A song for him

Chapter 11

When I walk off stage, I’m a quivering wreck.  I’m not crying, but I am really nervous about how he’ll take the song and if he knows its for him.

Surely he has to.

Everyone is milling about, getting drinks at the bar.  Before Garrett gets up to refresh his drink, he leans down and whispers almost menacingly in my ear, “Don’t think that cute little song belongs to you.”

Everything I have tried to pen or perform has been claimed by Jesse after foolishly revealing the songs to her.  This one though, was mine to keep.  In fact, I don’t even think I’d sing it again; it was too personal.  It felt as if my soul was on display and my feelings were being worn as decoration.

Suddenly, there is a throng of people coming to say hello and how much they loved the music.  I can’t believe how awkward it all makes me feel.  I don’t think the fame is what I ever wanted.

Maybe I did belong in dive bars and restaurants.  It felt a hell of a lot more homey than being on stage in front of thousands.

I close my eyes briefly once I am alone and notice the flaming red hair next to me when I recover.

“What are you doing here?”

“Jill.”

She’s pissed.  I then realise what they must think of me, especially if Jill is mad.

“Honouring label commitments.”

“Leave him alone.”

“What?”

“You heard me.  Don’t talk to him or even look at him.  He’s taken months to just function normally again.  You broke his heart.”  She looks almost tearful.

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“It won’t help.  In fact, I think you being at his awards evening, its wrong!”

I manage a distorted laugh and try my best not to cry in front of her, “Don’t worry.  Its clear how you all feel about me.  I’m heading back to my hotel anyway.”

I don’t think I can handle her being this honest with me and get up to leave, “You hurt me too, you know.” She says it sternly, but the c***k in her voice betrays the façade. 

I turn to look at her.  Her face has softened, “I thought we were friends.  You haven’t as much as messaged.”

I can’t begin to tell her how sorry I am and frankly, I don’t think it would help.  I don’t say anything and walk away, squeezing her hand briefly as I go.

On my way out, I get the feeling someone is watching and then, I see him.  He’s standing in the hotel foyer, with Jordan and Mike at his side.  He’s so beautiful.  I have to fight the urge to just go to him.  Logic wins and after pausing briefly and just staring at one another, I race out of the hotel and turn my back on him, again, but this time I wish it were different.

I have a six A.M wake-up call and just about manage to make it.  Reluctantly, I pack and head downstairs.  Breakfast is not an option as I’m groggy and still too tired.  My eyes are also puffy from a night spent crying over a man I will never be able to hold again.

Garrett meets me downstairs and tells me that I have to be ready for rehearsal later that day.  I don’t think I can do it.  I ask him if I can have a break.  He laughs it off and heads off to breakfast with Jesse and Reese.  I decide to head  downtown for the morning.  It feels odd being back in Grand Rapids, but somehow I don’t associate it with the hurt I thought would kill me at one point.

Just as I am about to get into the taxi, I hear my name being called.

“Mike?”  I ask, shocked.  He’s running after me.

“God, you’re clearly famous now.  You know how hard it was to find out which hotel you’re in?”

“What are you doing here?”  I’m surprised he’s even talking to me.

“I need to show you something.”

“What?”

“Let’s grab breakfast.  We can talk there.”

“He wrote this?”  I ask, looking at copies of what seems to be a letter.

“Yeah.  Jill made him write it.”

“Jill’s pretty pissed at me, huh?”

“Jill gets attached to people.  So does Roan, it seems.”

“How is he?”

“Read that and then decide.”

I read it, bearing in mind its probably going to be a thrashing.

‘Dillon…

Its been months since you’ve left and I want to see you so badly, even if to make sure you’re hurting too, but I know I can’t wish that on you.  You’re my beautiful, perfect girl and I have to see you, even if its only in my mind.

You made life wonderful again.  I don’t know if you ever felt the way I did.  I want to believe you did.  You ran and I said I would come after you.  I haven’t done that and I’m more f*****g angry at myself for not running after you.  Figures huh?

I wanted to give you every part of me, but you never even gave me the chance.

I hope you’re happy.  I love you and I hope you’re happy.’

My tears spill and Mike reaches for my hand.

“Hey.  I don’t know whether he still feels this way, but my best friend is a f*****g hot mess and its kind of your fault.”

“What do I say to him?  To Jill?  God, to you?  I just ran away, the minute I became paranoid.”

“He’s a good guy, Dillon.  I’m sure he still feels something and if you even have the slightest idea that you might run again, please don’t contact Roan.”

God, these people really think I’m bad for him.

I nod, “I get it.  I don’t think I should speak to him anyway.  I have so much going on anyway.”

Mike smirks, “Yeah, that you do.  Where to next?”

“Uh, Detroit.  Then Kentucky, St Louis and Nashville.  New York for the Thanksgiving Day Parade is the last stop for the year.”  I feel physically ill thinking about performing again.

“Its what you wanted, eh?”  Mike can’t fake sarcasm like that.

“Yes, Mike, it is.”  I say, starting to get annoyed with him. “I have to go.  Thanks for everything.”

“Dillon.  You’re a good person.  I just don’t know if you’re good for Roan, but I do know you two had something real.”

“You think he’d talk to me?”

“I don’t know.  He’s been pretty difficult to deal with.”

“Did he say anything last night?”

“Uh, not much.  Just said he was glad you were OK.”

Mike hugs me awkwardly, “See you around, Dillon and I’m glad this all worked out for you.”  But at what price, is probably what he wants to add.

“Ready to go?”  Garrett asks, standing in front of me, in the foyer.

“I’m not going.”

“If this is bout that little beer brewer, write a song about it.”  f**k you, Garrett.

“What do I need to do to get out of my contract?”

