Born Of Nothing

29

15 After my day with Cat, I sat in the cleansing darkness of my room to focus my scattered thoughts. I had been back on Earth for over a month. With each added day, I eased into more of a routine and established a new normal for myself. However, a growing sense of foreboding undermined my ability to settle in completely. When I first met Cat, a voice of reason inside me whispered a warning to keep my distance. I had dismissed the voice. But like a tiny pebble nestled inside my shoe, the unease grew with each step I took. As time drew on, my impending departure date neared. My current hiding place was entirely too close to Belfast for me to stay for any real length of time. I knew all too well how frequently the queen sent her scouts to keep tabs on the human world. It had been one of those scouts who discovered my relationship with Hilde. I would have to go far from Ireland, and soon. My involvement with Cat had made that problematic. The thought of leaving her made my temples ache in frustration, but I could not stay, nor did I want to. Had her subtle curves and full lips been the extent of her charms, leaving would not have been an issue. It was her refreshing perspective on life, her resiliency and determination, and all the other remarkable qualities about her combined that presented a problem. Gods be damned, I never should have allowed her to visit alone. As if my own desire for her was not enough of a reason to stay, I could not seem to justify leaving while Cat’s relationship with her family was in such turmoil. I knew what it was like to be forced from those you loved. The coming months would be difficult, and I did not want to add my own departure to that burden. Another voice, dark and selfish, whispered an alluring suggestion from deep inside me. Take her with you. But logic easily deflated that idea as soon as it formed. I was an exile on the run. Not only did I have nothing to offer, I was a danger to anyone with me. As much as I wanted to entertain the suggestion, how could I ever justify bringing Cat with me? Nor would I have asked that she leave Rebecca and Ashley behind. Those women meant the world to Cat, and I would not ask that of her. During this time of estrangement from her family, it would be even more crucial that she be near her friends for support. I could see no way around our separation, and the realization made me feel hollow in ways even the Shadow Lands had not. I tried to tell myself that Cat was not particularly special. I repeated it like a mantra, telling myself that any woman would have captured my interest after such a lengthy abstinence. Even to my own ears the sentiment sounded weak and stunk of lies. Not a single thing about Cat was ordinary. Her looks were simply stunning. Her thoughtful nature and devoted loyalty to her loved ones were defining qualities of her admirable character. The fortitude she had exhibited by rejecting her family’s beliefs was evidence of her unusual strength of spirit. Even when straddled with burdens, Cat still found ways to appreciate the small beauties in life. Knowing how much her mother had hurt her made me want to find the woman and rip out her throat. She did not deserve to live if she could not appreciate the utter perfection that was her daughter. If it were not for the fact that her death would hurt Cat, the woman would already be dead. I was confident I knew what was best for Cat. She needed to stay in Belfast with her friends and the life she had created for herself. We had not known each other long enough for her to form a substantial bond. Once I was gone, she might be sad for a time, but she would quickly rebound. She was not the type to stay down for long. The more I thought on the matter, the more certain I was about what I needed to do. There was a chance she might argue to come with me, so I began to contemplate leaving prior to her next visit. Before I made it far down that line of thinking, I realized that I would be doing exactly what her mother was doing—denying Cat the right to choose for herself. The thought sucked the wind from my sails as I admonished myself. Cat needed to be given all the freedoms life on Earth could afford. If I did not want her choices taken from her by her mother, then I had no right to do the same. As much as I would be torn over any decision she made, she had the right to choose whether she would go with me or stay in Ireland. I let my head thunk back against the wall where I sat on my pallet on the floor. Cat was capable of making the best decision for herself, and I was man enough to accept the consequences of whatever she decided. The next time she came for a visit, I would present her with the options and hope to the Gods that I did not regret either of our decisions.

16 I’d had such a great day with Fen that I didn’t make it home until just after dark. Aside from our walk and the movie, we sat in a park enjoying the afternoon before eating dinner at a local café. The day had been one of the best in my memory and had me smiling the entire way home. Fen wasn’t the type of man to be overly expressive, but it meant what he did show was one-hundred percent genuine. Considering all the upheaval in my life, I was especially grateful for his honesty. That’s not to say he didn’t leave plenty unsaid. A man as complex as Fen wasn’t going to share his every thought, but I never had to wonder if he truly meant what he did say. If he said he enjoyed the movie, then he enjoyed the movie. He wasn’t saying it just to make me feel good. The same goes for our kiss before I left Strabane. His eyes consumed me like I was the very air he breathed, and I could trust that it wasn’t just a show. He cared for me, but to what extent I wasn’t sure. The only thing I could be sure of was that I was becoming hopelessly lost for him. Being in a relationship with Fenodree would be complicated. He would have to leave at some point, and I wasn’t ready to tackle what that might imply. Instead, I wrapped myself in the warm memories of each of our stolen moments together. By the time I got home, I had almost forgotten about my strained relationship with my mother. Not entirely forgotten, but enough to offer her a smile when I walked into the house and found her dusting the shelves in the living room. If I had thought there was a chance that we might put aside our differences for one night, I had been sorely mistaken. My olive branch was met with a cold stare as my mother slowly faced me. “Where’ve you been, Catronia?” Her words were soft and menacing, instantly putting me on guard.