Defending Deanna

Chapter 10

Ryker

I watch Deanna on her 3rd cocktail. I tried to be careful with how much vodka I put in each one, but she is getting pretty drunk. I’m worried about her. She has so much going on I hope she doesn't drink this heavy that often. She could become a drunk if she does.

It hits me again how much she's been hiding from us. Maddox thought that she was doing better. These last few days have shown me how much she's been keeping behind closed doors.

She looks at me. "I want to play a game. A drinking game.”

She slurs her words a bit but she's still cute even while drunk.

"Truth or drink. We ask each other questions and if we don't answer we drink. That'll be fun."

"I'm not drinking remember."

"Oh right. Oh, I know!” She exclaims as she heads into the kitchen. She's swaying a bit but doing ok. I’m ready to jump up if she needs me though. I wonder how often she drinks these days. I can’t imagine Maddox is very supportive of her drinking like this. He would have a coronary if he saw her now.

I don’t like the idea of her drinking much either, but I learned a long time ago that you can’t make people make smart choices. In some cases, it’s just easier to go along and keep them from getting into a bad situation. I’d rather she drinks here with me to watch out for her, then go out to a bar where it would be a lot harder to keep her safe.

She comes back with a jar of mayo and a spoon. “If you don't want to answer you have to eat mayo.”

I cringe. “You know I hate mayo."

She points at me. “Bingo dude, now you have to answer my questions.” She says laughing.

"I don't think I should be playing games. I'm on security duty remember?"

She rolls her eyes dramatically. "Come on Ryker. I've had an overprotective brother who never let me have any fun. At least here, now I have you to make sure I don't get too sloppy. Let me have some fun. I deserve fun."

It was a little freaky that she was basically parroting my own thoughts on the matter. I can't argue with her point. Maddox was trying his best to keep her safe, but it couldn't be much fun having a security guy hovering over you all the time. I don't fault Maddox for it, considering how much he blamed himself for what happened, but I understand how stifling it could be.

I relent and take the jar. I’m going to be answering questions tonight apparently. Because I would not be eating mayo.

A smile lights up her face and she does a quick little happy dance. It makes me smile. I missed being close with Deanna. Before her kidnapping she had been so free and fun but after she had so much darkness behind her eyes.

We had never been the same either. I don't blame her for putting distance between us. I had dropped the ball that day at the theater. I never should have left her side. I would never forgive myself for being so weak that I couldn't control myself and she was kidnapped because of it. I couldn’t blame her for blaming me. I’ve hated myself for it every day.

"Is Maddox really your best friend or do you pity him because he's so boring."

I laugh. Typical little sister, it’s the Deanna I knew as a child. It’s so refreshing. “Yes, he really is my best friend, but I also pity him for being so boring.”

She laughs and it calms my heart. "Ok your turn.”

I take a moment to think of a question. A part of me wants to go deeper with my questions but I also don’t want to ruin the mood. “What's your favorite movie?"

She laughs. "Casablanca."

I laugh. "Really?" I wouldn’t have thought that. I figured it was something sillier. She had always been so light and silly with me as a kid.

She smiles. "Yep, I’m a girl and we love chick flicks. Ok your turn."

We go back and forth for a while with easy questions. I very much enjoy having the back and forth and silliness with her. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a moment like this.

We are having a good time and it’s nice to see her smile, but I can’t stop a question from forcing its way out of his mouth.

"What was your dream about?"

She freezes and her happy mood drops. I could kick myself. I didn't want to bring down the mood, but I can't get it out of my head. The way she looked and sounded it haunts me.

She stares at her drink and I’m sure she's gonna drink instead of answering, but she meets my eyes.

"I'll answer this one but then you have to answer my next question no matter what. Ok?"

I’m nervous what she could have in mind. What if she somehow figured out that I had left her that day at the theater because I wanted to kiss her and I couldn’t control myself? I was seriously considering telling her never mind. But I want to know about the dream more in the hopes I can help her somehow.

I nod. "Ok you have yourself a deal."

She looks back to her drink and won't meet my eyes. "It was more of a memory really. It was the first night I was taken. It was after I came to in his basement. It was the moment I started to lose hope of surviving and when I saw the first hint of darkness in him. He could be very friendly, but it wasn't ever real. It was an act. When I was good and did what he wanted he would act like everything was so great but when I hesitated or thought about it, he could turn dark very fast. That was the moment when my life changed. It wasn't even that dark really. He barely did anything that first night. It was the next day when things really started but that night is the night that plays over and over in my head. I always wonder if I could have done anything different or made different choices in that basement."

