Defending Deanna

Chapter 20

Deanna

Actually, she got called away. So, it's on hold. We'll get together some other time.

His words to Maddox keep running through my head over and over again. As we arrive back at my apartment.

He is still going to see that woman. He is going to sleep with her. I’m not a complete i***t; they are obviously going to hook up as soon as they get the chance and then he won’t have a need for me anymore.

Does he still plan to see me while he is sleeping with her? Or is he just going to walk away from me and go be the normal girl. I doubt she will even hesitate to sleep with him. I doubt they’ll even make it to bed before they’re naked together.

My heart is shattered at the idea of going back to being totally alone and broken. I’ve actually started to hope that maybe he can help me be more normal, but I shouldn't have let that happen. Why would he want to fix me? I’m broken and I always will be.

I don't know what Ryker plans he hasn't really talked to me since we were alone. The entire car ride home had been deathly silent. Is he trying to find a way to let me off the hook without me having a meltdown? I very much want to have a meltdown right now. I am so cold inside.

I don't want to beg him to stay but at the same time I fear letting him go because he's the first person to make me feel things. Things I always assumed I was too broken to feel. These few days with him have been a thrilling surprise.

Am I desperate enough to keep letting him into my bed if he also wants to be with another women? The sad truth is that he may be my only chance at intimacy at all. Can I give that all up just to keep some self-respect?

How long until he realizes I am more trouble than I’m worth? How long would he enjoy playing games and not getting to have s*x before he got totally over it?

I can’t deal with him tonight. I need to be alone to figure out my feelings and figure out if I have enough dignity left to end it even if it means I will be alone forever.

I have my back to him. I haven’t met his eyes in a while. I don’t want to know what is there. What if he pities me? I can’t do it.

"I'm gonna head to bed. I'll see you in the morning.” I say as I walk toward my room.

"Wait what? I thought we were sleeping together."

I cringe at his words. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

"Dee!"

He says my name firmly and with a lot of feeling and it stops me in my tracks as it always has.

"What is going on? Talk to me."

My eyes start to sting, and I know I’m about to cry. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. "Can we just do this tomorrow?"

"No, I wanna know what's going on."

I don't want to look at him, so I keep facing away. "I know what we're doing isn't” I hesitate. "I know I'm not your girlfriend, so I don't have the right to feel this way. But I don't want to go to bed with you tonight when I know that you would rather be in someone else's bed."

He's quiet for a moment. "De, look at me."

I don't turn around. I can't do it. It might break me. He is so normal and sexy, and I am a total mess. I am the opposite of that woman he was with tonight. He’s only around me because he pities me and feels a sense of reasonability to my brother.

"De please look at me."

The plea in his voice breaks my resolve. Finally, I turn around and face him. He meets my eyes, and I can see how sad he is. It reminds me of how I feel right now.

"I don't want to be in someone else's bed."

I bite my lip. "It's fine. I mean we aren't that serious. You can date anyone. You didn't make me any promises, but don't make me cheapen myself by coming to my bed just because some other girl canceled on you."

"That's not what this is I-"

I interrupt him before he can say anymore. "Ryker, I understand that you feel sorry for me because I'm broken, but I don't need your pity enough to be the girl that you go to when nobody else is available. I'm not ending this, but I can't do it tonight knowing that you would be with that other woman if you could have."

Anger crosses his face. Does he really think I wouldn't realize I am his second choice? I’m not blind. I saw how beautiful she was. Hell I would date her before I would date someone like me.

"I don't pity you. I'm here because I want to be. I-"

I interrupt him again. "Don't ok, you know how little experience I have, and you know why. Why would anyone actually want to take that on? I get that I'm here and while you're stuck watching me you want to have fun. It's fine, but don't lie to me."

Why can’t he understand that he doesn’t need to lie to me. I know that I won’t find anyone else to fill this need, so I don’t have any real choice. I will get over this pain and let him kiss me again. I just need some time.

He huffs. "Would you stop interrupting me and let me finish a sentence? I don't want to be with anyone else. She didn't get a call, I ended things."

My heart breaks, he did that because he felt obligated to because it was his job to watch me. He shouldn't have had to do that. "You shouldn't have done that."

His face shuts down. "You wanted me to go home with her?"

I cringe. "That's not what I meant. You shouldn't have to put your life on pause simply because you agreed to watch me. Your job isn't everything. I don't want to make you miss things because you agreed to protect me. Maddox already missed out on so much because he was protecting me. I don't want you to do the same and end up resenting me."

"That's not what this is about. I didn't want to go home with her."

