the dark days (book one of the darkness saga)

Chapter 19 - Unsure

Chapter 19 - Unsure

Alexandra POV

present day -

The next couple of days, Dameon and I were back to being awkward.

Nice going, Alex.

Why are we back here again?

If we could just talk.

If I could just talk!

If only Dameon knew the truth, that I was slowly falling for him, but Xavier and I... but it doesn’t matter because there’s one certain thing that can’t be denied. I do know he truth, I still love Xavier, and I should’ve have kept my distance from Dameon.

I fidget with my fork while I watch Dameon eat breakfast from across the kitchen table. How I wish I could just talk to him. Every time I clear my throat or start to scribble on my whiteboard he makes an excuse to leave the room.

17 years old-

This was exactly like the day after prom. When he suddenly got weird around me.

I chanced upon him as he was closing his locker. "Hey!"

“What?” He grumbles as he turns to face me. “What is it, Alex?”

He never calls me Alex, not unless he's upset.

“So, you and Sabrina?” trying my best to not sound annoyed.

He looks behind me, searching for someone. “Where’s Xavier?”

I follow his eyes and look behind me. Finding nobody there, I turn back to him. "How the hell should I know?"

“I smell him off of you.” He mumbles under his breath.

Smell? What the hell is his problem?

I shoved his shoulder playfully. “Hey, come on Dameon, stop being weird. Why have you been avoiding us in the first place?”

“US!?” He grabs my wrist. “Since when have you and him been an 'us'? Since he placed his jacket around you? Are you THAT easy, Alex?"

“f**k man, what’s your problem? Let me go.” I tried pulling away.

I tried but I wanted him to pull me closer. Jesus Alex, you're messed up.

“You’ve been ignoring Xavier and me! You know, your best friends? Since prom.” I did my best to act upset.

“There should be NO you and Xavier.” He pulled me closer, and all I can think of was the warmth of his breath.

“Well there should be no us either.”

Flabbergasted, he lets go of my wrist and broodingly lumbers away.

God damned Dameon and his mood swings! That boy gives me a whiplash.

present time -

I lose my appetite at the memory and shove the plate away from me. Dameon looks up and opens his mouth, as if about to say something. I lean my elbows on the table and push up my glasses; giving him my full attention, excited that he finally has something to say. He stops himself, frowns and stands up.

“I have a meeting with Lola and Justin. When you're done here you can join us if you like.” He brushes his hair off his forehead. “Or—do whatever you want. But do try to stay in the house.”

He grabs his plate and puts it in the sink as he walks out the room. Before leaving he looks back at me with disappointed eyes. I wanted to call out to him and tell him to stay.

Tell him I'm sorry for always uttering Xavier’s name in the most inappropriate of times. Tell him that I'm confused, That I'm scared...

But what if what I felt for him was just me missing Xavier? I need to be strong even if it means forcing distance, physical and emotional, between Dameon and myself. Because indulging in these emotions for Dameon again isn’t an option. I couldn’t hurt my best friend that way.

‘Why Alex? Why can’t you stop calling for me?’ hear Xavier's voice in my head, as if on cue.

I rolled my eyes as I heard Xavier. Every since I’ve seen Xavier in wolf form our connection has strengthened. I guess now that he wasn’t hiding this part of his life he is able to mind link with me more often.

‘It’s too early!’ I grumble as I grab my plate and walk to the sink. ‘What do you want?’ I ask him, surrendering to the warm fuzzy feeling building inside me.

‘No white chocolate mocha with a double shot of espresso there? ‘ He laughs.

‘Nope just regular black coffee. Just how you like it actually.’

I giggle as guilty the pleasure of having Xavier in my mind consumes me. I push my glasses up my nose thinking about Xavier during happier times.

4 years ago -

Like that one morning I walked in on him setting the table for breakfast, already with my double shot espresso mixed with hot chocolate. He lectured me on how I was ruining the coffee.

"This isn't coffee. This is a kid's hot chocolate drink with a hint of coffee."

I stick my tongue out at him. "And yet you know the recipe by heart, you make it perfectly for me every time."

I picked up the mug and took a sip. "What are you having?"

In one motion, he walked towards me, got the mug from my hands, sat it on the table, scooped me up by my waist, leaned close to my ears, and whispered: "I think I’ll have what you're having."

He grind his body against mine and backed me up to the countertop. Breathlessly I whispered back, "What are you talking about, didn't you only make the one cup for me?"

He leaned in and licked the foam off my upper lip.

He's clearly stifling giggles at his own gag. "Oh you think that's funny? You don't get to tease me and not finish what you started."

I pulled him in and kissed him deep. He knocked the coffee off the table when he placed his hand down to support his weight as he kissed me back.

The spilled coffee lies on the floor forgotten.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, he carried my weight and carefully lowered me on top of the counter.

present time -

Girl, get a grip!

I shake my head as I blush with these memories of Xavier. My head swims with the image of him leaning down, kissing me.

‘Coffee and kisses, the perfect way to start the day wouldn’t you agree?’ he chuckles in my mind.

How this mind-link thing works is, it's not just voices. I could smell him, taste him, and what's worse is it would take over my vision, as all I can see now is him smiling his sheepish smile and his eye glimmering with lust.

Seriously Alex! I scold myself.

Dameon hasn’t been out of the room for 10 minutes, 10 minutes! And here I am reliving memories with another man. Although he is my husband. Yes, he is still my husband.

I sigh. If only Xavier knew the full truth - how I still loved him - would he keep away? Would I ?

“You do know it goes both ways—I can sense your thoughts as much as you can sense mine—when we're mind-linked like this? Not that i mind what your thinking of right now...’ He trails off.

Some privacy please. I'm new to this. I call out teasingly.

Ok ok.. he laughs. Have you talked to him yet? Xavier’s voice a bit more serious.

No, and do you really want me to? I start washing the dishes.

No. Xavier's voice sounds a little more hurt now. But I know how all this is causing you grief. It triggers your night tremors, and...

Xavier, stop. I'm still too scared to think about that...

I'm so sorry Alex. That should be the last thing you need to be reminded of right now. Don’t worry, Austin and I are real close to something.

Why won’t you just let me help you? I stop cleaning the plates and allow the water from the faucet to flow. I was too focused on my conversation with Xavier to notice anything else.

Was that really what I wanted? Or was I using it as an excuse to not face my feelings for Dameon? My feelings for either of them?

Damn it Alex! Why do I always find myself in such predicaments?

I was still married to Xavier, logically I had to stick it out with him. We have been through so much. He hasn't been himself recently, but I owed it to him to help him sort it out. He was also the easier choice.

But things with Xavier was never easy.

Dameon on the other hand, is my "what could have been". I wasn’t sure if that had a place in his life in the present. Is Dameon really in love with me? The me now? Does he really love all of me? Or does he love what he thinks he sees in me? I'm not so sure...

Real soon Alex, as soon as I have it, I’ll come back for you. Xavier voice sounds more urgent.

Let me help you!

You're helping enough by being safe. Safe from me. Don’t forget Alex, you are not safe with me, not yet. There is some hurt and remorse in his voice.

But I'm hurting YOU by being here. I watch the soap suds go down the sink.

You could never hurt me. Not after everything I’ve done to you. Just trust me.

I do trust him thou, shaking my head before answering him ‘ you don’t have to say anything else Xavier. I’ve always trusted you. ‘ I miss starring into Xavier’s eyes, those eyes that have both tempted and tortured me.