Fading With Time

Chapter 4

Hidden Pain

                Groaning Elizabeth tossed her phone onto the bed.  She wasn’t going to be able to talk to Ryan for possibly a whole month.  In theory that wasn’t really all that long, but when she tossed the idea around it made her sad.  They had talked almost every day almost since the day they met.  Maybe a little time apart would do them some good.  Slow things down a little.  They had seemed to just jump right into a relationship without any of the groundwork being built.  It stung a bit when she realized that she didn’t truly know much about Ryan or his life before they met.  In the excitement of flirting, other things were overlooked and forgotten.  If they were really going to make a lasting relationship they would need to start back at the beginning.  At this point, fact finding seemed like a chore though.  She enjoyed just being with him without having to try.  In reality, how long would a relationship merely built on mutual attraction and fun actually last?  What Elizabeth needed to do was take this month-long break and work on her own issues first.  That way when they did sit down to really get to know one another she could actively participate instead of deflecting.  There was no better time to start then today.  It was her next appointment with Mason, and she needed to practice opening up about the things she required help with.  After the last session, Elizabeth was disappointed in herself.  She had gone wanting to start the healing process but had ended up talking about everything other than what she needed to say.  She needed to make an actual effort today.  If she didn’t the counseling sessions would be pointless.

                Rolling out of bed Elizabeth stumbled through her morning routine while she thought about everything that had led her to Crystal Springs in the first place.  She had to figured out where to start from.  As she pondered over the past few months her conversation with Ryan kept coming back to her.  At first, she chastised herself for getting off track and would yank her thoughts back to the problem at hand.  The more her mind drifted back to the phone call however, the more she began to think that maybe there was something she was trying to tell herself.  Instead of pushing the conversation away she instead started to dissect.  As she did, other words from the last month joined in.  By the time she was ready to head into town Elizabeth knew what she wanted to talk about today. 

                Elizabeth sat in Mason’s office waiting for him to get done talking to one of the various church groups that asked him for his opinion on a project.  She had assured him she would wait until he was done but was beginning to regret that decision.  As she sat there alone with her thoughts Elizabeth fidgeted feeling the time was slipping by too slowly.  She wanted to get the session done and over with.  When Mason finally opened the door to enter Elizabeth jumped startled by his entrance.  She was on edge after anticipating opening up old wounds.  She watched as he picked up his folder and a pen from the desk before joining her in the little sitting area.

                “What do you want to talk about today?”  He inquired politely while opening his folder to a fresh page.  Elizabeth looked at her hands clenched together in her lap as she garnered the courage to say the words that were stuck in her throat.  Mason waited patiently as he watched her from his seat.  He could tell that whatever she had chose for today’s topic was going to be hard for her.  Instead of pushing her to open up he gave her the time she needed to collect her thoughts.

                “I want to talk about family.”  She whispered barely finding her voice over the dryness that had overcome her. 

                “What about family?”  Mason asked handing her a glass of water.  Elizabeth took the offered drink gratefully gulping down the cool liquid before continuing.

                “Lauren thought that my draw to the Bennett history had more to do with their family and the fact that I yearned for one.”  She told him unable to meet his eyes.

                “Go on.”  Mason encouraged while jotting down a few notes.

                “At the time I half thought she was nuts and half thought she might have a point.  My family was once my mother, my father, my older brother, and a sister-in-law that was one of my friends from high school.”

                “And what is it now?”  He gently broached as he watched her try to fold in on herself with each person she mentioned.

                “Just me.  The only other person alive is my sister-in-law Nicole but we’ve become estranged since my brothers passing.”  She admitted hating that she sounded so weak.

                “The fifth friend.”  Mason observed.  Elizabeth nodded confirming his guess.  “How about we pick one of those to talk about today.”  He suggested not wanting to open her pain up all at once.  With so much loss it might be too much for her to work through all at once.  Elizabeth took a deep shuddering breath before continuing.

                “After talking with Ryan this morning on the phone I realized there is someone that I need to talk about.  I didn’t think it still bothered me, but apparently it must.” 

                “And your conversation made you come to this realization?”  Mason looked at her reading her body language.  Elizabeth finally lifted her blue/green eyes to meet his gaze head on in determination.

                “I met Ryan’s mother last night.  She came over with baby pictures and lasagna.”  Mason smiled as she told him this.  Having his own interactions with Ryan’s mother he could only imagine how Elizabeth’s evening went.