I laugh and it sounds a bit unhinged to my own ears. I am so tired and hurt and feel even more broken. I put so many hopes into him and now I feel so incredibly stupid.

"Don't lie to me. She's beautiful and glamorous and I'm sure she wouldn't have to hesitate at all to do way more than just sleep with you. I won't be your pity project. I survived hell and I don't need you to try to fix me to feel better about yourself."

It was harsh I knew that as it left my mouth, but I am hurting and exhausted and I just don't have it in me to pull my punches.

"That's not fair. I don't pity you. I care about you.” He hesitates. "I'm not here tonight because I felt obligated. I decided to do this with you and that's all I need right now. I don't want to date other girls when I'm with you. De, I wouldn't do that to you."

Why does he have to be like that? Why can’t he just admit that he’s with me because he pities me? "Oh really? So, you're OK being with a broken girl who can never have s*x with you?"

He meets my eyes earnestly. "s*x isn't everything De, you think all there is, is intercourse there's a lot of other things we can do."

My stomach clinches in a delicious way as an image of his body against mine that morning. But I can't offer more to him and that isn't fair.

I feel the tears I’ve been fighting back fill my eyes. "We never should have started this. It's a horrible idea. I'm too broken."

An angry look crosses his face and he's across the room before I even realize his intentions and his lips are on mine.

My toes curl and I moan into his mouth. He backs me into the wall next to my room and lifts my legs, I spread them and wrap them around his waist.

I feel his hard length against my center and moan into his mouth again.

He pushes against me harder, and my body is on fire desperate to feel more.

Soon he braces me with my legs wrapped around him and carries me into my room. He lays down on his back with me on top of him.

I rub harder against him. And feel his c**k twitch against me.

He moves his lips away from my mouth and down my neck. He licks and sucks, and I even feel his teeth gently scrape against my skin.

I am moaning and panting as he continues to tease my skin.

I’m so turned on and need more sensation, but I don’t know what I need exactly. I have never felt like this before. My p***y is tingling, and I have an intense urge to reach down and touch myself to see if I can fix the incessant tingling and the tightening in my lower stomach.

"Ryker...I...I... need” I stop before I tell him to touch me. I want that so much, but I don’t know how to say something so forward and what if he judges me or laughs at me?

"What do you need De?” He asks his lips never leaving my skin.

"I...I... don’t know...more...I need more."

He looks into my eyes. "Can I touch you?"

I almost sigh in relief like he read my mind. I’m nervous but also so excited. My blood has never burned like this before, and I know in my soul that he can fix it.

"Yes...yes please touch me.” I sound breathless and desperate, but I don’t even care. I feel more alive than I ever have, and I don’t want it to stop.

He kisses me again and then I feel his hand slide up my legs underneath my skirt. It sends delicious chills along my spine.

His hand makes a slow trip along my thigh. I’m a tight wire on edge waiting to see what he does next.

I feel his fingers brush against my panties, and I moan. He massages me through my panties, and I throw my head back in pleasure. Shivers of pleasure go through my entire body.

His lips come back to my neck sucking and licking my sensitive skin and I moan again. Finally, he slips his fingers against my bare skin.

The touch of his fingers against my c**t almost sends me flying off of him. Only his arms keep me in place as he uses his middle finger to rub against that bundle of nerves.

It feels incredible like nothing else I’ve ever felt before. Soon my hips are thrusting against his hand. I can't stop them; I can't sit still; my body is too tight and needy.

He flicks his fingers a certain way and I jump in pleasure and moan loudly. He laughs softly against the skin on my neck before doing that flicking thing again. It sends my head spinning and he keeps hitting that same spot and soon my mind goes higher and higher. He speeds up his fingers, and my eyes roll back in my head as it sends me flying over the edge of pleasure.

My mouth opens on a silent moan. It feels so intense I can't even make a sound as he keeps my pleasure going as long as he can.

Finally, I come down and he pulls his fingers back. I’m breathing heavily and my whole body is loose, and my mind is cloudy. I mourn the loss of his fingers. They felt so amazing against my most sensitive spot.

He kisses my lips before he lays me down in the bed in his arms holding me closely.

"Are you ok?” He asks softly against my ear.

My eyes are closed. I’m so sleepy and relaxed. "That was...that was wow."

He laughs softly. "So that was, ok?"

I nod my head. "That was much more than ok."

We both go silent, and I start to drift a bit feeling sleep take over me. Quickly before I forget. "Ryker thanks for that."

That's the last conscious thought I have before I’m in dream land.