Tainted: Listening to the Silence

SEVEN

Oliver

I heard the clang of dishes coming from the kitchen when I walked into the house. I went there to ask her about what happened. But I noticed she was meticulously cleaning every surface in the kitchen. She always did that when she was worried about something. She looked up from where she was cleaning and squealed in fright. Someone was pretty wound up.

“Ollie! God. Don’t scare me like that! What are you doing standing there?” She said, pressing a hand to her heart and taking deep breathes. I noticed right then that her hands were shaking. I went over to her and grabbed her hands. She looked taken aback when she saw them shaking. But then she pushed me away and tried to make little of it.

“Oh. Don’t mind that, it’s just that you gave me quite a fright,” she said, laughing a little nervously.

So she was going to play me for stupid. I sighed and grabbed her hands again. This time I dragged her over to the couch. She looked a little confused at first but she sat either way. I sat across from her and just looked at her. She’d break eventually. She tried to get up but I sat her down again. Then she tried to avert her gaze but she always ended up meeting my inquisitive stare. In the end she did break.

“Oh, Ollie. Don’t make me tell you. I’m so sorry, I know you want to know and I could tell you, but it’s not my story to tell. Sal should be the one to tell you about what happened. It was a few years ago, and Mina and Ashley were so scared. And Jerry and I were pretty scared too. But we didn’t quite understand. And now it all makes so much sense. But that was a shock. I never thought… I never… God.” Mom’s hands started shaking even worse. She began to sob and I didn’t know what to do.

“Ally? Did Sal leave already?” I heard dad yell as he came into the living room. He was probably expecting her to be in the kitchen or upstairs in the room.

When he saw her on the living room and the state she was in, he came over. He pulled her to his chest hugging her and telling her to calm down. Finally, my mom seemed to calm down a little and she pulled back to explain.

“He’s mute Jerry. Salvador is mute. All this years and we never knew. We’ve had them all over so many times, but still we never knew. Do you remember Jerry? Back then when… when… that happened, he was mute Jerry, and they still…” My mom tried to explain but her voice kept breaking. By the end she started sobbing again. I didn’t understand what was going on here. What were they talking about? What had happened? And what did Salvador’s muteness have to do with anything?

Dad seemed a little shocked. At least he understood what my mom was talking about. I was going to ask him, but then he looked like he wanted to cry too. He hugged my mom tight as she cried, telling her to breathe to calm down. When the sobs stopped raking her body, he told me to wait. He got up and helped her up the stairs. He was probably going to get her to lie down. When he came back he still looked like he wanted to cry. But now it was mixed with anger. I thought he looked frustrated, impotent. Like he wanted to do something but couldn’t. He sat down with me.

“This town is really messed up Ollie. Charlie, that’s Brent’s dad, owns all the buildings here. The ones that’s not much of a problem for the people that are paying mortgage or own their houses. The problem is the ones that live or work under a lease. The one’s paying rent are subjected to Charlie’s manipulative games. If you’re not in his good graces then he rises the rent until it’s unpayable and you have to go bankrupt or leave. But on top of that, he’s very influential around here and he can threaten and blackmail with the best of them. And the worst of it all is that nobody does anything, they just sit there and watch him abuse them and everyone else. And now it turns out that Sal is mute. God, he’s mute, I still can’t believe that. I can’t believe what happened. I can’t believe he didn’t say anything before. It would’ve made all the difference in the world.” Dad looked like he was growing angrier per second and my chest got tight.

“Has he told you anything about his childhood?” My dad asked, finally looking at me. And I felt myself shrink away from him. His eyes were so angry. My heart begun to beat in my chest. Calm down Oliver. Breathe, you’re alright.

I shook my head slowly. I felt like any sudden movements would make him explode. He looked so close already. I didn’t want to be the reason. Not this time. Not ever again.

“This isn’t my story to tell Ollie, you should probably ask Sal yourself. I’ll just tell you that when Sal was a kid the other kids were really mean to him. They bullied him a lot and constantly played pranks on him. One time they locked him in his locker. This was back in freshmen year. So, they locked him in and he stayed there for thirty-six hours. The janitor heard him banging on his locker door, and that was the only reason they found him so quickly. His lips were chapped and his hands were bloody from hitting the metal locker door. When the school found out, they told us that they’d talk to the families of the kids.

“But it seemed awfully suspicious that Sal hadn’t screamed for help if he hadn’t been gagged. The families kept asking why he hadn’t yelled but there was no answer. And they used that to their advantage. In the end, they claimed that it was a joke gone wrong. That Sal had been part of it or something stupid like that. I have no doubt that Charlie was involved, that he was the reason matters were resolved so quickly and so unfairly. It was our word against his, but he had money and corruption on his side so hi won in the end.

