OCEAN EYES

Break even

I can tell from his eyes that his apology is sincere but for now I need more than that. I walked in on him freaking out, shouting and shaking like he was having a convulsion or an attack. I was afraid that I didn't know what to do and then when I kept calling his name, it was like he was not even hearing me or I didn't exist. It scared the s**t out of me. I don't think I am over that episode even now.

I invite him in my room and I am glad it is not that disorganized. Callum hesitates but nevertheless enters following behind. I sit on the edge of the bed and pat for him the space near me. If it was in other situations, this would totally be a bad idea.

"Where do you want me to start?" he asks after a sigh. I am beginning to understand that this is hard for him. Is it about something that happened in the marines? This reminds me of the scars on his back and arm. Is it connected to something to do with them? I am curious now and I need something to work with here.

"What happened to you out there? Were having an attack or something? Jesus. You freaked me out." he averts his eyes from mine to the floor. The expression in his eyes says it all, it is a hard thing for him. May be I shouldn't push it.

"It's okay if you don't want..."

"I do." he blurts.

He seems to realise my shock at his outburst.

"I want to tell you about it." he mutters calmly. I nod tightening myself for this break out.

"I was having a panic attack and I am sure if you didn't find me soon, I don't want to think about what would have happened." he huffs glancing at me maybe to read my expression. Whatever he means by that, I don't think I want to go there.

"Does it happen often, the attacks?" I ask curiously.

"It was not like this in the beginning but then it worsened later when I couldn't fight the pain." The way he explains makes my heart ache for him. God knows the pain this man has gone through for those six years.

"Do you want to talk about what happened? What caused this pain?" I push my luck even when I know he is on the verge of a break down.

"Yeah." he nods. I admire his bravery now.

"It was maybe three or four years after I recruited and we were in a small village called Ab Daw in Afghanistan. There was this group of terrorists that called themselves Al-Shakur hiding there with hostages. We knew they were dangerous but one way or another we thought we were closing in on them."

His face is hard and sad and I want to pull him in my arms and tell him that it is okay even though I know it is not.

"It was a set up. I was with my partner also who was my best friend. His name was Jay. Those f*****g murderers shot his brains out. He had a family and he was just twenty." Tears flow down his cheeks and I help wipe them.

It is also hard to see this big brave man break in front of me. I am having a blurry vision now. I can't imagine how it must have been. He saw his friend being murdered.

"You can stop.."

"They shot at us, bombed us and I saw them murder those hostages one at a time in front of me like they were freaking cows. I wanted to save them but I had two of those men with f*****g riffles pointed at my skull. Everything feels like it just happened yesterday even when it has been years." he sobs quietly and this time I don't hesitate to pull him closer and embrace him tightly.

"It must have been hard." I murmur in a hoarse voice.

"The hardest time I have had. Those dreams just can't go away however many therapies I have gone through." he sobs more.

"I am sorry." I whisper wiping away my tears. Callum pulls away from the embrace avoiding my gaze.

"I should be the one saying sorry. f**k, I am full of shit." he shoots up from the bed. The frustration is kicking in. He feels disarmed now he has told me. I don't think he is full of s**t though.

"Callum,"

I follow him stopping him before he opens the door. If there is anything I can do to stop the pain, I will gladly do it. I just don't want to see him like this, broken and disoriented.

"You are not full of s**t. You were brave back there and I know those people think so too."

"You don't know about that." he mutters dryly.

"I know how it feels to blame yourself for all the s**t that has happened in your life, trust me when I tell you its the worst place to be. I just think maybe we grow over somethings but they never go away, that is for sure." I take his big hand in mine which feels silly but I do it anyway.

"I am here with you Callum. They are just bad memories and you don't need to let them get to you." His gaze on mine is intense and I should stop talking but I don't. I want to assure him that he is not alone in this.

"Thanks for hearing me out Carol. It means a lot." he beams sadly.

"Always. I just wish you don't freak out on me again or else I might have a heart attack myself." I beam a little making his face break into a faint smile too.

"All you have to do is give my inhaler which I always walk with except today or my pills in the drawer." he replies.

"You have pills?" It comes out more like a statement than a question.

"My therapist prescribed them for me. Pop one or two before I sleep or when I have a panic attack."

It is actually worse than I thought. I feel bad for him and the only logical thing that comes to my head is step on my toes and embrace him. He tenses at first but then gets over it after a few seconds and pulls me closer to him. We both need this now after the long night.

I have lost track of how long this embrace has lasted. Perhaps the both of us are loving this closeness more than we should.

The truth is maybe it has been a minute or two but somehow I don't want to let go. I want to be there for him, with him, protecting him from his fears. Ridiculous as it sounds, I want to show him that he has me.

Callum pulls away and stares into my eyes, his eyes drinking me in reminding me of the s****l tension we had earlier. I still can't get over the fact how his eyes change colour each time. They look darker now with a hint of something wild and wicked.

He is staring at my lips. Is he thinking about what I think he is thinking? I just hope I am reading him right. Wouldn't want to get my hopes up when he is clearly not interested. I lick my lips nervously feeling my body grow hotter under his scrutinizing gaze.

He leans closer, his breath more laboured and eyes darker. I am sure his actions are mirroring mine. It is what I could think of after putting that show for him. I had known he was listening but when I heard a strangled groan and my name, I knew he had repeated the same thing as the other night but this time, I was getting off myself too.

Thinking about it, we are like two horny teenagers.

"I just hope you don't hate me tomorrow." I hear him murmur before his lips claim mine hard and rough.

Teaser:

"I want to hear it. f**k, I want to hear you scream my name so loud while I make you come."