Pink Flamingos

Changing World

I couldn’t ever quite choose between my own company or the company of others; namely because neither one really ever satisfied me. As I sat at the dinner table, pushing limp vegetables around with my fork and staring morosely ahead, I wondered if I would ever truly be happy or at peace. It didn’t seem likely. I heard Mama Heather and Mama Chelsea talking but I couldn’t focus on it. I felt that I was underwater and the words were slipping past me like currents, pushing and pulling my moods like the tides without ever actually breaking past my surface.

“I tried to introduce myself to that family a few trailers down again today,” Mama Chelsea murmured. “The Father’s name is Robert, and the wife’s name is Maria, and they’ve got this beautiful little daughter named Sophia. But they shut the door as quickly as they opened it, Robert called me a f*****g dyke.”

“People are cruel, people have always been cruel. We know that. We can’t let that stop us from living the way we want,” Heather said with a frown.

“But I want to be close with the people around us. I want a community. People who like us, or love us even. I guess I…. I guess I just thought that it would be different this time ‘round.”

“The world’s changing honey,” Heather said, “but it’s changing slowly. We have to be more patient.”

“I hope that one day, even if we’re on our deathbeds when that day comes, everyone will accept our love. It’s 1976. Maybe in 60 years, everything will be okay.”

“I don’t suppose you’ve got a spell for that?” Heather smiled.

Chelsea replied, “I don’t think there’s a love spell big enough for the whole world yet.”

While partially distracted by my own unclear thoughts, I heard them continue to talk about their wiccan traditions. Could they leave a crystal out to cleanse all the nastiness that lay outside the door our trailer? Or could they throw some salt on our neighbor’s front step? They decided that the most important thing was just that they didn’t end up hexing anybody.

“And what about that boy that Nancy has started hanging out with all of a sudden?” asked Mama Chelsea.

“I don’t think he’s any trouble,” Mama Heather said, “but then again, you just never know with teenage boys. There’s always something a little bit off with them.”

“That’s true, that’s definitely true. He’s a little bit strange, isn’t he? Always out there, playing his music. You know, what if he doesn’t have anywhere else to be? But I’ve spoken to him once or twice, and he really is a nice young fella. Charismatic, I have to say. It would be understandable if Nancy was charmed by him. It’s just that I don’t want anything bad to happen.”

“He’s a bit strange-looking I think. He kinda reminds me of a baby cow. Maybe it’s the nose…but I suppose I can see the appeal. He’s handsome, in a way. And I’m sure he would be rather nice. After all, Nancy and him spend enough time together…and she’s always been picky about who she sees. We’re honestly lucky that she’s so very introverted.”

I kept listening to them talk about me as though I wasn’t a real person, sitting right next to them, breathing the same air as them and eating the same dinner. Did they really think something was going on with me and Eddie? I felt my face flushed and hoped that they didn’t notice.

“I can hear you guys,” I mumbled half-heartedly, staring down at my food as though it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Well,” Mama Heather said with a smile, “do you like him?”

I swallowed thickly. My thoughts began to buzz around my mind like an angry wasp hive until I could hardly hear anything else. Everything was drowned out and the world around me waited for the sound to fade. It didn’t.

My heart began to race. They were both looking at me so expectantly, with wide eyes and pursed lips. I know they didn’t mean to make me feel the way I did, but that seemed a little unimportant when my entire being felt shaky. I didn’t know what they wanted me to say.

After a moment of quiet that seemed to last forever, I said, “I don’t know.”

It was the truth after all, wasn’t it? I had no idea how I felt about him. When I was with him, he annoyed me. But he was my annoyance and for some reason unknown to me, I didn’t ever want our time together to end. And besides, he was on my mind constantly.

The idea of giving my feelings a name, or even defining them at all, made me feel sick. I didn’t want to answer any questions and I certainly didn’t want to talk about Eddie. I wanted to forget about him and I wanted my mothers to follow suit.

I cleared my throat. “He’s really not that important. This is my story – I’m a major character and he’s a minor character at best. Why do we need to talk about this anyway?”

“Because maybe he’s a love interest?” Mama Heather said mischievously.

Mama Chelsea nudged her gently with a slight look of disapproval. “If she wants to be with him, it’ll happen. We can’t encourage these things and change the course of fate. But,” she turned to face me, “don’t forget what the cards say – there is love coming your way.”

I turned that over in my head – love was coming my way. It seemed silly and unnecessary. What could love do for me? Despite popular belief, it certainly wasn’t going to ease the panic and sadness that seemingly haunted me every moment of every day.

Cutlery clinked against dinner plates. I was lost in a world of my own, from which there was no escape.