Tainted: Listening to the Silence

NINE

Copyright Credits:

And Their Name Was Treason, album by A Day to Remember. Copyright 2005. Released through Indianola Records. The songs are subject to different copyright owners and songwriters.

All This Bad Blood, album by Bastille. Copyright 2013. Released through the labels Virgin EMI Records, Virgin Records, and Universal Music Group. The songs are subject to different copyright owners and songwriters.

We Are Not Alone, album by Breaking Benjamin. Copyright 2004. Released through Hollywood Records. The songs are subject to different copyright owners and songwriters.

Flaws. Copyright 2011. Publishers WWKD LTD. Song written by Daniel Smith Campbell. Performed by Bastille.

Oliver

We had another date. No not a date. You just made plans to go to the city because he wanted to change the strings of his bass. He just needed someone to drive him to the city nothing else. You’re just convenient. A means of transport. But then he could have asked Mina or Ash to drive him to the city. But he asked me specifically to take him. It was a date. No it isn’t. You just happened to have a car available. But Dust has a car too, why not ask him? It’s a date. No, it’s not. Dust lives literally in the other side of the town. You’re just closer to him. Okay. So, then it’s not a date. He just wanted a favor. I wouldn’t think of it as any more than just a favor between friends. Right, then why are you choosing your best clothes to impress him?

I decided I didn’t care about what thought. This was a date for me. I couldn’t decide on what to wear. Should I go with my favorite brown hoodie or my favorite dark blue button up shirt? He won’t care what you wear. This isn’t a date. Pick something already. This had to be a date. This was the fourth weekend in a row that we went out to the city. It had to be more than just me giving him free rides to the city. My parents had eyed me suspiciously when I asked to borrow the car again. I swore that I’d tell them tonight about my liking Sal. They probably knew already. But it felt right to be the one to tell them. Hello, it’s getting late. Stop being a girl and choose already.

I grabbed the hoodie. I’d be way overdressed if I wore a button shirt. This wasn’t a date. I’d make a fool out of myself. Like the first time we went out after his lockdown ended. I’d dressed nicely. He wore the same ripped clothes he worse to school. I put the hoodie on and checked myself one last time in the mirror. Who was I kidding? This was so a date for me. Just like the other three had been.

“Ollie! Sal’s here!” I heard my mom yell.

I grabbed my wallet and ran down the stairs. Sal said it was ok but I got the feeling that he felt uncomfortable around my mom. She was mostly over the fact that Sal was mute. The key word here being mostly. She had started to cry the first day Sal came to my house after the two weeks. She didn’t cry anymore but she spoiled him. Anyway. I didn’t think Sal would appreciate it if I left him alone with mom. Also I didn’t want to give her the chance to start crying again. I slowed down as I neared the living room entrance. I didn’t want to appear like I’d been running. I smoothed my clothes and checked my hair. All was right. I took a deep breath and entered the living room.

Right there, staring at a vase with freshly cut azaleas from the garden was Sal. Their pink color looked alive and vibrant against the cream walls. He sensed me entering and turned. He held my gaze for a few seconds. Then his eyes took me in, going from my head to my sweater to my jeans and to my shoes. After that they made the trip back up. My heart began to race. Please, I thought. I wasn’t sure what I was pleading for. Too many things crossed my head at the same time. Don’t get an erection. Don’t stop looking at me, ever. Kiss me. That was the most powerful of my pleads. I felt like I’d die if I didn’t kiss Sal.

He waved at me, my eyes focusing on his again. I couldn’t help but laugh. I waved back at him. He gave me a lazy smile. I made my way over to the doorway, knowing that he’d follow me. I grabbed my house keys and pocketed them. I kept the car keys in my hand and opened the door to leave.

“Bye-bye Ollie! Take care! Don’t be back late!” I heard mom yell from the kitchen.

I looked at Sal and rolled my eyes, giving him a small smile. Mom’s. They’re so embarrassing. He laughed and nodded. You’re telling me? I’ve got two of them. I laughed. No word had been spoken and no signs had been used. He’d gotten good at reading each other’s faces.

Sal followed me to the car. I opened the door for him and let him in before going over to my side and getting in. You’re a dork. That wasn’t really done on purpose it was just a habit. Since when? Since a month ago. I did it that first date after being grounded. I noticed he appreciated me opening the door for him. That’s when it became a habit. They’re not dates. Oh shut the hell up, they are dates. I turned on the engine and got out onto the street, making my way to the city. I turned on the radio and noticed it was still on that music station. The one Sal had chosen the last time he’d been in the car.

I blushed about that. My parents didn’t really drive this car. My mom worked in town and she liked to walk. We hadn’t heard the radio much these days. When we went out, Sal brought CDs for me to listen to. So, no radio until today. Would he think I kept his preferred station on purpose? Then I wondered why he didn’t bring me CDs today.

