True Intention

Ch 17- Time

Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how you miss me when I have flown. What am I? – Time.

Naomi POV

After much discussion, we started our own profile, for our group, on social media. We all shared it. The point was to put most of what we did out there, so there was no question about where we were or who we were doing it with. It seemed to help balance all the negativity that Carla was trying to put out. Before we knew it, September was over and we were a few weeks into October. Soren was still sleeping in my bed, and sadly we'd kept to safe zones. I wanted him, and I know he wants me, but I think we were both hesitant to disrupt the current peace.

I could almost feel him struggle to pull himself away from me every single morning.

Yeah... I found it painful, too.

My friends had my back. Carla was trying her best to pull bullshit, but to my surprise only a handful of people really either cared or believed her. Most of the students had better things to do than listen to her try to recreate high school. I finally felt like I could believe in people again. Kenny was given a single warning, even a hint of violence, and he was out of school. His parents had been mortified, though they certainly weren't shocked. He ignored me completely, and I was totally fine with it. We kept eyes on him though, just to make sure he wasn't trying to bully anyone else.

I didn't want anything other than a peaceful existence. Create art, and spend time with people I cared about, which was now a lot larger group than before I came to EWU. I'd not planned on it, but I was grateful all the same. They'd all wormed their way into my hearts in their unique ways. At the least, we did our thing and everyone else could just f**k off, like Ren said, if they didn't like it. I was feeling more and more confident in this type of thinking.

I was starting to regain who I was when I first moved to Washington State. That edgy, artsy chick that wasn't worried about the opinions of others. I had missed her. A lot.

The best news was about Robert. I had not known about his pattern of assaults until Ren shared it with me. Turns out, within a few weeks at his new school, he'd already started the same pattern. Thankfully, none of his victims were about to let him get away with it, and between their reports and all the information that had been provided by Soren, the DA he was working with had no problem getting a conviction, and a life sentence. The DA had in total, fifteen victims.

Carla had noisily blamed me on social media, but had such backlash for supporting a r****t that she'd had to back off on that one. It was highly publicized, so it wasn't something she was able to manipulate without looking bad. In fact, many students had questioned why she dated such a person for so long and why she'd helped him harass girls. She had no answer.

She was implicated as an accessory in the case, but her parents somehow managed to make a plea deal with probation. I didn't like it, but one day I hoped she got what she deserved. There would be no getting out of it if Ren had his way.

Maybe Ren should have gone into law, I thought with a chuckle.

Ren still had someone keeping an eye on her and her socials. She had a following of about fifty people left. Most had abandoned her after the whole supporting a convicted felon thing. She'd managed to hook up with a few drunk guys at parties, but nobody was really interested in becoming a couple with her. She certainly tried though. Started with the football team, then moved to basketball, then baseball, then volleyball, then the business majors, and so on. She'd throw herself at them, they'd take a page from Ren's book and deny her. After her false accusations, not many had faith in her words. I'd have felt bad for her if she hadn't spent so much energy trying to destroy me.

It was really quite sad. Instead of focusing on her future, she was living in past grievances and trying to use men to feel important. She had still not selected a major, and there were whispers that she was paying someone to do her papers and notes. She was going to get caught and probably expelled at some point, since she wasn't that intelligent. It was like she thought she had immunity from the consequences of anything she did. One day, reality was going to bite her hard.

Thankfully, the novelty of my appearance and situation seemed to be wearing off. When people realized that, regardless of whether we were dating or not, Ren and I were basically inseparable, most of them gave up. Like 75%. I was able to be friendly with a lot more people, and that same fear of being among unknown people lessened every day. I almost felt like I could do it on my own. This was one of my remaining issues... could I be this way, confident and happy, without my new circle of friends? It might not seem that important, but life is unpredictable. I would not want to end up on my own somewhere and just... fall apart. The idea that it could happen was beyond frustrating. How could I let someone like Robert control me like that, even locked away in jail? Maybe because others had taken it as open license to do the same? Even then, in a way, he was winning. I needed to take that control back.