“And now I find out that he’s mute. Just imagine Oliver, for a single second, what could’ve happened if the janitor hadn’t heard the clang of the locker door,” Dad said running his hands through his hair. He looked frantic and angry. Dad grabbed a glass of water that had been sitting on the coffee table. He stared at it instead of taking a drink. His hands were shaking as well.

I was just overwhelmed. I understood what he was trying to tell me. Sal had nearly died. And still I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Should I be angry because Sal hasn’t told me yet? Should I be angry at this town and at Charlie? Should I be angry because Sal was still bullied in the present day? Should I be angry because Sal had nearly died and they still ignored the fact that he was bullied?

“Why hasn’t he said something, told someone? Maybe if he did something would change in this motherfucking town!” Suddenly the glass that had been in his hand flew and shattered against the wall to my right. My heart nearly stopped. Dad looked angry. His eyes were so cold with uncontrolled rage. I cringed and began to shiver. Calm down Oliver, please. I couldn’t. Memories were flooding my mind. I shrank further into the sofa. I needed to get away. I had to run.

“Look at what I’ve done. God. I’ll go…” My dad started to say but he trailed off when he saw me shaking like a leaf in the couch. His angry eye directed at me. Don’t hit me. Please. God, please. Don’t hit me.

He has never hit you before, I tried to argue. There was no reason to be so scared of him. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me. But someone did hurt you before. It’s true. I had been that glass before, grabbed and flung into the wall. I had been someone else’s way to release anger. I flinched at the unwanted memories. No, don’t think about that.

“Ollie. God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. Are you alright?” Dad said taking a few steps towards me.

He’s going to hit you. Run now before he can. And I did. There was no logic behind it. The image of him getting closer to me reminded me too much of someone else. I just couldn’t stay there. Somewhere in my brain a voice was telling me to stop running. To think. But at the same time there was another voice screaming at me to run. It felt like I blacked out, the world becoming blurry. When my eyes focused again I was outside. Where was I? I was outside a house. As I looked at it I recognized it. Sal’s. I was outside of Sal’s house. How did I get here? What was I doing here? What had I been thinking?

I heard a voice frantically calling my name. My heart was beating too hard. I thought it might bruise my chest. What had I done? Why had I run away like that? I heard his voice get closer and closer. The same reasonable voice in my mind told me to talk to Mr. Andel. But another one whispered poisoned words. He’s probably angry. So angry. Don’t let him catch you. You know what happens when you make him angry. Mr. Andel’s voice seemed to be coming from right beside me. He did sound upset. Angry. He was angry. He’s going to hit you. Hide Oliver. Hide before he catches you. I could hear and feel my racing pulse in my head. My ears were ringing. The world became blurry again. When it focused again, I was hiding behind Sal’s house and had my phone in hand. I stared at it for a second. And then I understood, I was calling Sal.

I hung up quickly, feeling confused. Why had I been calling Sal? You need him to wake up and open the door for you. No, I need to go back. I need to go back to my house. They’ll be so worried. They’ll be so angry. That’s natural, they’re my parents. I ran away. Is it natural to beat your son? Well. I faltered. No, it’s not. But they won’t hit me. They wouldn’t ever hurt me. You thought the same thing back then. But this is different. This is different. The Andels are not them. Are you sure? Are you sure they won’t beat you like he did before? My heart tried to bruise my chest again. I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

The back door opened, startling me. Sal stood there. He was obviously still sleepy with small shorts and a tank top as the only cover for his body.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I didn’t know how he knew I was here. You texted him. Then called him to wake him up. He saw the message and came. Did I? And as I thought about it the blurry memories played through my head. But I was watching from afar. My body moved of its own accord. My brain engaged and thought all on its own. I hadn’t been in control of my body right then. Was this what they called survival instinct? Focus Oliver. Sal is waiting for an answer. Sal looked groggy, yawning and stretching. The tank top rode up and showed a strip of abdomen and happy trail leading down to… Oh God. I remembered the incident from this morning and blushed. I really needed to get a hold of myself. Oliver. Focus. You need to hide before he comes back. My mind was a mess. I couldn’t think clearly.

“Can’t talk. Can’t think. Please let me in.”

Sal frowned and his brain seemed to finally be waking up. That or he just couldn’t see what I was saying. It was dark in the kitchen. The only light came from the lamp shining in the living room.

“What?”

“OLIVER!” I heard my dad yell from somewhere. The world became slightly blurry. This time I was still present when it happened.

“Move,” I whispered. It was the only warning I gave him. I stepped into the kitchen, closed the door and pulled him down with me. We hid behind the counter as I heard Mr. Andel’s voice become closer. Then it got far away and a door closing echoed in the night.

