I See You

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Kanina pa siya nakaalis pero hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin nauubos ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

"Umalis ka na." I said. He saw that I was dead serious kaya kahit nagdadalawang-isip ay umalis na siya.

"Sorry for barging in. I know you are busy. I just want to talk."

"You're years too late." Gusto kong isigaw sa kanya yun. Gusto ko siyang sigawan at ibuhos sa kanya ang sakit na aking nararamdaman.

How dare him tell me over and over again that he wants us to talk. What is there to talk? What for?

I curl myself like a cocoon in the sofa. Iyak lang ako ng iyak habang pinagmamasdan ang umiiyak na langit. Damn it, even the sky is crying. I held my chest. It hurts all right.

I am crying to hard, harder than the first time I saw him after he left me. It feels like it burns. I hate it. I hate how fragile and weak I get whenever I think of him. All these years I managed to be strong, brave and independent. Ni hindi ko na iniisip na magbabalik siya. Pero sino ang niloloko ko? Kanina lang ay nakita ko siya ng malapitan, ng kaming dalawa lang. Ang dami kong tanong sa kanya.

Kung bakit niya ako nagawang iwan...

Saan ba ako nagkulang...

I hold my chest, tighter this time. I can hear the thunder outside and it feels scary it makes me weak. Pero mas may nakakatakot pa pala. It's when we think that we could not get any better. That every day is getting worse.

I wake up with the familiar sound. It's my alarm clock. Sa tagal ng panahon, ngayon lang ako nagising dahil sa alarm. I actually don't need the alarm anymore because I always wake up before the alarm went on. Pero iba ngayon. Tumayo ako at tumingin sa salamin. I look horrible and pain, no matter how hard I conceal it, its visible to my eyes.

Napatungo ako. Ano ba tong ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. It's been years, Olivia, wake up! I shook my head and tried to act as normal as possible but the pain seems getting worse and worse. I sighed in defeat. I think the more you resist, the more it pains.

Tumayo na ako. I tried to move my body though I still feel that familiar ache.

"Get a hold of yourself, Olivia." I talked to myself in the mirror. Tumulo yung luha ko ng matitigan ko na ang mukha ko. I am not Olivia anymore. I don't look like Olivia. I look like a lost puppy, crying and waiting for someone to hold on to.

I turned the shower on while I am still on my dress. Hindi ko na alintana ang lamig. I promise that after this, no more heartbreaks...no more tears.

Paalis na ako ng unit ko ng may mapansin ako sa may pintuan. It's an envelope.

Angel

I tried to compose myself when I read what's written on the envelope. Walang pangalan kung kanino galing pero parang alam ko na. There is only one person in this world who calls me Angel. But that was years ago. Hindi na ngayon.

I opened the envelope with my hands shaking.

I'm sorry

I knew it. It's him. Sulat kamay pa lang ay alam ko na kung sino.

"Damn, please give me a break." I whispered. "Ang sakit na." I wiped my tears and calmed myself. Hindi pwedeng ganito na lang palagi. I can't go back to the way I used to be. Not anymore. Not again.

I tore the paper and dropped it to the nearest trash. As soon as I got to the car, I tried to focus on my driving and slowly forgetting about what happened last night.

"Good morning, Atty. Olivia!" Jasmine, one of my staffs, greets me. How I envy those smile. I used to smile like that.. pero biglang nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin ng dumating siya.

I sigh. Hindi ko alam na napansin pala niya yun.

"Okay lang po kayo Ma'am?" She asks. She looks worried.

I sighed again, this time, nag-smile na ako. I can't let him to just make my day sad. Not anymore. I have to be stronger, like how I used to be.

"I am, Jas. Sorry, medyo masama lang ang gising ko." I smile pero alam ko na hindi umabot yun sa mga mata ko.

It's funny how strong I look when I am at the court pero hindi ko man lang kayang maging matatag sa ganitong panahaon.

DAMN

Gusto kong isigaw yun ng sobrang lakas hanggang sa mapagod ako. Akala ko okay na e pero para lang pala akong time bomb na naghihintay ng pagsabog.

"You want coffee po?" She offers.

"Can you buy me a frappe?"

"I know it's your favorite kaya bumili na po ako kanina. Hindi ko lang po inoffer kasi maaga pa po." She chuckles.

I slowly laughed. How I thank God for people who knows how to sympathize.

