After the Breakup

Day 1

I woke up the next morning, wondering what happened the night before.  Then reality started to sink in and tears started falling again.  

5 years and now it's over.  You just wake up and the person you are building your dreams with is no longer willing to share those dreams with you.  How am I supposed to continue with my life when all my plans included him? When my future always felt like I will have him by my side. How we will build a family together. How he will be helping me with the business I just set up and how I will help him with his. All those plans, dreams seem to be fading right before my eyes. It felt like I am walking on hazy zigzag road, not knowing what I will see as I go on. I feel lost.  

My chest feels heavy as if my heart has gone up my throat, making it hard to breath.  My head throbs in pain from all the tears that's been shed.  My eyes keep welling up, seemingly having a mind of its own.  I just want to stay there, all curled up in my bed with my eyes closed until I don't feel anything anymore.  

I just lay in bed curled up while I hug my pillow.  Hoping that the pain will go away but it seems that it is not going anyway.  I closed my eyes, not wanting to open it until he is back.  Can I just sleep and wake up when he wants to be with me again?  

Living alone and being the boss in my own company, no one bothers me and I don’t need to notify anyone about my whereabouts so I stayed like that all morning until late in the afternoon. My stomach had been growling for hours since I skipped dinner, breakfast and lunch but I still don't feel like getting up nor do I have any appetite. 

It's almost evening and it's getting dark inside my room, I stared at the ceiling trying to remember everything he said the night before.  Trying to recall the look in his eyes, the subtle signals, the body language, analyzing each and every detail to try to make sense of it, to find answers.  

We just had dinner that evening, everything seem normal except when he hugged me before leaving to go home. I always loved being held in his arms so I try to extend it all the time.  I always feel comfortable just standing there with my arms wrapped around him and his arms around me, as I lay my head on his shoulders.  Our goodbyes are often like that which normally last longer than we probably intended.  Sometimes, as we hold each other close he will pull back and look at me and shower me with soft kisses in the mouth, my cheeks and forehead while we look in each others eyes.  I love looking at his eyes, there seem to be so much tenderness there when he looks at me, it has that rather dreamy look in it as if I am a vision to behold.   

Last night, he pulled back and looked at me. His kiss lingered longer than normal. For some reason, it felt heavy, as if that kiss meant more than what it is.  It feels that it carries with it a burden, it feels painful. Then he held me close again and whispered "I am setting you free" .  I was surprised and unsure if I heard it right.    

I pulled myself back and looked at him, I looked at him, my brows raised and questioning look in my eyes.  Setting me free? Why? Free from what? I don't want to be free."What did you just say?"  I asked.  I wanted to make fun of it but I felt that this is not something to make fun of. 

He held me close again. I wanted to push him away but I just let him hold me, as if I know, inside of me, that this could be the last time he will be this close. He whispered "I will always love you but I have to let you go" Then he looked me in the eyes "Please believe that. It's you and will always be you but we need to part ways. I need to set you free."

Then he pulled away while I just stood there, dumbfounded.  I couldn't move nor say anything as I watched him walk towards the door and close it behind him when he left.  

Was he crying?  I never saw his eyes after that.  I just felt that he was walking with what seems to be the weight of the world on his shoulders after he pulled away and walked towards the door.  Oh wait, did he look at me before he closed the door?  Yes, he did and I know, from the look of his face and his eyes, he still loves me and I am not the only one hurting.