I peeked through the kitchen window. Our living room window had the curtains open so I saw them. He was pacing in the living room, mom watched him and spoke. I imagined her speaking gently to calm him down. They both looked worried out of their minds. My dad stopped and turned. I saw that he was crying, his eyes haunted. He looked like he’d done something very bad and regretted it. They’re not angry at me. You’re so stupid Oliver. You knew they wouldn’t get angry. I wanted to go back. But I didn’t know how to face them. I felt so ashamed at what I’d done. I had judged them so badly. Thought the very worse of them. As I watched them I tried to imagine myself as them. They were probably getting ready to call the police. I should tell them I was alright. It’s the least I could do.

I grabbed my phone and texted them. I told them I was staying at a friend’s house, that I’d be back tomorrow. I peeked back out the window and saw my dad turn. He walked quickly, hope in his face. He grabbed his phone, reading the message. He sighed a looking relieved. The tension left his body completely. He sank into the couch where I could see him clearly. He continued to stare at the screen. Mom took the phone, read the text too, and sat next to him. Dad looked at her and then he began to sob. He started shivering, the sobs raking his body. Mom hugged him, looking sad. I looked away. My heart was breaking. What had I done? My gaze landed on Sal. He been peeking through the kitchen window, as well. He turned to look at me disapprovingly.

“You shouldn’t do this to them, Oliver.”

“I know. I feel horrible. But... Dad. He… did something.” I ran my hands through my hair and noticed I was still shaking.

Sal noticed and turned on the light of the kitchen. His eyes flew wide open when he noticed the state I was in. My bare feet were dirty, stained with grass and dirt from running. I still had the clothes Sal had seen me in earlier. I wasn’t sure what my hair looked like. I thought that my eyes were probably wide and scared. The pupils dilated in panic.

“To you?”

He looked suddenly so worried. He grabbed my hands and held them in his to stop their shaking. I wished I could feel the little butterflies. He’d grabbed my hand in the mall, and they materialized in my stomach. But there was no space left for them. It was all tied in knots. I shook my head. And I felt even more ashamed.

“What happened then?”

Sal looked confused. Like he didn’t quite understand how we’d gotten to me being in his house. Shaking like a leaf. Scared but ashamed all at once.

“I…” Don’t answer. He’s probably asking to be polite. He doesn’t care. Not really. Don’t bother other people with your nonsense. “You don’t want to hear about it.”

Sal frowned at me. He looked frustrated.

“If I didn’t want you to tell me what happened, I wouldn’t have asked in the first place, I mean, have I ever lied to you or made you think I don’t care about what you’re saying?”

I felt a little uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to this, people wanting to listen to me. I was used to the exact opposite of that. People were always telling me to shut up. I think Sal noticed because his eyes warmed a little.

“But you don’t have to tell me, if you really don’t want to, that’s alright, you can still stay here tonight and I’ll lend you some clothes. It’s alright, it really is, everything’s going to be okay, I’m not mad at you for not telling me or for waking me up or for asking me for help or for anything at all, so don’t even think about that.”

I needed to hear that. I needed to know that at least someone was in my corner. I hadn’t known I need it, but Sal had somehow sensed it. He started to lead me back upstairs to his room. He turned off the kitchen light. I thought the house would be plunged into darkness. But there was a lamp already turned on in the living room. In the hall way of the upper floor there was another lamp turned on. And the lamp in his room was on as well. I understood then that the neither the house nor his room were ever dark. It probably had to do with the locker incident. I won’t lie, I wanted to ask him about it. But I thought today was probably not the night to do so.

Sal touched my shoulder gently. My eyes focused on him as I returned to the present.

“Do you want to take a shower or something? I can get you something to eat if you’re hungry, or something to drink if you’re thirsty, or we could watch TV if you don’t want to go to sleep yet.”

I thought about it. I wasn’t hungry or thirsty. The shower sounded tempting because I felt dirty and sticky with sweat. But I was very tired. All I really wanted to do was sleep.

“No. It’s ok. I just want to sleep. Can we do that?”

“Sure thing, there’s no problem with that, I’ll just lend you a pair of sweats and a shirt, I think I have some clothes that are too big for me that might fit you.”

Sal gave me his typical lazy smile. It made me feel a little better. Sal’s presence alone made me feel better. Memories were still there buzzing in my head. But I could ignore them as long as I was with Sal. I nodded and Sal dragged me over to his closet. He started looking through his clothes for something that would fit me. Meanwhile, I took in his room. When I was here before, we stayed in the living room. I had never been up here.

The first thing I noticed was that there was a whole wall covered with posters of bands. He’d talked about a lot of bands in the music store. Some of their posters were hung up. Most of it was their album covers blown up, but others were of the band member as such. He had put his guitar, still in its bag, in one corner. I knew because I recognized the design of the carry bag. His bass was in another case leaning against a wall. There was a small amp next to it. There was a desk and a chair near the window. One of the three remaining walls was just shelves. They covered the wall from floor to ceiling, filled with books. Even so, the floor was littered with small towers of books. Clothes covered whatever the books didn’t.

