After the Breakup

Desperate for Answers

I must have been really exhausted that I didn’t realize that I fell asleep and woke up quite late the next day. It’s almost lunch time and my stomach seem to really need to be fed. I didn't eat nor drink anything yesterday and my head hurts with exhaustion, dehydration and hunger.

I still don’t have an appetite but I decided to get up and get something to eat.  I walked to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. I look horrible.  The dark circles around my blood shot eyes, messy hair and the tear stained face.  I don’t care though.  Why would I care about my looks now?  He left me even if I looked great, it will not change now that I look this bad, so messed up.   

I washed my face, as if trying to get rid of the emotions that’s starting to surface. I don’t want to think yet and my mind does not seem to be in the position to start thinking about anything.  It feels numb, like it’s almost blank and you can probably say this it what it feels like to be soup brained.  

I went to the kitchen afterwards, tried to drink some water to help clear my head. I opened the fridge to check on some leftovers.  I found some leftover pasta in one of the containers and immediately put it in the microwave.  I just stared at the timer as it counts down from 60 seconds, my mind blank.  Then the microwave bell rang and I almost got startled when I heard it. I opened the microwave and put the pasta on the counter, forcing myself to eat it.

I felt a pang of pain in my stomach as I started eating. It’s like my stomach is trying to get use to receiving food again, that, plus my heart seem to have grown significantly over the past day and blocked my throat and my chest.

I took about 3 fork full of pasta and it seems that I could not take anything more than that. I tried to drink at least a glass of water to flush out the acid that I know has been building up in my stomach because of all the stress and anxiety that I am feeling.

I decided to take a shower afterwards.  The sweat and tears just feel too sticky that it is adding to my discomfort and anxiety. I went to my closet and searched through my clothes to check on what to wear. At one corner, I saw the gray shirt that he wears whenever he sleeps over. On impulse, I took the shirt and held it close to me, closed my eyes and sniff on the fabric, trying to smell him. The scent that’s just him. I decided to wear it, allowing the sweet and painful memories of that scent to linger in my mind.

I turned the TV on just to hear more than the silence that has engulfed my place since yesterday. And maybe, to hear something else and make me feel that I have company before the loneliness start to creep in again. I lay down in my bed and took my phone from the night table. I decided to check his f*******: and i********:, maybe I can find some answers there.

I first checked on his f*******: account, looking for new posts since we broke up.  He didn’t change his status nor deleted any of our pictures.  If one will look at it, it will appear that we are still together and nothing really happened the other day. I looked at each and every comment and likes in all his recent posts and check on the profiles of the people, well, girls in particular, who are not familiar or those that I suspected to be interested in him at some point.  Nothing out of the ordinary came from that.  I checked his IG, and it’s the same. Like nothing happened and we are still together.

Why is he doing this though?  Why not delete our pictures? Why not change his status to single from in a relationship?  Why hasn’t he blocked me yet?

I decided not to work again today, I already told my staff yesterday that I will be out for a couple of days and for them not to disturb me unless it’s urgent.  Everyone in the company’s working from home so we don’t really have those face-to-face meetings - except every now and then during major projects or group bonding where we go to a cafe or some restaurants or resort to get together.

I spent my day checking his profile every once in a while and re-reading all the message exchanges we had over the past month. Trying to find any underlying meaning, trying to make sense of what is happening.  Why can’t I find anything? Did he just suddenly realize that he wanted to breakup that night? When, while having dinner? When we were kissing? When he was hugging me?  Is there a 3rd party that I don’t know about? Someone from work? Maybe one of his students? Or a relative of a student?

My mind seem to be shooting one question after another, obsessed to find answers but it only leads to one question after another as I cry at the thought that he is gone, that he already left me.  That there’s no more weekend dates to look forward to, no more surprise visits at my apartment. No more late night binge watching of Kdramas that I know he doesn’t really watch but he just loves watching me cry over it or go on a rollercoaster of emotions in one episode while I rest my head on his chest.  No one will criticize my work in a way that only he can - with the harshest, most honest criticism but at the same time, making me feel that he is my number one fan.

Again, I checked his profile and the profiles of the women who commented on his posts or used the heart emoticon, trying to see if he also used the heart emoticon in their posts or if his comments are somewhat flirty or that it seems that they were having some private conversations in messenger or IG direct.  But nothing…. he still appears to be the most loyal and committed guy I know.