A song for him

Chapter 12

Roan's PoV

She’s f*****g devastatingly beautiful and I can’t even touch her.  She’s haunted my dreams for days now and then here she is, at the awards evening I was wishing I could share with her.

She doesn’t even say anything, but then sings a song that I know is about me.  How the f**k do I reply to that, Dillon?

Jill disappears right after she performs and is probably giving her hell.  Maybe she deserves it, but when I see her leave the hotel, it takes everything I have, not to run up to her and kiss her.  Just kiss her and not stop, but I won’t.  I don’t.  She looks so sad and a part of me feels great about that, but I just want to fix her.

“Happy?”  Jill asks when she finds us in the foyer.

“What?”

“I told her to leave you alone.”

“Mind your business, Jill.”

“Roan.  She left you.  For a career she doesn’t even like.”

“Guys.  Not here.”  Mike says.  He turns to Jill, “Babe, I know you meant well, but I also know you need to leave those two alone.”

I feel like a caged animal and need to get out of there.

Fuck this.

Jordan is freaking out.  He has mid-terms coming up and he can’t deal with his girlfriend’s nagging.  He wants to come to Benton for the weekend to study.  I feel sorry for the kid, but I am in no mood to be around anyone.  f*****g Mike.  Hiring Dillon again.  When I call Jill up, she thinks its great and says Dillon isn’t here to bother me.

I am pissed.  Why is she back here?

Jordan messages me again.  What does she want?  I answer my brother’s text.

*Sure.  You have a key.  Come up whenever.*

*Great.  Steak dinner Friday?*

I have plans with Mike, but relent, *Yeah.*

The three of us could head out for dinner.  I’m sure Mike is past my baby bro making out with Jill.

Making out.  Its so juvenile.  I wouldn’t mind getting juvenile.  f*****g problem is, I keep seeing her face in the papers, or hearing her on the radio and she’s the only person I would want to do it with.

“You sad bastard.”  I say to myself in the mirror.

We’re having whisky at the cigar lounge in the Callum Hotel and I feel a bit nostalgic.  It was when she came running out of the hotel and stood at the entrance, just staring at me, that I knew I loved her.  I knew I had lost then and there.  Dillon Tate had my heart and I knew she would break it.

“Hey.  Snap out of it.”  Jordan says, nudging me.

“What?”  I look at him and Mike and notice the waiter is waiting for my order, “Uh, get me another Scotch please.”

“Ginger ale for me, thanks.”  Jordan says.  I’m proud of him.  Kid’s done good.

We finish up and head inside once our table is ready.  I down a couple more whiskies and call for a round of shots for Mike and I.  He’s happy to be out the house and kids that Jill has him by the balls lately.  I don’t doubt this is true for one second.

I’m feeling pretty confident after my fifth or sixth glass and hit on a passing waitress, only to be told she would rather eat dirt than go out with me again.

“Oh s**t.  Was that Miss Mouse?”  Mike laughs.

We both end up laughing so hard, I fear we may get kicked out.

“Guys.  I think I should take you two home.  Mike, you can take one of the spare bedrooms.  I don’t think Jill will like this.” Jordan motions with his pointed finger between Mike and me.

“No, Jill won’t.”  her voice is strained and she’s got her arms folded.  Its Jill and Dillon, cowering behind her.

I don’t think twice and get up, not in the least bit unsteady, “I’m out.”

Not dealing with feelings tonight.  No way.

She still says nothing.  No surprise there.

“Breakfast, losers!”  Jordan calls from the kitchen.  He’s made himself useful and cooked the Sandusky hangover cure.  The smell of coffee filters through the house and has me up.

Mike strolls in, looking like a million bucks and ready to leave.

“Where are you off to?”  I ask him.

“Man.  Having a girlfriend is full time f*****g job.  Also, I know how Jill loves me when I’m sucking up.  So, I’ll take one of those Dagwood’s to go, young Jordan.”

“Sure.  Grab one.  Catch you later.”

I walk Mike out to his car.  Its so cold out, there is frost on the trees.

“Man.  You need to lighten up.”

“What?”

“With Dillon.”

“Whatever.”

“Look, take it easy.  See you tonight?  I could use the extra hands.”

“We’ll see.”  Its not going to happen.  Not while she’s there.  She’s like kryptonite.  I just can’t be around her without turning into a weak ass punk.

I try hard not to think of her, but all I see are grey eyes and that ridiculous smile.  I’m reading in the study while Jordan’s hitting the books.

Mike says she’s staying in the apartment again.  If things had worked out, she’d have been here at the lake house by now.  I would have seen to that.

“f**k!”  I curse.