Sal pushed a pair of sweats and a tank top into my arms. I felt a little self-conscious of my body. It was made worse by the fact that Sal was right there in the room. He noticed and turned with a blush. I still felt awkward, but I changed quickly. When I was done, I stood there not knowing what to do. Sal saw I was ready and go under the covers. Then he noticed I still wasn’t moving.

“What are you waiting for? A formal invitation?”

“But… Am I… going to sleep in your bed?”

“Well, where else if not in my bed? Do you see another bed in the room?”

“What? But… You… We…”

“Chill, I’m not going to do anything to you, I’m gay not a savage, but if you prefer it there’s the living room couch. It gets pretty cold down there and it’s creepy at night, and the lights of the passing cars get in through the windows.”

“I get it. I’ll take the bed.”

Sal laughed silently and made room in his bed for me. I got into the bed feeling a little shy. I had been in the same bed as a guy before. But I had never slept, literally slept, in the same bed with another guy. Sal just turned around to the other side, completely ignoring me. I turned too and tried to sleep. I was so tired. But memories where buzzing around in my mind. I turned again watching the ceiling for a few seconds. The room was so quiet. My mind supplied all the noise. The way he screamed my name in anger. The way I cried. It was too much. They were overwhelming me. I felt like their weight was killing me. Maybe if I shared it with someone. With Sal. He’d said he’d listen.

“My parents died in a car crash about ten years ago.” My rough voice resounded in the silence of the room.

Sal turned around again looking at me with wide eyes, the surprise obvious in his face. I thought he already knew. Almost everyone in town knew something had happened to my parents. It had never once occurred to me that he didn’t know. My mind and heart mellowed a bit. He had said the truth the first time we spoke. He didn’t gossip.

“Yeah. That’s how I ended up in an orphanage and then with the Andels.”

Sal didn’t say anything but he was looking at me, really looking at me. And I somehow got the feeling that though he wasn’t saying anything his attention was completely focused on me.

“The day before the accident dad and I had a fight. He grabbed me hard enough to bruise. He slapped me right across the face. I was crying very loud. He seemed to become angrier. He flung me against a wall. He advanced toward me and I ran away. Ran to my room to hide. He kept screaming at me to open the door. I just cowered in my bed until he went away.” I could hear the door rattling under the fore of his angry fists. My body throbbed in pain even though I knew I was alright.

“Tonight Jerry was mad about something and he threw a glass of water. It shattered against the wall next to me. I got scared. He was so angry. Last time someone became that angry around me they’d hit me. I didn’t want that to ever happen again. So I ran.”

“But he wasn’t going to hit me. You saw how he looked. That’s not the face of someone that hits a child. And still I ran. I feel horrible. I thought the worse of him. I didn’t even give him the chance to defend himself. To prove he’s a better person than my biological father ever was. I made them worry so much. They looked so sad. I did that. I hurt them a lot tonight.”

I don’t know why I had told him about that but it felt a little liberating. Sal looked like he didn’t know what to feel. He seemed understanding. But then he became worried. And then he looked sad. He touched my shoulder so gently. I felt tears sting my eyes. I tried to hold them back but just couldn’t. I hadn’t ever told anyone about that. No one knew what had happened after that. Why I didn’t talk anymore. The weight of my memories, my past, my secrets crushed me. For the first time I didn’t want to carry them anymore.

I closed my eyes, trying to keep the crying to a minimum. But then Sal hugged me tightly and I couldn’t help it. I crumbled to pieces in his arms. I cried and cried for what felt like hours. Sal held me. He made small circles on my back that calmed me down little by little. Finally, I stopped crying but I felt so tired. My eyelids were heavy. I let them close. Somewhere a voice in my head told me this felt too intimate. I wasn’t sure what this referred to. I was too tired to think. I was sure that I felt warm and safe. I was also sure that I liked it. So I ignored everything else and slept.

I woke up the next day feeling really warm. That’s weird. I cracked one of my eyes open. This was not my bed. I opened my other eye. This was not my room. My heart began to race. I felt movement behind me. I turned my head slightly. Sal was there. His face was peaceful with sleep. Everything came back to my mind. What dad had done, running away, coming to Sal, telling him about it, staying here. God. What a mess. My mind tried to make me feel ashamed and worried again. But my body was beginning to notice other things. Far more important things. Like Sal’s body heat radiating from my back. Like his arms around me, holding me tight. And then there was Sal’s morning erection.

My own erection throbbed in response. I blushed and pulled a little away. Sal snuffled. I stilled. I didn’t want to move. Not at all. I liked what was going on here. I liked what I was feeling. I liked Sal holding me. I liked Sal, a lot. But this was not the right way to do things. No matter what my d**k argued, I wasn’t going to take advantage. Plus, I had to go to the bathroom, badly. I started wriggling out of Sal’s hold. Sal snuffled again and snuggled closer. I could feel everything again. I blushed and firmed my resolve. Don’t get distracted.

