Devil's Lawyer

Ita is the name of a martyr.

The curtain was left open the night before, so when I open my eyes, the light falls on my eyes like acid and a white glow displaces any other image momentarily until finally, I can see the objects in my room. I have lost track of reality: I wonder what day it is and how long I was asleep. I try to find my cell phone, to get back on track, but I can’t find it. “I might have lost it”, I think. 

Drop by drop, I begin to regain consciousness, and then I remember everything with lucid clarity. I see myself strangling my lover, swimming naked with Ita, the police interrogation, and the bar. I also have sensitivity in my body again, but this is not good. My limbs ache, I guess it's because I stayed in one position too long while I was in bed. My lips are broken and when I look in the mirror, I find they have red dots. But the worst is the feeling in my head: stitches like someone sticking pins in me. Every time I take a step, I gasp for air, I think I'm going to pass out. I ask myself if I am suddenly ill, but I soon realize that I have not eaten in two days and that is why my body is weak.

I managed to reach the kitchen on the first floor, after a maratonic effort. But I am not hungry, I am thirsty. I pour a glass of water and when I'm done drinking, I feel like my stomach has woken up: it begins to roar, it moves and makes sounds. There is a throbbing sensation in my stomach, a pain that makes me lean forward. I remember that this is how gastritis feels because I had it when I was a teenager. 

The reality is overwhelming, so I want to let it go again: it is driving me crazy. So, I pour myself another glass of vodka, which burns everything inside me, but it is worth feeling that pain if I can fade away again. I light a cigarette and sit on the floor. I pray that everything ends soon, right now. I want the noise of the world to shut down. I want to stop making my bed in the morning. No more making my bed. No more shopping groceries. No more greetings and smiley faces. No more bills. No more trials. No more back and headache. No more world. 

Someone walks into the house and I hear steps echoing all across the place. Ita finds me after about five minutes of touring the house. I don't know if I'm falling asleep or dying, but the world seems to be made of shadows. She stands in front of me and starts screaming things I don't understand. The girl spills water on my face. 

 – Talk to me! Please answer – she says with tears spilling from her eyes –. 

 – I'm not dead – I say, but I can’t understand why I said that –.   

She helps me to sit on a sofa and goes to the kitchen. After a while, she comes back to me with a bowl of soup and feeds me. She keeps talking to me, but I don't answer her, I can't, it's difficult for me to control my body right now. She gets her phone out of her purse and concentrates for a while on her cell phone, I can see that she is ordering online from a supermarket. 

 – Ita, I'm in pain, I have gastritis, please order some medicine – I say in a low voice –. 

After two hours, the order arrives and she disappears into the kitchen to prepare more food. I think she has had a lot of experience taking care of sick people. She stays by my side until nightfall, helping me eat and bringing me medicine, healthy shakes, and water all the time. Soon I begin to feel that it is no longer heavy for me to breathe.

 –  I need to tell you something, please don't interrupt me until I'm done – I say out of the blue –. I am a bad person, I know. I always knew it. From a very young age, I understood that there was something monstrous in my nature: I always hurt other people for fun or to get money and power. I hurted you too and I regret it.  The thing is, I never cared about being a bad person until I met you. You have inspired me. I love you and I would like to be like you and be able to be your friend, but I don't think that is possible. I feel disgusted for myself, because no matter how hard I try, I know I cannot change who I am, and even If I could, the past cannot be rewritten and will always haunt me. The only thing that is left for me is pain and death. 

She starts crying when I finish my little speech. And she promises that she will help me get through the pain and the darkness that grows in my soul. She speaks about forgiveness, love, and God. She begins to tell stories of people she met when she was an orphan girl living in a convent. Stories of prostitutes who stopped living on the streets, addicts who detoxify, and criminals who rehabilitated themselves. But if she had lived the years that I have lived; witnessed the things that I have; and known evil intimately, as I have, she would not be telling me this.

 – Ita, dear. I ask for your forgiveness, that would bring me peace – I say –. 

She takes me in her arms and continues crying. She tells me that "repentance is the first step to redemption". But I haven’t finished talking. 

 – There is one last thing I need to say – I speak, again –. When I die, I want you to be the heir of my lawyer’s firm, because I know I won’t have children and either have a family. Plus, I can’t fight anymore, my time is over. 

But she ignores what I just said and asks me not to waste the little energy I have. She starts talking about random issues but I am not paying attention. I am deep in my thoughts. Even though she wants to cheer me up and promise me that everything can get better, I feel deep in my chest that the end is near. However, I must make one last effort: make sure that she is not implicated in the death of my late lover. It would be totally unfair for her to go to prison for that.

I ask her to turn on the TV and put on the news channel, I want to know if the fire incident is mentioned. After almost an hour, a reporter appears talking about the death of a prestigious lawyer. They are talking about him. They say that the police believe that his assistant started the fire to kill him.

 – Did you know about this? – I ask her –. 

 – No, I didn’t, what am I going to do now? – she says as she starts panicking –. 

 – Don’t worry, I have a contact at the DA’s he will give us more information – I say and take her in my arms –. 

My contact tells me that the death that occurred in the fire is not being treated as an accident, but rather as a homicide. Although, he thinks it is all due to the caprice of the police officer because they don’t have a single piece of evidence. This information brings us some peace and we go to bed, tomorrow we will be going to the police station to handle the situation. 

The next day, it is still very early when I hear footsteps downstairs. They are strong footsteps, as of a burly man. I know something is wrong: we are in danger. I call the police, I take my knife and lock the bedroom door. I wake up Ita and tell her that someone has broken into the house and I beg her to remain calm.  But someone starts banging on the door and before I can think of anything, they knock it down and a man dressed all in black enters the room. He doesn't even look at me and without hesitation, he heads towards Ita. And at that moment, my automatic reaction is to run towards her too, but he pushes me and throws me against the wall. He pulls out a weapon and I see it all in slow motion: aim at her chest and shoot three times. Then he turns and points his gun at me, but he doesn't shoot, instead, he tells me that "this is revenge because she is a murderer".  He leaves the room as if nothing had happened. 

I crawl up to his body lying on the floor, grab a nearby shirt, and try to stop the blood. I tell her that an ambulance is coming. My eyes cloud with tears and I can't see clearly. I tell her to stay awake, that I love her, and that she can’t leave me alone. “Please, please, please”, I repeat. But her body is losing the battle.  His breathing is becoming imperceptible and then I notice that his gaze is lost on the horizon: her eyes are like a deep black hole. She is gone. She is a crucified martyr, just like Jesus Christ. 

I know my late lover's family sent this guy to get revenge because everyone thinks Ita killed him. But it was me. Throughout my life, I wove a trap and then I threw myself into it. I believed that my actions assured me of happiness and fame, but the opposite happened. I can't bear the guilt for Ita's death, I can't live with this. A sudden peace takes over my body because I know that soon I will purge my sins and the pain will come to an end. I go to the kitchen, open a drawer, and grab a knife. I put it on my neck, but I think "no, not like this". So I reach for the bottle of vodka and open the cabinet where all the pills are. I take all the vials in the cabinet and finish my bottle of vodka lying on my sofa. As I fall into an abyss, where there is nothing else but me, I hear in the distance the sirens of the police.