Unsure
2109 Words
"I'm too tired. I can't take it anymore."
"Gray," Lion grips the back of my head and looks me in the eyes with so much frustration I feel it deep in my bones, "You can. I know you can. You wanted this, remember?"
"No one told me how hard it was," I whine, pushing Lion to let go and walking backwards to rest on the ropes, "I didn't get any sleep last night, I haven't eaten and I just ran to the north border and back, have mercy. My whole body is shaking."
"Fine," Lion agrees, giving up. Maybe because I've been here four goddamn hours doing everything he asked me to do and not once getting distracted, "One last fight and you can go to sleep. And to eat. But only what's on your diet."
I scrunch up my face but I accept. I know I have to make a better effort than I've been doing if I want to go pro and win at least this Saturday. So, I accept his stupid fight.
Lion starts off soft on me, letting me hit him with a couple of weak hooks and explaining a bit between punches, but after a while he stops talking and starts destroying me. And I'm not ready for this.
"Hands," he yells, before punching me straight in the cheekbone, and I put my hands up to cover myself even though it's useless now, "You're not even making an effort, man."
"I can't move," I whimper, wiping the sweat that's dripping off my forehead, "Can we call this over?"
"No, we can't," he takes my head in his hands again and pats me lightly like he always does to get me to pay attention, "I need you to focus, to put everything in your head just on what you're doing. It doesn't matter if it's training with me or in the ring with Jake. You have to make yourself care enough to block out everything else. Whether it's hunger or sleep; a true alpha doesn't let that stop him."
But I'm not a true alpha, Lion, for God's sake.
"I do care," I mutter and cover my face, tired, hungry and sore. I'm starting to get frustrated.
Now when Lion lets go against me, I don't let him. I'm getting really annoyed and I'm not in the mood for him to keep hitting me. I block his every move and throw myself at him throwing punches left and right for the simple purpose of getting him to leave me alone.
Wow, that's always been my sole purpose in life, hasn't it? Getting people to leave me alone.
I finally have him cornered against the ropes and I make use of my right shoulder to keep him there while I try to drive my left fist through his body, not stopping even when I hear one of his ribs make a disturbing noise. He deserves the force I'm hitting him with, he deserves the pain.
I decide to take revenge and raise my hook to his face to give him a swollen, black eye like the one he gave me the night of the fight with Jake.
"Enough, new kid," Henry stops me, appearing out of nowhere, and pulls me backwards. Lion starts coughing when I let go and sticks his thumb in the air to let everyone watching us know he's okay.
"Can I go now?" I ask Lion, making him laugh. He nods towards me with a wince and I jump out of the ring without making eye contact with any of the guys.
There's no point, I'm not interested in them liking me anymore.
I don't even waste time saying goodbye, I head for the showers one more time because there is no way I can go through life this dirty. I know from experience that in less than ten minutes I'm going to start stinking like I haven't touched a drop of clean water in months.
Before I leave the gym after showering I see that Lion and Theresa are two pieces of clothing away from starting to have sëx in a small room that is supposed to be hidden, but the door is ajar. They are kissing like they want to eat each other.
"You should close the door. No one wants to see this," I mumble towards them and Theresa lets out a little scream. I don't wait for them to answer, I just get out and walk home as fast as possible, ignoring the pain in basically my entire body.
"What took you so long?" Bax asks me with a frown. He's sitting on the floor in the hallway.
"It was only ten minutes, Bax. I had a really heavy day and I don't want to fight," I mumble, opening the door and walking straight to the kitchen.
I don't have time to cook anything so I just start eating bread. Bread is protein, isn't it? I really have no idea. And I don't care. To lower the mass that is clogging my esophagus, I open the new bottle of milk and start taking big gulps.
"How disgusting..." Baxter mutters next to me with difficulty. And the food almost gets stuck in my throat.
Baxter has spoken only four times since his surgery seven years ago, and only to me. As you might imagine, it makes me feel very special, even though the words he has spoken are so unsentimental.
"How does my voice sound?" "I don't feel good" "I lost my virginity and my wallet" and now: "How disgusting."
I can't help but wipe my mouth, put the bottle of milk back in the fridge and hug Baxter even though he complains. There's still hope that someday he'll stop thinking his voice sounds horrible and start talking again. Not that I mind having to understand his signing because at this point I understand basically everything, but I seriously miss just... talking to him.
"I'm so proud of you, Fatty. You're..." I can't even finish telling him everything I feel for him because he pushes me and frowns even though he wants to smile. He holds up his hands and hesitates a bit like he doesn't know what to say.
"It feels weird and I sound like a broken machine" he points out, after a few seconds of meaningless hand waving, "I prefer the signs."
