love&Hate

.Chapter Two.

The smell of the bacon that drifted from down the block into the store left my mouth watering and my eyes roaming over the food that just didn’t seem to be enough. My stomach protested against me from running off without eating first. This pulled a laugh from my best friend, Lennix.  

“Sounds like we need to make a stop at the Copper Pot.” He suggested as picked up a loaf of bread giving it a weird look then looking to me. His nut-brown eyes had my stomach knot and twist making it harder than normal to act normal in front of him. I used to swim in those eyes. Used to be enchanted by his laugh, and that smile that he presented to me now it used to comfort me, but it wasn’t the case anymore. It was as if I never truly loved him, or never truly understood what kind of love I felt for him. Just knowing the realization of it made me stomach tighten.

“Oo~ I haven’t been to Copper Pot in a long time.” Her voice broke me from my thoughts that flashed through my head in a matter of a second. Her usual high-pitched voice is like a violin when calm it plays a beautiful melody anyone could swoon to, but when mad it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Amy, the beautifully feminine woman with small features was something I used to envy. I wanted to be as open as she was and able to catch the eyes of my crush. But many things changed about me since I met Romulus. Many things faded from what I once was. As it made some things easier, it made other things harder. I grinned as I played into the welcome of a break from my thoughts.

“Let me guess,” I started wanting to distract myself, “you’d like a nice juicy chicken all to yourself.”

Her usual sun-kissed cheeks flamed red and I held back the hearty laugh that wanted to come forth. My laugh was harder to control on depth I, even in moments like this, couldn’t slip.

“I was a child! Would you never let that go?” She hissed slapping me with everything she had on my arm. I smiled as Lennix failed at holding back his laugh. Amy once believed if she ate chicken it would make her breasts grow. I teased her relentlessly about it while Lennix tried to convince her she was perfect as is. She has always been like my little sister. No matter how envious I got of her I still loved her. I never got the chance to retort as she proceeded to attack Lennix who tried to defend himself for laughing while he still laughed. Looking to the list seeing one item left I decided to spare Lennix and let him leave.

“You two go ahead to the Copper Pot and get us a good spot. I have one thing left and I’ll be right there.” I spoke up over the two playing, getting Amy to snap her pretty, little blueberry eyes at me.

 “I can stay with you and help you.” Amy offered, not realizing how much such a small thing like that hurt Lennix. My heart didn’t quake with the same pain as his, but I understood it.

“I’ll be fine on my own, Amy. You know how busy Copper Pot can be. Go help Lennix patiently wait for a booth.” I instructed her laying down my that’s final voice. It wasn’t as good as my fathers, but it was well enough for Amy not to argue with me anymore.

“Okay, Leto. If that’s what you want.” Amy’s smile got tight and she turned to walk past Lennix whom followed like a lost puppy. She glanced back once taking me aback. The look she held in her eyes. It seemed different yet familiar. For a moment I tried to recognize what I saw but soon I shook my head and dismissed it. It doesn’t matter. It’s Amy if something is wrong, she would tell me. She always did.

I walked down the aisle and looked upon the multiple options going to the ones that my mother specifically asked for. Tampons. Once a month she asks me to pick some up. Once I month I argue she doesn’t even need them anymore. She always comes up with one excuse or another, but after some time I’ve come to assume she does it for my benefit. She wants it to be normal for me to be able to walk down this aisle. She wants it to be something I could do. My heart clenched as I stared down at the box for a moment wishing my mother’s daughter didn’t have to die in that cave. To this day she tries to cling to that daughter and never let her go, but it can’t be done. Not with the way the world is. Not with the expectations held of me. Tossing the tampons in the cart haphazardly I catch a familiar scent that consumes my senses, my flesh, and my mind. I look over to Romulus watching him stare into the cart at the box I just tossed in there. My throat tightened as his jaw tensed and his beautiful eyes looked to me.

“They’re my mothers.” I explained swiftly. The flutter in my heart sent a shiver of overwhelming need to run through my body. My hand grasped the cart in reaction, but my feet never budged.

“How is your living space?” I asked as he said nothing but stared. The heaviness that his eyes weighed into made me uncomfortable pushing into my alpha instincts making me ready to fight.

“If you’re curious, you should come over.” At his words I swallowed hard to push down the surprise and desire that raked through my body.

“Maybe some other time, I have plans with Lennix.” I purposely omitted Amy and watched as Romulus gripped his cart so tight the hard plastic cracked.

“Alright, Alpha Heir. Have a good lunch.” His growl edged in his words as the name he called me held spite. I stood my ground and held my gaze letting my own growl surface warning the Omega that he is crossing a line. He looked down and quickly moved away proving me to be the more dominant one. I looked down to the box of tampons and felt the tightness in my throat squeeze. It wanted to push out a cry, it wanted to send my tears out, and have me break in public. It was something I couldn’t allow. Not here. Not now. Forcing a smile on my face I went to the self-checkout and quickly made my way to the Copper Pot where my friends waited for me. It wasn’t so easy to ignore the tug on my soul to find Romulus. But I wasn’t Lennix who followed like a sick puppy, nor was I Amy who would glance back, I moved forward leaving my heart and Romulus on the corner of my mind to forever linger over my day.

It wasn’t until I got home to greet my mother in the privacy of her room did I allow myself to slump with the heavy burden of holding back. The sudden plop of bags had my mother’s light brown hair sway as she quickly turned to me. She wasn’t surprised by my arrival, but more surprised I just dropped everything.