I could not ever let another person influence me like that again. Hiding, Ren was right, was no solution. I felt so much better letting go of the need to "fly under the radar." If I wanted to be better, believe in myself, I had to push myself to do it. Nobody could make me believe in myself more than I could myself. And even if they did, it was a false sense of security, pulled away the moment I was alone.

I had started doing therapy again, through an app. It was nice that you could meet anytime in that way. The therapist I'd gotten this time around seemed much more effective than my other therapists, no offense to them. After experiencing a totally different counselor, I understood that a lot of what could have been accomplished had not been. She had even mailed me these three self-help books by Rusty Berkus that had gorgeous artwork and helpful daily affirmations. To Heal Again, Life is a Gift, and Appearances were the kind of books that you could read every day in maybe fifteen minutes, and come away with your mind in a better place. Instead of focusing on not feeling bad for what happened to me, we focused on how I choose to respond to my emotions.

Re-establishing control.

I have limited control over everything that happens to me, but I can control what I do, feel, think, or say in response. I can choose not to let my emotions be in control. I had been about halfway there on my own, but I was definitely still feeling like I was in the passenger seat of life when our sessions started. Her philosophy was very similar to Ren's. Choose what works for you, not for everyone else. Within reason, of course. Nothing illegal, obviously! Leslie was a wonderful woman, and I was so grateful for how much she had helped me.

She put the reins in my hands and metaphorically said, go where it is that you wish to go, because it's all up to you.

Ren had me modeling for him. He had tried to say he didn't need me to be naked, but I knew better.

During the first session, I had simply stripped to nothing without saying a word, making the poor man swallow audibly.

I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy his discomfort just a little. I wanted him to feel as desperate as I did.

Pretty sure I had succeeded.

As much as he had an excellent artist's eye... he'd won the Illustration contests our teacher held weekly every time... there was nothing as good as seeing the reality, if that is what you were trying to capture. He'd also been working furiously on another side project but refused to say what it was. The nude sessions were good for me, helped me reclaim my sexuality, in a way. I got to choose it. I wasn't forced. And Ren was nothing but respectful, regardless of his filthy, flirty mouth.

He made it increasingly difficult not to just give in to my feelings and take things to the next level.

Because I wanted him and I wanted him with hopeless desperation.

But I needed to work on me so that I was in a balanced place.

Heidi and Steph, along with Archer and Enzo, were continually teasing me and asking when I was going to finally let Ren ask me out officially. I had improved so much in just under a month, I think they forgot that healing truly takes time. I have to be certain that I'm ready to go forward, that I'm not going to fall flat on my face emotionally. I understand that all relationships have their ups and downs, but I don't want to feel insecure and need him to build me back up all the time.

I don't doubt his feelings for me at all, he's never faltered. Any girl even tries to come near him, and he is just as brutal as he was to Carla. He tells me every day how much he cares about me as we fall asleep. He's unique and brilliant, and as long as I still feel that he is more than I deserve, I worry that my insecurity will re-emerge. Leslie says I need to choose to believe that I am worthy of him to be able to take the next step.

I want to believe it, I really do.

I'm lucky I met them all. Seriously, I'm so grateful to find a group of people that I feel so comfortable and supported around.

I don't think Ren knows I stare at him while he sleeps, touching his face and hair. I think he's an angel already, but when he's asleep he looks so innocent, you'd never believe a wicked thought crossed his mind. Oh, but it does. Every morning I wake up to a stiff reminder of just how naughty he can be, firmly nestled against my bum. I pretend to be asleep because I know on some level it embarrasses him. It's like our bodies just glom onto each other unconsciously. I don't think he's any less kind or wonderful, he can't help that he's a man. Nature does what it does.

And he was just so damn sexy, I couldn't help but wish he'd be less of a gentleman on occasion.

Suddenly, an idea for a gift, to express my appreciation and affection springs to mind. I ran over to my desk and started sketching.

Hours later, with a massive grin, I scanned my work with an appreciative eye.

If he doesn't like it, I'll use it for myself.