542 Days

7. Chapter 7

Chapter Three

Vertigo hit me the second I awoke. Almost immediately falling back into bed, I grabbed my stomach as I felt my body uncontrollably drop into a fetal position. My hand throbbed from being thrown into the wall the day before, and my veins craved drugs. My head pounded like never before, and my forehead dampened with droplets of sweat. My eyes filled with tears as I tried my hardest not to let them to drop. I hated myself for allowing this to happen. For permitting myself to be in this position. For losing all control of my life and everything around me. I wasn’t even able to make it to the bathroom. Finally, I steadied myself on the bed, leaned my head over the side, and vomited all over the floor.

My breathing intensified and the smell of my puke made me even more queasy. I felt the tears pouring down my face, I couldn't resist them anymore. There was nothing I could do, there was no one who could help. I was completely and utterly alone. Desperate, I whispered out loud, “Please help me.”

I almost jumped out of my skin when there was a knock on my door. I ran my fingers through my hair to fix it a bit. “Be right there,” I said as I struggled to make my way to the bathroom to rinse my mouth with Listerine. The taste of the mint flavored liquid hitting my tastebuds made me want to throw up again. I threw cold water over my face and carefully tried to fix my hair from looking too disheveled. As casually as I could I opened the door to see Josh standing there, dressed the same as he was the day before, except his joggers were black this time, his hoodie was red, and he had a backpack on. His mouth hung open, and his eyes scanned me up and down. Then, with his eyebrows raised, he said, “Now, normally, I’d comment on the atrocious smell coming from this room, but considering you greeted me in lingerie, I’ll let it go.”

I was still in shock at the sudden knock on the door, I had totally forgotten I was in my nightgown. “s**t,” I said as I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the room, shutting the door.

“Seriously though, what the f**k is that smell?” he asked as I went through my suitcase looking for an outfit.

“If you must know, I threw up over the side of the bed,” I said, pointing to the area I vomited.

“Ew, nasty,” he said, leaning over the bed, trying to get a better look.

“So why are you looking for it?” I asked, annoyed. “And what are you even doing here?”

“Better question, who’d you think was at the door when you answered it wearing that?” he asked, waving his finger up and down my body.

“I wasn’t sure.”

“You weren’t sure? So, you always answer the door dressed like this?”

I grabbed a pair of jeans and slid them passed thighs. “What exactly do you want?”

“I was going to go for a hike, and well, I thought that…” he paused for a minute as if he were thinking of what to say. “I thought maybe you could use some company.”

“So, you came to hang out?” I asked.

“No, definitely not here. It stinks. How does such a teeny, little person create such a horrendous odor? I don’t know what you ate, but it's vile.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re charming.”

He smiled at me, his dimple appearing. “Would you like to come for a hike with me?”

“I don’t know, I am really not into your kind,” I answered coldly.

“And what ‘kind’ is that?” he asked.

“People.” He let out a laugh.

“Oh come on, it will be good for you to leave this room. If you don’t like it, you can just come back.”

I nodded. “Sure, let me change into something more comfortable.”

“Hey, if you wanna hike in lingerie, I am cool with that,” he said.

“It’s not lingerie; it’s a nightgown,” I argued.

“If you don’t call that lingerie, I’d love to see what you do call lingerie,” he said, biting his lip.

I brushed my teeth quickly, changed into joggers and a tank top, and threw my hair in a ponytail. “Damn, you look good in literally anything,” Josh commented as I came out of the bathroom. I grabbed a sweatshirt and my room key before leaving.

“Thanks,” I said as we headed out.

“I called Joe for you and told him about your incident.”

I put my head down in shame. “So embarrassing,” I murmured.

“Cali, it’s day one in rehab. I’m sure the dude cleans vomit all the time. It’s normal.”

I turned around to look at him. “Is it?”

He put his hands in his pockets and walked a little faster. “Yes. It’s physical withdrawals. And it will get worse. You’ll vomit, you’ll shake, you’ll sweat. You’ll pray for death. It’s good to do physical things; try to keep your mind and body as active as possible, although it will be hard. Work out, hike, meditate. You’re an addict. Addicts substitute one addiction for another.” He knew it. He knew I was having a rough time.

“Is that why you asked me to go for a hike with you?”

“I hike every day,” he answered.

“That wasn’t my question,” I said.

