Before I Sleep

Chapter 17 My Recordings

My dad placed the first recording for me and this one was meant for her first birthday.

"Happy birthday to my precious baby Reign. This is mommy, I love you. Enjoy your own tiny princess cake. Love you my Reign."

Then I stopped it. And began to cry. My dad asking if I want to continue, I nodd and say yes. Now the one he will transcript. "My precious Reign,this is mommy. I cant tell you how much you mean to me. I hope your not being too curios and getting into all of grandpa's things. Hahah (coughing) when you miss me my precious baby just close your eyes and you will feel my hugs and love. If any time your having a good day know that I am happy and smiling with you. When your days are blue, know that I will send you a butterfly to make u smile. I wish I can cuddle with you and rock you to sleep. Or sing you cute lullabies so you can drift off to sleep. I love you my Reign." I had to turn it off it was too hard not to hate myself. Hard not to just hit something. I calmed down and turned the recorder again, and began again. "Hello my Reign, its mommy. Let me tell u a story about Green eggs and ham. And make sure when grandpa reads this one in particular to make the voices." I recorded myself making my voice into funny voices and afterwards said bye. We did this every day until about a month later I was ok enough to hold her. I grew weaker and she grew stronger. Still not knowing of she was cleared of the HIV virus, she still had to be on medication as well. It helped that she was on formula. I had put on long socks on the my hand that they went up to my elbows then wrapped them in gause and put on a long sleeve shirt. So that way I would contaminate my baby. Shes so precious. I held her with the help of my dad. She wasn't that tiny. She weighed about 9lbs. She's a little chimichanga. Hahah. Too scared to kiss her I just rubbed the side of her check. Not being able to control my cries I had my dad ro take her back to her room. I cant hold her the way I want with out feeling like I would infect her some how. The next few days went by slowly. I made about 10 recordings in the last 2 days. My tongue was fully white from all the sores on my mouth. I've been losing more weight. Even with my feeding tube, I'm still vomiting or having diarrhea. It's been hard to.even bathe myself. The last time I bathed in the tub I couldn't stand the pain. It irritated my blisters more. I originally was 120lbs. Im now down to 100lbs. I look so sickly like something is wrong with me. I have about 6 months left, but something in my gut told me I didn't. I called my uncle to my room. He was taking time off so he moved in for the time being. Once he came in I asked him about Jason. If he knew anything. Then he filled me in on everything

And how he knew and did this on purpose. And to my surprise his mother sent a letter to Bobby's house for me. This is what it said. (Stephen read)

Dear Emily,

I know what I did to you was horrible. And I'm sorry. I wish that I never did that to you. I dint know if anyone has told you but the other two girls I had s*x with after you, they were frommthe concert and didn't care that I didn't have any condoms. So they knew the risk and it was consensual. I didn't plan on what I did to you. I was actually wanting your friend, at first but seeing how easily she was throwing herself on every guy that said hi to her. Disgusted me. You on the other hand, you wanted to be respected and treated good. I could've been that guy for you. But I had just got my results back saying I was positive for Aids not HIV. I was so angry at the world just everyone. I always used protection and the one time I trusted this girl I got infected. That was me being stupid. I have been wanting to reach out to you. But I dont know how you would accept that. I actually wanted to be more than a guy who flirted with you. If my fate was different you would of been the girl I would've fell in love with. Please forgive me. If your reading this its because im no longer here. I hope and pray that your fate isn't the same as mine. But if it is I truly apologize. Maybe in our next life we can meet under better circumstances. Please forgive me, Emily your the girl I would want to hold and share my heart with. So sorry sweetheart that I might have ruined your life because I'm an i***t.

Until I can meet u again.

Bye always, Jason (the asshole)

Wow I actually had tears big crocodile ones rolling down my face. I couldn't believe he wrote me this kind of letter. In a weird way I had already forgave him. Even though he had sentenced me to this hell he gave me the biggest most precious thing I could ever need. And thats my Reign.