Forever Lies

25

Tears welled in my eyes, and the tightening grip of a sob clawed at my chest. I wanted this torture over. I didn’t want to wait another day to get his ass kicked out of this building, but I had no choice. Of course, filing a complaint would only be the start of what could be a lengthy process. There was no telling how long I’d have to deal with an angry, vindictive boss who enjoyed sexually harassing me. I escaped back into the stairwell and leaned against the wall. The fluorescent lights gave off a dim illumination, and it was eerily silent within the concrete walls, but it was precisely what I needed—the protective enclosure of my own private cave. I didn’t think I could manage going back into my glass office to be stared at and scrutinized like jewelry in a display case. It was all too much. All morning I had put on a brave face and fooled myself into believing everything would be alright, and I knew deep down, eventually, it would, but at that moment, it felt like everything was a disaster. The constant pressure of my family, the stress of sorting out my relationship with Luca, and the strain of dealing with Roger—it was too much. Each added pressure had wound me tighter and tighter, and Roger’s comment had been the final straw that had sprung my trigger. I needed to get away. I couldn’t go back up to my office, not even for my purse. Instead, I took deep breaths as I slowly descended nine flights of stairs, exiting onto the ground floor and walking numbly through the lobby. One of the security guards I often conversed with asked if I was alright and made an attempt to have me sit down, but I assured him I was fine and slipped from the building. I walked with no destination in mind. Far from my normal purposeful stride, I strolled aimlessly, blind to the people and activities around me. At one point, I noted Stern College, which was only a couple blocks from the Triton building. Other than that, my mind was a blank, as if my brain had overloaded and shut down. I tried so hard all the time to be who my parents wanted me to be. There was no such thing as perfect, but by God, I had tried, and I felt like I’d come up unforgivably short. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be. Maybe if I had a stronger sense of self, I’d have known how to handle Luca. He swept me away like a tiny leaf pulled out on the ocean current until I was surrounded by him, unable to see my way to shore. I thought I could manage him like I thought I was handling Roger, but I’d been a fool on both counts. Luca couldn’t be managed, any more than a tornado or an earthquake. And as for Roger—I’d deluded myself that dressing conservatively and ignoring him was an effective strategy to address his behavior. Realizing how wrong I’d been made me feel weak and pathetic. The only thing I’d accomplished was allowing him to continue to prey on me. I should have reported him from the very first incident, but instead, I’d told myself dealing with him was necessary, not seeing the lie for what it was— cowardice. I had been scared for others to know the things my boss had said and done, and the longer it lasted, the more impossible it felt to tell anyone. Each inappropriate comment and suggestive stare was a shovel full of dirt thrown on top of where I lay, down in a hole of my own making. The guilt and shame were unbearable. In a thriving city of millions of people, I suddenly felt no larger than an ant. Insignificant. Worthless. A tear dripped down my cheek, and my vision blurred just as my toe caught on an uneven sidewalk seam, and I lurched forward. Before I could stumble to the ground, a strong set of hands caught me. My head sprung up, and I gasped in surprise, sucking in a lungful of rancidly sweet air rank with cheap cologne. A large man with tattoos crawling up his neck and a shaved head leered down at me. There was a cold madness to the gleam in his eyes, sending a bolt of electric adrenaline down my spine, all the way to my fingers and toes. The man was enormous and didn’t look like he’d known a sane day in his life. “Gotta watch where you’re goin’ lady,” he said as his eyes traveled down my body, his hands still firmly clasped around my arms. My eyes darted around in search of aid, but I quickly realized I had wandered too close to the river and was standing beneath the FDR overpass. There wasn’t another soul around to help me, just the steady whooshing of cars above and the gentle coo of pigeons nesting under the bridge. “Let go of me,” I hissed, yanking myself free of his bruising grip. I stumbled backward only to walk straight into another body. Two more thugs stood at my back, clearly amused at my mounting fear. I jerked away from them, stepping aside until they flanked me on three sides, my back to a concrete pillar. The first man took a small step forward. “There’s no reason to panic, we just want your money.” “I … I don’t have any money. I left everything back at the office.” “Don’t fuckin’ lie, lady,” he ground out angrily. “No one lookin’ as fine as you is gonna wander around the city with nothin’ on them. Give us the fuckin’ money, and you can walk away.” “I was upset when I left—I swear I don’t have anything on me. Please, just let me go.” My voice shook, and my eyes pricked with the threat of tears. “Fine, you wanna do this the hard way, be my guest. We’re gonna find it either way.” He stepped forward and grabbed my hips, feeling for pockets in the seams of my slacks. “You got it stuffed in your bra? Where you hiding it?” How was this happening? All I could do was hope money was all he was after. The thought sent a wave of unadulterated panic through my veins, making me shove at the man’s chest. “Get away from me. I told you, I don’t have anything.” The man barely budged from my efforts, grabbing the neckline of my blouse along with the edge of my bra cup and pulled it away from my body to peer inside in search of hidden cash. It only took a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity. As fast as I could move after registering what was happening, I slapped at his hands. “Don’t touch me,” I hissed at his venomous glare. “What the f**k?” came an enraged growl beside us. Fast approaching our little party, Luca descended like an avenging angel, lips in a snarl and eyes black with fury. “This has nothing to do with you, man. Just walk away,” warned the thug who had me cornered against the pillar. His two friends stepped closer to his back, helping to form a unified front. Luca wasn’t fazed in the slightest. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the challenge excited him. He almost looked eager for the fight that was mounting. “That’s where you’re wrong. You see, that right there, she’s mine, so this has everything to do with me.”