"Thank you. Where are the others?" I said while scanning the office. Sobrang tahimik and it's unusual. My staffs are kinda noisy.

"Yung ate po nasa korte at nagfa-file, yung bunso naman po nasa school. May Criminal Law exam daw po." She is referring to the senior staff and the intern.

"Okay. So what's my sched?"

She started to read my schedule. Good thing it's gonna be a busy day for me.

"We have a possible client, Ma'am." Jas announced. I looked at her. Natatawa siya na kinikilig.

"What is going on?" I asked.

"Uhm sorry po." She stood up and acted serious.

"So?"

"Someone is looking for you po? He said ikaw daw po kukunin niyang lawyer." Sunod-sunod na sabi niya. Seems like the client knows me. Kukunin na daw ako kahit hindi pa kami nakakapag-usap.

"Who?"

I asked and went back to the case files I was reading.

"Hindi po sinabi ang buong pangalan pero sabi niya sabihin ko raw po na si Mr. Martins." With that, I froze.

"Good morning, Atty. Al-Ani." He greeted me and handed me his hand for a hand-shake.

That handshake sent me millions of emotions that made me weak. Buti na lang at nag flats lang ako ngayon or else I would have tripped.

"Good morning. What can I do for you?" I managed to ask when deep down, I feel like I was choking.

I tried to act as normal and as professional as possible. Not in my office. I whispered to myself.

"I am here to hire you as my lawyer." Walang pag-aalinlangan na sabi niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko. What the hell is he saying?

"What?"

"I said, I want you to be my lawyer." He looked serious but I have to ask again. Is he playing with me?

"Wait, Mr. Martins. First I want to ask what case so I can help you."

Breath or you will show the guy who left you that you are indeed weak.

"No case in particular. I just want to hire you in case." He sound so confident. Parang wala lang sa kanya na andito siya sa harapan ko ngayon.

Look at those cheaters. Hindi lang pala sa pagche-cheat magaling, pati na rin pala sa lahat ng bagay. He acts like nothing happened in the past and acts like we're okay.

The hell.

"Look Atty. Olivia, I know you are my family's lawyer but I want to hire your service as my personal lawyer, too." He looked hopeful pero hindi ko maintindihan. Wala akong maintindihan. What game is he up to now?

"I am already your mom's lawyer and your company's lawyer."

"Yes but I'm hiring you also as-"

I cut him off. There's too much nonsense in here.

"No. You can look for another lawyer. I have enough cases to handle, Mr. Martins." I said in finality.

Hiring me huh! And what's next? Coming over to my house and then say sorry that you don't mean?

Gusto kong tumawa. I know I look funny now. This is hilarious.

He sighed in defeat.

"Look, I just want us to-" Hindi ko na siya pinatapos pa when I spoke again.

"Look, there are a lot of lawyers out there who are more than willing to work for a Martins. And they are much expert and experienced than I am. I hope you know what I am talking to Sir." I stood up. I hope makuha niya ang mensahe ng pagtayo ko - that's dismissing him.

I am done talking to him and I am not ready to all these nonsense talks.

"Jasmine." Tawag ko sa kanya ng saktong dumating siya galing sa labas. "Please lead Mr. Martins the way out. Have a nice day." I smiled to him.

I know it was rude of me to dismiss him. He was almost a client but I don't care. Ayokong magpaka plastic. I will say whatever I wanna say and what I feel.

"Olivia." He said.

"Please call me Atty. Al-Ani. Have a nice day again, Mr. Martins." I emphasized his name to remind him that we are not connected to each other.

Napaupo na lang ako sa swiverl chair ko ng nakaalis na siya. I loked my door to make sure no one will disturb me or ask questions. Lalo na si Jasmine na mukha yatang may crush kay Theo.

I shook my head in despair.

What have you done. I whispered to myself.

It's been a week since our last encounter. I feel so relieved. These past few days have been difficult for me to take but I managed. Para saan pa ang ilang taon na namuhay ako mag-isa at walang balita galing sa kanya.

Now I am in the RTC of Cagayan de Oro for today's decision in one of my cases. It's a r**e case. Unlike from my previous r**e case, we are the complainant here. My client is a college student from a poor family so I can't say no to Jasime when she asked for my help. Classmate ito ni Jas when she was in Cagayan de Oro. I accepted it, pro bono.

"All Rise." The COC announced and we were all on our feet, silently looking at the Judge as she entered the room.