Finally, I was able to get out of bed. Sal tried to snuggle again. His hands roamed the bed. He seemed to realize the bed was empty because his forehead wrinkled. He opened his eyes, blinking slowly. He looked around until he spotted me. His eyes seemed unfocused even though he was looking at me. It looked like he wasn’t really seeing me. I pulled my tank top down, over my erection. Please. Don’t let him notice that. Then suddenly his eyes focused and I saw the moment his brain started to work. He frowned at me for about a minute, looking confused. I was beginning to feel self-conscious.

“Good morning.”

Sal’s frown lightened and he snorted. He gave me one of his lazy smiles and told me good morning back.

“You want to take a shower?”

Sal raised one of his eyebrows and gave me a wicked smile. I didn’t understand at first but then I noticed that what I’d said. It sounded really bad. Or really good. I blushed as my woody gave another throb. I pulled the tank top down even further. Get out of here before you embarrass yourself.

“I mean, not together. I meant before me. Or after me. Or whatever.”

Sal laughed and smiled at me again.

“You go first.”

I nodded. I hurried into the bathroom. I sighed in relief. Sal’s gaze seemed to see right through me. I felt my cheeks heat even more. God, could I make even more of a fool out of myself? I relieved my bladder. Then, undressed and stepped into the shower. I made quick work of it, willing my d**k to behave. We couldn’t do this right now. I stepped out and grabbed a towel. I dried myself and went to put my clothes on. Only to remember I had no clothes. Well, I could wear my jeans but I didn’t have a shirt. And my jeans were outside the bathroom. I felt horrible having to ask Sal for more favors. He had already been so nice to me. But I had no other option. I opened the door and peeked out. Sal sat on the bed with a book. He looked up.

“I’m sorry but, could you lend me more clothes?”

“Sure, my clothes look better on you anyways.”

Sal gave me his lazy smile and went to his closet. He rummaged and finally grabbed a long sleeved shirt with a V neck that he threw towards me. Then he threw a pair of jeans at me as well. He winked at me and gave me another mischievous smile.

“That’ll look good on you.”

I felt my cheeks heat even more and I just locked myself in the bathroom again. God. Why did he have such a strong effect on me? Because you like him. I blushed. I did. I really did. It didn’t make me happy. As far as I knew I had very bad taste when it came to guys. They all ended up f*****g me over and cheating on me. If I liked Sal, did that mean he was like them? I didn’t know. I wanted to believe that he wasn’t. He’d already treated me far better than any of my old boyfriends. Maybe he and I… There was a knock on the door and it startled me. I opened it, wondering what Sal wanted. Sal stood behind it, still dressed in his pajamas, with a toothbrush in his hand. He blushed when he saw me.

“Hey, I remembered I had no extras in here, and thought you might need one and well, here you go, in case you needed it.”

Sal offered me the toothbrush and I grabbed it with a small smile. I told him thanks and he told me it was no problem. Then he turned around and left the room. What was the matter with him? Why had he acting so strangely so suddenly? I closed the door and went to the sink to brush my teeth. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I understood Sal’s behavior. I’d gone to open the door with nothing but a towel wrapped around my waist. s**t. I blushed. Well, I seemed hell bent on messing things up. There was nothing to do about that. I sighed and finished getting dressed. The jeans were not too badly ripped. But they were tighter than I was used to. Sal probably miscalculated my size.

I came out of the bathroom. The room was still empty. Stepped out and went down the stairs to the kitchen. I guessed Sal must be there having breakfast. When I came in, Mina and another woman stood there. Mina looked worried. The other woman, Sal’s other mother Ash probably, looked angry. Both turned to look at me and I felt uncomfortable. Sal had let me into the house and let me stay the night without their consent. That’s what probably had Ash looking angry.

“Good morning ma’ams. I’m sorry I stayed over without your permission. It’s my fault, not Sal’s. Don’t blame him for this.”

They gasped and looked back at Sal with wide eyes. There was a question in her eyes. But I didn’t know what they were asking. He stared at them like they were stupid and shook his head. What had I done? Why did they react like that? Oh, Of course. I’d used sign language. They probably thought I was mute like Sal.

“No, he’s not like me, you know the Andel’s would’ve told you something if that had been the case, he just doesn’t like talking, that’s it.”

I nodded, smiling at Sal, grateful to him for defending me. I should defend myself though. Explain why I didn’t talk. I really didn’t want to. I only thought of doing it because Sal was there. And I trusted him so much. He’d step in if things went south.

“I can talk,” I whispered. “I just hate my voice.”