“Sweetie what’s wrong?” She asked getting from her computer to come to me. Her gentle hands grasped my cheeks as she looked into my eyes. She searched them as though she was looking for the tears I wanted to cry.

“Mom, you told me once that if I ever needed anything that I can tell you right?” I asked moving to the bed to sit debating with myself if I could even trust her, or if this information would start another fight between father and her.

“Of course, sweetie.” She started looking a little too happy at my distress. I sighed internally and groaned slowly starting to regret coming to her.

“You can’t go to Dad about this. This is strictly…” I shuttered at what Mom would call it and looked to the crow’s feet that formed around her eyes as she grinned so brightly without realizing it. Her age barely showing even an ounce of her true age, “just between us.”

Her smile lessened but she kept her attention intently on me. Taking my hands in hers I allowed the comfort she brought me and relaxed.

“I promise on your brother’s star, I will not tell anyone, Little Latona.” I looked to Mother at the secret nickname she calls me to let me know we are in a safe place. It was a name I loved. A name that I wish I could have others call me instead of Leto.

“You didn’t have to wish on brother’s star, Mom.” I said honestly glad she did. This was a promise she would break, “Shall we visit him tonight?”

The question was more procrastination than anything. I always wanted to visit my brother, but I couldn’t stay there.

“It’s that bad, huh?” she asked leaning on me and putting her arm over my shoulder to bring me into a hug. At this motion I used to cry. I used to cry until I had no tears left. It’s been a long time since I even let her hold me like this. I leaned my head on to her shoulder and a whimper fell from me.

“On the day I was born, the day brother died…” I started feeling the tears return and held my breath as though that would hold them back. I swallowed the clump in my throat letting my voice fall from the deepness I usually grab onto and talk normally with my mother.

“Why did Dad decide to raise me this way? Why didn’t he think to just have another try?” Mother began to pet my hair and I could fell her holding strong for me. My mother sighed leaving me quiet to wait.

“When you and your brother was born it was the happiest day of our life.” She started slow and continued to groom me,

“Down in the cave where the ceremony took place, you were the first to be born. You were such a fighter. You screamed into the night giving us the best sound there could ever be. Later, I realized why you screamed so hard. Your scream became like a banshee call for your father and me. When your brother was being born, it was complicated and hard. I tried with everything I had. I tried until I lost my life.” As she said the last words, I lifted myself up to look into her eyes. I searched her face trying to see the truth for myself. The tears that stained her cheeks, and the redness in her eyes told me what I already knew. She is telling me the truth. She clutched my hand as she continued,

“Your father had a choice to make. Save your brother or save me. He did his best and chose me right away fearing he will soon lose us both. So, Alya did her best and saved me, but the consequences of doing so made me infertile. I can no longer give birth to a child, and your father could never find another. So, that night he made another quick decision to not only save the pack from chaos, but to delay the time to make them all realize that males are not the only ones that can hold the position of power. He does recognize you as a woman, Little Latona. So, you shouldn’t have to deny it from yourself.” She brushes back some hair that fell in my face. I pull back and look to her offended.

“I don’t deny that I am, Mom. I know what I am. What hurts is having to lie to everyone I know and love about who I am – who I perceive myself to be. I was born a girl. I am a woman. But if a pack member asks me then I am nothing. I don’t even state whether I am a boy or not because lying to them like that chokes me up. And now, with all of this on my shoulders, my mate comes right up to greet me.” I say exasperated not realizing what I am telling her until she gasps.

“Your mate?” She questions as I stand up and start pacing.

“It just happened last night. I was there and at first I couldn’t smell him because of all the smog then he disappeared and we couldn’t find him and he appeared before me and he’s questioning me then in the store—” Mother grasped me to stop me from pacing and talking.

“Honey, you’re talking in run-on sentences now. Breathe.” At her command I took a deep breath in and nodded before breathing out.

“It’s going to be okay. In a week, when you are introduced as the new alpha, you can tell them the truth of you being a woman, and you can claim your mate.” Mother’s words comforted me on so many levels I didn’t question the difficulty it would have waiting for that week. I hugged her tight and pulled her close.

“I’m still not going to wear a dress.” I murmured knowing exactly what she was thinking. She pulled away with a deep frown etched into her face.

“But why?! You’re going to come out as a woman!” She practically hissed and I smirked at the normalcy she brought and shook my head.

“I don’t need a dress to be a woman, Mom. I like the suits, and pants.” I tell her watching her glare me down.

“It’s because your father raised you like this.” She stated bluntly.

“It’s because I like what I like. You could have raised me up as a normal girl and I would still like pants more, Mom. You had secret playtime with me putting me in dresses and teaching me everything there is a woman needs to know growing up, but I stopped doing that because you refused to let me wear pants.” I told her watching her eyes roll and her turn her back to me.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She pouted plopping down and finishing up her routine. I shook my head and left the room to let her pout alone. Mother, as much as she loved me, could never grasp the idea of me liking things that weren’t feminine. I don’t hate feminine things. Some of it I actually enjoy. I just never found enjoyment in high heels that pinch, make up that made my face feel oily, and the color pink that everyone wants to shove down a girl’s throat.

At this thought, Amy came to mind in all her feminine glory as if my mind wanted to punish me for even daring to think of those things in a negative light. It wasn’t like that. Those things aren’t bad. They’re just not… me…

“Leto. We need to talk.” His voice cut through any and every emotional dismay I had and quickly my stature became more formal than before. I looked directly in my father’s eyes holding my worry in that he discovered everything I told Mother already.