He’d been covering me in CDs lately. I wasn’t sure where he kept them. Every week he’d bring new CDs for me and I’d return the ones I’d already listened to. When I didn’t like one, he showed me other bands just to be sure. He said that maybe if we changed the focus, I’d like the genre better. And most of the time it was true. But in general I loved the bands Sal showed me. There were people out there that were seriously skilled and I hadn’t even known. And then there were songs and bands that spoke to me. That urged me to make them my own. Or maybe it was my mind that begged me to play. Begged me to transform a song. I felt restless, like my skin itched. The songs from Bastille made my skin itch the worse. So, I was slowly but surely making them apt for my piano.

It was a wonder. A true miracle. The first type of creation that I could finish. Of course, maybe it was because I wasn’t really creating. I was grabbing something already done by someone else and tweaking it. Changing it a bit so that my piano could sing those songs. That’s it I thought. My piano wanted to sing. Because they’d become so important to me. Because I loved them. Not just the music, but the lyrics. They spoke about me. Sal and I both particularly liked Flaws. So I was working on making my piano sing it to him. But I kept feeling that something was missing. It was a kind of a surprise for Sal. But I couldn’t figure out what was missing.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost missed the turn that led to the mall. We parked and I again went around the car to open Sal’s door for him. He gave me a shy smile. The first I’d seen so far. He was blushing to his neck and I wondered if it spread further down. Sal touched my hand gently and told me thanks. And I blushed too because I was overthinking things.

He grabbed his bass and lead me back to Adagio. This time there was no berating. In fact, Dev complimented him. Said he’d been taking good care of his bass. But there was a glint in his eyes as he said it. I could almost hear the snide remark. You take care of your bass, but your guitar could rot for all you care. Something along those lines. Dev changed the strings and gave the instrument a quick look over. He checked the mast, the frets, and the screws. Like he’d done with the electric guitar. But there wasn’t even a single speck of dust to be found.

In the face of such evidence there was nothing I could do. Sal preferred his bass. His guitar had been a mess when he brought it to the store. In desperate need of love. The bass was here because of habit not because it needs the check-up. Dev finished checking the bass and gave it back to Sal. He put it back in its case and went to the cash register. The cashier and Sal talked for a while. Sal knew everyone in this store pretty well. Sal asked for an extra set of strings for his bass. Then he eyed the picks for a few seconds. I tried to understand what he was debating and couldn’t. They all looked the same for me. Also, from what I’d seen he played the bass with his fingers.

In the end he shook his head and said he was only buying the strings. Before Sal could leave, the cashier gave him a free strap. Either for guitar or bass, it didn’t matter. Sal smiled in thanks and waved him bye. He waved bye to Dev and we left.

I got lost in thought. I was more than a little dismayed at the amount of money and the care Sal’s instruments required. I had only ever had my piano to take care of. Well, I’d had the violin before, but I was talking about the present. Just my piano overwhelmed me sometimes. There was too much to consider and take care of. Sal’s electric guitar required the strings to be changed and a look over at least every two months. His bass guitar required a change and a look over every three months at least. Both had to be brought to the store at least once a year for a deep specialized check.

It was a lot of work is you asked me.

Me, I had my old upright piano which required a dehumidifier. I had the dehumidifier because my dead parents had bought it for me. When everything went into storage I begged to keep both things. I knew the storage would kill my baby. And my baby couldn’t exist without the little appliance. And I couldn’t exist without my piano. Focus Oliver. With just that one accessory pianos could stay tuned for years. Unless you moved them. In which case they most probably had to be tuned again.

When I moved in with the Andels I had to tune it again. The tuner in town had complimented me. He had I’d taken great care of my piano. He did say that it would be best if I moved the piano to another room. He said that a room where it was all on its own would be better. I didn’t really like that idea though. I remember I’d told him that…

“Hey Sal! Oliver!” I heard a familiar voice yell. We’d already left the bass in the car and were making our way through the mall.

Both Sal and I turned and saw Kevin approaching us. Great. It was him. I really didn’t know why I disliked this guy so much. Because you’re possessive of Sal. No. That wasn’t it. It was something in the way he flirted with Kyle. The familiarity in the way they treated each other. Like they had known each other for long and there was history there. History I didn’t like. You’re jealous.

“Hey Kev, how are you? You’re not working today?”

“I’m good and yes I’m working. I’m just on my break right now. I thought I’d get something to eat. So, you two are here again. Together. Sal is there something you’re not telling me? Are you cheating on me with him?” Kevin asked, pretending to be indignant.

“I’ve cheated on you with millions honey, I’m so sorry, I never meant for you to find out like this, I swear, but yes, to answer your question, I’m currently cheating on you with him.”

