BLACK HOLE

The beginning

I read the sentence on my note for the tenth time, as I tried to understand why the words just jumped at me and barely registered, I tried again and his face showed up, I knew I was in trouble and I got scared. I never intended for it to be this way, I didn’t want this sort of distraction.

I sighed and closed my eyes, his face came in again, and a flutter of memories. How we first met wasn’t as important as when I started to fall for him – The day he said hi to me, while we both hurried for revision classes three months ago. He barely talked to me but we both knew each other. I had a crush on him, but it had been in passing, I always thought his face was handsome, and his smile was the most beautiful.

Now I think back, that wasn’t the day that brought in the feelings. No it definitely wasn’t, because I configured my heart and mind after my last break-up, to catch any whirlwind romance at its tail and throw it out before I became as I was – distracted and stupid in love.

I smiled back that first day, but while in class; I pondered on why he said hi and hoped he wouldn’t do that, especially as I had a transient crush on him. The period we were in was one filled with exams to write, we were both in our fifth year in medical school, with one more year to go. We had to write two of the toughest exams in the coming weeks.

I went ahead to totally ignore him when I noticed it became a pattern, I would walk by him and he would say “hi” and ask how I was doing. We talked over similar movies as it seemed we shared the same taste in movies, but that was all I wanted it to be. I was fine with my two close friends and my single life.

We wrote our exams with grit and a lot of reading, I had never read like that in all my life combined. I read from sun up to sundown. I had been scared to fail - failing meant having to add the previous courses to the new ones which would be cumbersome. I didn’t need the distraction in the form of excessive kindness from my crush, which leads to closeness and then love.

He sent me messages, as before now we both had each other’s contact, and waved to me when he saw me from afar; I smiled briefly and barely answered the texts. I knew to tread cautiously with matters of my heart. It had betrayed my set values and principles in times past, so it couldn’t be trusted.

It was one week to the end of our exams, and we had to do orals, I had a major nervous breakdown and vowed silently not to come back to go through all of this again. He stopped sending the messages that period, and I felt better. I stayed the way I always stayed - alone. It was now three days to the announcement of results, in the same week we had written the exams. I was nervous and fell ill, so I distracted myself with movies and stayed in bed all day; surrounded by a bouquet of tissues. I stayed all by myself, as my friends had gone to be with their boyfriends. I didn’t mind this, as I had gotten used to it. It was exactly then, that my phone beeped. I should have ignored the text, in my queue of ignored texts from him. He wanted to know how I was doing, and I found myself texting back to say I was sick. He told me to get well soon with a smiley emoji. For some reason, I smiled too after I read his text.

Towards evening, I got another text. He wanted to come see me in my room since he was around. My roommate had stepped away to stay with a couple of her other friends, and I decided to let him come. It was awkward at first as he sat on my reading chair, we talked of what we were most familiar with – movies. I felt better, as I knew getting up close and personal was a danger sign for my weak heart.

I showed him movie trailers and movies I had seen, which we talked about in fine details. He came to my room around 6pm, and it was 9pm already, we both didn’t notice how time flew past. I knew I had to tell him to leave, but my roommate texted me at that moment to let me know she won’t be back. I had an idea at that moment – in a split second; I could let him stay and he would leave to his hostel by 6am if he wanted to. I didn’t even have to give him any cues, he stayed as he noticed I was really sick, we talked and extended our talking to up close and personal. We started to talk about family, hobbies, friends and exes.

I can’t remember when or how I slept, but when I woke up he was gone. He was gone but he left a text message telling me to get well soon, and hoping we could talk more as he enjoyed our talk. He was gone, but he had taken the tiniest piece of my heart away. I smiled for a full one minute, it felt unreal to me.

Our results were here and I lay in bed sick, I woke up to my roommate nudging me to check my results and that she passed. My head hurt and my throat felt sore, my eyes felt warm and I could barely open them. I was hot all over. My ailment had worsened from the previous day. I congratulated her and felt a cough come up my throat, I took my tissue and coughed into it, spitting out bright yellow thick mucus. My eyes watered from the bout of fever I had.