He stopped and looked directly into my eyes. “Yes, that is why I asked you come with me.” As we walked through the development, I examined my surroundings. Everyone seemed acclimated and in their cliques. It was like they had their own society. A group of young girls sat at an outside table, eating frozen yogurt, and older teenage boys were on skateboards doing tricks. Josh puffed his vape, which made me light a cigarette.

“I have to say the place is pretty accommodating. A lifetime supply of cigarettes and a vibrator,” I laughed.

“You got a vibrator?” he asked, disbelief in his tone.

“Yeah, why you didn’t?” I asked sarcastically.

“No, not even a bottle of lube! Do girls really like those? Vibrators, I mean?” he asked.

“I’ve never used one,” I answered honestly.

My attention went to an older man, in some sort of yoga stance, doing what seemed to be a mediation practice. I motioned my head in his direction.

“Who’s the weird meditating dude?” I asked.

Josh shifted his eyes up to look at the man and shrugged.

“Oh, that’s the weird mediating dude,” he laughed. “No one really talks to him. He is always by himself. He never really says anything to anyone.”

“Where are your friends?” I asked as we reached the end of the development. He looked ahead at the trail and then back at me.

“Are you ready?” he asked as he opened the gate.

“Yes, I am ready.”

I followed him through the path, dirt, and twigs breaking beneath my feet. I wasn’t in as good of shape as he was, stumbling along rocks on the way. Walking uphill proved to be a challenge, and I found myself growing frustrated. My chest was heavy, and I was sweating. Panting, I finally barked, “Slow down!”

He stopped for a second and turned to look at me, taken back by my sudden outburst. “What’s wrong?” “Clearly, I am not as in good of shape as you are,” I said nastily. “You can do it,” he assured me. “No, I f*****g can’t!” I said, my voice now cracking as I was fighting back the tears.

My hands shaking, I leaned up against a tree for support and put my head down not to look at him. I was mortified. Why did I tell this complete stranger I would go in the middle of the woods with him in the first place after throwing my guts up on day one in rehab with an injured wrist? What the hell was wrong with me? I was definitely losing my mind; I was turning more and more into my mother every day, and it was scaring the s**t out of me. “It’s only a little further to the top, he said, extending his hand to take mine. “Come on, I’ll help you. It’s beautiful; you’ll love it….” “Don’t tell me what I’ll love!” I quipped, snapping my hand away from his. “You don’t know me! You don’t know what I’ll love! You wanna know what I’ll love? To be the f**k off this island! To be in my gorgeous apartment in the Upper East side, or even my one in Malibu, will suffice, not this crazy excuse for rehab.” Frustrated, I squatted down, leaned against the tree, pulled my knees against my chest, and began crying, no, not crying. Balling. Ugly, disgusting sobbing. Beads of rain started tumbling from the sky. I pulled my hood over my head. The water didn’t seem to bother him, as his hair got wet and liquid dripped down his face, and he squatted down to get to eye level with me and calmly said: “Cali, look up at me for one second, and then I’ll walk away I promise.” I looked up at him, crying so hard I could barely breathe. He continued in the same relaxed tone. He ran his fingers through his wet hair to push it away from his forehead, reached into his backpack, took out a thermos, and handed it to me.

“Here, drink some water. I’m not going to say I know what you’re going through because that is the last thing you want to hear. I hated when people told me that. But I’m also not going to leave you here because you have no idea where the f**k you are. I’m going to be by that tree, right over there,” he pointed to the left at a tree about a hundred yards from where I was. “When you’re ready to do whatever you want to do, and I mean whatever you want to do because I’m down for literally anything, that’s where I’ll be.” I sipped the water and watched him in amazement as he got up, walked over to the tree, and stood there so patiently, soaked. He was so calm and collected, so opposite from me. There was something so incredibly sexy about him, aside from his obvious good looks and demeanor, but how he was able to soothe me almost instantaneously without even touching me, just by talking to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had that type of control over me with his words, what kind of power he’d have over me with his touch. I was suddenly captivated by the notion of his hands on my body, his fingers touching my skin, his lips on mine, his facial hair scraping my neck as he whispered in my ear. He was like a d**g. Addicts substitute one addiction for another. At that moment, it occurred to me. Josh was going to be my addiction. I stopped crying and inhaled deeply. The rain stopped. I composed myself and glided my hood back off. I stood up and slowly made my way over to him. “You okay?” He asked. I nodded. “I think so. “You want to keep going?” He asked. “Yes, let’s keep going.”