Chapter 10
1511 Words
Danny POV
unknown timeline -
As we parted from the kiss, Dameon’s eyes whereas black as Xavier’s. Startled, I stumbled, and as I fell backward, I was bewildered and confused about what was happening.
The dark clouds stirred around me, closing in. I started to Panic; the feeling like I was going to get suffocated consumed me.
A low, guttural growl emanated from Dameon’s throat as he approached, baring his teeth to me.
He no longer resembled a man but something else. Something that felt like it was going to rip me apart.
As he lunged at me, I screamed.
present time -
I wake up screaming, scrambling to open the lamp beside my bed. Breathing heavily, I looked around with relief, realizing I was alone. As I wiped the sweat rolling down my cheek, a finger brushed my lips, and instantly I remembered the kiss I had with Dameon from yesterday afternoon.
Smiling allows the memory to take hold. As the warmth from the kiss still lingers on my lip.
What the hell was that dream about? I must be mixing up Xavier and Dameon in my mind.
I can’t forget why I was here; I ran away from Xavier. To save Xavier from himself. To allow him to fix his issues. For him to not turn into someone, I could no longer love.
Why? Because I still loved him. That I know is true.
So why the f**k have I been rekindling teen romance with Dameon?
God damn it, I need this to stop.
Allowing myself to feel for Dameon has distracted me from my objective. Xavier must know by now that I was with Dameon. God, the thought made me jump out of bed.
What must he think of me?
What must he think of Dameon? I hope he doesn’t think I was cheating on him. After kissing Dameon and how my body reacted to his touch, I was technically cheating. Wasn’t I?
Doesn’t Xavier know my leaving was for him?
Deciding that pacing around the small cottage wouldn’t do any good, I put on a hoodie and jogger before stepping out.
I rubbed my hands together before pulling the hood over to cover my head. It was indeed cold this morning. I walked to the first step on the porch.
Allowing the quiet of the early morning brought me peace as I looked out into the clearing.
The moonlight shone just enough light to illuminate the tips of the grass blades.
The breeze made me shiver. It was starting to get cold again. I tightly hugged myself as I rubbed the sides of my arm. The quiet helps calms my mind.
I’ve learned over the years to deal with the nightmares. I’ve learned that there was no point in analyzing my dreams.
As the therapist in the group home once explained: this is common with people who suffered trauma, particularly abuse. She called it night tremors: a manifestation of a buried memory.
She f*****g explained it. Yet she would give us s**t when it happened to us.
She had no heart.
I shake my head as I remember my time at home.
If It wasn’t for Xavier and the secret phone he snuck into the home for me, I would have lost my mind.
I remember the nights I would get his calls. I would wake up trembling and often disoriented.
18 years old -
The phone was ringing on cue, and Xavier was immediately on the other line when I picked up.
I never asked how he knew when to call.
I didn’t care; I would have lost my mind if it weren’t for his calls. If the orderly found me acting out from a night tremor, I would be drugged.
Those drugs did more harm than good.
“Breathe, Alex. Just breathe.” He reassures me with his soft, soothing voice.
“Where?… X, I’m scared.” I whisper, careful not to wake my roommates.
“You’re in rehab, love,” his voice filled with sympathy.
“your mom put you there.” He pauses, “You just had a nightmare. You’re going to get your memory in a few seconds. I’m just here, Alex.” He breathes slowly, instructing me to follow him.
“Breathe... “ He continues as he helps soothe me.
And sure enough, as the trembling dies down, I would remember where I was. Xavier would stay on the phone until I was calmer. And sure as the sunrise, he would be there the following day.
He never asked what it was I dreamt of. He just allowed me to be. Sometimes I hug him as I cry. Sometimes we sit in silence. Often I would tell him what I remembered.
He never pushed to know more, always accepting what I was ready to give.
His being there was enough for me. A certain kind of calm would wash over me whenever he was around.
Present time -
I closed my eyes, smiling.
Remembering Xavier,
the real Xavier,
my Xavier; the memory gives me the same calm that I once felt when he was around.
A tear fell down my cheek. I miss Xavier.
I physically felt the distance between us rip my heart apart. Maybe that’s the reason why I was longing for Dameon. Was I only missing my husband?
Damn it, X . Why? I shout in my head.
What happened to you? The voice in my head is trembling. Revealing the pain, I felt.
Alex. I heard Xavier’s voice. I swiftly lift my head and look around.
Alex? It was louder now, like he was inches away from me.
"Am sorry, love. Am so sorry. Please, love, I need you." His voice was kind.
I was sitting still now. I leaned my head forward like I was trying to get better reception.
"You need to know everything; please give me a chance to explain. You don’t need to forgive me. God knows I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I would like to at least explain myself to you." His voice continued
"Explain why you f*****g beat me?" I was surprised I was actuallytalking back to myself as I wiped another tear that fell on my cheek.
Seriously, talking back to a voice in my head?
I shrug my shoulders, thinking that this probably wasn’t the first time I was losing my mind.
Xavier sounded like his old self. It must be because I was reminiscing on happier memories. I let myself get caught in, even though I knew this was me talking to myself.
However, I could feel the same wave of calm I once did. Like I could feel him next to me. His warmth canceled out my chills.
"Alex, I need to explain. Please don’t be scared of me." His voice is almost pleading.
"I never meant to hurt you. His voice full of remorse."
"I’ve always loved you, Alex." I close my eyes tighter as I lean forward further.
"I’ve loved you too. " I whisper in my head as a tear falls down my cheek.
I could feel his finger wiping off the tear from my cheek. A trail of warmth remains on my cheek where his finger was.
He felt his finger linger on my cheek; he cups my cheek.
As my lips slightly parted, I felt his lips on mine. Felt the warmth from his breath on my lips. The heat from my lips cascaded down, engulfing my body.
I no longer felt cold as my heartbeat raced, longing for more of Xavier’s touch.
Xavier. I whisper; my eyes are opening wide.
I gasp as my left-hand touches my lips.
Did I speak?
I open my mouth to try again. Nothing…
Was I dreaming? I must have been. Either that or I’m losing my mind. How is it possible that I felt Xavier was right in front of me? How is it that I was able to speak?
Did I even?
Rolling my eyes, I lean on the porch pole as I sit on the step.
Seriously Alex, get a grip. I scold myself.
I was kissing Dameon yesterday, and here I am, longing for my husband.
What level of mess up was this? This is precisely why I can’t go any further with Dameon. I am dragging him into my mess-up head.
I cannot forget why I was here. Once I have recovered voice or no voice, I need to leave. I need to find myself alone, without any of them. I need to fix myself before I can let any of them in.
What do I have to give?
I owe my best friends that much. They were more than just that, I know. Exactly why they deserve more than me.
Yes, even after Xavier has done it, he needs more than me. They both deserve someone normal, not broken me.
When did my best friends turn into the men that my body ached for?
I sign as I close my eyes, allowing the silence to help soothe my mind.
- Writer
