Rising Up

One

    I walk down the halls looking around. There are people all over in groups. Some football players talking about the their next game. Cheerleaders talking about their boyfriends. Dance team members talking about being better then cheerleaders. Marching band members talking about their next practice. Everyone seems to have a place where they belong. Not me. I don’t fit in any one place.  

    I am an introvert at heart. I enjoy the peace and quiet that come from sitting down reading. Enjoy the feeling of getting lost in a book and being taken away from reality. Not that my life is bad. Sure I have a crazy older sister and my parents are a bit two obsessed with each other that’s nothing compared to other people’s problems. I am great full to have a good family but I do envy those who have friends. I know it sounds dumb. Who really cares if someone has friends or not right? I do though. 

    I envy the way some people have known each other since they were kids. I envy how others seem to always have someone willing to partner up with them. I don’t have any of that. The closest thing I have to friends are those I find written on pages of the books that fill my backpack. Friends are like a foreign concept to me. I lost count how many times people ask me who I hang out with only for me to respond to them by saying no one really. I try to brush it off like it’s nothing but I see the way people give me strange looks. Some try to be nice and say they will be my friend. Which usually lasts about a couple days before they forget about me all over again. I get it I’m not that memorable. I just wish there was at least one person I could connect with. One person who saw me for me. I know introverts would rather be by themselves and I do most of the time but not all the time. There are times I want to hang out with others too. I think it is time I change. Time I make the effort to change. I’m already sophomore in high school. In a couple years I will be going to college. It’s time for me to try and be a better person. I don’t want to be a loner anymore.  

    I walk into my first period English class with a new found determination. Today I will try and make a friend.  I enter the door feeling tense as I look around to see everyone is already talking to each other. There are not many seats left open.  I quickly walk to the back of the class were I see a seat open by the window. I look at the clock to see there is still ten minutes left in class.  I know that I have plenty of time to get my things out of my backpack together.  I pick my backpack up off the ground, unzip it then begin pulling out my binder, pencil, english folder, and SSR (sustained silent reading) book setting each item gently on my desk.  This is my routine. I quickly set the items I won't need until later in stack in the left upper corner of my desk leaving only my SSR book in the middle of my desk.  I look at the clock to see I still have eight minutes left before class.  Usually, I would begin reading until class begins but today I want to see if I can talk to anyone in my class.  I look in front of me to see the girl who was I noticed talking to to the person next to her no longer talking. I say hello to her but realize that it only came out as a whisper.  I say it two more times a bit louder. When she doesn't even glance back at me I realize that she either doesn't want to talk to me or she didn't hear me.  I assume the latter since I know she is a nice person.  I look around to see if anyone saw me.  I hope nobody did because that would be embarrassing.  I feel my hands start to shake at the thought of someone seeing and start reading my SSR book.  

    After a few minutes of reading I begin to calm down.  I begin to realize that maybe making a friend is going to be harder than I thought. The rest of the day carry on like usual. With me rushing to my next class reading through it, eating alone at lunch, then going to my next two classes. Each class I made an attempt to talk to some one. Each time I failed. I am beginning to lose my determination. Negative thoughts begin to invade my mind. By the time I get home I don't want to talk to anyone. I walk up to my room. Turn on the tv and get lost in thought eventually drifting off to sleep.