True Intention

Ch 13- Your heart is my home...

Naomi POV

Maybe it was ill-advised, but I needed to hug him. I needed him to hold me back. Practice was just an excuse to be closer to him without actually moving forward, and I knew it. This time I was wearing a tiny pair of black and purple plaid flannel sleep shorts, a black ribbed tank top, and a black Tokidoki pullover hoodie. I had put my hair into two French braids, which hung over my shoulders. My contacts were out, and I was shaking as I waited for Soren to knock on my door. Not because I was fearful, no, far from it. It was excitement, and probably more than a little nervousness.

Being around him was like holding onto a live wire.

I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted.

Okay, that's a lie.

I know what I want I'm just afraid to go for it, afraid to be set adrift yet again. I want to trust my instincts, because as much as it might seem like they were broken, they'd not been wrong, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with no assistance. That awful party? I'd known something was off, and was outside making my final decision on staying or leaving when Robert had appeared. I'd waited too long and not trusted my instincts the moment I arrived.

I can gratefully say I've never made the same mistake again. Bad feeling= yeet immediately.

The thing where I got locked in the school? Well... I was trying to leave but... yeah, locked doors were kinda outside my control. But I was trying, and that's how I found a cracked window and escaped. That window should never have been open, and yet, there it was. The sprinklers had put out the fire relatively easily, but it could have been so much worse. I don't know if I'd say I was lucky... but I definitely felt like it at the time.

I don't get a bad feeling from my new friends, not at all. I want so desperately to believe in them. Almost as much as I want to get my degree. To have them catch me if something happens, and finally feel free just being myself. There's a part of me that feels like it's unfair to them. To rely on them, even when they say I'm not a burden. What are they getting out of it? Self-gratification? The pleasure of my company? Yeah, right. I sighed, just as Ren knocked at my door.

I sucked in a deep breath, trying to seem calm and collected.

I totally wasn't.

"Come in." I called, and he came in wearing light grey waffle knit pants and a silk knit black v-neck tee. The man certainly loved soft materials. I was standing when he entered. I'd been lightly pacing, actually. His eyes flickered over me and his brow popped up. He did that a lot. I bet he's got childhood pictures with his eyebrow like that.

"Everything okay, Nao?" He asked cautiously, seeming to catch my nervous energy.

"I am just... after so long alone I'm scared to trust, you know?" I rushed out anxiously. "I really want to hang out with you guys, so far it's been beyond amazing to get to know Heidi and Steph, and the guys, and... you most of all." I wrung my hands, going back to pacing. He sighed.

I was aware he was trying his best not to pressure me, none of them were, but somehow I still felt pressured anyway. Pressure from myself, I think. The desire to accept at war with the desire to protect my heart. Because I already understood that if this group turned its back on me, even now, I'd be absolutely devastated. Beyond repair, even, and that was not healthy at all.

"Is there anything I can personally do to ease your mind? I feel pretty strongly that only time is going to convince you. All this worrying isn't helping you move forward, babe." He said casually, and I paused. It was my turn to pop a brow. This guy managed to push all of my boundaries without making me feel cornered. It's a special skill, I'm telling you.

"Babe?" I questioned, and his eyes boldly, unapologetically, met mine. The heat I saw there gave me pause.

For all that this was difficult for me, it was pretty clear Soren was struggling to be balanced too, and I had to admit I hadn't given much thought to his emotional state until now.

"Well, you're not pacing anymore, right? Feel less anxious, right?" He asked confidently, smirking. "Plus, you know I like you, so why not? Unless... you already have someone and I just missed it?" He sounded slightly less sure towards the end, but only a little. I decided to have pity on him, despite the fact that I could have let him wonder. I was beginning to realize that for him, what was between us made him pretty vulnerable too, for all of his swagger.

"You're right, you successfully distracted me with your pet name. No, I've never dated. No way anyone was brave enough to have an actual relationship with me, friend, boyfriend, none of it, once Carla and Robert got a hold of them." I sighed.

"Free license to call you babe then. Awesome. And Nao, and whatever else my brilliant mind comes up with." He quipped, perking up considerably. I could just see the gears turning in his head. All the firsts he could have, his cheeks flushing in delight. I know satisfaction and excitement when I see it. A kid in a candy store got nothing on this man's expression.