Mina and Ash looked at me for a while. I felt like I had grown a second head in the space of a second. Then the irony if it all hit me. It was so selfish of me. I could talk but chose not to. Sal didn’t even have that kind of choice. Memories began to plague my brain. I started learning sign language on my own. And started using it around the orphanage. And around school. The kids began to bully me. They said I was a liar. I wasn’t mute but I was acting like I was. The teachers got angry too. They said I shouldn’t use sign language. That it was a crutch. They said I should just stop being stupid and talk. They kept asking me question. Urging me to talk. Trying to force me. They didn’t know that their antics made my throat close up. It became so tight I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

My throat began closing again. I felt like I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Why were they looking at me like that? Were they judging me? Did they think I was a liar too? Sal harrumphed to get their attention away from me. With their gazes off me I could finally breathe.

“Anyways, as I was explaining before Oliver walked in, something happened yesterday and he ask me for help and a place to stay and I told him he could stay here.”

Sal shrugged, as if it were no big deal. I smiled and thanked him mentally. For everything he’d done so far, for comforting me, for his patience, for paying attention, for keeping my secret, for getting their attention off me.

“And where did he sleep?” Ash asked, her tone measured and careful. She was a light breeze away from going boom. I could tell.

I saw Mina blush and look somewhere else. She probably already knew where I had slept. I wasn’t sure how she knew. Had she walked into the room while Sal and I were asleep? Sal looked at his mom like she was stupid.

“In my room.”

“He slept with you? In your bed?” Ash asked her tone no longer careful. In fact it was climbing higher and higher. My heart began to race. She was angry. So angry.

The same desire to run away invaded me. I didn’t want to give her a chance to hit me either. And I didn’t want her to hit Sal either. Which was the reason I stayed. Because I wouldn’t leave Sal behind. Also, my brain argued, it would be rude to leave when you caused this mess. And leaving would only make things worse. I didn’t want to cause any more trouble for Sal. I had already been enough of a bother and he had been so nice. Listening to me and comforting me when I most needed it. Ash was probably angry because Sal was gay and I was a guy. But I hadn’t been planning on doing anything to him or with him. I just needed a friend. But unless I told her about what happened she wouldn’t understand. My throat closed up at the mere idea. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t.

Sal seemed unaffected by his mother’s tone. He didn’t even flinch. He just shrugged.

“Yeah, I mean, I already told you he slept in my room, so of course he slept in my bed, where else did you want him to sleep, on the floor? Dusty and Em have stayed over plenty of times and they have slept in my bed and you didn’t care those times, what’s the big deal now?

“What’s the big deal?! Are you seriously asking me this?!” Ash asked sounding even angrier. I felt myself shrink but stood right there. I wasn’t leaving Sal. Sal still seemed unaffected by his mother’s anger.

“Yes, I’m asking because I don’t get what the big deal is with him sleeping in my bed, I understood when you were angry that I let him stay over without permission. But I officially admit that I no longer understand this conversation or why him sleeping in my bed is so much more important than him staying the night.”

This looked like it would be the source of a big argument. I really didn’t want to get Sal into trouble. His mother would never understand unless I explained. I really didn’t want to explain, but Sal was more important to me.

“Excuse me,” I whispered, to get their attention. It worked better than I thought. But then the full force of that anger was focused on me. My throat closed up again. I decided to use sign language, no matter whether they judge me or not.

“Yesterday my adoptive father, Jerry, became very angry. He threw a glass of water at a wall. I had a panic attack and ran. The last time an adult became that angry around me they hit me. I didn’t want that to happen again. I was very scared and needed a friend. So I asked Sal for help. He helped me work through my panic. He comforted me and I fell asleep.”

Ash seemed taken aback at first. I felt relieved. She’d calm down now. She’d understand. But then she became even angrier. My heart raced. My breathing hitched in my chest. She’s going to hit you. She didn’t listen to a word you said. She doesn’t care.

“Don’t hit me. Please. Don’t be angry. That’s it. I swear. I cried myself to sleep. Sal hugged me. I’m sorry. Don’t be angry. Please. Don’t hit me. Or him. Please I’m sorry.”

The words just tumbled out while shook in fear. My eye were closed. My arms protected my head. My brain screamed at me to leave, to run. But I couldn’t leave Sal here. I couldn’t let them hit him. Arms wrapped around me. I tensed and tried to fight. But then I recognized Sal’s scent and I relaxed. I began to shiver in earnest then. Panic coursed through my blood.

“It’s alright, Oliver,” a gentle female voice said. It startled me and I opened my eyes to find Mina hugging me. “Take deep breaths with me, come on.”

Her voice was so nice. So gentle. So caring. I felt her take a deep breath and I followed her lead. She sat down on a nearby bar stool. We took deep breaths together and I felt myself calm down. She took a step away and I was able to see Sal. He was holding on to the counter with white knuckles. He looked so worried. So impotent. Like my father yesterday. And I understood. He wanted to help. To make it all better. My dad wanted the people in town to stop bullying Sal. That’s why he’d been so angry. Because he wanted to protect Sal. I had probably looked as angry as him when I punched Brent. I had watched Sal be hurt and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I took a deep breath. I understood now.