Sal turned and winked at me. He gave me one of his devilish smiles as he stepped closer to me. He cuddled to my side, holding me by the waist. At that very moment I swear my heart stopped beating. Oh God. Sal. He was so close to me. He smelled good. A little fruity –no pun intended- and sweet. I swallowed willed myself to act as if this didn’t affect me at all. In reality, all I wanted was to hug Sal tighter to my body. Kiss him or have him kiss me. Whichever. Right here in the middle of the mall. I didn’t care. Of course, it would be better if…

“How could you do this to me?” Kevin wailed, trying and failing to contain his laughter. “After all I’ve given you! I gave you my youth! I thought you were happy with me!”

Sal let go of my waist momentarily. I wished he’d kept his hands around me. But then again watching him have fun with Kevin made me smile. And jealous. All at the same time. Life was so confusing.

“We were never dating in the first place, this is all in your head honey, you’ve made this whole thing up. You should’ve known that something made up, like our relationship was, would never make me happy.”

“You’re wrong. Our relationship was real, I’m sure of it because I dreamed you asked me to be your boyfriend. Either way, you leave me no other choice but to break this made up relationship with us!” Kevin said in a mocking dramatic tone.

This was like watching a soap opera. I felt like buying some popcorn to eat while I watched. Sal let out a triumphant sound, something that sounded like a little garbled ‘Ha!’

“So, you admit that it’s made up, so we’re not breaking up because there never was an us to begin with. See Ollie, here you have the evidence, I told you that I never had anything with Kevin, that I’ve been without a boyfriend for a while now.”

My eyes wanted to arch in surprise. I have never expected to be brought into the soap opera’s script. Instead, I nodded happily.

“You were right my Sal, of course. I never doubted you. Not for a single second. You’re always honest.”

“Can’t you let me have a little hope? I’ve been in love with you for so many years. But you always refuse me. Do you always have to be so cruel?” Kevin said looking hurt and broken hearted.

“I’m so very sorry Kevin, but the thing is that I have eyes for one thing and one thing only, and that thing is...” My heart pounded quickly in my chest. This soap opera was getting too close to the bone. I suspected there was truth behind this made up words. What would Sal say? “…my bass guitar.”

Kevin snorted and tried to contain it. But then Sal’s resolve broke too, and he began laughing. They both laughed and I chuckled softly along. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. I had no right to feel like that. But that didn’t stop me.

“Anyway, I actually wanted to ask you something,” Kevin said smiling.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Is it true you need a second guitarist?”

Sal looked taken aback by the question. A second guitarist? But wasn’t Em the guitarist? Why would they need a second one?

“Well, we do, or I mean, I think we do, but who told you about that?”

“Dustin might have told me,” Kevin said shrugging.

Sal looked a little pissed at that. However, he said nothing.

“Well, we do need a rhythmic guitarist to compliment Em, to give the songs a bit of depth and complexion, but why are you asking?”

“Look no further baby, I’m your second guitarist!”

Wait. What? He was going to be in their band? Spend every f*****g afternoon with Sal? No. Please. No.

“What?” Sal seemed to sputter and falter for a few seconds. He looked like he didn’t know what to say. He was probably looking for a way to turn him down. “But I thought you were Cinematic Paradise’s lead guitarist.” Well. At least Sal wasn’t saying yes yet.

“I was but I had a fight with Brent’s girlfriend. The b***h told him that I had come onto her. As if I’d ever go straight for someone like her. Of course, even though it was an obvious lie -I haven’t touched or looked at a girl in a s****l way, ever-, she gave Brent an excuse to harass me a bit. And then I got kicked out of the band because Brent threatened them. So, no, I’m a free spirit now.”

Okay. I felt a little bad for him. Now that I took a good look at him he did look a little battered. But that didn’t mean it would be ok for him to spend every day with Sal! Even I didn’t go to their band practice every day. It took too much time. Too many hours of the same thing over and over again.

“Damn, I’m sorry to hear that Kev.” Sal looked like it physically hurt him to see Kevin like this. Like it hurt to know that Brent had taken his band from him. Brent might’ve even ruined Kevin’s future. Oliver, focus, do you like the guy or not? He’s the guy Sal will cheat on you with. Shut up. Sal and I aren’t even together yet.

“Yeah, anyway, Dustin told me you were looking for a second guitarist. If you really need a second guitarist, I would love to be in Tainted.”

Tainted? What was he… Oh. The name of Sal’s band. Wow. My face heated with shame. I never knew it was named Tainted. I felt so put out, that Kevin knew the name of the band but I hadn’t. Had Sal ever told me about them? Not that I remembered. The name rolled around on my mind. It suited them. At least from what Sal had told me. I still didn’t know what to think about Sal not telling me their name. Had it been on purpose?

“Well, I don’t know Kev, I can’t make a decision like this on my own, I need to talk to Em and Dust, because Dusty hasn’t mentioned telling you that we were looking for a second guitarist. And then you’ll have to come to the garage and they’ll need to hear you play and all that, so let me tell them and I’ll get back to you, okay?” For the first time, Sal’s face had no expression. He looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here if you asked me.

That still wasn’t a yes, was it? It still isn’t a no either.

