Pink Flamingos

Tarot

The next day, Mama Chelsea and I sat on my bed together, the afternoon sunlight streaming in through the open curtains. I watched attentively as she shuffled her deck of tarot cards. She seemed to be lost to the world – entirely focused on what she was doing, on the way she was doing it.

She had once told me that the only thing that separated someone ‘magical’ from someone without magic was intent – not good or bad intent, but rather the intensity of the intent. When she shuffled her deck of tarot cards, or when she did one of her rituals, she threw every aspect of who she was into it.

Her teaching was fascinating to me. She told me that it was vital for her to visualize her intentions, to let her consume her as she practiced. The world around her completely melted away. Everything was only her – a product of her emotions, her purposes and what she wanted to either give to or gain from the universe.

To me, it seemed as though she became Mother Earth, she was a version of Gaia walking among us. Despite my own sadness, I understood why my mother loved her as much as she did – I didn’t understand what it meant to be magical until I met Mama Chelsea. She carried mysticism in every little thing she did.

“Pick a card,” she said, spreading the shuffled tarot deck in front of me. “Remember to choose the one that you feel the most drawn and connected to, otherwise it won’t work.”

I studied the intricate designs of the deck that was laid before me. Barely even touching, I ran my fingers over the cards, trying to concentrate on which card was calling for me. Mama Chelsea watched attentively.

After taking a moment or two, with every second seemingly to drag on for an eternity in the silence, the only interruption being the noisy air-con buzzing in the background, I chose a card closer to the center of the spread-out deck and handed it to her face down.

“This is a call to the future, a piece of who you are going to be,” she said as she flipped the card over. “The Lovers.”

With a frown, I studied the image Mama Chelsea set before me – the naked man and woman in the frame, separated an angel who held the sun.

“The Lovers,” she continued, “symbolize a romantic love, clearly. But they also symbolize balance, harmony and unity. It means strength that comes from trust in others.”

I asked myself the inevitable, terrifying and invigorating question – what did it mean for me? As soon as it popped into my mind, I pushed the thought of Eddie away. There is nothing between us, I told myself, not even friendship; it’s really only records and acquaintances.

Perhaps my eventual lover is someone I will meet at school, I wondered. It didn’t have to be Eddie, I didn’t even want it to be. We were complete opposites, and he certainly wasn’t my type.

Mama Chelsea cleared her throat, interrupting my thoughts. “Ready for the next one?” I nodded and, repeating the same process, chose another card.

She flipped it over and set it beside the lovers. “Two of Chalices,” she announced. I studied the card – the man and woman, this time clothed, offering each other goblets under the symbol of the Greek god, Hermes.

“What does it mean?” I asked.

“Patience,” she said, and took a deep breath before going on. “Mutual respect and harmony. Gee, you’re gonna have a pretty peaceful future, kiddo. Or at least, when it comes to other people. It’s about a beneficial outcome for both people. It can also represent a nurturing love.”

It seemed that I was getting more questions than answers, but I couldn’t help but feel excited for the coming future – romantically, at least. After that, I drew the Six of Swords. The card that sat next to the two others showed a woman and a young child being rowed in a boat lined with swords. I couldn’t help but smile slightly; seeing it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like I was going to be protected.

“You’ve got a real good reading today, Nance. This means that if you want to move forward, you’ve gotta leave things behind too. It’s the best option for you. it’s about finding greater clarity and understanding of the world. The card symbolizes a trip too – a journey full of unexpected surprises. That could be literally or more figuratively. You could be taking an actual trip, or it could just mean life itself.”

I sighed. “Knowing me, it’s probably just gonna be life. A long, long life,” I said as I laid back on my bed.

Mama Chelsea intertwined her fingers with mine. Softly, I felt her other hand find my stomach. She always pressed against my belly when she felt that I was upset – she had always said that it was her way of empathizing with me, feeling exactly what I was feeling. It was as though my emotions flowed through me and up her arm until it reached her heart.

In my opinion, it didn’t really do anything, but I couldn’t deny that it was comforting.

“I know that things must not seem so great at the moment,” she said softly, “but it’s not gonna be this way for you forever. Your life is going to be so exciting and so adventurous. You’re going to do everything you want and then some. Don’t doubt the process, kiddo – just because you’re not everything you wanna be now, doesn’t mean that it’s never gonna come to you. The universe works in mysterious ways. All we can do is be patient.”

While a million thoughts rushing through my mind, I somehow found my voice. “What if I don’t know how to be patient?” I asked softly.

She didn’t have time to answer. The door opened and shut, and Mama Heather entered. A slight smile came over my face as I recognized her footsteps – a quiet pitter-pattering sound against the threadbare rug. I looked over to her as she leaned against the door way, underneath the open window. She said with radiant eyes, “How are my angels?”

Mama Chelsea giggled. “Angel #1,” she pointed to herself, “is a little bit good, a little bit sleepy and feels a little bit like potato chips? And Angel #2,” she poked me in the stomach, “is bored, worried for the future and probably going to find love within the next few months.”

“Well,” she began as she sat down beside Chelsea, “I guess things aren’t going to be boring for long then. Why’s everything getting you down, Nance?” I felt her hand reach for mine, until I was caught completely between both my mothers.

I shrugged. It was hard to speak – my mind was spinning at a million miles an hour every moment of the day, but each time I tried to express even the simplest thought it took all the focus, concentration and bravery I had to give. There was a disconnect between my mind and my mouth. Anytime I tried to say something personal, it’s as though my voice wasn’t my own and it was coming from far away, from the end of the tunnel. When possible, I preferred not to speak at all.

Eventually, I simply settled for saying, “I don’t know what to do with myself.” It wasn’t a lie, but things were so much more complicated than I could even describe. But each and every word was so exhausting to force out of my mouth that I couldn’t even imagine telling anyone the full story. Sometimes my nature scared me.