I took my phone out, and went to the page the results were, I didn’t know the outcome of what my exams were, but I felt I deserved the chance to pass from all the work I put in. Nevertheless, I got the biggest shock of my life in that moment. I kept staring at my phone, as it slowly sank in that I failed a course and passed the other one. The phone I was holding trembled in my hand and I tried to remain stable, I didn’t know how to react as I wondered what this meant. My sickness clouded my senses and I barely knew which emotion to give into;

Anger?

Hurt?

Sadness?

Bitterness?

I stared at my table just in front of my bed, and all the months of late nights, feeding on junk food, and studying sun up to sundown poured into my mind like scenes from a movie. My roommate looked at me, and her face showed confusion at my silence, then sympathy as she understood what had happened. The look of sympathy triggered the emotion I gave into; I gave into hurt and sadness, and a tear fell from my eyes.

News sure spreads fast in my college, it wasn’t up to a millisecond and different people poured in to sympathize with me, it felt like someone died as their words sounded like I was getting condolences. I always felt when you had good news; people came around to celebrate with you, and be happy for you. But that wasn’t true, most wins I had, didn’t have half the number of people that came to sympathize with me. I had fast transitioned into feeling numb, and stayed still on the bed that my body heat up so fast, as each person came to tell me ‘They were sure I would handle it’. It surprised me how they were sure, when I wasn’t sure I would handle it well.

It wasn’t long until he heard it. I had forgotten about the night we shared – the laughs and talk. All I was stuck with, was my life hanging by a thread as failing the exam again, meant leaving the college. Now I started to feel humiliated, I realized not many had failed, and most people I felt better than, also came to sympathize with me. Suddenly, I wanted to go home.

After the exams, I planned on staying back to be alone, to properly rest and find a part time work, but now I knew I had to go where I would receive love from my family, and that was home. Home was far, it wasn’t a place I could just stand up and leave to, except if I used a plane but I couldn’t afford a plane ticket. I decided to arrange my things and pack to leave the next day. I didn’t want to have more visitors, so I lay back in bed and stared at the wall. That was when I heard the knock on the door. I was tired and didn’t want any more visitors so I stayed quiet. My roommate had left the room to celebrate with her friends and I felt depressed. I then decided to have one more visitor; after I opened the door, there he stood. I was a bit apprehensive for a while as I heard him mutter “Hey” to me. I smiled weakly, and let him in. We sat awkwardly on the bed and he played with his hands, it looked cute. He had passed obviously and I had failed. He looked confused as to what to do.

“Do you want to go home?” He asked.

It seemed he read my mind. I wondered if he was a psychic.

“I do actually, but I would have to wait till tomorrow and I can’t spend one more day in this place” I blurted out. Then I stayed silent. We sat for a while, and he took out his phone.

“I’d like for you to have this plane ticket so you can go home immediately.” He said, as he showed me his phone. "I could drive you there while you board the flight, and then go to Abuja right? That’s where you told me you stayed the night I was here." He said.

I was stunned. It was too good to be true. I wanted to scream, and hug him but I stayed back, my lips and finger trembled like arrows in an archers’ quiver. I then hugged him and cried for a while. It was an immediate and spontaneous reaction but he responded by hugging me back - tapping my back gently.

I was in an airplane for the first time in my life and I almost barfed, funny thing is my motion sickness wasn’t nearly as bad as when I travelled by road.

I had packed almost immediately as he drove me to the airport. He was too good to be true. I watched his hands as he drove and when he dropped his left hand on the clover, I wanted to hold it but refrained. When he dropped me off at the airport, I knew he had bought half of my heart now. In my most vulnerable state, he had being my knight in shining armour and that meant everything to me.

Home.

Home was a beehive of activities – chores and errands to run. We chose to hide the news from my dad since I would still rewrite the exams. My mum and siblings cheered me up to fight another day. I was given so much care and warmth at home, and I was glad to soak myself in all of it.

Him.

There was no day he didn’t call; we talked through most of the days, me calling and him calling too, conversing on our social media platforms also. We grew so attached in a short while, and talked every time, whenever we could. We knew about each other by now. Slowly as I knew it would, feelings started to build on my part. All I wanted to do was to spend my time with him. He never asked me out, or gave cues; maybe he was bidding time, waiting for me to get back so we would physically meet. That’s what I thought as I submerged myself further and left my books to read themselves.