“Alright, thanks Sal. I’ll be waiting.” And it was so hard to want this guy away from Sal when he looked like that. He looked like Sal had given him the first bit of good news in a long time. Then he seemed to snap out of it and return to his more or less normal self. “Oh, were you on the way to the music store? We’ve got discount this week because next week we’re getting new merchandise.”

“Really? Then we have to go take a look, come on Ollie, come on, come on, maybe they’ll have And Their Name Was Treason.”

Sal waved bye to Kev before dragging me over to the music store from before. Again he asked me to help him look for the CD. It was from a band called A Day to Remember. It seemed like an innocent enough name and I was interested. We ended up with him searching and me listening. He would search, pull out a CD, and then he would tell about the band. He would tell me why I might like it and why I might not like it. We searched through the entire rock section. The CD he was looking for was nowhere to be found. He was somewhat sad as he moved to another shelve. The search, pull out, and tell method continued. Until he saw another album by Breaking Benjamin that he didn’t have. He started jumping and doing a little happy dance. And I laughed.

He gave me the album and kept on searching. It was named We Are Not Alone and the man in the cover freaked me out some. The photograph was beautiful. The fingers his hands were laced together tightly. The skin around his hands moved and wrinkled with the force. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was suffering. That he was stressed out or sad. Sal showed me another CD, this one by a guy named Mika. He decided I had to listen to that album. We continued ‘searching’ until Sal went through all the shelves.

He didn’t find the album he’d wanted. He found other albums however. Both for me and for him. And I found some albums from Bastille. The first album had some acoustic songs I’d heard through the internet. I also got All This Bad Blood. The cashier explained that All This Bad Blood included Bad Blood. I already knew that. And yes, I’d end up with two versions of Bad Blood. But I really wanted the acoustic versions that All This Bad Blood didn’t have. Sal tried to pay for the albums he got from me. I didn’t let him. Not only that, but I managed to pay for his albums too. He was sulking when we left the store. But I was pretty happy.

I’d gotten Sal his first gift. Of course, there was no surprise here. But I’d paid for them and then gave them to him. That counted as a gift, right?

We then proceeded to walk around the mall. We fooled around in the stores like we always did. We’d made a game of pointing out things we thought the other person might like. Then they had to say if you’d guessed right or not. It was a nice way of getting to know Sal’s taste in clothes. But Sal took the opportunity to point at things he thought would look good on me. Of course, the clothes looked more or less like the ones he wore. I thought he was just teasing me. I tended to wear very average stuff. It was a way to survive. The more average you dress, the more invisible you were. Sal kept trying to break me out of the habit. Trying to get me to have a bit of personal style. I didn’t know why I needed personal style. But Sal was like a dog with a bone.

I’d bought us lunch a few hours ago. But it was now around time for dinner and Sal was getting hungry again. I could tell. I could also tell he was having too much fun. That he didn’t want to call it a night. I didn’t either. So, I convinced him of trying something different. Instead of waiting until we got back to eat, we decided to eat something in the mall. Of course, we called to let our parents know that we’d arrive a bit later. We sat in the booth of a pizza joint and talked about whatever crossed our minds. I listened to Sal explain something about playing the bass. At the same time, I was thinking that this felt like a date. It’s not a date. But it feels warm and sweet, like a date. That’s all in your head. But…

The waitress delivered our pizza and we started eating in companionable silence. Both of us had our hands too full to do any type of talking. We stuffed ourselves, well Sal did. By the time we were done I was actually thinking of sending a text to mom. I thought of telling her that I’d be later than I’d said. I really didn’t want to move at all. I saw Sal across from me and noticed he’d managed to get a little sauce on his cheek.

Without even thinking about it I stretched my hand. I cleaned his cheek with my thumb. And then stuck it into my mouth and sucked on it. It wasn’t until I had my thumb in my mouth that I noticed what I’d done. I thought I probably blushed to the very roots of my hair. Sal looked surprised at first. And I thought, s**t. He’ll call me disgusting any minute now. But no. He gave me this really warm and happy look. My heart beat faster even faster and my cheeks heated even more.

Then Sal’s face became serious. He sat upright and leaned into the table, looking straight into my eyes. My heart skipped another beat and I didn’t know if I was scared or happy. I felt like he could see right into me. Like he could read my mind, what I was thinking. Like with just one look he could see my past, my secrets, my everything. That scared me more than anything ever. But at the same time it made me happy. I wanted someone to know me that deeply. I wanted to share this burden with someone.

I saw his hand move across the table, reaching out to mine. I alternated looks between his face and his moving hand. Would I let him? He looked about as nervous as I felt. Like his heart was perched above a cliff. I didn’t want to pitch it down the cliff but… It had been so long since the last time. They al ended up getting someone that could talk. They didn’t have the courtesy of breaking up with you. I found out on your own. When you asked for an explanation, what did they answer? I knew I wasn’t normal. That I was a freak, that I was tainted. And nobody in their right mind would want someone like that. Aren’t you tired of getting your heart broken?

