Chapter 9
1664 Words
Alex POV
- Present time -
My heart burst hearing Dameon say the words. These are the words I’ve always wanted to hear him speak.
I only said it many years too late. Or is it?
“No, not loved… LOVE. I’ve always loved you, Lexie. All these years, it has always been you, just you!”
I wanted to lean in and kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me back, to take me in his arms.
I wanted nothing more than to get lost in his lips and feel his arms around me. But as fast as my heartbeat, fear crept inside my mind. I couldn’t allow myself to love again. I couldn’t let myself ruin Dameon as well.
Also, I was still a married woman; I was married to his best friend. I couldn’t be that girl that gets in between friends. I couldn’t be the one to ruin the friendship the three of us had.
No! I won’t allow it.
I quickly stood up, mouthing “No,” as I shook my head.
“f**k no, Dameon.” mouthing again.
I push him away as he tries to move closer.
He stands in front of me as I step to his side. He grabs my arms, and I quickly shake his hands off. He takes a step forward as I take a step back.
“Why are you fighting this, Lexie” I know you feel the same way about me.
I shake my head.
He was about to speak again, but I raised an open palm, gesturing for him to stop as I walked away from him.
Walking away, I remembered getting up on stage in the small restaurant on my wedding day.
- 5 years ago -
I intended to sing for Xavier. I am not a singer, but It was the only wedding gift I could think of, and ONE HE WASN’T EXPECTING.
As I was finishing the song's last lines, I found my eyes drifting towards the back of the room. I spotted Dameon leaning on the wall with his hand in his pockets. His jacket hanging on one arm and his sleeves all rolled up. His dirty blonde hair was messily brushed up. His eyes filled with hurt, burning through me. As our eyes met, he straightened himself. His jacket falls to the ground. He takes a step forward, then shakes his head. His lips part as he took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving mine
My heart pounded as I tried to remember the words to the song. My voice cracked, and my breathing staggered. The terms perfectly aligned with how I felt while I looked at him.
“And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing over me
And the questions I have for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean deliver me.”
- never let me go by Florence & the machine
Time stood still as I sang. Only Dameon’s eyes held me captive, and I was a willing prisoner.
Why is it that I still feel this way around him after all these years?
I Loved Dameon, ONCE.
- Present-day -
Dammit, Alex! I shout at myself.
“I still have your letters, Lexie.” He calls out. “I read all the letters you sent me.”
I pause, almost losing my balance, as I turn around to look at him.
Did he receive them?
He knew how I felt?
On cue, he continues,
“I was just a f*****g coward” he takes a step closer. “I was a f*****g child, coward, and chose to stay away.”
Still, my mind was a buzz. Does he choose to stay away?
Why the f*****g hell? It was like a knife was ripping my heart out.
I wanted to scream at him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, remembering the last letter I sent him.
“Hey, Dameon,
This is the last letter I am writing you.
I am leaving the group home next week.
Yes, I am turning 21, and yes, it’s been three years.
Happy birthday me! Please don’t feel guilty. Xavier gives me two presents pretending one is from you. Even though I know, it’s not from you.
Xavier’s the best, isn’t he?
Anyways, I got accepted with a full scholarship to a university. There is no point in telling you whereas I don’t think you’ll ever come to find me.
You have made it very clear as you have not even responded to any of my letters all these years.
We were doing a group session the other day, and the therapist asked where do we feel most safe. And It got me thinking about all those times I would climb into your bedroom window to stay the night.
I didn’t need to tell you that s**t was terrible at home. You never asked; you would lift your comforter and invite me to lie next to you. You would allow me to cry, and I didn’t have to hide because you would ignore the cuts on my face. Without question, you accepted me for who I was. And while we lay there, you would wait until I took your arm and allowed you to hug me as I cried myself to sleep.
You are my safe place, Dameon. You we're my safe space, I suppose.
I still don’t understand why you left. I don’t blame you for going. But I wish I only knew why.
What did I do for you to disappear from my life?
Xavier says it's because you have found happiness. And that’s wonderful! But I’m sorry—this is selfish of me to say—because knowing that you are STILL happy without me in your life hurts.
It f*****g hurts awful.
At least one of us is happy.
So if it’s without me, I will try to find it in my heart to be happy for you.
I guess what I am saying is: I am saying goodbye, Dameon.
I need to end this sorrow of you not being in my life. I need to acknowledge the burning I’ve had for you all these years. And the only way I can do that is if I admit what I feel for you.
I loved you,
No, I love you - you bastard! There is said it.
I have always loved you since I understood what love meant.
Oh, how I wished I dared to tell you how I felt on one of those nights we just lay in bed. Then maybe even for a brief second, allow me to kiss you.
Even if you rejected me, at least I would have felt the love in my heart burst around me, even for just a second.
But no, I guess I am too late.
Always Yours
Lexie
When I open my eyes, I found myself a few feet from Dameon. I shove his chest, overcome with the pain of rejection.
He knew how I felt for him but did nothing? He didn’t even write back.
He decided to reject me all those years ago to tell me he felt the same all this time?
Before I could shove him again, he grabbed my hands.
“I wished in one of those nights we laid in bed that I dared to tell you how I felt. Then maybe even for a brief second, allow me to kiss you. “ His eyes are taking me captive, and me a willing prisoner.
“I have always loved you since I understood what love meant.” He continued; as I stared into his eye that had teased and tortured me, I rubbed my palms on my thighs as I took a deep breath.
Taken by surprise as he quotes from my letter. My cheeks flushed as he continued his words.
“I wished, me Alexandra, not you, how I wished I dared to tell you how I felt and kiss you. And allow the love in my heart to burst around you” His other hand wraps around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
“But I won’t make the same mistake now; I am taking a chance; I love you, Alexandra” My glasses fogged at our proximity. He lets go of my hands and removes my glasses. The back of his hand brushes my cheeks.
With every movement, he made my breathing get slower and more profound. My insides turned, sparks flying, as the heat of his touch burned my skin.
Finally, he leaned in, and as our lips touched, the heat turned to fire and continued to burn inside me. I kissed back passionately. My arms wrapped around his neck, fingers twirling his hair.
Each kiss was filled with a burning passion that sent a tingling sensation zipping through my body.
Dameon lifts me as I wrap my legs around his waist. His arms carry my weight as he cranes his neck and arches his back so he can hungrily reach my lips and kiss me some more.
My feelings for Dameon rush back to the surface like a tsunami as our kiss deeps. I was engulfing my senses as I pulled Dameon closer, allowing every kiss to consume me.
Dameon moves his kisses down my neck, breathing me in as he kisses me. As he pulls me closer, my whole body vibrates as if brought to life with each touch.
I am keeping my arms around his neck, scared to pull away.
I am falling for Dameon.
I am falling for Dameon all over again.
We stayed in this euphoric state for what seemed like an eternity. It was such a sweet release, finally allowing myself to feel every buried emotion I had for Dameon, finally allowing my feelings to control.
I have jumped over the cliff, and I know there is no going back now.
- Writer