“No one’s going to hurt you Oliver,” Mina said gently, pulling my attention away from Sal. “I won’t let them.”

I wanted to believe her, but she couldn’t be everywhere.

“You’re right. I can’t go with you wherever you go. But I’ll give you my number and you can call me whenever you need. If you think you’re in danger, if you think someone’s going to hurt you, I want you to call me. I’ll come to you. I swear.”

I looked at Sal again, and when he saw me looking he nodded desperately. I could hear him. Me too, he screamed, frantic. Me too. I’ll come too. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Trust me.

“You can trust us,” Mina said gently.

I took a split second to react but then my eyes stung. Tears ran down my cheeks and I nodded. I would trust them. So many people had let me down. So many of them. But I would trust Mina and Sal. They hadn’t given me any reason not to trust them.

“You should talk to your parents, the Andels, and tell them what you told us. I think you should see if you can trust them too,” Mina said.

She was right. I needed to start trusting people. So far the Andels hadn’t given me a reason to distrust them either. Yesterday dad had thrown a glass of water at a wall because he was angry. When I was angry, I had hit a kid. Neither things were correct. Our anger didn’t excuse what we’d done. But our actions proved that we were human. Proved that we were similar. My parents had forgiven me for hitting Brent. They told me that violence was not the correct way to deal with the situation. So I’d talk to my dad.

“I think I should go.” I my eyes focused on Sal even though there were other people in the room. Because if I looked at Sal, my throat didn’t close up. “I need to talk to my parents.”

“I’ll walk you home.”

“No, you’re staying right the hell here,” Ash said in a voice that was like the crack of a whip. And startled me really badly. For the first time I saw that she was still as angry as before. Maybe more.

“Why can’t I walk my own friend to his house?”

Sal looked really angry now. It was such a weird look on him because he was normally happy no matter what happened. There wasn’t much that could draw a reaction out of him. And that sort of melted my heart, because he was angry for me. But then it made me worry because Ash looked really dangerous. Sal’s answer only made things worse.

“Because I say so,” Ash said, doing the crack of the whip thing again. I startled again. Don’t panic, I told myself. Don’t. It’s okay. She’s not going to hit you. I closed my eyes as I began to shake.

“Ashlyn, te juro por Dios y mi madre que si no te calmas en este momento, tu y yo vamos a tener un problema muy grande.”

The statement was delivered in the same gentle voice. It took me a second to understand that Mina had spoken in Spanish. I opened my eyes to look at her. And then, in the next second, I understood what had been said. I blushed. I felt like I’d eavesdropped on a private conversation. They probably didn’t know I took Spanish as an elective in high school. Mina was still holding my gaze. She smiled reassuringly at me. She knew I understood and she was telling me it was alright. There was no secret here.

“I’ll walk you home,” Mina said.

She pulled me up from the bar stool and walked me to the door. I looked back towards Sal and saw him looking at me longingly, like he wanted to say something. We were out of the house and the door closed. I turned to look forward, at my house. I began to feel nervous. I had to talk to my parents. Explain what had happened. How would they react? Mina sighed and slowed her pace. Like Sal Had done the other day when he wanted to talk. I thought she probably wanted to tell me something. So, I slowed down too.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” She said with a sheepish smile.

I just shrugged. I wasn’t sure how to answer.

“I just want you to know that this isn’t about you, Oliver. Ashlyn isn’t angry at you. It’s just that… Sal’s had it tough and well, we can’t help but be protective of him. It was the first time, and I hope the last time, he had a friend over without asking us first. I know that he’s almost an adult now, that I can’t keep him under my wing all the time. Ash knows too, but she’s having a hard time. She’s just very protective of Sal. I promise she’s got nothing against you,” Mina said, giving me a warm smile.

I didn’t know what to say to that either. So, I just nodded to let her know I understood and was listening.

“You’re a good kid Oliver, I can tell already. He’s had no one else except for Dustin and Emerald for such a long time. I’m so glad that he finally made another friend… Or is it something else?” Mina asked. She raised an eyebrow and gave me a wicked smile. Just like Sal had done before.

I felt my cheeks heat and I shook my head quickly. Mina laughed and gave me another warm smile.

“That’s ok then. Like I said, I’m glad he’s got someone else in his life apart from Dustin and Emerald. And I just I know you’ll be good to him, no matter what. Well, here we are,” Mina said as we got to the door of my house.

I started feeling nervous again. I’d acted so poorly yesterday. I shouldn’t have run away. They’d looked so heart broken. I suddenly started feeling a little nauseous. I think it showed in my face because Mina gently caressed my shoulder.

“You want me to talk to them?” Mina asked, sounding a little worried.

I was tempted to nod and have her handle the situation for me. She knew what had happened after all. But I couldn’t possibly do that to her. It wasn’t her place to tell my story. Just like it wasn’t mom’s place to tell me Sal’s. I shook my head. She nodded and kissed my forehead. She gave me her number, like she said she would. She programmed it into my phone herself and put it on speed dial. Then she stepped away, waved me good bye, and went back to her house. I watched her go and sighed. Well, it was time to face the music.