But I got the feeling that Sal wouldn’t be like that with me. How many more times will you let your heart be stomped on? None. Sal isn’t like the assholes from before. His hand reached mine and he intertwined our fingers. I looked at our united hands for a few seconds. Warmth seemed to radiate from our hands to my chest. I felt so stupidly happy. Happier than I had felt in years.

I looked back up to him, feeling very shy. I gave him a smile along with a gentle squeeze. Sal gave me another warm happy smile. I felt my heart skip yet another beat. God, he was gorgeous. This was no crush. This was serious attraction and affection. There was nothing I could do. He had me at his complete and total mercy.

We decided to leave the mall earlier than we planned. I drove back to our houses and parked outside of my house. All the while our hands were laced together. I loved every second of it. Even if driving like that was a bit hard. I turned to look at him. I didn’t know what to say or do. I really didn’t want to let go of his hand, much less say goodnight.

Our eyes locked like they did back at the pizza joint. The world fade away like it did that day in the music classroom. Nothing else existed except for Sal. I still don’t know who started to lean in first. When I blinked, we were mere inches apart. He was so close now. He smelled so good. My heart raced. I didn’t know where to look. His beautiful blue eyes seemed to draw me in. But his kissable pink and full lips looked so tempting.

I have to admit it this time: I was the one who leaned in the rest of the way.

I couldn’t help it. I needed to kiss him like I needed to breathe. I brushed my lips against his. A full body shiver went through me. I leaned in further and kissed him. It was small and gentle. I lingered loving the feel of his lips. But I felt no reaction from him. So, I drew back to look at him. Or at least that was the plan. He didn’t let me. He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into another kiss. This one lasted longer. There was less gentleness. And then I bit his lower lip. It was killing my not to do so. He gasped and my tongue barreled into his mouth, wanting to explore. I pulled back to take a breath to pause. But then either I kissed him again or he did. And we shared another kiss, and another and another.

When we came up for air, we were already at least half an hour late. We’d arrived about forty minutes earlier than planned. I winced when I saw the time. Sal followed my gaze. Took a second to react. And then he was a ball of movement. I knew the feeling. I’d probably get an earful for being late. Sal had Ash to worry about. He grabbed his bass and his shopping bags in a hurry. And I hurried too. All the while thinking that I’d go through the nine circles of hell for Sal’s kisses. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips and then ran to his house. I walked into mine with a sigh.

Both my parents were sitting in the living room with serious faces. Oh God. Was I in so much trouble?

“Oliver son, we need to talk to you,” dad said his tone slightly worried.

Oh. I was in deep s**t. I could tell.

“Yes, please sit down,” mom added.

I put my keys in the bowl on the table by the door. Left my bags on that same table. And went to sit in the loveseat across from my parents. I frowned, wondering if this was about me being late. I somehow got the feeling it was something else.

“We… We saw you park in front of the house more than hour ago Oliver,” mom said with a slight blush on her face.

Oh s**t. Had they seen me making out with Sal? Was that it? I blushed to what felt like the very roots of my hair. I so did not want them seeing me making out with Sal.

“And we saw Sal leave the car just now too,” dad added.

Yup, they’d been watching us. I felt like I could die of shame. It was so embarrassing to get caught making out in your parents’ car.

“We… umm… know you like Sal. We’ve known for a while now,” mom continued.

“We just thought we’d let you tell us in your own time,” dad added, sounding a little let down and hurt.

Oh God. They probably thought I didn’t trust them. But I did. I had sworn to tell them today. But everything happened today and now it was too late. They’d said it before I could. But my plan was to tell them. And I would’ve. They just didn’t give me a chance.

“It’s not that we mind you liking Sal, or anything like that,” dad said quickly. I think he noticed me turning paler by second. “And it’s not about you being gay.”

“No, it’s definitely not that. Sal is a good boy and if you like him, we’re okay with that,” mom said, nodding in agreement to my dad. “You can like whoever you want, so long as they’re good to you.”

“We just want you to be happy son,” Dad added, giving me a small smile.

Okay, so then, what was this conversation about? Because it still didn’t seem to matter that I’d arrived late. The focus was my being in the car with Sal. Were they angry that we’d made out in the car?

“But, as we were saying… It’s just that… We know you’re practically an adult and all, that but we just wanted to talk to you and make sure that you…” Mom continued turning red again.

Oh. I had a very bad feeling about this.

“We wanted to be sure you were being safe,” Dad continued, looking into my eyes. “When you’re with Sal.”

Safe? What were they talking about? What did I need to be safe about…? My eyes widened as realization hit me like a ton of bricks. They thought we had s*x! Oh God. My pulse grew out of control. My hands shook. I was so ashamed that my throat closed up. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to crack my knuckles. Calm down. You have to calm down and explain. They don’t understand sign language. You’ll have to talk. I swallowed several times but my throat didn’t want to cooperate.

