision and now I’m being victimized again because of it.

They literally found me in his dingy basement. I was dirty and clearly; I had been abused and tortured. There was a ton of evidence around me but also on my body.

I am livid about all of this, and I can’t believe he’s getting this chance to make me relive the worst time in my life. Unfortunately, the law gives the criminal more respect than the victims.

Once the retrial had become official, I knew it was just a matter of time before Maddox would try to convince me to let him move in. I knew I would probably give in to his demands, I usually do, because he blames himself for my kidnapping and I hate to make any of that worse, so I give in and let him protect me most of the time.

After I was rescued, my brother hovered. He was planning to go to a college out of state but switched to a school close by so he could live at home to protect me. At the time I was so messed up by what I had gone through. I was so caught up in my trauma and fear, that I didn’t realize the shift in our relationship and how much he would worry for the rest of our lives.

I was grateful he stayed because I was so scared all the time. But once he had been convicted and I went through some therapy, I was ready to try and have a life.

I thought going away to college would help give us some space and free him to have his own life again but nope, bought an apartment close by and insisted I live with him instead of the dorms. It drove me a bit crazy but at the same time his hovering helped me feel safe and with the nightmares that still haunted my dreams, I had been pretty nervous about sharing a room with some unsuspecting college student.

After I graduated, I finally felt ready to live on my own. He hadn’t liked the idea at all. I had to beg him and convince him I could handle it. The first few months he would sleep over at times just in case. I even made him his own room just in case, but finally, he mostly let me have my own life, aside from the thousand security measures he had installed. I appreciated all his care and worry but I didn’t want to keep him from having his own life any longer.

I studied graphic design in college and got a cushy job after I graduated. I can work mostly from home, so I needed my own space. The monster had been locked away for years and Maddox had started his own security firm with Ryker, so he finally agreed. He set up the mother of all security systems in my apartment but finally I was on my own.

Then a few months ago everything changed when that damned appeal happened. He was supposed to be locked away forever and now there was a chance he could win his freedom and I would never admit how much that truly terrified me. I tried to put on a brave front and pretend that I had everything together, but I was more of a mess than anyone knew.

I still have nightmares about my time with my captor. And I still go to therapy weekly to deal with things. I was a mess still in a lot of ways and I worried Maddox would figure it out if he moved in. I love my brother desperately and I appreciate his loyalty and devotion to keeping me safe, but he has already given up so much for me, I don’t want him to give up anymore.

I had been prepared to stand up to him, but I hadn't been prepared for him to willingly compromise and throw Ryker in the mix. I don't want to be around Ryker. He reminds me of before and what I wanted but could never have. And now I am too damaged and broken for a normal relationship. Ryker made me want what I always wanted and that just let me down because I am broken and damaged now. I will never have normal now.

I had accepted that, but Ryker makes me wish for things that aren't an option, and that broke my heart. So, it was hard to be around him. I don’t know how much he has heard about what happened to me in my captivity, but he is my brother’s best friend, so I’m sure he knows a lot more than I want him to and I know in my heart that he will always see that and how tainted I am by what I was forced to do.

After I came home, I avoided everybody, but I avoided Ryker the most. During my time in captivity, I had a lot of time to think about him and my silly crush. I realized that I had been fooling myself into thinking he would ever see me as anything but Maddox’s little sister. He had proven that at the theater when he left for that other girl. I was sure we had shared a moment but clearly it had been wishful thinking. If we had a chance at all, he wouldn’t have left to talk to another girl.

I never blamed him for my kidnapping. He couldn’t have known what was going to happen. But I did realize that he didn’t see me as a woman or a possible girlfriend. I had been so sure that eventually he would see me for the woman I was becoming, it would maybe take some time, but he would come around. He had to, because I knew in my heart that we were meant to be.

After all I went through though, I knew that would never happen because I didn’t know how to be normal ever again. I didn’t have a chance of getting him to see the amazing woman I am, because I’m not amazing, I’m a mess and I don’t know how to fix it all. There wasn’t enough glue in all the glue factories in the world to fix all my broken bits.

It only made me feel worse about myself to be around him and know all he would see when he looked at me was how dirty and broken I am. How could anyone want to be with me when they knew what I had been forced to do? I hate to think about it. I can’t stand to see it through his eyes too. So, I avoided him and hid as much as possible.

Over the years I missed him. God did I miss him. While he was Maddox’s best friend, he was also mine. He would come around and we would talk often, and I cherished every moment we got. I lived for it. Not having him in my life had felt like another loss but I couldn’t handle the pity I saw in his eyes every time he looked at me. I wanted him to see me as a beautiful strong woman, but I wasn’t that girl anymore. I was tarnished and I couldn’t let him see that when I was already so fragile.

But now he is moving in, and I had stupidly agreed, but when I saw the desperation in my brother’s eyes, I couldn't say no. So, I had chosen what I hoped was the lesser of the two evils. It would be hard to live with Ryker and have him in my space, but once everything was over, he would at least leave. I’ve lost hope that I could get Maddox out again once the trial happens. If he realizes how much I still struggle with everything, he will never leave. He would want to protect me and help me. He wouldn’t see that it was impossible at this point to fix what was broken inside me.

