RANDOM THOUGHTS

Stranger to Stranger with Memories

            The idea of getting to know new people can sometimes be scary, as we don't know what or how it could affect us. But getting to know new people could also bring us new energy and lessons. Meeting new people could somehow bring out either the best in us or the worst in us. And meeting new people also means, learning new perspective, adventure and wisdom. 

              Actually, I find it amusing as to how strangers suddenly became part of us. It is quite magical as to how those people we barely know, just then became part our everyday life. I mean, don't you find it amazingly weird how time and fate playfully works? How did this people became part of my life? When and how did this bond suddenly tightened, but also breaks in a blink of an eye?

            I once met this stranger. His name, age and status is unknown to me. His appearance is the only thing known to me as we always pass each other by in this specific hallway. As time also pass by, smile starts to form as we acknowledge each other's familiarity as strangers. With the manipulation of  time, that smile leads us to introduce each others name, and eventually, unconsciously, I just found myself sitting across to him eating our lunch together. Talking, laughing while drinking our favorite brewed coffee during breaks also came to happen out of nowhere. Planning holidays and vacations then became part of our conversation. We even spend some good times with our weekends. 

            In the beginning, being friends was never part of our intention. It was only the work of time and fate that brought us together. And meeting and knowing him was a great and a happy incident. Days become more cheerful. But as time again pass by, fate took his job playfully. With all the time spent together, unintentionally, the affection towards a friend grows. 

           Who would have thought, that the stranger I just once pass by, became a friend whom I talk and go out almost everyday. And it doesn't just stop there. I suddenly felt the need of wanting more. I suddenly felt this feeling I haven't felt before. This feeling I never wanted to feel. The kind of feeling I wish I never get the chance to realize. I started to want more of his attention. I became greedy of always wanting his time. I don't even want to see him with someone else. For the first time in my life, I have never felt something so good and frustrating at the same time. Being cared by him feels so entrancing, and I suddenly crave for it everyday. 

           But then, I know, it is a feeling I shouldn't feel. I am no ignorant not to know what kind of feelings I suddenly begin to feel. I should not let my self be played with fate. This feelings surely is just a product of being there for each other all those times. I mean, how can a stranger became so important of my life? Is it even possible to feel this kind of feelings to a person who was once just a stranger? No, I might have been mistaken. This growing feelings inside me should not prosper.

            I don't know why I am scared of the sudden change of affection I felt towards him. Maybe because this feeling is new to me. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if what I feel is right or wrong. I tried to keep it to myself. I did whatever I needed to do just to stop what I have felt. I want it to stop but it only grows bigger to the point that I could not think straight anymore. Just then I realized, in order to empty my feelings, I should let it all out. His response towards it, is the only thing that can determine what feelings I would then fill to the emptied basin. But again, time and fate is so playful.

            Just when I have decided to tell everything to him, he introduced to me the stranger he grew affection of. The stranger who eventually became the very important being to him. He's cheerful with me, but I have never seen him with a glowing eyes and a very genuine smile as he introduce her to me, and it shattered me into pieces. Yes, those eyes only glows to her, it sparkles. I feel so disgusted with myself when I cannot bring myself to be happy for a friend who is genuinely happy. But I feel more disgusted with myself as I fake a smile and greeted them saying they look good together.

            Again, the time took its job. It passes by just like it always does, and the cheerful day seems to fade, to me. I ate lunch with the ghost of longingness across my table. I drink my favorite brewed coffee with the fading echo of laughter during breaks. I spent weekend in my room, and holidays and vacations seems like an exciting days no more. I barely talk to him, but always see him, in his social media with the stranger who is now very special to him. 

            He now ate his lunch with her. He no longer drink his favorite brewed coffee but her favorite iced lemonade during breaks. He now spends his every days including weekends with her. He now plans his holidays and vacations with her. He now do all the things we did before, and more. And I have never seen him with those kind of happiness before. 

            I can't help myself but to be enraged with time and fate. How can fate be so cruel. I was happy before meeting him. I was content and doesn't ask for more. But fate insist its idea of letting me meet him. Fate took its superiority and lead me to him. I blame the fate. I am mad and confused. Why they wasted my time of meeting someone whom I cannot be with? Why did fate allow my time to be spent with him? Why did the time and fate collaborated in leading me to such grand outcome. It doesn't make any good to me. It was only wasted. 

            And time again did its job. It passes by, quickly as it can be. It passes like it doesn't do any harm to me. It passes fast as it can, but the pain stays. It stays in me thinking it is its home. And as it stays, it grows. And as it grows, it branches. It is not only pain that lives in me, it branches sadness, longingness and a little bit of madness that comes with a lot of unanswered questions.

            But then again, time just continue to pass by. And as time passes by, with the pain, sadness and longingness I felt, realizations slowly come into place, to help me heal. With the time moving, I realized some things. That some people who come to our lives are not meant to stay forever. They happen to cross paths with us with a reason. And I happen to look back, before I met him. I was indeed happy and content, but I have become happier since I met him. Back to the time when we pass each other by in the hallway, from what I see it now is that it teaches me that in life, there is something that we look forward to unconsciously. And when it arrived, we felt this unexplainable kind of little happiness. It teaches me to appreciate every little things. That no matter how big or small a thing is, as long as it makes us happy, it is happiness. And then we get to know each other. Along those times, I realized that we don't only ate lunch together, drink coffee, talk and laugh together. We also shared wisdoms, sorrows and adventures to each other. Looking back, I realized, all those times spent together, he introduces me into a new perspective. 

            All those times spent together teaches me the value of time. Time is always moving. Time will never wait for you, but it is and will always be on time. It is never late nor advance. I focused too much of the pain I have felt, and tend to forget of all the happiness I have felt before pain overtake. I then tried to took the trails where pain was not there yet. And with every step I take going back, it somehow comforts me. I have realized that he was always true to me. He was always sincere and genuine with all the things he do for me. He was pure with his intention of being friends with me. It was just me who felt more, and he has nothing to do with it. It is never his fault. And I also realized that what I have felt is not wrong, it is not even right. It is just how it all turns out. Maybe fate let me meet him for me to realized that I am capable of making new friends. That I am capable of loving someone. To tell me that I can feel things I never thought I can feel. I was comforted as I took the lane of the past. And through it, I am slowly healing.

            And again, time did its job. It passes, but now, I don't feel like its moving fast. It passes with me patiently. Now fate bring me to walk in this hallway, no longer longing the ghost of the past. I walk in the hallway taking all my time. And there walking towards my direction is the face of familiarity. Each step I take, leads me to the past. We then pass each other by, acknowledging each other with a smile just like strangers, but this time, as strangers with a lot of memories, for me.