There is so much sadness in her voice that it breaks my heart. She went through hell at the hands of that man, and I only barely touched the surface of knowledge about what she went through. She survived it all though and that makes her the strongest person I know.

"I'm sorry that happened. Have you talked to anyone about it?"

She looks at me. “Oh no buddy. I answered my question. Now it's your turn."

I want to fight her about it. I want to keep talking with her about what she went through and help if I can, but I worry that she might be close to losing the bit of control she has over the darkness that I’m sure lives inside of her. So, I relent and let her ask her question. I got a few answers out of her and that would have to be enough for now.

"When did you lose your virginity?"

"Woah that's a personal question."

"That's the point of the game."

I did not see that coming. I seriously consider eating some mayo instead of answering. She must realize how much I’m tempted to forgo answers because she reminds me.

"You promised to answer if I answered your last question."

I did. Crap, did she plan this? I didn't plan to take questions in this direction. We hadn't been around each other alone much in years and I had pushed my feeling for her into a box in the back of my brain years ago but still the more time I spend around her the more I'm starting to see the girl that had stole my heart all those years ago. I worry intimacy like this could be a slippery slope for me, but I did promise.

“I was 14."

She grins at me. "I would have guessed younger. I saw all those girls falling all over you back then."

I laugh. I hadn’t planned for the game to go in this direction at all but now I am curious about her history. She would have had her first when we weren’t talking, and it killed me to think about her with another guy but it was my own fault I was the one that screwed up back then.

"That was a sneaky question. So now, I must ask the same question to you."

She hesitates, and her face drops. "I was also 14"

That shocks me she didn’t date anyone when she was 14. I knew her then and we were close. I had been obsessed with her then. When did she have time to lose her virginity? It takes me a second to realize what she meant and when it registers I wish I could kick myself. "De, that doesn't count. That was not your choice. You were still a virgin until you chose someone to be with. That's what I meant."

"Well, I think I have to drink now.'

"Oh, come on I answered your question. Don't wimp out on me now."

She doesn't meet my eyes. "I haven't actually chosen to be with anyone."

I freeze. She's never? With anyone? That is unexpected. She is so beautiful I can't imagine she hasn't had offers. It has been 10 years since her rescue, and she'd gone to college and lived on her own for 2 years and there was nobody in all that time?

I’m pulled from my thoughts when she asks another question.

"When was the last time you slept with someone?"

"It’s been a few months.” I answer without thinking it through. It's a very unmemorable moment. I had gone on a double date with Maddox, and I had hooked up with the girl, but it was mostly because it had been a while and she was eager and willing. I haven't had anything serious in years. I just wasn't that into it. I'm tired of the same old hook ups.

My mind goes back to Deanna and the fact that she hasn't been with anyone. Now that I think about it, she never really dated that I can remember, and Maddox never talked about her having a boyfriend ever. Has she not dated much? I have a feeling there might be more to it.

"Why haven't you slept with anyone?"

She stares at the wall. "I don't really enjoy that, so I just haven't been bothered."

"If you haven't done it, how do you know?”

"As I stated before I did it when I was 14 and it was not a fun experience."

She means by her attacker. He's the only guy that she's ever done that with. And all these years she assumed that it's as rough and violent as I’m sure it was with her captor. She had no idea how fun s*x could be. I hate that the monster took that away from her. If she hasn't slept with one because of him, did she do anything?

"De, when was your first kiss."

She glances at him, but then hesitates. She avoids his eyes when she finally answers. "I've never kissed anyone.” She admits quietly.

I’m shocked, I had no idea that what happened was holding her back so much. I understood why it would. What she went through was awful and traumatizing, but I had no idea it still controlled so much of her life.

"De, I-"

She interrupts before I can say anything else. "Don't pity me ok, I just don't have any desire to do that. I've gone out on a few dates but truthfully, I've never had the urge to kiss any of the guys, so I just haven't. If I kissed them then they would expect more eventually, and I just didn't want that, so it was easier to just not kiss them."

"Ok"

She still won't look at me and I hate that. I didn't mean to ruin her buzz or anything but here we are.

"Well, I think I've had enough to drink and I'm tired so I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."

Before I can respond she disappears into her room.

I’m left feeling shocked. Maddox and I never really talked about her personal life but we just assumed she had one. She's 24 and beautiful. It never even entered my brain that she never dated at all. I have no idea how to feel about this new revelation.