Asphalt Moon

Chapter 15: The Quiet Between

We walked for two days.

The mountains were unforgiving. Steep slopes. Loose rocks. Cold nights that bit through our jackets. We didn't talk much. There wasn't anything left to say.

Nellie walked ahead with Damon. She'd stopped crying. Now she was just quiet. That scared me more than the tears.

Damon's dog stayed close to her. Like she knew Nellie needed company.

I walked behind them with Cade.

He'd been quiet too. Not the comfortable kind of quiet. The heavy kind. Like he was carrying something he didn't want to share.

I watched him as we walked. The way his jaw was tight. The way his eyes kept scanning the trees. The way his hand stayed on his knife even when there was nothing to fight.

"Cade," I said.

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me."

"About what?"

"Anything. Everything. You've been quiet for two days."

He didn't answer. Just kept walking.

I grabbed his arm. Stopped him.

"Cade. Please."

He looked at me. His brown eyes were tired. Dark circles underneath. His face was dirty. His hair was longer now. Messy.

"I'm scared," he said.

"Of what?"

"Of losing you." He pulled his arm free. Started walking again. "Carmen died. Joel died. Your mom died. Everyone around you dies, Lena. And I keep thinking... what if I'm next?"

"You're not going to die."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do."

He stopped. Turned to face me.

"How? How do you know?"

I didn't have an answer.

"I just do," I said.

"That's not good enough."

Cade walked ahead. His boots crunched on the gravel. His shoulders were hunched. Like he was carrying the whole world.

I watched him go.

And I felt something c***k in my chest.

Not the wolf. Something else.

Something human.

We stopped at dusk.

The trail opened into a small valley. A creek ran through it. The water was clear. Cold. The trees were taller here. Pines and oaks. The sky was purple and orange.

Nellie sat by the creek. She took off her boots and put her feet in the water.

"It's freezing," she said.

"Then why are you doing it?"

"Because I want to feel something."

Damon sat on a rock. His dog curled at his feet. He was watching the treeline. Always watching.

I walked to where Cade was sitting. He was on a fallen log. His back was to me.

I sat beside him.

"You're still mad," I said.

"I'm not mad."

"Then what are you?"

He was quiet for a long moment. The creek burbled. Birds called in the distance.

"Terrified," he said. "I've been terrified since I begun to have feelings for you."

"That was six months ago."

"I know. Six months of being scared."

I didn't know what to say.

Cade turned to me. His eyes were wet.

"I'm not a wolf, Lena. I can't shift. I can't heal fast. I can't do anything special. I'm just a guy with a knife who loves a girl that everyone wants to kill."

"Cade…"

"Let me finish." His voice cracked. "I've been in the background for so long. Watching you fight. Watching you bleed. Watching you lose people. And I can't do anything. I can't save you. I can't protect you. I can't even…"

He stopped. Looked away.

"Can't even what?" I asked.

He didn't answer.

I reached out. Took his hand. His fingers were cold.

"Tell me."

He looked at me. His face was open. Raw. Like he'd taken down all his walls.

"I can't even tell you I love you," he said. "Because every time I think about it, I think about losing you. And I can't…I can't…"

He stopped. His chest heaved.

I pulled him close. Wrapped my arms around him. His face buried in my shoulder.

"You're not going to lose me," I said.

"You don't know that."

"I know that I love you too."

He went still.

"You do?"

"Of course I do, you idiot." I pulled back. Looked at him. "You've been there for me since day one. You followed me into danger. You fought wolves. You bled for me. You never once asked for anything in return."

"I just wanted you safe."

"I know. That's why I love you."

He stared at me. His lips parted.

Then he kissed me.

It was different from the other kisses. It was desperate. Hungry. Like he was trying to memorize the feel of me.

I kissed him back. Just as hard.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't mean to…"

"It's okay." I wiped his tears with my thumb. "It's okay to be scared."

"I don't want to lose you."

"Then don't. Stay with me. Fight with me. Be with me."

"I will." He grabbed my hands. Squeezed. "I swear I will."

The creek burbled.

The sun set behind the mountains.

And for a moment, the world was quiet.

Later, we sat by the fire.

The others were asleep. Nellie was on a bed of pine needles, her head on Damon's dog. Damon was leaning against a tree. His eyes were closed. But I knew he was awake. He was always awake.

Cade sat beside me. His arm was around my shoulder. His body was warm against mine.

"I was thinking," I said.

"Dangerous."

"About after. If we survive this."

"We'll survive."

"How do you know?"

He looked at me. His eyes reflected the firelight. "Because I'm not losing you. I said that already."

"I know. I'm just…"

"Scared?"

"Yeah."

He kissed my forehead. "Me too. But we're together. That's what matters."

I leaned into him. Closed my eyes.

"We need to talk about the altar," I said.

"Do we have to?"

"Yes."

He sighed. "Fine. What about it?"

"When we get there, I'm going to destroy that blade. And I need you to keep the Circle off me."

"I can do that."

"Even if it means.."

"Don't." He turned my chin to look at him. "Don't finish that sentence."

"Cade.."

"I'm not going to die, Lena. And neither are you. We're going to get to that altar. You're going to destroy that knife. And then we're going home. Together."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He kissed me again.

And I believed him.

The fire crackled.

The stars came out. Bright. Cold. Infinite.

I looked up at them. The same stars my mom had seen. The same stars Carmen had seen.

I wondered if they were watching. If they could see me now. If they were proud.

"I miss them," I said.

"Who?"

"My mom. Carmen. Joel. Everyone."

Cade's arm tightened around me. "They're with you. In here." He touched my chest. "And they're fighting with you."

"I hope so."

"I know so."

I closed my eyes. The fire warmth. Cade's heartbeat against my ear.

"Lena?"

"Hmm?"

"When we survive this, I want to take you on a real date. No fighting. No running. Just us."

"What would we do?"

He thought for a moment. "We'd go to a diner. A real one. With milkshakes and fries and those little jukeboxes on the table."

"You're describing a fifties diner."

"I like the fifties."

"Are you secretly from the past?"

"Maybe." He grinned. "But you love me anyway."

"I do."

"Even though I have bad taste in diners?"

"Even then."

He kissed my hair.

I fell asleep like that. In his arms. The fire crackling. The stars overhead.

And for one night, I wasn't scared.

I wasn't alone.

I was loved.

In the morning, we kept walking.

The trail got steeper. The trees got thinner. The air got colder.

But Cade was beside me. His hand was in mine.

I looked at him. His face was tired. But he was smiling.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing. Just... I love you."

I smiled back. "I love you too."

Nellie threw a pinecone at us. "Get a room"

"There aren't any rooms," I said.

"Then get a cave."

"There aren't any caves either."

"Then get your own emotional moment. Some of us are trying to brood."

Damon's dog barked.

I laughed.

It felt good.

For the first time in weeks, it felt like we might survive this.

The altar was close.

I could feel it.

The blade was heavy in my pack.

But Cade's hand was heavier in mine.

And that made all the difference.