Frederick Marryat – The Complete Collection

Chapter 65

The teetotalers have carried their tenets to a length which threatens to invade the rites of the church, for a portion of them, calling themselves the Total Abstinence Society, will not use any wine which has alcohol in it, in taking the sacrament, and as there is no wine without a portion of alcohol; they have invented a harmless mixture which they call wine. Unfortunately, many of these Temperance Societies in their zeal, will admit of no medium party--you must either abstain altogether, or be put down as a toper.

It is astonishing how obstinate some people are, and how great is the diversity of opinion. I have heard many anecdotes relative to this question. A man who indulged freely was recommended to join the society. "Now," said the minister, "you must allow that there is nothing so good, so valuable to man as water. What is the first thing you call for in sickness but water? What else can cool your parched tongue like water? What did the rich man ask for when in fiery torments? What does the wretch ask for when on the rack? You cannot always drink spirits, but water you can. Water costs nothing; and you save your money. Water never intoxicates, or prevents you from going to your work. There is nothing like water. Come now, Peter, let me hear your opinion."

"Well, then, sir, I think water is very good, very excellent indeed--for navigation."

An old Dutchman, who kept an inn at Hoboken, had long resisted the attacks of the Temperance Societies, until one night he happened to get so very drunk, that he actually signed the paper and took the oath. The next morning he was made acquainted with what he had unconsciously done, and, much to the surprise of his friends, he replied, "Well, if I have signed and have sworn, as you tell me I have, I must keep to my word;" and from that hour the old fellow abstained altogether from his favourite schnapps. But the leaving off a habit which had become necessary had the usual result. The old man took to his bed, and at last became seriously ill. A medical man was called in, and when he was informed of what had occurred, perceived the necessity of some stimulus, and ordered that his patient should take one ounce of French brandy every day.

"An ounce of French brandy," said the old Dutchman, looking at the prescription. "Well, dat is goot; but how much is an ounce?" Nobody who was present could inform him. "I know what a quart, a pint, or a gill of brandy is," said the Dutchman, "but I never yet have had a customer call for an ounce. Well, my son, go to the schoolmaster; he is a learned man, and tell him I wish to know how much is one ounce."

The message was carried. The schoolmaster, occupied with his pupils, and not liking the interruption, hastily, and without further inquiries of the messenger, turned over his Bonnycastle, and arriving at the table of avoirdupois weight, replied, "Tell your father that sixteen drams make an ounce ."

The boy took back the message correctly, and when the old Dutchman heard it, his countenance brightened up. "A goot physician, a clever man--I only have drank twelve drams a-day, and he tells me to take sixteen. I have taken one oath when I was drunk, and I keep it; now dat I am sober I take anoder, which is, I will be very sick for de remainder of my days, and never throw my physic out of window."

There was a cold water celebration at Boston, on which occasion the hilarity of the evening was increased by the singing of the following ode. Nobody will venture to assert that there is any spirit in the composition, and, judging from what I have seen of American manners and customs, I am afraid that the sentiments of the last four lines will not be responded to throughout the Union.

Ode.

In Eden's green retreats A water-brook that played Between soft, and mossy seats Beneath a plane-tree's shade, Whose rustling leaves Danced o'er its brink, Was Adam's drink, And also Eve's.

Beside the parent spring Of that young brook, the pair Their morning chaunt would sing; And Eve, to dress her hair, Kneel on the grass That fringed its side, And made its tide Her looking-glass.

And when the man of God From Egypt led his flock, They thirsted, and his rod Smote the Arabian rock, And forth a rill Of water gushed, And on they rushed, And drank their fill.

Would Eden thus have smil'd Had wine to Eden come? Would Horeb's parching wild Have been refreshed with rum And had Eve's hair Been dressed in gin Would she have been Reflected fair?

Had Moses built a still And dealt out to that host, To every man his gill, And pledged him in a toast, How large a band Of Israel's sons Had laid their bones In Canaan's land?

Sweet fields, beyond Death's flood, Stand dressed in living green, For, from the throne of God, To freshen all the scene, A river rolls, Where all who will May come and fill Their crystal bowls.

If Eden's strength and bloom Cold water thus hath given-- If e'en beyond the tomb, It is the drink of heaven-- Are not good wells , And crystal springs , The very things For our hotels?

As I shall return to the subject of intemperance in my examination of society, I shall conclude this chapter with an extract from Miss Martineau, whose work is a strange compound of the false and the true:--"My own convictions are, that associations, excellent as they are for mechanical objects, are not fit instruments for the achievement of moral aims; that there has been no proof that the principle of self-restraint has been exalted and strengthened in the United States by the Temperance movement while the already too great regard to opinion , and subservience to spiritual encroachment, have been much increased; and, therefore, great as may be the visible benefits of the institution, it may at length appear that they have been dearly purchased."