I can’t take it.   She’s killing me.  Knowing she’s there and I can’t be with her.  I imagine her staying in town and meeting someone from here.  Wouldn’t that be a f*****g mess?  I go through the list of guys in town I know, who are single.  There’s Ian, the school teacher.  I imagine he’d cry while having s*x.  Not her type.  Also, I’d f*****g kill him.  Gary, the car dealership guy.  He was slimy.  He’d probably get her to go out with him, but I’d cut his f*****g balls off.

What was I thinking?  This woman had me twisted to the point of where I wasn’t even thinking logically anymore.

I find myself at The Livery and she is behind the bar.  I figure Mike must have asked her to help since I never showed.

Its really busy and she’s barely coping.  Mike is on tables, so I jump behind the bar.  She steps back, shocked and I look from her to the customers in front of me and take their orders.

She doesn’t run off, but sticks to the far side of the bar.

We’re mindful of one another and I stay out of her way as best I can.  She’s got a crate she’s moving about to reach the bottles.  I’ve told Mike he needs to lower those shelves.  Its too high for Jill too.

Some guys at the bar seem to be giving her a bit of a hard time.  One guy keeps ordering the same shot, one at a time for him and his buddies.  When she gets up on the crate and stands on her toes, I see what they’re up to.

She’s wearing a dress and some sheer tights, but when she reaches up, she’s giving the bastards a free show.  God, damn it, Dillon!  I immediately move behind her and yank her down.

“Hey!”

“Trust me.  If you wanted attention all you had to do was ask, not put on a peep show for the assholes ordering the Malibu.”

She looks embarrassed.

“Dillon, who orders Malibu shots?  Think about it.”

I let her do the table orders which are easier and she hides in the far corner for the rest of the night.  It gets to about ten and I can tell she’s exhausted.  Mike has obviously had her on since the morning doing the payments.

“Why don’t head home?  I’ve got this.”

The only people left are a few rowdy girls out on a hen night and a few regulars.

She looks at me like I’ve insulted her and storms past me, “Good night.”

I’m standing outside her place later that night, right at the end of the staircase and it takes all of my willpower not to run up there and burst in.  Maybe she’s hoping for that.  Maybe not.  Hell, I don’t know.  I light a cigarette and lean against the railing, eventually sliding down and making myself comfortable on the steps.  Its f*****g cold out and its probably a good idea that I get moving.

Before I can get up, a car pulls up and someone is getting out.  It’s a loud bunch.  I manage to get up in time to see Jill tumbling out the back and standing aside for someone getting out as well.  Its her, Dillon.  She’s tipsy enough to warrant herself a slight mess and Jill is just as bad.  There are two guys in front and there is another girl at the back.

“See you guys!”  Jill yells out.

“Great meeting you all.” Dillon laughs.

The guy in the passenger seat leans out the window, “Dillon, call me sometime.”

Mother fucker!  So much for thinking there was anything to salvage.

When the two of them come face to face with me, I enjoy the look on Dillon’s face.  Its like a stare off.  Jill looks from her to me and then quickly makes off for the restaurant entrance.

“Have fun?”  I ask.

“Heaps.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

“Fine.”

“f**k off, Roan!”  f*****g nice.

“f**k off?  f**k off?”  I’m yelling.  I can’t help it and something inside is searing through me, bubbling to the surface, “Rich coming from you, Dillon!”

She shoves by me and I grab her by her upper arms, pulling her close to me.  It’s the first time I feel her body this close to mine and its amazing. It just feels right.  f**k, no, wait.

Her mouth is open, her breathing ragged.  God, mine is too.  ‘Don’t fall for this again, you i***t!’

I can feel her breasts pressing against my chest, even through all the layers and it’s got my jeans growing tighter.  Her lips are almost touching mine and with every ounce of logic I still have left, I gently shove her away.

“Dillon, sorry.” And I manage to leave her there, but I feel shitty for doing it and then begin to worry while I’m driving, if she’s gotten upstairs OK.

That can’t happen again.  I can’t do that to her and let alone, my sanity.  Also, who were those guys and why was Jill with them too?

I need to know, but I don’t want to ask Jill and I can’t ask Mike in case he doesn’t know she was out with guys he doesn’t know.

Fuck it, I’m going to ask him, but I’ll have to wait until the morning.  Its already after two in the morning and I know I won’t be able to sleep now.

“Come on Mike!  Pick up the phone!  f**k!”

I have the patience of a kid at Disneyland and my mind is running a mile a minute, thinking of all the possible answers Mike could give me.

Eventually, Mike answers his phone on the fourth attempt. “What is it, Sandusky?”

“Wake up, man!  Its seven in the morning!  Don’t you have a business to run?”

“Yeah, but it opens up at lunch every Sunday.  What do you want?”

The more he talks, the more I lose sense behind my reason for calling, but I ask anyway, “Who was Jill out with last night.”

“I don’t know.  Some friends.  Here, ask her.”  He fumbles with the phone and I hear mumbling.

“Hey Roan.  Everything OK?”   Its Jill.