I mean. Even I hadn’t thought about having s*x with him! Who are you kidding? You think about it every night. Well, yeah. But not in the damn car. And definitely not in front of the damn house. And either way, my thinking or not thinking wasn’t anybody’s business. Okay. So, it was Sal’s business, but he didn’t need to know about it just yet. I mean we’d only just had our first kiss. It was all so new. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t… We were…

“We just kissed.” The words pushed out of my throat on their own. My voice sounded lower, huskier. Stupid throat that closed up in the worse moments.

“You did?” Both my parents said at the same time. They stared at me like they couldn’t quite believe it. And now they were doubting me. Did they think I was some kind of s*x fiend?

“I swear,” I added. My voice croaked and broke. And I felt like crying and screaming. This was so embarrassing.

“So all this time. All this month. You didn’t…?” Dad said, turning a deep tone of red.

“You just… kissed?” Mom asked still not believing me.

God this was so embarrassing. They shouldn’t be allowed to dig into my life like this. I didn’t want to tell them the details. This was all because of a stupid misunderstanding. And that’s when I understood what I was feeling. I was completely humiliated. That was why I felt so upset.

“We only started going out today,” I croaked. I’d been so happy before. But now all that was gone. My eyes filled with tears. This was not how I’d wanted them to know.

“Today? So all this time you weren’t…?” Dad asked.

“You were just friends until today?” Mom asked.

I sighed and nodded again. The lump in my throat grew too big. My throat hurt. I wanted to just disappear into the ground. It was unfair that I had to give them so many details. I had been planning on telling them today. Under my own terms, with as much information as I wanted to give. But they’d taken that choice from my hands. My parents looked at themselves before turning back to me with sheepish smiles.

“We’re sorry about this Ollie. We were just worried about you,” mom said, coming over to hug me. I took a breath, trying to ease the tension in my body. Her touch comforted me a bit. But my chest still felt tight. And my stomach was still tied in knots.

“Yeah, we thought you two had already… Well… had s*x,” dad added.

I shook my head. The cramps in my stomach became worse. And then what I had said finally sunk in.

“Wait you started dating today? Oh Ollie, I’m so happy for you!” Mom said hugging me tighter. Then she returned to the couch and clapped happily.

“Yeah, Sal’s such a great boy,” dad added, looking at me with a smile.

I smiled back at them. It was a bit forced though. All I wanted was to go up to my room and lock myself there until tomorrow at least. They could be happy tomorrow. Right now, my mind couldn’t get over my humiliation.

I faked a yawn and they got the hint that I was tired. They told me that it was late. That I should to go to sleep. I went without complain. Once in my room, I felt like screaming in embarrassment. Instead I just got undressed, took a quick shower and went to bed. I was so tired I was almost asleep on my feet. Maybe it was from the talk with my parents. Maybe it because of my day with Sal. I had no clue. I couldn’t even be bothered with dressing. My last thought before I fell asleep was that Sal would laugh a lot. I was sure of it. When I told him what happened tonight, he’d cry from laughing too hard. Then I fell asleep, completely sure that my dreams would be filled with Sal. Not that I was complaining.

“Ollie?” I heard my mom yell as she knocked on my door.

I jerked awake, getting up to open the door before I noticed I was naked. I grabbed a pair of shorts from my damper and put them on. Then I hurried to open the door so my mother could stop knocking already. I opened it and I could only imagine what I looked like. My hair tousled with sleep, dry drool on my cheek. My eyes were half shut, puffy with sleep and with crust. My morning erection was probably very obvious. My mom gave me a once over and arched an eyebrow.

“Sal’s here to see you. You want me to tell him to come back later?” Mom asked.

Those were the magic words. They took a second to sink in. But then I was wide awake and alert. Sal was here to see me? God. I need to shower and brush my teeth at least! I was already undressing to jump into the shower when I remembered mom. I hadn’t ever answered her question. I turned to shake my head but she was already leaving.

“I’ll tell him you’ll be down shortly,” mom said, and I could hear the amusement in her voice.

I got into the shower brushed my teeth, and got dressed in record time. I slipped into my flip flops and practically ran down the stairs. I didn’t want to keep him waiting. Well, maybe I was excited to see him again. What I wasn’t so excited about was crashing into my dad. I would’ve fallen down the stair if he hadn’t caught me by the arm.

“Slow down!” Dad said with a chuckle when he was sure I was upright again.

I blushed and nodded walking the rest of the way to the living room. Better late than dead, I argued. When I came into the room, I saw Sal looking at the Azaleas. He’d done the same thing yesterday. He heard me come into the room and turned to look at me. His eyes widened a bit, but then he gave me one of his devilish smiles.

“I knew that shirt and those jeans would look better on you than they ever did on me.”

I was confused and then I understood what he meant. I was wearing the clothes Sal had given me the day I stayed at his house. I had tried to give them back to him. But he told me to keep them. And I was happy that he let me keep them. These shirt and jeans were kind of important to me. Which was the reason I never wore them. Stupid, I know. But if he liked the way they looked on me maybe I’d wear them more often.