"Fine, fine, just, dial it down in public please." I said reluctantly, and he crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes. "What?"

"We are not hiding s**t. If I want to call you a pet name, I will. People can make of it what they want. I'll have your back, and so will our friends. You can stop hiding yourself anytime, Nao. I promise you." He spoke firmly, his tone gentle but also very frustrated. I already knew this was hard for him to understand. Why I was so hesitant. He knew the details, now, but the emotions behind my choices were causing him considerable confusion.

"Ren, I understand that in my brain, I really do, but my heart is still operating in survival mode." I said, wanting him to understand it's not something I can just turn off. He ran a hand through his hair, the movement sensuous and extremely distracting.

I'd like to trade places with his hand. I don't even care if that sounds nasty right now. He's a beautiful man. Don't judge.

"I know, Nao, I'm just trying so hard to not flip my s**t too. I got my files back on Robert, Carla, and even the asshat that tried to fight me. They're terrible people. I already put things in motion for the guys, but I'm not gonna lie, I want to take Carla down slowly and painfully. You called me in here to practice, so let me hold you, okay? Let's forget about the rest for now." He implored, his eyes pleading. He was right, if it were me in his shoes I'd be desperate to damage those that had damaged my loved ones. I already had plans for this jerkface that had attacked Ren. I padded over to my bed, slid in, and patted next to me. Ren laid down next to me, face-to-face, pulling me to his chest. Not a quiver of fear or anxiety did I feel.

Aw, man. It's already too late. I more than like him, and I know it.

"So, you must have got the asshat's name then, the one that came at you." I said tightly, attempting to distract myself.

"Yeah, one Kenny Jones. Has a slight history of violence, but I can't say whether the warning I've engineered from the school will do anything or not. By the way, we're gonna get you set up with some hidden body cams. All of the guys, as well as Heidi and Steph, already have them. Best way to prevent those delightful he said, she said situations. That cool?" He asked casually, and I nodded.

Frankly, I loved the idea. As someone that had been shredded by lack of opposing evidence and support, it was something anyone being bullied should try to get their hands on, in my opinion. These days, technology got better and less expensive. Far too much lying and half-truths getting posted as reality were already the case. A little editing here, the right phrase there, and people rushed to support whatever bullshit was being spewed. You used to be able to trust pictures so much more, but with editing it can be dangerous.

His fingers brushed my cheek tenderly as he looked into my eyes. We were silent for a moment, just looking our fill, emotions pouring from both of us. Things neither of us wanted to say, just yet. This was all moving pretty damn fast, anyway. His fingers drifted to my neck, then my shoulder, then down my side. I swallowed thickly, trying and failing to not be totally affected by his touch.

"On a lighter note, when's your birthday?" I asked breathlessly, wanting to let go of all the crap we had to deal with, just for now. I didn't want my time in his delectable arms tainted.

"Ah, my birthday is February sixth. Aquarius." He grinned. "How about you?"

"Mine is June tenth. Gemini." I answered. His hand was on my waist, burning through the hoodie. His scent wrapped around me. One day I'd be bold enough to ask what it was. Maybe even shove my face into his neck and just take a long, happy sniff. It was fresh and citrus-y, with an almost ocean-y note, along with a woodsy hint. There was a lot more to it than that, but it caught your attention without being overpowering. My body was humming at his touch, but I knew for myself and his sake, I needed to allow myself time to be in a good place. You see so many instances where people latch onto another like a crutch, and don't actually learn to help themselves.

I don't ever want to be that needy.

We whispered back and forth about basic things we liked for hours, his hand slipping under my tank and hoodie to skim the skin on my rib cage, but no further. Is it bad I kinda wished he would let it drift past the boundaries he'd invisibly set? We had similar style, and both preferred black, gray, and burgundy or dark purple to most other colors as far as what we wore, but had specific favorite colors we would not probably wear. Mine was the golden yellow of sunrise, and his was the pure turquoise you see in the Caribbean seas. We both liked industrial types of music, whether metal or electronic, but had a soft spot for folk metal. Our views on most things aligned, which was not much of a surprise considering our majors. As I got sleepier, Ren stirred.

"I should probably go to my room , hmm?" He said sleepily, sounding despondent. I held his hand, which had migrated to my belly, in place.

"Stay." I whispered. And he did.

Best. Sleep. Ever.