The DA is sure he can get a conviction again, but I am terrified that he will lose, and my captor will be set free. I hate to even entertain that idea but after what he did, I fear it’ll never really be over. I guess a part of me always feared something like this could happen. Not this specifically, but my biggest fear since I was rescued was that he would find a way to come back and now here he is. Why can’t he just go away?

This whole situation is just so unfair. I survived him and the hell he put me through. I won, he lost. He didn’t break me fully. I was alive and free, and he was supposed to be stuck in a cage for as long as possible. The only time I planned to see him again was at his parole hearings when I would testify to keep him in prison as long as possible. This wasn’t supposed to happen and now he is messing with my life again and I am pissed.

******

10 Years Ago

I glance at Ryker as he watches the stupid animated movie that my brother insisted, I watch. Maddox is so ridiculous. I am 14 not 5. I am almost a woman and yet he still thinks I need a babysitter and to watch an animated movie. But at least Ryker is here.

I know he’s here to babysit me which irks me to no end. I don't need a babysitter. But Ryker is so much fun, and he makes me feel things. I have loved him for years, but he never notices me the way I notice him, Lately it feels like things are changing. He is looking at me more and smiling at me more. I’ve always watched him and paid close attention to him, but lately it feels like he watches me back. I feel his eyes on me in a way I never did before. I feel like there is a shift in our relationship. He seems to like being around me more than he ever has.

He always came over a lot, to spend time with Maddox but lately, sometimes he will come when Maddox isn’t home, and we sit in the living room talking and laughing and it is so special. I live for our moments alone. He seems to really enjoy them too.

At first it seems like such a crazy coincidence that he would come over when Maddox wasn’t home. He couldn’t have known was Maddox was at all times but then it started to seem like less of a coincidence and like maybe he was coming around to see me and not Maddox.

It gives me hope that maybe he can eventually see me as more than just his best friend’s little sister. I am quickly becoming a woman. I just need him to see it.

I glance over at him again and smile. "I can't believe he suckered you into watching this baby movie with me,” I say laughing.

He laughs along and it makes me so happy. I love that I can make him happy. "Hey, I will have you know I love animated animals talking and saving the day. They're my favorite kind of baby movies.” He says laughing.

I laugh even harder. There’s something about Ryker that just lifts my spirits and makes me happy. He doesn’t treat me like a baby like Maddox always has. "You are so stupid.” I turn back to the movie and eat more popcorn thrilled by the fun with him.

He reaches for some popcorn, and I have the bucket on my lap, so his hand brushes mine. I freeze for a second. I wish he would leave his hand there forever. We so rarely touch. I want him to touch me and hold my hand. Just the little touch of our hands in the bucket is enough to thrill me. It feels like it goes on for minutes, but it was probably only a second or two.

When he pulls back his hand with some popcorn, I want to sigh. A part of me was hoping that he would finally hold my hand. I know he probably doesn't see me the way I see him. But he makes me feel special. And I’m so disappointed and sad when he leaves, and I look forward to seeing him again. Somehow, he can make everything better by just being around.

I smile at him again. "Ok, so I bet the jerk pig is gonna be the savior at the end. He's gonna find a heart and help.”

He laughs, "I don't know he seems kind of far gone. Maybe he betrays them at the last second.”

I huff. I can’t help it. Doesn’t he know who he’s dealing with? He shouldn't doubt my ability to predict the outcome of silly animated movies. Maddox has made me watch them all. He can't admit that I’m actually almost a woman. I’ve seen movies that are rated R before but not when Maddox is around. He would never allow that. I can't wait until he goes to college next year and then I can have some freedom.

"No, he's the unlikely hero who acts all mean and tough at the beginning but then comes around when it counts."

"Wanna bet?"

My heartbeat speeds up at the idea of a bet with him. I smile and bite my lip nervously. I very much want to bet. We do silly bets often and even when I don't win, he usually lets me have the win anyway. I like to think it’s because he wants to make me happy and not because he feels sorry for me.

A part of me worries that he humors me because it’s just easier and treats me like a little sister and I don’t want that. I want him to see me for the woman I’m becoming and possibly as a future girlfriend. It would kill me to know he sees me as an annoyance or sees me the way Maddox does.

"What do I get if I win?”

He thinks for a second. "What do you want?"

A kiss. God I’ve wanted to kiss him for as long as I can remember even before I knew what kissing was. Most of my friends have been kissed by now but I can’t get excited to kiss any of the boys at school. I’ve really only wanted to kiss Ryker, but I don't have the guts to voice my true wants.

"You have to buy me anything I want at the concession stand.” I cringe inside at my own answer. It seems so immature and like a child, but I’m terrified that he’ll reject me, and it would ruin our friendship, and I live for my time with him.

