A Glimpse of What Could Be

Chapter 1

“Hey, it’s you again, kathy.” He approached me smiling ear to ear. Hindi ko alam bakit feeling close na talaga siya sakin.

I smiled back, as he came near me. “Hello, what are you doing here? Did you also buy groceries?” I asked in confusion.

Umiling siya. He’s still wearing a uniform, probably he hasn’t gone home yet. “Hindi, napadaan lang ako, tapos nakita kita kaya I approached you.” He said, but I can see his hesitation and he’s a bit nervous. “D-do you need help? Ako na tumulak baka mabigat.” He took the cart from my hand and pushed it while following me.

I was shocked when he suddenly got the cart off my hands. “Hala! It’s okay, it’s not that heavy naman, Gray.” Akmang babawiin ko na sana kaso ay nagpumilit siya at ayaw nang ibalik sakin.

“Nahh, okay lang...I’ll accompany you muna, wala rin naman akong gagawin, eh.” Mukha nga wala siyang magawa sa buhay kaya wala na akong nagawa pa.

I just let him do that...

“So, you’re living alone here? How’s life being independent so far?” He started a conversation. I didn’t know he’s good conversationalist, huh.

“It’s not that hard... I’m used to live on my own since I was a kid.” I answered.

That’s true. I never had the chance to enjoy my childhood as much as how other children did. I grew not having to rely to my parents. They always think I can do anything on my own...I was always expected to be the best, even without anyone’s guidance and support.

My parents were always busy managing our business and fulfilling their dreams and succeeding in their career. I was the unwanted child, my mom wasn’t ready to carry and raise a child. They never thought of bringing me into this world. I can’t blame them for that. And I realized it when I started to understand things.

“That’s good to hear, I never expected to meet someone as strong as you.” Gray looked at me with an apologetic smile.

I sighed, “I just needed to, I guess...”

I walked into another aisle to find some cookies, it’s my favorite snack especially when I’m studying.

“I admire you for that.” He replied. Inabot niya ang cookies at nilagay sa push cart.

Hindi ko siya masisisi kung makaramdam man siya ng awa sakin, sanay na ako sa ganito. Dahil bata pa lang ako ay alam ko na at ramdam ko na parang wala lang ako sa kanila...nung una ay pinilit ko intindihin kahit masakit. Kahit ayaw kong tanggapin sa sarili ko ang katotohanan ay napaka-obvious naman yata para hindi ko makikita’t maramdaman kung pano nila ako ibalewala.

Nung mga panahon na kailangan ko ng magulang... Pero hindi ko alam kong saan ko sila hahanapin. O, kung kailan sila darating. Palagi silang busy, saka halos gabi na rin umuuwi.

Kapag umuwi naman sila madalas ay tulog na ako at paggising ko sa umaga ay saktong paalis na rin sila.

It’s hard to have a complete family yet you feel completely alone.

I was left in the dark and longing for a light to guide me home.

Sobrang naiinggit ako sa mga kaklase ko t’wing hatid sundo sila ng magulang nila, habang ako ay kailangan matotong pumunta ng school at umuwing mag-isa.

“Okay na pala, you can go ahead... I’ll just pay for these then uuwi na rin ako.” Kinuha ko na ang cart saka pumila sa counter pero nanatiling nakasunod si Gray. Ewan ko, bakit ang kulit niya.

“I’ll walk you home, I’m not rushing naman...I’ll just wait for you here.” He seems serious when he said he’ll accompany me. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang, ayaw ko naman makipagtalo...saka wala rin naman yata syang masamang binabalak.

Pagkatapos ko magbayad ay lumapit ako sa kanya, saka niya naman kinuha ang pinamili ko. He carry it effortlessly, as if hindi mabigat yang mga ‘yan. Sabagay, halata naman na nag g-gym ‘tong tao na ‘to...sa ganda ba naman ng hubog ng katawan niya, tyak batak mag workout itong tao na ‘to.

I want to ask him if we can eat before we go home but I know we’re not yet friends, so sa susunod nalang. “A-ahm, dito na pala, thanks pala for your help.”

Nandito na kami ngayon sa harap ng building ng condo ko kaya I bid goodbye.

