True Intention

Ch 9- Practicing just to exist...

Naomi POV

As I lay in my bed after Ren gently kissed my forehead goodnight, my mind was reeling. There was a part of me that wanted the friendships the girls and the guys seemed to want, and if I was honest, the more that Soren himself offered, so badly. I wanted to believe in them, rely on them. I wanted to heal. There was another part of me that kept wondering if they had the capability of sticking it out. Nobody had bothered, and even my own parents had taken me at my word and left well enough alone.

I was always left to handle the trauma, the continued abuse like a stone pillar with no other support.

If I couldn't handle this much, it meant I was weak, right?

That was the message I kept getting from family, peers, and adults.

In my mind, I knew I wasn't the problem. I knew I was worthy. I knew I was beautiful. But sometimes the other part of your brain makes you doubt. I think, especially when it's only family that offers praise, and you don't really have friends or people outside that offer support, it's so easy to doubt. Your mom tells you that you are pretty because she's your mom, stuff like that. Hearing Ren say it was completely different. Different than the shitty inference that my only value was as a s****l object that most of my male peers had made. Not that I wanted to compare them, because that was totally unfair to Ren.

Somehow I managed to drag myself out of bed the next morning, despite the fact that I would rather have rolled myself into my blanket like a burrito and pretend the rest of... everything... didn't exist.

Wednesday was like a free day, with only Illustration. After Ren's harsh declaration the day before, it was uneventful. My mind, however, was still spinning in circles. The girls had hung out with me most of the day, cementing how awesome they were. We just... agreed on almost everything, and it was 100% genuine. They weren't being nice to me just because Ren asked. They made it clear they liked me, sarcasm and philosophy included.

After another fitful sleep, where I had horrible nightmares of Ren and his friends turning their backs on me mixed with dreams where I was trying to save them from my prior tormentors but I kept getting lost, I woke early. On accident, and not a happy one. My stressful dreams had left me quite tired and grumpy. I stared at my boring ass clothes and sighed. I wasn't ready to rip off the band-aid yet, but I could feel the urge to just let it all out. I mean, the color contacts I used were going to make me even grumpier with their f*****g itchiness. I sighed.

One thing at a time. I'd have to see how these new friendships went first, and if it looked solid, I could give something more with Ren a try. Grabbing the burgundy set for the day, I dressed and with no energy at all, slung my bag over my shoulder. I was going to let them walk with me to class today, I decided. I couldn't leave it all to them. The boys were settled at the breakfast bar with coffees, and seemed a little surprised I was up so early. I waved desultorily, not ready for words, and started making my coffee.

"Gooooood morninnnnng new bestie." Enzo sang out, and I cringed. God, he was loud. Like, channeling Robin Williams in Good Morning, Vietnam, loud.

"Does he have a mute button hidden somewhere?" I snipped at Archer and Soren as I pointed at Enzo, who just looked startled I'd said that much.

"Ummm." Archer said, looking uncomfortable, shifting in his seat.

"Doubt it, he's been like this since he invited himself to be our friend what, nine years ago?" Soren quipped.

"I don't have a mute button or an off button. It's part of my charm." Enzo grinned, totally without apology. Nobody should be this cheerful first thing in the morning, it's just gross.

"What charm?" I griped, totally annoyed. "Is there actually a girl that's lasted more than one date out there? Because somehow I doubt it." I continued mumbling, beyond grumpy that it was taking my coffee any longer than five minutes ago to be ready.

"You okay there, Nao?" Soren said, laughing at my attitude, though I knew he wasn't actually making fun of me. He was delighting in seeing yet another side of me. God, the man was a simp. I rubbed my face.

"I can be myself around you guys, right? Well, here you go. I'm evil without my coffee, especially after one of the worst night's sleep I've ever had." I said tiredly, feeling beyond exhausted, and it was only Thursday.

"Oh? What happened?" Archer said, and although he seemed genuinely interested, without my coffee I snapped. I turned to him and squinted my eyes.

"Are you really a man of few words or is that just what people assume?" I griped stiffly. "Seem pretty wordy to me."

"Are you sure you wanna come at me, Miss Incognito Piercings?" He shot right back, eyebrow raised.

"Don't. You. Dare, Archer." I warned darkly.

"Then get your coffee and maybe wait till you can be civil again to speak." He retorted, a ghost of a smile hovering at one corner of his mouth. Enzo's eyes were wide as looked back and forth between us. Soren was laughing silently.

"Yes! Nao, it's already an improvement!" Soren exclaimed with a slow clap. Archer shot me a look.

"Yeah, but being prickly to your friends for the sake of having someone to pick at isn't really cool either." He huffed. I reached over and patted his arm, causing him to stare at me in shock yet again.