"Honorable Judge Leticia Omar Versailles."

"Criminal Case No. 17-29583, Violation of Anti-r**e Law of 1997, Mary Ann Lasaca, complainant vs. David Castillo, defendant."

I silently prayed to God na sana sa amin pabor ang desisyon. I can't lose this case. Not this time. I can't afford to watch my client in horror kung sakaling mag-desisyon ang Judge na walang sala ang akusado. She will definitely live a miserable life all her life lalo na at ang nang-r**e sa kanya ay galing sa marangyang pamilya. I can't let that happen.

Nasa likod ko si Jasmine at alam ko na tulad ko, nagdarasal rin siya sa magandang kahihinatnan nito. I sighed when the COC ordered everybody to sit down.

Kumabog ang dibdib ko but I remained positive. Alam kong ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko at lahat ng ebidensyang nilabas namin ay nagpatunay na may sala talaga ang akusado. It's just that we can't deny the fact that most of the time, if not sometimes, ay pabor ang hustisya sa mga mayayaman. T

"Appearances." The Judge announced. My heart suddenly beat fast.

"Atty. Olivia Al-Ani, Your Honor, for the complainant."

Everybody is quiet. You can actually feel the pressure inside the room.

My client is silently seated next to me, her eyes closed. I know she is praying so hard. Nakita ko ang isang butil ng luha na pumatak mula sa mga mata niya. She suddenly looked up to me and sighed. I held her hand and whispered to her. "Everything will be okay. Wag kang matakot." I assured her when I, too, needs assuring.

She smiled, but that smile did not reach her eyes.

Nasa kabila naman ang abogado ng suspect. Seated beside him is David, the suspect. He is wearing an orange shirt with hands cuffed. I sighed.

This is what you deserved.

I wanted to slap that right to his face. I have been a lawyer for few years already and I never comingle my personal feelings to my cases expect in r**e cases kung saan minsan hindi ko mapigilan ang panggigigil, pagkagalit at pagka-muhi sa mga taong nanggagahasa. I will never understand it. Never. Who in his right mind would r**e such innocent women, especially children in tender years?

Walang kahit anong excuse ang pwedeng sabihin ng mga taong gumagawa nito.

He suddenly looked at me. He caught me looking at him. Surprisingly, I did not feel scared. You can scare me like that boy.

Ang hindi ko alam ay nakatingin pala sa kanya ang kliyente ko. That's when I felt someone hold my hand so tight. Nanginig siya. Alam ko na takot siya.

"So this is the day where I have to render my judgments on this case." The Judged announced. Hindi ko na siya natitigan ulit because I have to focus to the Judge. Mahirap na at mapagalitan.

"This Court, finds Mr. David Castillo guilty beyond reasonable doubt and to serve life imprisonment and order to pay the victim P200,000 for the damages prayed for. So orderd."

Hindi ko na narinig ang iba pang pinagsasabi ng COC. I only heard one good news today. The accused is guilty!

I looked at the family behind me. Lahat sila nag-iiyakan, nagsisigawan sa sorang tuwa. I looked at the girl beside me. She has been through a lot. For 5 years, ngayon lang siya nabigyan ng hustisya. If not because of Jasmine, hindi niya makukuha ang hustisya na para sa kanya.

I hugged her so tight. "Salamat po." Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na niyang sinabi ang salitang yun. Iyak lang siya ng iyak habang paulit-ulit na pagpapasalamat.

Since I became a lawyer, dalawang beses pa lang akong umiyak sa korte. It felt surreal. It felt like I was floating in the air because of so much happiness.

When you help someone, that's when you feel the genuine happiness.

Hindi na ako nagtagal pa. After I hugged her and her family, umalis na agad ako. I don't think I can still manage to stay for a bit. Siguradong mag-iiyakan lang kami.

I smiled when I remember the scene earlier.

I smiled.

"It's good to see your smiling Ma'am. Good afternoon. Please put your seatbelts on po." The cabin crew interrupted me.

"Sorry." I smiled. Sinuklian lang niya ako ng isang matamis na ngiti.

"It's okay." She then left.

"Cabin crew to take off station." The pilot announced.

Natawa ako. The voice sounds like his. I giggled to my own imagination.

"Welcome to Manila. Thank you for choosing Manila Air as airline of your choice. This is Captain Theodore Martins. Have a nice day."