What Loving You Cost Me

Chapter 15- I am Done Paying for That

Elizabeth

Rachel sat down across from me and waited. She didn’t rush me. She just sat there with her hands in her lap and gave me time.

I looked down at my hands for a moment then started talking.

I told her how Daniel made me pretend to be his sister the moment Hayley moved in. How he kissed Hayley in front of me while I slept in a different room. How he pushed me so hard that night I fell and clutched my stomach, terrified for the baby. How I hid the pregnancy from him until the hospital. How scared I had been for months, moving through my own home like I didn’t belong there.

My voice kept breaking. By the time I finished I was crying quietly, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

Rachel sat in silence for a moment. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was slightly open.

“He moved his fiancée into your home,” she said. “And asked you to give up your room.”

“Yes.”

“And you did it.”

“I did.”

She shook her head slowly. Not at me. At him.

“I knew Daniel could be cold,” she said. “Back in college he was always distant. Guarded. But this is not just being cold. This is something else entirely.”

I let out a slow breath. “I kept thinking if I was just better, if I loved him more, maybe he would change. He never did.”

Rachel reached over and took both my hands in hers. “You didn’t deserve any of that. None of it.”

She paused. “I wish I could tell you the Daniel I know is different. But I can’t lie to you. Not after hearing all this.”

The room was quiet enough that I could hear the party still going outside. Children laughing. Music playing somewhere in the backyard.

“Do you know anything about his past?” I asked. “His family? In four years he never told me a single thing. Not one name. Not one story.”

Rachel hesitated. “His mother died when he was eight. His father passed away sometime in high school. That’s genuinely all any of us know. He never talked about it and nobody ever pushed him.”

I sat with that for a moment.

Four years in that house and I had to hear it from someone else.

It didn’t excuse anything. But it was something.

“What are you going to do?” Rachel asked.

“I don’t have everything figured out yet,” I said. “But I’m not afraid of losing him anymore. Whatever comes next won’t be because of that.”

She studied me for a moment.

“You’re different from how I imagined you,” she said.

“How did you imagine me?”

She thought about it. “I don’t know exactly. Just different from this.”

I didn’t ask her to explain. I think I understood what she meant.

A knock came at the door.

“Rachel,” Fester said from outside. “Sophie’s asking for you. Party’s wrapping up.”

I stood and picked up my bag. Rachel stood with me and pulled me into a hug.

“You’re always welcome here,” she said. “Anytime. I mean that.”

“Thank you,” I said. “For listening. For not telling me I was overreacting.”

She pulled back and looked at me. “You have never overreacted to a single thing. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.”

We walked out together. Fester looked between us and chose not to ask.

“Daniel’s waiting downstairs,” he said to me quietly. “He wants to leave.”

I nodded and went down.

Daniel was by the front door with his hands in his pockets. When he saw me on the stairs his eyes locked onto mine and stayed there.

I walked past him and out the front door.

He followed.

The drive home was silent. I kept my eyes on the window. He didn’t ask about Rachel. He didn’t ask about the party. He didn’t ask how I was feeling. He just drove and stole glances at me every few minutes when he thought I wasn’t paying attention.

When he pulled into our driveway and stopped the car I reached for the door handle.

It was locked.

I turned to him. “Open the door.”

He didn’t move. He just sat there gripping the wheel and staring straight ahead.

“What did you tell her?” he said.

“The truth.”

“Which part.”

“All of it.”

He exhaled through his nose.

“You had no right to do that,” he said.

“She’s my friend,” I said. “Not yours. I had every right.”

“She is Fester’s wife.” His voice tightened. “Do you think about what you’re doing before you do it?”

I turned to face him. “I spent four years thinking carefully about every single thing I said so I wouldn’t upset you. I measured my words. I watched my tone. I cooked your meals and kept your secrets and stood in my own home and smiled at the woman you brought in and told me to call sister.” I stopped. “I thought about consequences every single day. They were always yours. Never once mine.”

He said nothing.

“Why are you doing this to me Elizabeth,” he said after a moment. His voice was low. Tired.

“I’m not doing anything to you,” I said. “I’m doing something for myself. That is not the same thing.”

“You’re avoiding me. You’re spending time with another man. You told people things that are between us.” His voice dropped. “After everything. After the baby. Why are you trying so hard to destroy me?”

“Destroy you,” I said.

“Yes.”

“Daniel, I have had six weeks where I could breathe. Six weeks where I woke up and didn’t spend the first part of my morning figuring out your mood. Six weeks of not bracing myself every time the front door opened.” I kept my voice level. “And you’re telling me that’s destroying you.”

He looked away.

“Every night I cried because of you, I hope it comes back to you,” I said. “I hope you feel even half of what I felt lying alone in that room wondering what was wrong with me. Wondering why I was never enough no matter what I gave. Wondering what I could possibly do differently.” I paused. “There was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing more I could have done. I spent four years loving someone who didn’t know how to let himself be loved and I am done paying for that.”

The car was quiet.

His jaw was tight. He was staring out the windshield. His grip on the wheel had loosened but he hadn’t moved.

After a long silence he said, “You really mean that.”

Not cold. Not defensive. Just quiet.

I put my hand on my stomach. “Yes,” I said. “I do.”

He didn’t argue. He didn’t reach for control the way he usually did. He just sat there and for once had nothing to say back.

After a while he unlocked the door.

I stepped out and closed it behind me. I didn’t look back as I walked toward the house, but I heard the car stay parked in the driveway for a long time before he finally cut the engine.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​