"You are totally right. My bad. I'm grumpy and yeah, I need coffee to lock my filter in place. Sorry, Arch." I said, trying out his nickname. He smiled, but I could tell he was fighting a laugh. His eyes sparkled, saying it was all in good fun, and he wasn't really bothered. s**t, these guys were really way too nice. It felt good to feel, well, human. To feel safe being myself.

"Aww, come on, I wanna talk s**t tooooo." Said Enzo, whining. Then his head whipped to me, then tilted slightly. Oh no. He caught on to what Archer had said. "Piercings? You don't say." He squinted at me as if magic was suddenly going to reveal all my secrets. He wiggled his pointer finger at me. "I'll figure them out yet, trust me." He was still eyeing me carefully, but somehow trying to work out what piercings I had managed to silence him.

"I'm sure you will try." I murmured, sucking down my liquid kick-start. I went to the fridge and grabbed a yogurt. Soren shifted in his seat, making it clear something was on his mind.

"So, Nao, are you planning to ditch your disguise?" He asked carefully, as if he was worried he was going to push me too much. I knew he wanted me to trust them to have my back if I leaned into my own style and natural eyes, but I wasn't ready to make that leap just yet. It was nice not having Carla target me all the time. Yet.

"Not just yet." I sighed. "Let me get used to having friends first and then maybe I'll feel confident enough to wear my real clothes." I giggled.

"By the way." Soren said, grinning as he nodded. "One of us is going everywhere with you. Whether it's one of us or the girls, no going anywhere alone, alright? Being alone is when you give the shitheads an opportunity." I bristled for a moment, but said nothing.

He wasn't wrong.

"Fine. I need to get to know you guys anyway." All three nodded. Soren was wearing dark gray Techwear cargoes and his usual buckled black boots. Today's tee shirt was burgundy, and of that same butter-soft fabric he really seemed to like a lot. He'd already thrown on his asymmetrical zippered black hoodie... straight out of Assassin's Creed or something, fitted on top and loosely jagged edged around the hem. Today he'd put some kind of styling product in his hair and skillfully finger combed it backwards making the undercut look more polished, but still like he just had a woman tousling it. Grr. No wonder they were all panting for him. And he smelled amazing.

He was a f*****g nose magnet, I swear.

On to the other two. Archer with his faux-hawk leaned more for a rocker vibe as far as his clothes went. If he really wanted to give himself fully to the look, he would grow his hair out. Black military-style jacket with band patches and buckles, a burgundy and black striped v-neck tee, and super dark-washed skinny jeans were finished off with black Doc Martens. Enzo was the lightest of the bunch with a sort of hipster vibe. He wore a light olive military style jacket that was plain- no extra straps or patches, and faded stonewashed skinny jeans with olive green slip on vans. His shirt was a red vintage Coca-Cola tee. They all looked cool, and I had to admit it was tough not to go change so that I felt less bland.

"Soooo today, Nao." Enzo flopped his arm over my shoulders. I was so proud. I didn't flinch. "All of us are going together. Got it?" He grinned.

We grabbed our bags and headed towards our first class. We chatted, and to be honest, how great it felt had me nervous. I was still beside myself worrying whether this friendship was going to weather the storm I instinctively felt was coming. The guys took turns touching me or getting in my space in very platonic ways. Side hugs, arm over the shoulders, back pats, et cetera. By the time we reached the classroom, I was feeling so much more comfortable. It helped that I knew they were not going to hurt me. Freaking trifecta of hotness, though I really only had eyes for Ren.

Practice had been a success, so far.

And then, we entered the classroom.

Soren slung his arm around my waist, guiding me to our seats, while Enzo and Archer went to their respective spots at the back. Death by glare? Yup, I'd probably be dead twenty times over, conservative estimate. The girls that weren't glaring were looking down uncomfortably. Oh. The ones not looking were in Illustration with us. Right, Soren claimed me in front of them all. When he noticed my eyes taking everyone in and my successive shrink deeper into my seat, Soren of course, had to see what the fuss was about.

His hand on the desk in front of the two of us clenched into a fist. Oh, God. Here it comes.

"Gotta love how people just can't mind their own f*****g business, right Enzo?" He said, super f*****g loud, as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. s**t. His eyes were daring any of them to comment.

"Yeah Bro, bitches be huuungry but know they don't have a chance, so they attack the one you got your eye on. Sadge." Piped up Enzo from the back of the room.

"Definitely not Nao's fault you got the hots for her." Archer laughed.

Thankfully, the teacher walked in before the chaos I foresaw in my future took over. Guess we're just diving right into the deep end.

No kiddie pool for me. Ugh.