"And I'd rather spend all of Bastian's money playing poker, but that's not the right thing to do, is it?"
Baxter rolls his eyes and clenches his jaw, visibly annoyed by my behavior. To his bad luck, I took on the role of his mother years ago and nothing is going to make me change. He needs me.
"I can try," he promises in a very low voice, clearing his throat several times, "Maybe."
I hold up my thumb at him trying to act normal and walk back toward the still open refrigerator to pull out a bag of the candy Mid gave me yesterday, which is only a quarter of what I bought for her. Lionel has banned all sweets and junk food from my diet, but... I don't see Lion anywhere.
"Midnight will be here any minute," I inform Bax as we walk to my room. He rubs his hands together nervously, "Why are you nervous? I've seen you kiss omegas a thousand times."
"None like Midnight" he points out, letting out all the air "She's very beautiful and very honest. If she doesn't like it, she'll tell me."
"Don't worry, I'll make sure she likes it. But first, we need to fix this place to be romantic before she gets here," I murmur, biting my lip and looking around my room, "Have you ever done anything romantic, Bax?"
"I bought a teddy bear and flowers for someone once, but it didn't go so well remember?" he asks and I immediately laugh when I remember that. Bax was still fat back then and he had a crush on one of those popular girls, I told him he didn't stand a chance with her but he wouldn't listen to me, "Stop laughing."
"I'm sorry," I apologize, unable to control my laughter, "I still remember the pain and humiliation on your face when she said no. And when you cried, oh god, it was so funny."
When I realize I'm laughing at one of my best friend's most traumatic moments, I force myself to stop, catching my breath and trying to think of sad things. Unfortunately, nothing works and Bax has to endure about five minutes of my failed attempt to take control while I eat some gummies.
When I am able to function again, I get an idea.
I grab my phone and take a picture of what I have on my whiteboard before erasing everything with the sleeve of my special sweatshirt that I've worn practically every day since I first acquired it. Then I start drawing some hearts because nothing screams love and romance like hearts.
Baxter pokes my shoulder with his finger only for me to turn to him and I can see him say, "Those hearts are horrible. Think of something else."
"If you're not contributing anything, you don't have an opinion," I grumble, narrowing my eyes at him. They're not so bad to me, so they stay.
I write "Midnigh + Baxter = kiss" and then I attach my name below as if it were a differential derivative because I don't like feeling ignored.
And besides, I like to think of myself as a complicated potential transfer derivative, because no one understands them and everyone wishes they didn't exist.
And maybe my writing and my hearts are actually quite lacking in talent, but it's the thought that counts.
When we hear four knocks in a row on the door, we jump a little. Baxter swallows and tries to find a pose where he doesn't look uncomfortable, but fails. And I walk to the door but before I open it I dim the light to set the mood more sensually.
"Password?" I ask, sticking out only one side of my face. Midnight has wet hair and looks excited as she answers, "Vendetta," "Come in, Miss. Welcome to your love nest."
Midnight enters looking almost as uncomfortable as Baxter, but almost as excited as I am. A strange mix. I close the door and clear my throat as she walks over to the board and admires my work.
"This is..." she tries to hide it but I can see she doesn't quite understand what's in front of her eyes, "Nice."
"Thanks, it was a rush job but I think it looks good," I smile, admiring what I did. I turn to Baxter and silently motion for him to do something, but he just blinks and fails to move, "Well, looks like I'll have to do all the work."
"What do you mean?" asks Mid, looking at me with his big expectant eyes, "Are you going to kiss me, too?"
"No. Baxter, sit on the bed," I command, and he does. I take Mid's delicate hand and direct her until she's sitting on one side of him, then climb onto the bed too and sit behind them, "Now, do it."
But they don't do anything, just turn to look and smile a little. It smells like embarrassment, from both of them.
I think I'm going to have to smash their faces together to make this happen.
I make use of my poor signing skills and get Baxter's attention so he can see them "Do it. You're embarrassing yourself."
Baxter squints his eyes at me, but he heeds me. He moves a little closer to Mid on the bed and puts a hand on her waist. I can hear Midnight's pulse explode when he touches her. She stiffens and her shoulders go still as if she's stopped breathing.
"I regretted it," Mid suddenly blurts out, stepping back, "I'd rather not do this."
"The faster you get your first kiss and get used to it, the faster you can be with that person you like. Or with another one of the ten people you like."
"Yeah, I know. Really... but it feels weird," she whispers, looking down, "You're watching us."
"Am I ruining the moment? "I ask, in disbelief. I thought I was making everything hotter just by being present.
Baxter nods many times, the ungrateful bïtch. And even though I know I should leave, I won't.
I don't want to leave them alone. I don't want to leave them alone because then it'll be... like actually romantic. And I don't like that.
- Writer