I opened the door and went in. I was dreading what I’d find there. What their reactions would be. They’ll be so angry. Shut up. They wouldn’t be angry. And if they are angry at you? Well, if they are, they still won’t hit me. And if… And if they do I’ll just call Mina. Mom came out of the kitchen and gasped when she saw me. I cringed as I saw her. But then in the blink of an eye she was hugging me tightly. She started crying. She wiped her tears away and pulled back. She took my face into her hands, then my hands, my arms. She examined me completely. When she was sure I was okay her body draped over me with relief. She began crying again as she covered my face in kisses.

“Jerry! Jerry!” Mom yelled between kisses. “Come -kiss- here -kiss-! Quickly-kiss-! He’s -kiss- back-kiss-! Come -kiss- here -kiss-!”

Dad came running and when he saw me he froze. I tensed too. For a second all we did was stare at each other. I expected him to get mad any second now. He would yell and scream. But tears began to run down his face. He tentatively walked over to where mom and I stood. He continued to look at me. He looked sad, apologetic, and relieved all at the same time. Mom let me go then and he hugged me tightly to his body. He told he was sorry. Asked me to please forgive him for what he’d done. He said he’d made a mistake. That he could do better. That it wouldn’t ever happen again.

I was overwhelmed. I hadn’t expected to have this reception after running away. I had been expecting the worse of them. But I was wrong. They had been worried about me. I hadn’t given them the chance to show me they were different. But now I knew. I had been confusing the past with the present. But the Andels weren’t my biological parents. The Andels had already proved they were completely different. Good different. I finally hugged dad back. Tears stung my eyes and I didn’t do a thing to stop them.

“I’m sorry,” I said with my full horrible voice. I wanted them to hear me, loud and clear.

Mom and dad looked a little surprised at first. But just like everything else, they took it in stride. They smiled through the tears. Mom told me it was alright. That they were just glad that I had come back. Dad told me he should be the one to apologize. I shook my head at them and signaled for them to follow me. They looked a little confused but still did so. I lead them back to the living room. I sat in the love seat in front of the couch. I looked pointedly at the couch and then at them. They got the clue that I wanted them to sit down, so they did. I took a breath. I had to make them understand it was partly my fault.

“My dad hit me the day before they died. We were fighting. I had been invited to play at too recitals the following day. Both were at the same time. I wanted to go to a piano concert. He wanted me to go to the violin one. I told him I hated playing the violin. He told me to stop being stupid. I told him that he was the one being stupid. He got very angry. I tried to get away. He grabbed my arm very hard. He pulled me to him and slapped me right across the face. I began to cry. But I was angry. I told him I hated him. He flung me against a wall. I crumpled to the floor in pain. Through the haze of tears I saw him getting closer. And I ran. I didn’t want him to hit me again,” I explained, hating my voice even more per second that I used it. My throat was closing up with panic. But I forced myself to speak through it. This was important. This was not the time to become speechless. As a result my voice sounded even rougher and it broke in places. And I hated it. So much. It never behaved the way I wanted it too. It was always deserting me. Betraying me.

“Oh, Ollie,” My mom said and her eyes filled with tears.

“Son… I… I didn’t know,” Dad said, looking even guiltier than before.

“I never told anyone,” I croaked, my voice misbehaving again.

“Ollie, we would never hurt you,” Mom said her voice breaking. “I would never let anyone hurt you. Never. Not even if that someone was husband. I would protect you with my life.

“I would never hit you, son. I swear to you. I would die before I ever did something like that to you,” Dad said, his voice breaking like mine. He looked so heartbroken. “My anger just got the best of me. I’m so sorry. Please believe me, it won’t happen again. And even if I do get angry, I will never take it out on you. I know what that feels like. My parents were very abusive. I’ll never make you go through what I did.”

Somewhere in my mind I had known I could trust them. There had been that voice telling me not to panic. To go back. Telling me that these people would never hurt me. But the past and the present had been too similar. I became confused. And look at what I’d done. I’d hurt them so much. I told myself to stop mixing the present and the past. I’d probably still be afraid of angry adults. And the memories would still plague me. But I’d stop expecting the Andels, my parents, to act like my dead parents. I should keep an open mind and listen, like Sal had suggested.

“Please believe in us,” Jerry pleaded. “Give me one more chance.”

“Trust us to keep you safe and protected, even from ourselves,” Ally said gently. “Can you do that Ollie?”

I gave them a small smile and nodded.

They threw themselves on me. They kept on crying as they apologize, hugged me, covered me in kisses, and thanked me. All at the same time. I hugged them back and cried with them. I had people I could trust and depend now. I wasn’t alone and vulnerable anymore.