As the break we were given reached it's end, my whole body yearned for him. I was now totally into him, with no remnants of me left. I travelled by road as I went back, and had bad episodes of my motion sickness. We didn’t talk so much through the journey, but he had said he would like to see my face - that he missed me. When I entered the hostel, and I texted him I was back, he rushed to my room to see me. I smiled as I heard his knock – somehow knowing he was the one. My roommate was in, so we just smiled at each other and he didn’t hug me, but he sounded excited like a little child. We talked a bit and he said we’d see later. I sighed happily and started to arrange my things and clear the dust that had settled on some of my things.

The next day, I found my legs walking to his room, which I frequented a lot in the coming days. My aim for reading also changed, I read after our marathon lectures during the day, so I would spend more time with him at night as he lived alone. Somehow, we both didn’t want anyone to notice because class romance in my final year, was the least of what I wanted, but I was yet to know his reason for also being discrete as I was.

I stayed at his place most nights and chatted with him on my phone most days, it didn’t look like it at first, but he had started taking most of my time. I barely slept well as I had eye bags from being stressed and I felt sleepy in class – he on the other hand, seemed to be adjusting well.

On the second weekend after I came back, I was full blown attracted to him. I stared at his lips while he talked, and wanted to know how it would feel when it was on mine. I knew I needed to define the relationship as everything looked like it wasn’t guaranteed and my heart would be in absolute danger with that. I braced myself and decided to ask him these questions that plagued my mind.

“Are we friends?” I asked with a small laugh as I sat on his bed while he sat opposite me.

“Yes we are” he said nonchalantly. I remembered now, how he used to have this girl he put up on his social media who he was really serious with, it didn’t occur to me earlier, but I realized I had made a mistake, I wondered now as the sudden fear cloaked me, if he was still dating the girl and using me to adjust. I frowned and he stared at me when I did that.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice was laced with care, my whole being melted and I wondered why it looked like I was the only one with all the feelings.

“That girl…the one you always had on your social media feed, where you guys dating?” I asked with a trembling voice as I stared at my hands. He sat up properly and moved closer to me. “Okay, I know where this is going. We broke up last two months.” He answered me. It was a shock to me as to how relief wrapped around my ailing heart like a gift wrapper. I let out a small sigh. He then went on to tell me, how they didn’t see themselves doing the future together and he had been heart broken by it, but he had learnt to let it go.

“Do you like me?” I asked.

He looked at me, and brought me close to his body.

“I do, but with the breakup, I want ‘me’ time, I’m not ready to go into a relationship right now.” He said.

I stared at him in disbelief, and wondered how I misread the signs.

“So why did you become close to me?” I inquired.

“I just wanted to get to know you more.” He replied. His answer didn’t make sense, but I was far too gone.

I felt my heartbeat increase as my head started to properly think for me, I was stepping into a dangerous zone and I could leave now. If we blurred the lines, It would be disrespectful to me. My hands had a mind of their own, and didn’t follow my thoughts. They softly touched his skin, and when he asked if he could kiss me, it didn’t take a lot of convincing as my lips had a mind of their own. It was in that instant, I knew I had been played, but it worked. I didn’t know how to back out now.

I constantly came around and stayed with him, studied in his room and worked on my laptop. I had quickly adjusted to the nameless relationship – to our friendship with benefits. In my heart, somewhere deep down, I knew I had to end the whole thing at some point. I wanted to, but it felt like we were too attached now. He was kind to me, he gave me a lot of attention especially when I came around, I came around because he lived alone, so we had all the privacy we wanted. Whenever I was in, he barely allowed anyone come in, this made me feel he took our time together as special.

It wasn’t until the next day, that my friend sent me a picture of him with his ex. She came into town and they had stayed together in a hotel. After I asked him about it, he said we didn’t have any commitment. Apparently, she still had a hold on him. It was a shocking revelation but my brain had known all the while, from the time he said hi, that I was entering into a black hole – one in which there was little likelihood of escape.

The flutter ended as I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand and tried to snap out of it and study. I had ended things but I wasn’t the same. His face came back into my head with a smirk on it this time. I picked up my phone and wanted to text him that I could be whatever he wanted me to be for him, I started typing but stopped mid –way. I wasn’t that kind of girl.