He nods. “You have a deal miss."

I laugh again. "My snacks are going to taste even better since they will come with victory over you,” I say and laugh evilly.

He laughs too.

I’m so happy to be here with him. Even if he doesn't think of it this way, it feels like a date. I want it to be a date. Maybe then it would end with him kissing me. Then I could become his girlfriend and I would have the cutest, sweetest boyfriend ever. I want that, but I know my brother would have a cow. I’m sure he hopes I never kiss a boy. He will probably make me join a convent if he gets the chance.

I glance at him and smile. "I see the pig coming around. I am definitely going to win. So, you'd better get your money ready. I am feeling very hungry.” I say laughing.

I love taunting him. It’s part of our relationship. It always makes me feel like we have a special thing that only we share. I know that we’re friends and I cherish that, but I don’t know if I will be able to be truly happy only being his friend. I want so much more.

He smiles at me, and he reaches out and brushes my chin. My stomach somersaults in an exciting way. It is a feeling I only feel when I’m with him.

I look up into his eyes and he glances down at my lips. Is he thinking about kissing me? I want him to kiss me so badly. I suck in a breath, and it breaks the spell. He shakes his head and pulls his hand back. And turns back to the movie.

I’m so disappointed. I thought we had a moment. I felt it in my soul. He was going to kiss me. Maybe he doesn't know how much I want him to. Maybe I need to tell him how badly I want him to kiss me. But what if he doesn't want to kiss me after all and it was all in my head? That would be so embarrassing but what if he did want to kiss me too and all he needed was for me to tell him it was ok?

I open my mouth to tell him I was more than happy with him kissing me but before I can speak, he does.

"Hey kid, I'm gonna be back in a bit."

I cringe at the use of kid. I hate when he calls me that. They used to use that on me when I was an actual kid, and they would laugh at me thinking I was cool enough to hang out with them.

My heart sinks. He's putting distance between us but why? We had a moment, didn't we? I am sure we had a moment. In my gut, I know he was gonna kiss me.

He heads over to a girl a few rows in front of us. He sits down and soon she's giggling at him.

I’m utterly crushed. I’m so disappointed that he walked away like that. We were having so much fun and now he's with another girl. He's probably gonna kiss her.

I can’t help but fold my hands in front of me in a bit of a pout. I really thought that he was going to kiss me, but it must have been wishful thinking on my part. He was clearly not interested in me. If he were, he wouldn’t have left me to go be with another girl.

The idea makes me a bit sick to my stomach. Maybe I can still get him to see me for the woman I am becoming and not the kid that he seemed to keep thinking I am.

As the movie continues, I keep glancing at Ryker and the slutty girl. A guilty feeling fills me knowing I’m slut shaming her purely out of jealousy.

Truthfully, I don't know if the girl is a slut, but it fits my idea of the girl better than that she was a nice girl that Ryker could fall in love with. I can't contemplate that at all. He can't fall in love with that random girl because he is supposed to fall in love with me.

I get up and head to the bathroom.

I look in the mirror at my body. I developed pretty okay so far. I’ve had to wear a bra for 2 years now and some of my classmates don't even need them. I put on some more lip gloss. I wish I could wear more makeup, maybe that would make me look mature enough for someone like Ryker but my brother gets upset if I put much on my face. He wants to keep me his baby sister forever and he won’t let me grow up.

Once the movie is over Ryker will return to my side. I know he will because he's loyal like that and he promised to get me home after the movie. He will pay up on the bet and maybe I will find the courage to show him how into him I am. By the end of the night, I will make him mine.

As I leave the bathroom a man rushes up to me. "Is there a girl around 10 in there?"

"No... why?"

He looks around frantically. "It's my daughter, I can't find her. Could you help me look? I need to find her."

"Of course, I'll help. We rush around looking and calling her name. But we can't find her. Finally, we meet back up at the place we met.

“I'm so sorry I can't find her."

He looks so scared. I feel horrible for him. “Wait maybe she went to the car; can you help me look outside?"

I hesitate for a second. I can’t help but wonder if I should follow this guy. Stranger danger and all that stuff, but a little girl is missing, and her dad seems pretty frantic. I really should help him look. I would want someone to do that for me if I ever went missing. "Sure, let's go."

I have an uneasy feeling, so I hesitate again. I want to help obviously but go outside with him? That seems riskier somehow and my stomach turns a bit at the idea, but so far, he hasn’t done anything weird. He’s just a concerned dad whose daughter is missing. How selfish am I that I would make it about me? I should just get over myself and help this poor man.

We head outside and he leads me toward his car. For some reason, he parked at the very back of the parking lot. As it gets darker and we get further away from the theater and any other living soul, I get more and more nervous. Suddenly I feel someone grab me from behind. He puts something over my mouth and whispers in my ear.

"Shhh it'll all be over soon."

I try to fight him but he’s stronger than me and I can’t get away. I try to scream but it’s muffled by the towel he has over my mouth. Soon I feel myself sinking into darkness and everything goes black.