“Yeah, no everything is good.  Was just a bit worried about you last night.  Who was that you went out with?”

She laughs, “Roan.  I’m fine.  See you later?”

She clearly isn’t going to tell me, “Uh, yeah.  Sure.  See ya later.”

That’s just made things more frustrating.   I work out in the home gym for the rest of the morning and then busy myself with every possible thing I can in the house.  I even start cooking for Sunday dinner.  Something I haven’t done in ages.  Jordan surfaces from what must be a study session in his room and I feel shitty because I haven’t checked up on him much this weekend.

“Hey bro.”  he says, coming to sit at the kitchen counter.

“Hey.  You good?”

“Yeah.  You?”  he looks questioningly at me.

“Yeah, good.  Great!”  I say, tossing pasta into a boiler.

“You not going to Mike for dinner?”

“Not sure yet.  Besides, this is for you anyway.  What time are you heading off?” 

“I’m driving in tomorrow morning.  Paper’s at midday.”

“I see.  You think you and this girl will last?”  I ask him.  His phone’s been in the study most of the weekend and I know its been ringing and beeping incessantly.

He just shrugs and I know well enough not to poke any further.

The day seems longer.  I can’t take it and that’s when I decide to just message her directly.  There is only one way to do this.

*Could we just move on and be friends?*

There, that’s nice and it means we can actually talk to each other when we see each other.  I could ask about her day.  She could ask about mine.  Perfect.

No response.

I decide to head to Mike and Jill’s for Sunday dinner and when I get there, it sounds busier than usual inside.

I open the apartment door and there she is.  She’s sitting in the kitchen, laughing hysterically.

With who?  Who is this f*****g guy sitting next to her?  They turn to me briefly and she raises a hand at me as if to say hello.

This is great.  Just f*****g great.

Mike comes to get me at the door, where I seem to be rooted.

“Hey.  We thought you weren’t coming anymore.”

So they got a replacement.

“Come and meet Declan.  He’s a riot!”

Declan and Dillon.  Cute.  My sarcasm is flowing and I know if I opened my mouth, I’d probably get into it with Dillon or this Declan guy.

Jill grabs me by the arm when I get to the kitchen, “Declan!  This is Mike and my very good friend, Roan.  He’s the brewer.”

“Ah, the beer guy!  Great to meet you.”  He extends a hand.  I shake it firmly enough to let him know I am not to be f****d with.

Dillon gets up to refresh her drink and I can’t help, but follow her with my eyes.  She’s not pissed it seems.  Great.  We can talk.

“That was you out on the sidewalk last night.  Right?”  Declan says, pointing at me as he remembers.

God, I want to punch him in the face.  “Yeah, smoke break.”

“Ah, I see.”  He doesn’t look convinced.  He has this smug look on his face and I want to wipe it off.

Dillon is setting the table with Jill.  I watch as they talk in strained whispers and know that something is off with these two.

I am a grown ass man and this has gone on long enough.  I walk over to them and ask Dillon to step onto the balcony with me.  Jill rolls her eyes and gives me a look.

I shoot one back at her.  I have a funny feeling she is orchestrating this.

Dillon looks at me, confusion audible.

I take my time, lighting a cigarette and then take a deep pull.  She hugs herself tightly as the Autumn chill sweeps by.

I take off my coat and casually put it around her shoulders.  Is what friends do, right?

She looks surprised.

“I got your text.”  She says.

“OK.  Forget how to reply?”

“Look, you can stop being rude.  I know to keep my distance.”

Clearly, I have struck a nerve, “Great.  Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to head off.”

“Why?  If me being here makes you uncomfortable, I can leave.”

If her and her date left, it would make things easier, but I don’t think pissing Jill off is key right now.

“I’ll go.  Its all good, Roan.  They were your friends first, anyway.”

She shoves by me and I try to beat her to it, but she has her things and is out the door by the time I reach inside.

Jill is standing at the open door and spins around to face me, “What the hell, Roan?” she yells.

Declan looks completely uncomfortable and I can understand, but what I don’t get is why he is still sitting down and enjoying his wine.

“Is she OK?”  he asks Jill.

“I think so.  Let me call her.”

“I hope she doesn’t walk out of her job like that come Monday.”  Declan laughs, trying to ease the tension.  Jill lifts her hand when I try to talk to her.

I look to Mike and he raises his brows, “Declan here, has just hired Dillon to help out and teach guitar lessons at the Community Centre from Monday.”

“I see.”  I say, feeling like an i***t.

“Jill met him and his boyfriend, Hank, last night when she and Dillon went out for drinks.”

So, where’s this Hank?

As if reading my thoughts, Mike continues, “Hank had to leave to see to a crashed server at the office.”

“Tech guys!”  Declan goes, his hands flaying.

Fuck!

*I’m sorry.  Friends?  For real this time.*

She replies, *Always.*

I sleep soundly, knowing things are going to be OK.