He takes off the ridiculous Stetson, “What?”

“You heard me.  I want out of this bullshit deal.”

“You won’t get a cent in royalties from that song.”   He muses.

“I don’t care.”

“Fine.   You're not that hard to replace anyway.  We’ll send you something from the office.  Where do I send it to?”  He was right.  Rude, but right.  There were probably loads of more deserving artists out there, but it wasn't for me.

“I’ll be in Benton Harbor.  Send it to me, care of The Livery Restaurant.”

“You’re going back to that small town?”

“Yeah, I am.”  If it’ll have me.

Jesse Lee practically threw my things out of the tour bus when she was told that I’d quit.  I somehow felt as if a huge part of me was reclaimed and I had escaped the clutches of a mad woman.

I managed to contact Skye, for a place to crash for the night before driving back to Benton.  Luckily, I’d left my little Rabbit with them while I was gone.  Skye and Lily have been following my story since they heard me on the radio.

They say Dave has tried to get them to give him my new number.  I’m not surprised.

I tell them about Roan.  They both think I should go back.  I’m so ashamed of how I acted.

I realise that I want to go back, not just for him, but for the direction in which my life started moving when I was there.  It was such a happy place.

We get through at least three bottles of wine that evening and when I leave the next day, I leave with actual luggage and a bit of hope.

“You’re late.”

I see Mike standing behind me as I get out of my car.  He’s opening up the restaurant.  I smile at him, “I thought we opened at nine.”

“No, changed it to eight because my coffee –“

“Is the stuff of legend, I know.”

I help him crank up the metal mesh fence and he hands me the keys for the office, “I have about four months worth of filing in there.  You better get started if you want to leave here by four.”

This just feels right.

I hug him, really tightly, “Thanks Mike.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  He gives me a brief squeeze back.

The day is great, until Jill walks in to the office and stands in front of me, hands on hips.  I get up , ready to square off against any attack she has.

“Now, I know you are super pissed at me, but let me tell you; I deserve it and I will even let you tell me off again.  Just hear this one thing out.  You are my friend and I took advantage of the kindness you showed me.  Can you forgive me?”

She stands there, her hair like a halo of flames and her beautiful grey eyes searing.  She drops her hands and then when I think she is going to hurl herself at me in a fit of rage, she embraces me.

“You b***h!”  she squeals, “I can’t believe you just upped and left.”

“Forgiven?”

“Yes.”

I don’t ask her about Roan because I know she is genuinely mad about how I treated him.  I realise it is going to take a lot of work if I want to stand even a chance with him again.  I have all the time in the world and I am willing to wait.

As usual, Jill is ready to pick up the pieces of my life and I know then that this woman is my angel, “Where are you staying?”

“I was going to stay at the local Inn.”

“You’ll be broke living like you’re still a rock star.  Come with me.”

She marches me out to Mike, who is having his lunch at the bar counter.

“What is it, Jill?”

“Michael Matthews.  Do you want to sleep on the couch?”

I look from Mike to Jill and then from Jill to Mike again.  When did that happen?

“Relax, babe.  How can I help you ladies?” He asks, popping the last bit of what was a burger into his mouth.

“Dillon needs a place to stay.”

“I know.”

“So?”

“I was going to offer her the apartment.”

“Great!”  Jill beams.

“Great!”  Mike says in typical Mike fashion (dryly).

“There you go.”

“Are you OK with it?”  I ask them both.

“Oh, Jill is now my roommate.”  Mike says with mock irritation. “So, you’ll have a place all to yourself.”

“Wow.  Thanks guys.  It’ll be temporary.”

Jill looks annoyed, “You’re not staying?”

“Not in the apartment for long, no.  I was hoping to find a more permanent type of job and then maybe even a bigger rental.”

I’ve also made some decent money from the tour and some of the signing deal money.  Just enough to either rent for a long while or actually put a deposit down on a little house or apartment in the area.

Jill smiles, “Sounds great.”

“Thanks.  Again.  I don’t know where I’d be without you guys.”

“Come on.  Its almost four.  Lets get your things upstairs.  I want to hear all the gossip about Jesse Lee and that hot husband of hers!”  Jill is such a breath of fresh air compare to the dishonest types I met while on the road.

It was each man or woman for themselves.

I am back at work the next day and because its insanely busy at lunch, I even help to wait tables.  Its something I’m not great at and so Mike sticks me behind the bar instead.

As if its by some primal sense or need, I feel him, before I see him.  His face is much harder than I remember.  Almost, angry.  I don’t know what to do.  I busy myself with attempting to operate the coffee machine while he speaks to Mike at the door.   He goes back out and my excitement fades.  He comes back in with a couple of guys pushing in crates of beer.

They head towards the bar and the first thing I can think to do, is run.  Of course.  Good old Dillon.  I run from everything.  I dash into the office, shutting the door behind myself and leaning against it, breathing as if I’ve just run a mile.

Just as I steady myself and stand up, the door hits me against the ass and shoves me over into the desk.

“s**t!”  I pronounce.

“f**k.  You OK?”  Its him and he actually offers his hand out to me, helping me up.  He’s disgustingly polite.

His hands on mine feel amazing.  He lets go of me, once I am on my feet.

“I need you.” His lazy drawl is still as sexy. “To sign off on the invoice.”

Of course.  Why would he need me for anything else?

I can’t find my voice and take the piece of paper from his hand.  I sign it and make a copy, handing him one back.  My hands are practically trembling.

“Thanks.”  Is all he says and he leaves.  Not a second glance.  Nothing more than the few words he spoke.  We’re completely done.

It hurts so badly.  It’s a dull ache inside and I hate it, but God knows, I f*****g deserve it.