“Flatterer.”

Sal gave another appreciative look over and his eyes danced with mischief.

“No, they really do look good on you, the shirt has a v neck which shows off the muscles in your neck and shoulders, and I can tell the jeans are just tight enough to emphasize the important things without strangling them.”

I couldn’t help but blush at that. Sal had been paying attention to my body. To my important things. Which were… I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to think about that. Not in the middle of the living room. And not in these jeans. I’d probably circumcise myself.

“Thank you.”

Sal told me it was no problem. He gave me one of his lazy smiles this time. I smiled back. My eyes took in his face. His gorgeous blue eyes. His pink lips. My thoughts strayed. I wanted really bad to kiss him. I looked around making sure my parents weren’t around. Nope, we were safe for now. I stepped closer to him and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. I pulled back and smiled at him. The true smile without holding back. Then I let him go quickly when I heard steps getting closer.

“Do you want to have breakfast Sal?” My mom asked.

“Yes, thank you Ally.”

Mom nodded and headed back into the kitchen. I turned to look at Sal with a blush on my cheeks and an apologetic smile. Sal laughed and waved it off. Then he grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together, and lead us to the kitchen. We sat side by side. My mother smiled and placed two plates full of food on the island in front of us. Sal stuffed himself like he usually did. I slowly nibbled on my toasts. I wasn’t a big eater. But I tried to eat a little more than normal to please mom. When we were done, Sal excused himself to go to the bathroom. Leaving my mom and I alone. Mom took the chance to interrogate me.

“What are you doing to do today? Are you going to stay here?”

I shrugged, not really knowing what Sal had in mind. Mom looked a little uncomfortable before she went on.

“Well, if you’re going to go up to your room, you have to leave your door open, young man,” mom said with an authoritative tone I had never heard before.

I nodded with a blush on my cheeks. We weren’t going to do anything for God’s sake! Right then Sal entered the kitchen again. I stopped him before he could sit down and ushered him up the stairs to my room. Once there, Sal looked at me like I was crazy and I sighed.

“My parents keep thinking we’re going to have s*x. They’ve been acting weird since we started going out.”

Sal turned a deep tone of red and looked somewhere else. Great, now things were awkward. I sighed and looked around for something to change the subject. I noticed the CDs Sal had lent me on my desk. The lightbulb went on.

“Oh, by the way, have you listened to your new CDs yet?”

“Yeah, I did and noticed that I took one of your CDs with me, actually I’m here to give it to you, or that was my excuse at least.” Sal felt the pockets of his hoodie. But even I could tell they were empty. He hadn’t been carrying anything when I saw him in the living room either.

“Damn, I left them in my house, I’m such a spaz, I’ll go get it and be back quickly.”

Before I could tell him it didn’t matter. That he could give it to me tomorrow in school. Sal ran out the door. I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head at him. He was such a contradiction some times. He was laid back about the most important things. But worried about the little things that didn’t really matter. Some would say it’s a flaw. But I didn’t mind it one bit. I had my own flaws. I was sure. But it was what made us special. We needed them to be ourselves.

I went to sit on the bench of my piano. I gently touched a few keys, goofing around. Not really trying to play anything. Maybe I could give him the surprise I had been getting ready today. It would be nice. He did love the band after all. And the song was so good. I started playing the song, kind of intending on a quick little practice. But I got caught up in the music. Why did it sound like something was missing? I took a deep breath and let the piano speak to me. What do you need? As I played the answer came to me. It needed another melody. An accompaniment. The song needed someone to sing. Or someone to play the melody of the singer. I didn’t have enough hands to play both melodies. So, I started to sing the lyrics. Let’s try this out to see if it works.

I started the song all over again. Then I took a deep breath. The words flowed out of me like my music normally did. There wasn’t much thought put into it.

When all of your flaws and all of my flaws

Are laid out one by one

Wonderful part of the mess that we made

We pick ourselves undone

Yes, it was working. The song sounded right now. There no problem with it now. All it need was a second melody to give it depth. To keep it company.

There’s a hole in my soul

I can’t fill it, I can’t fill it

There’s a hole in my soul

Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

Sal would love this. He would. I was sure of it. As soon as I found someone to complete the song with me. Would Em’s voice compliment the song in the same way? No. My music rejected that. Her tone wasn’t the right one. But then, what was the right tone? This one. The piano told me that the song was good just like this. But I didn’t know the first thing about singing. I didn’t sing, I played the piano.

All of your flaws and all of my flaws,

When they have been exhumed,

We’ll see that we need them to be who we are

Without them we’d be doomed.