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Note 1. Not long afterwards a prominent Presbyterian clergyman of Philadelphia thought fit to preach and publish a sermon, wherein it was set forth and conclusively proved, that on such and such contingencies of united religious effort of the religious public, the majority of the American people could be made religious ; consequently they might carry their religious influence to the polls ; consequently the religious would be able to turn all the profane out of office ; and consequently, the American people would become a Christian nation!--Voice from America by an American Gentleman .

VOLUME THREE, CHAPTER FORTY FIVE.

REMARKS--LAW.

The lawyers are the real aristocracy of America; they comprehend nearly the whole of the gentility, talent, and liberal information of the Union. Any one who has had the pleasure of being at one of their meetings, such as the Rent Club at New York, would be satisfied that there is no want of gentlemen with enlightened, liberal ideas in the United States; but it is to the law, the navy, and the army, that you must chiefly look for this class of people. Such must ever be the case in a democracy, where the mass are to be led; the knowledge of the laws of the country, and the habit of public speaking being essential to those who would reside at the helm or assist in the evolutions: the consequence has been, that in every era of the Union, the lawyers have always been the most prominent actors; and it may be added that they ever will play the most distinguished parts. Clay and Webster of the present day are, and all the leading men of the former generation were, lawyers. Their presidents have almost all been lawyers, and any deviation from this custom has been attended with evil results; witness the elevation of General Jackson to the presidency, and the heavy price which the Americans have paid for their phantom glory. The names of Judge Marshall and of Chancellor Kent are well known in this country, and most deservedly so: indeed, I am informed it has latterly been the custom in our own law courts, to cite as cases the decisions of many of the superior American judges--a just tribute to their discrimination and their worth.

The general arrangement of that part of the American constitution relating to the judicature is extremely good, perhaps the best of all their legislative arrangements, yet it contains some great errors; one of which is, that of district and inferior judges being elected , as it leaves the judge at the mercy of an excitable and overbearing people, who will attempt to dictate to him as they do to their spiritual teacher. Occasionally he must choose whether he will decide as they wish, or lose his situation on the ensuing election. Justice as well as religion will be interfered with by the despotism of the democracy.

The Americans are fond of law in one respect, that is, they are fond of going to law. It is excitement to them, and not so expensive as in this country. It is a pleasure which they can afford, and for which they cheerfully pay.

But, on the other hand, the very first object of the Americans, after a law has been passed, is to find out how they can evade it; this exercises their ingenuity, and it is very amusing to observe how cleverly they sometimes manage it. Every state enactment to uphold the morals, or for the better regulation of society, is immediately opposed by the sovereign people.

An act was passed to prohibit the playing of nine pins , (a very foolish act, as the Americans have so few amusements): as soon as the law was put in force, it was notified every where, " Ten pins played here," and they have been played every where, ever since.

Another act was passed to put down billiard tables, and in this instance every precaution was taken by an accurate description of the billiard table, that the law might be enforced. Whereupon an extra pocket was added to the billiard table, and thus the law was evaded.

When I was at Louisville, a bill which had been brought in by congress, to prevent the numerous accidents which occurred in steam navigation, came into force. Inspectors were appointed to see that the steam-boats complied with the regulations; and those boats which were not provided according to law, did not receive the certificate from the inspectors, and were liable to a fine of five hundred dollars if they navigated without it. A steam-boat was ready to start; the passengers clubbed together and subscribed half the sum, (two hundred and fifty dollars), and, as the informer was to have half the penalty, the captain of the boat went and informed against himself and received the other half; and thus was the fine paid.

At Baltimore, in consequence of the prevalence of hydrophobia, the civic authorities passed a law, that all dogs should be muzzled, or, rather, the terms were, "that all dogs should wear a muzzle," or the owner of a dog not wearing a muzzle, should be brought up and fined; and the regulation farther stated that anybody convicted of having, "removed the muzzle from off a dog should also be severely fined." A man, therefore, tied a muzzle to his dog's tail (the act not stating where the muzzle was to be placed). One of the city officers, perceiving this dog with his muzzle at the wrong end, took possession of the dog and brought it to the town-hall; its master being well known, was summoned, and appeared. He proved that he had complied with the act, in having fixed a muzzle on the dog; and, farther, the city officer having taken the muzzle off the dog's tail, he insisted that he should be fined five dollars for so doing.