Before I Sleep

Chapter 12 Journaling For My Baby

So today I felt a bit better. I had to get a feeding tube placed in my nose to feed my baby and myself. I couldn't do it myself, since I have blisters on my tongue and down my throat. My lymph nodes were really swollen. I cant even swallow my own spit at times. Times I have to use rags to soak up my spit, I mean its not roses and butterflies trying to be able to deal with this. So this is has been part of my daily life experience. My baby has been meeting the drs expectations. Dr Rodriguez says my progress on my weight has became steady since I got my feeding tube. Before it I was losing weight too fast and there was a huge chance my baby would've not made it another day. So I told him please do what ever he needs to do to keep my baby alive. This was his recommendation. I wanted to leave something behind so my child can hear my thoughts and advice. Even at times if he or she doesn't think I'm right. So today I had Dr. Rodriguez come over and take out my tube so I can take some pictures so I can add it to my journal. Showing how I was excited to feel the movements and kicks. My dad was my photographer. For a while I felt normal. I didn't feel like the "dying girl", I felt more like my old me. Just Emily. After my 10 minute photo shoot I got my tube back in. So here I am sitting in the living room holding my new journal, thinking of how I would start it off. Here goes nothing.

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My dearest baby, you might not remember my voice, face but I made you this journal so you can always have be with you through all your small and big milestones in life. I want to encourage you when you say your first word, when you start wanting to crawl and walk. I won't be there in person but know that I will be in your heart ♥. You may not understand why I cant be there with you everyday. But just don't be too angry with me, I promise with all the stars in heaven I wish I could be there with you. Not once do I regret carrying you in my belly. When your old enough grandpa Eric will read you my story. But until then I want you to always live your life like its your last. Don't be mean to others. Show kindness and love towards others, but if anyone makes u cry tell grandpa and he will handle it. Lol ? there's so much I want to say but so little time to do it all in. I will try my best to tell you everything I want to tell you. Ok let's begin.

When u say your first word know that I would've been super excited to finally hear the one word your little mind concentrated on to say. Knowing grandpa E hes probably will make a huge deal. Like taking pictures and even video recording it. And showing everyone like a proud grandpa would. Don't give him too much of a hard time my little one. Just know mommy caused some white hairs the rest was uncle Kenny. Hes the real trouble maker. Hahaha just kidding. Hopefully grandpa, uncle Kenny are reading you mother goose stories and other fairytales of the list I left him to read. I told him he has to do the voices like I would've done. Especially in Goldilocks and the 3 bears. He said he promises to do so. Ok my sweet pea angel I need to go. I have to go and feed you. Don't worry I'll be writing some more to you.

Love mommy Emily.