So that was it. That was what this was about. My voice was flawed, yes. But so was my piano. And so was I. That hadn’t ever stopped me from producing beautiful melodies. That hadn’t stopped people from enjoying what I played. In the same way, my flawed voice didn’t take away from the song. In fact, my flaws fit perfectly in. My rough voice was the correct tone to compliment my original melody. I’d have to sing for Sal. It made my heart soar and then made me nervous. All at the same time. This was something new. Like my relationship with Sal. I would have to take a leap of faith. Trust in Sal. And I did. I trusted him so much already. This was inconsequential. A tiny speck in the big picture.

All of your flaws and all of my flaws

Are laid out one by one

Look at the wonderful mess that we made

We pick ourselves undone.

I played the final notes of the song and everything fell silent. Or it should’ve. When I stopped playing, I noticed I could hear another person breathing. I turned towards the door and there was Sal. He was standing by the door, his jaw slack and his eyes wide and surprised. s**t. He had heard me sing. Suddenly all my confidence flew out the window. My voice was horrible. My singing was probably even worse. There was no way he could like it. No matter what my piano said…

“Why didn’t you tell me you could sing?”

I frowned. Was he serious?

“Because I can’t.”

“What are you talking about? I just heard you singing. It was beautiful!”

What? Beautiful? My horrible raspy voice? He had to be tone deaf.

“What are you talking about? My voice is horrible. I’ve never sung before. That was the first time.”

Sal looked insulted. As if I’d insulted him personally.

“No it’s not. It’s low and rough and-”

“Cacophonous and horrible.” I completed the sentence for him.

Sal looked insulted again.

“No, that’s not what I had been thinking, I was actually going to say masculine and sexy.”

I couldn’t help but blush at that. Sexy? Masculine I could consider, but sexy? No way. Sal was just joking. You’d have to be tone deaf to like my voice. But I couldn’t help the flicker of doubt. Was he serious?

“You really like it?”

“Yeah! I love it, I really do, and it’s so sad because I almost never get to hear it, but that also makes it special when I hear it. I really don’t know why you don’t talk more often, or why you don’t sing for that matter, you got true natural talent.”

“I didn’t know I could sing. I’m only just finding out. You were the one to let me know actually. And I don’t talk because… it’s complicated.”

Sal came and pulled me up and off the bench. He dragged me over to my bed. He sat us both down and pulled me down beside him. My heart started racing. My thoughts were beginning to scatter. He looked into my eyes for a few seconds.

“I really like your voice, Ollie, I’m serious, I’ve… I’ve loved it since that first time you talked to me right here in your own room. Remember? That first time we talked, when we found out that though we were opposite we could be friends once we talked things out. You don’t know how much I adore to hear you talk, I think your voice is sexy and masculine and everything I…”

Sal didn’t have to go on. I knew that he had been going to say my voice was everything he wished his was. I leaned in and kissed Sal softly. My plan was to make it a gentle and short kiss. Something to reassure him. But Sal wrapped his hands around my neck and kept me right where I was. He nipped softly at my lower lip. I could tell he wanted to make the kiss deeper. I opened my mouth to let his tongue in. After that the kiss continued slow and sensual and driving me out of my mind. By the time we pulled away, we were panting. And we were both hard. There was no hiding that little fact. Focus Oliver. You’re not here to have s*x. You’d been talking about something important.

“You really like my voice?” I asked. My raspy and low voice sounded out of breath and even hoarser. Probably from arousal. Interesting. I didn’t know it did that.

Sal gave me a heated look that answered my question far better than words ever could. So that’s what he meant when he said he adored my voice. He meant that it turned him on. I hummed, lost in thought, and Sal shivered. He pressed against me and leaned in for another heated kiss. Wow. Sal was so sexy like this. It made my d**k hurt and throb. I wanted more of this. More of Sal.

And that’s just where we were headed. Until I heard steps coming up the stairs. We pulled apart immediately. I pulled my knees to my check, my erection protesting. Sal grabbed one of my pillows and put it on his lap. I grabbed one of the CDs and made as if I was examining it. Sal grabbed one of my books.

“Hey, do you boys want something to drink?” Mom asked, standing in the doorway.

I knew she had actually come to check on us. She wasn’t fooling me. The smart thing would be to tell her no. That way she wouldn’t come back for another while. But I was very thirsty. Both Sal and I nodded at the same time. My mom smiled, very pleased, and said she’d be back with lemonade. Sal and I looked at each other when she left. I couldn’t help but smile at him. One of those real smiles that still felt a little odd on my face. I felt so happy. I was so glad to have him in my life.

Right then mom came back with the lemonades. When she walked out, she left the door ajar. Sal put down his glass on my desk. I was going to ask him something. I don’t remember what. I just know that I forgot as soon as he turned back to me. His eyes were dancing with mischief again. He gave gave one of his devilish smiles. I barely had enough time to put down the glass too. He pulled me in for another kiss. No gentleness this time. At first, I was a little nervous about my door being open. My parents were right here in the house. They could come up any second now. But when he suckled on my lower lip, all thought flew out the window. The world narrowed. All that existed was Sal.