“No problem, I’ll see you tomorrow, kathy.” He waved his hand and walked away.

Mabait naman pala, eh. Sadyang masakit lang tumitig nung umpisa, parang jinudge niya buong pagkatao ko nung nakaraan.

Indeed, we can never judge a book by it’s cover unless we know what’s in the inside. So, I’m willing to get close to him and get to know him well.

I was never this interested to anyone before, but now hindi ko na alam bakit bigla nalang gusto kong kilalanin si Gray. I want to know him deeper...I feel safe and comfortable when he’s with me.

Dati may mga sumubok din naman na makipagkaibigan, o, yung iba ay gustong manligaw. May mga pagkakataon nga na tuwing Valentine’s Day ay punong-puno ng mga bulaklak, letters, and chocolates yung armchair ko. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung kanino galing...Pero ayoko talaga magpaligaw noon pa man.

Para sakin, it’s just a waste of time... tyaka, wala akong pakealam kahit trending pa yung jowaan, hindi pa naman end of the world, right?

But my whole perspective changed when I met, Gray.

I don’t know what’s his difference from other guys, I just find him attractive...and unique?

Hays, it feels foreign... it’s new to me. Why do I feel something towards him? I thought I would never like someone or at least let anyone in my life.

I’ve been distant my whole life. I hate being surrounded by the crowd. I don’t like to go outside and socialize. Even when I was a kid, I barely attended family gatherings, unless I’m required to be there. Also, my parents don’t give a f**k, whether I

show up or not.

We just exist in the same space without actually acknowledging each other’s presence.

I guess, that’s one thing I’ve lived for.

I never felt valued by the people whom I expected to be my safe place, yet they’re the ones who broke me piece by piece.

And now I am trying to pick those pieces of myself one by one just to feel whole in order to survive this f*****g adult life.

Pagkapasok ko ng unit ay agad kong nilagay sa lalagyan lahat ng pinamili ko. Saka ako dumiritso sa banyo para mag half bath. Pagkatapos nun ay agad kong kinuha ang cellphone ko sa side table para i-check if there are important announcement in our group chat.

Pero pagka open ko ang bumungad sakin ang friend request ni Gray. I clicked his name and automatically brought me to his profile.

Javier Gray Cojuanco

The state of the world is a reflection of our collective consciousness.

Studying Political Science at UP Diliman

I clicked confirm and stalked his profile... Wala naman siyang ibang post kung hindi ay puro current issues sa bansa.

Hindi siya pala post ng mukha niya. Wala siyang uploaded photos maliban sa profile picture niya ngayon. It was taken in Paris. He’s wearing all black and the Eiffel Tower were visible at the back.

It’s a candid photo, only his side face was captured. But, it still looked aesthetic.

After a while, I received a message. When I opened it, I saw that it was from him.

From Javier: Hi, wyd? Have you eaten dinner?

Kathy: Not yet hehe. Just

finished arranging my groceries.

From Javier: Ohh, you must be hungry already, don’t starve yourself too much, kathy.

Kathy: Okay... I’ll eat first.

Thanks for helping me earlier.

From Javier: It’s my pleasure, kath. Eat well.

I went to my kitchen and savour my food. I ordered ready-to-eat meal since I wasn’t in the mood to cook and I was tired as well.

After dinner, I opened my laptop to study for tomorrow’s subjects. Baka may pa surprise recit na naman or di kaya’y quiz. Mas mabuti nang prepared.

Maraming coverage ang bawal subjects for this sem kaya gusto kong mag focus talaga dahil iyon lang ang tanging paraan to make my parents proud of me.

Was is ironic? Yes, they never asked me if I’m alright, but they always asks if I’m doing well at school.

That’s what matters to them most.

They didn’t really care about me...they only care about my achievements, so they can boast it to their friends or colleagues.

If I fail, means I’m unworthy of their support and attention —even when they never gave me an attention nor supported me at all.

I always had to make them proud so I will be noticed.

Nagbasa lang ako hanggang sa dinalaw na ako ng antok. Saka ko lang namalayan na mag a-alas 12 na pala ng hating-gabi kaya I decided to close my laptop and doze off.