In the name of the Father

Chapter 10 - Keeping good love from going wrong

Chapter 10 – Keeping good love from going wrong

I was expecting rain to fall heavily as Gray and I mourned my father. But no rain fell upon my dad’s funeral. Had it did, it would’ve at least covered the wake of a very sad day that emptied my being into a husk of nothingness. Ache wracked every bone in my body as my thoughts battled and collapsed on the premise of losing my father. A war filled with pain fought within me as I struggled at the sight of his coffin being lowered to the ground. I held Gray close as he tried to bottle a torrent of emotions that was tearing him at the seams. And as dad’s casket dipped beneath the shadows of its confines, I felt sheer emptiness swallow me, my spirit, and my heart.

Every inch of me filled with pain. I knew Jake felt the same as he mirrored me. It felt like I have broken every bone in my body. My spirit cried for the loss of a love that I knew I was too young to hold on to. Jeanne reminded me of a love I needed to have. It was only when I met him that I learned what love truly was. His was the kind of love that was unconditional and true. It knew no bounds, no gender, and no religion. Was I asking for too much when I prayed for what we have to last forever? I guess I wasn’t going to have that kind of happily ever after. I knew that now, “I loved your father, Jake,” I spoke and I felt every bit of it strain and tear at my soul. Saying those words sapped every bit of energy I had within. ‘Was this what God wanted?’ was what I asked myself. The thought sank my heart as I stood beside Jake with his hand in mine.

“Gray, I … I am sorry. I wasn’t there and—”

“No, Jake. Don’t apologize,” I had to stop him. The more he reminded me of the past, the more painful it was to breathe the present, “Sometimes we need to feel these things. Love, hurt, anger, pain, regret, sadness … it’s the only way we can accept the feelings. Eventually we’ll learn to accept them, and when we do, it’s the only time we can move on,” I siphoned my emotions into those words, and as I did I felt cleansed of sorrow, like a weight was lifted off. I guess the only way for me to live again was to accept the permanence of Jeanne’s death, no matter how painful.

Every part of me cried with pain. I understood Gray was feeling the same as I looked at those gray eyes fill with water. He was drowning from the inside, and the only way he could survive this was to cry and let it all out. Gray reminded me of a love I wanted to have. It was only when I met him that I realized what life was truly about. Life wasn’t just about duty, desire, nor dreams of happy endings. It was about understanding that these moments are important as they come. I knew that now. And as I looked into those gray eyes fill with tears, I knew that I had to seize this moment for myself if I ever would have a chance at life. Gray was my life. I knew that now more than ever. ‘This is what the Lord wanted. I knew it to be so,’ was my thought as I held his hand.

“Gray, will you come away with me?” I exhaled the words and it took all of me to breathe back in. His response was going to determine how my life was going to unravel. This was a gamble.

“Jake, I don’t—”

“Gray, please…” I interrupted. It was now or never. I loved him too much to consider rejection, “I have something to show you. Please, come with me. Father would have wanted you to see it,” I held out my hand long enough for him to take. My heart was skipping. Only he could put it at ease. And as he placed his hand in mine I knew that I had a chance to build a life with him.

“Jake, this is beautiful,” was what I said as I breathed in the sweetness of the memories I could have had with Jeanne. His love was the light that lit my soul from within. Now that he was gone, all I had was darkness. Jake and I lived off of each other’s remorse as we thought about how quickly time passed. It took away a man whose importance resonated within the two of us. And as Jake held my hand I still didn’t know what it was that I felt for him, but at that moment we knew that we needed each other. I embraced the thought as I marveled at what Jake built for Jeanne and I, “Jake, this was your father’s version of heaven … together we’ll take care of it.”