After the Breakup

See You Soon!

I started packing my stuff after he left, trying to keep myself busy so I won’t have to think about what happened.  But how can I stop thinking about how he kissed me? I have only kissed one man before, that’s my ex Mark. How can this one feel different? Can I say it’s more passionate that it leaves me longing for more?

We didn’t get to watch any movie anymore.  After he kissed me, we just stayed in the couch, cuddled for a few minutes then he kissed my forehead and said goodbye. He said he will pick me up tomorrow. Just the thought of seeing him again is making my heart skip a beat.

I bought quite a lot of stuff that it’s hard to fit them inside my luggage so I had to arrange, then rearrange just to make them fit in that I ended up tired and fell asleep immediately.  Or maybe I got a little stressed over what happened. Not saying that the kiss wasn’t great.  It is.  But then, here I am again.  Is it just a fleeting thing? Are my emotions just heightened because I’m on a holiday and have just gone through a breakup?  Will I end up being unfair to Khalil, if he really feels something for me? Is he just a rebound? I know that I still love Mark, 5 years of loving him does not end in 2.5 months.  But I think I am old enough and would like to think that I am also mature enough to know that I also feel something for Khalil.  It is definitely not love but it is worth a try.  

I woke up with a mixed feeling of excitement and sadness. i will be seeing him again in 2 hours but I will also leave him a few hours after that. I took a shower and slipped on my powder blue button down long-sleeves shirt, dark skinny jeans and black midcuts. I half-tucked my shirt and folded the sleeves to a little below my elbows.

He arrived a little before 8am, as usual, but this time he didn’t bring coffee or any breakfast with him.

“Ready?”

“Yes”

“I want to have a proper breakfast on your last morning here so let’s have one at my hotel” He stated as he took my luggage and rolled it to the door. I followed him outside, locked the door of my bnb and left the key at the vault outside. All the while, my heart beating fast with anticipation, excitement and nerves.

He booked an Uber to bring us to the hotel. He held my hand as we waited, while holding my luggage with the other one.  For some reason, I feel some restraint in his actions. It’s like he’s holding something back.

It didn’t take long for our ride to arrive and his hotel is not too far from my bnb so it was a short ride.  We arrived at the hotel after about 15 minutes. The hotel is not too big but it looks cozy with chairs of different colors arranged at the waiting area near the reception. It is minimalist but homey.  He took my luggage to the reception and just asked the receptionist if we can leave it there until I leave later in the afternoon.  The receptionist took the luggage to the storage and gave us the claim stub for later.  Then we headed to the restaurant for our breakfast.

It’s a buffet, just like most hotel breakfast. We went to the sitting area at the balcony so we can have some sun, privacy and the view of the road outside. There’s a line of metal tables for two and at the corner, there’s a couch that can sit two people which looks really comfortable so we sat there instead of the metal ones. There’s not a lot of people so we had that entire balcony area just for us.

We both took some bread and coffee from the buffet. Same thing we use to have, but it is quite nice to have breakfast in a place like this compared to having it in my bnb. The view and the setting makes it more of a proper breakfast than what we had over the past 2 days.  And though the food from the convenience store is good enough, nothing beats freshly baked bread and freshly brewed coffee.

We sat side by side at the sofa as we eat our breakfast, not saying a word to each other until we finished our meal.  Then I decided to rest my head on his shoulder as we sat there, just enjoying that quiet morning. He put his hand on my head and played with my hair while kissing my hair every now and then. We did not say anything, we just stayed that way for a while until we decided to go up to his room.

“Want to go up to my room so you can rest?

I nodded, with jitters creeping inside me.  We headed to the elevator and went up to his room. The room is not that big but just the right size. Most rooms in Japan are actually smaller.  It looks cozy with its two twin beds, a couch and a small table near the window.There’s also a big flat screen TV hanging on the wall.

I went straight to the couch when we entered. Placed my bag at the side and sat comfortably.

“Don’t you want to lie down and take a nap?” Khalil asked as he sat at the side of the bed, looking at me

“Maybe just sit here for a while. Come sit with me?”

He walked towards the couch and sat beside me.  Then I rested my head on his shoulders again and wrapped his arms around me.

“ I want to stay like this for a while” I whispered

He hugged me tighter and kissed the top of my head.

“I think I will miss this. I will miss you” I said as I squeezed myself closer to him

I closed my eyes, trying to take note of how it feels having Khalil hold me like this. Having him beside me.

He didn’t move. He also just held me close.  I wonder what he’s thinking so I pulled back to look at him. Then I saw him looking at me intently. His eyes drowning me and inviting me to come closer, to look closer until our lips touched again.

His kiss feels different today. There’s hunger, longing and so much passion that leaves me feeling weak and helpless in his arms, drowning in my own emotions. He held my face with his hands, taking our kiss deeper. I ran my fingers through his hair as I kiss him back until we are both out of breath.  

He pulled back again and looked at me.  He lifted my chin we are facing each other again.

“Kate, I like you and honestly, I want to do more than kiss you. But I respect you and I don’t want us to do anything that I know you will regret. I don’t want you to leave regretting your decisions during this trip. Regretting that you ever met me.  I want to know you more. I want to be with you more.

I felt every word that he said that. The pain, the longing, the holding back.  I feel the same, I feel everything that I reached out to him and gave him what is probably the warmest hug I can ever give. Then I held his face and gave him a short, heartfelt kiss.

“Thank you” I said, with it every emotion and everything I am feeling at the moment.  

“Want to take a walk for a while? Maybe you can already do some shopping at Shinsekai?”

I stood up and held his hand as we went outside.

We went to the market street for my last minute shopping. I also bought another bag since my luggage is already full and I still plan to buy more things at the airport.

We walked and shopped for a while until lunch.  

“Want room service for lunch?”

“Great idea” I answered, feeling a bit tired after that short walk. I want to take some rest before leaving for the airport since it’s going to be an overnight flight.

We went back to the hotel, ordered some food and sat the couch while we wait. I guess we have already released some of the nerves when we went out so we feel more relaxed now. We turned on the TV and just let it play on the background as we had our lunch.  

“I need to tell you something” He said as he turned off the television, looking rather serious.

I just looked at him, asking him to continue as I feel my chest starting to feel tight again in anticipation.

“You know that I’m a Muslim, right?”

I nodded

“It is not really right for us to date someone and a relationship with a woman is not really allowed unless we are getting married”

“Okay?” I said, feeling more nervous about what he’s about to say. So what now? What will happen to us? He just said that we will be in touch.

“I would want us to get there someday but right now, I just need to let you know that I cannot let my family about you yet. There may be times when I won’t be able to answer your calls or messages when I am with them. It’s not that I don’t want to but it will be a bit complicated if they do find out about us”

I felt relieved but the thought of me being kept a secret still stings a bit but I ended up saying “I understand”

He took both my hands and wrapped both his hands around mine as he continues

 “There may be some cultural differences we will have to deal with, plus the long distance but promise me you’ll try? That we will both try”

I took my hand from him and held his face as I nodded

“Yes, we will both try. What we had over the past days, I think it’s worth the try”

“I will surely do everything I can to visit the Philippines in two months or less” He said, now smiling at me.

Then he stood up from the couch, lifted me up and put me to bed.  He removed my shoes and put the blanket on top of me.

“You better take a nap. It will be a long trip home”