                “I’ve met Pam myself.  She’s a wonderful person.”  His words brought a genuine smile to Elizabeth’s face as she nodded in agreement.

                “I told Ryan about meeting her when he called this morning.  He was slightly mortified that she took it upon herself to introduce us.  I honestly loved having her over.  After I got off the phone with him it got me thinking about my own mother.  A few things over the last few months have reminded me of her actually.  Well not her really but the lack of her.”  At her confession Mason’s curiosity was piqued.

                “Lack of her?” 

                “My mother died when I was a toddler and to be candid here, I don’t have any memories of her.”

                “Can I ask how she died?”

                “Cancer took her when I was three.  I think the only thing that got my father through her passing was having to be strong for his children.”  Mason nodded motioning her to continue.

                “It used to bother me when I was little quite a bit.  When other kids got picked up by their mom’s at school I was picked up by a driver.  Other kids had birthday parties that their moms would throw them with cakes their mom’s baked.  My dad would hire a party planner.  When we had field trips or class parties other parents would volunteer to help.  My dad was too busy, and my mom was gone.  My friends would complain about how annoying their moms were about rules, or hovering, or embarrassing them.  I never had that.  While they would talk about them all I could do was sit and listen.  I asked my father about her at first.  He would never turn down a chance to talk about her, but I could tell that each time he did it made him sad.  Eventually I quit asking because I didn’t want him to hurt.  I could have asked my brother, but he hadn’t been much older than I was at the time of her passing.  His knowledge of her was limited by what he could remember which wasn’t a lot.  As I got older, I pushed passed the feelings of not having her there and concentrated on other things instead.  I thought I dealt with the pain.  I apparently just buried it instead.”  Elizabeth finished her confession feeling like a fool for not having known herself how she truly felt.

                “It doesn’t surprise me.  You would be amazed at the amount of people who ignore when something is bothering them until it goes away thinking that they were over it.  Eventually the problem does come back around.”  He told her letting her know she wasn’t alone.

                “So, what do I do?  I don’t know her, I have no way of talking to her now, I have no idea how to get passed this.”  She said bitterly regretting that she hadn’t asked her father more when she had the chance.

                “What happened to her things after she passed away?”  Mason asked throwing Elizabeth off kilter for a moment.  She mulled his question over for a bit trying to remember if she had ever seen anything more then pictures of her mother.

                “I’m not sure.  Perhaps my dad had them boxed away in the house somewhere?  There were plenty of rooms that I didn’t tend to visit because we just didn’t use them.”

                “Here’s what I would like you to do.  See if you can locate what happened to her things.  Did you sell everything from your father’s estate, or did you pack it away somewhere?” 

                “I had a moving company come in and pack up the whole house.  Everything was put into storage before I left.”  Mason smiled brightly at this.

                “Contact that moving company and have them bring all that stuff here.  If you don’t want it in your house, you can rent out a storage unit to place them in.  If you didn’t sell or throw anything away, then that’s where you’ll find remnants of her.  Work through it slowly though, don’t push yourself to deal with it all at once.” 

                “How will I know if anything belonged to her?”  Elizabeth asked already making plans for her family’s belongings to be brought to her.

                “You grew up with your father and your brother, so you’ll know what was theirs.  I suggest placing their things aside and just concentrating on what doesn’t fit.  Did your father ever remarry?”  Mason asked even though he was fairly sure of her answer.

                “No.  He always said he was too busy to date when someone asked him, or a woman would approach him.  I honestly think that it was because he never got over my mom.  The way he would talk about her made me believe she was the only person he would ever love like that.  I guess he didn’t remarry because he would never have what he had the first time again.  That’s just me speculating though I never had the courage to ask him the real reason.”

                “Then any woman’s personal affects you come across should be your mother’s belongings.  Were you planning on still going through the antiques in your house?”

                “Ryan is going to be gone for a month at least so I was considering waiting until he came back before picking that project back up.”  That was news to Mason, but it didn’t surprise him.  Ryan’s job often took him to other places and sometimes for extended periods.

                “Then perhaps take this time to go through your things.  You want to know your mother and I think you need some closure.  Going through her personal things should give you a feel for who she was.”  Mason suggested.  Elizabeth felt a bit of weight lift off of her as she began to realize she may not have missed her chance after all.  When she left Mason’s office, she was dialing up the company she used to pack up her family’s belongings.  She could have them stored in Crystal Springs, but her property was large enough she had something else in mind altogether.