Billionaire Bad Boy, Broken Underneath

Chapter 13

Ezra's POV

There's a pile of work to do at the office and I'm glad to be back. After taking a few days to rest as per Carissa's insistence, I finally return to work. Jason and Denise helped out in some way but there's still a ton of work to be done and I dive straight into it. Denise brings in my morning coffee and briefs me on what I missed before returning back to her office. My phone rings but I ignore it. I hate being distracted when I'm working. The call comes in again and I turn it off without looking.

I check the time to see it's almost 4pm. I have been sitting behind my desk for over 7 hours. I even forgot to have lunch. Carissa had some packed for me. I don't want to eat. I don't feel like eating. I hate that I have to eat. But I don't want to throw it away either. She put effort into making this meal and it's only unfair that I waste it. I take it out and place it on the coffee table at the lounge area in my office. I take my first bite and I can't help but wonder how her food tastes better every time. I finish the entire food in minutes and even I am surprised at myself.

It's been a while since I finished an entire plate of food. I would usually just eat a bit and leave the rest. I don't know what Carissa is doing to me. My feelings for her grows deeper every second of the day and it scares the living day light out of me. How can I feel this way for my chef? How's that even possible? I don't know how this all started but all I know is that I crave her. I want her by my side everyday. It's been difficult to even have s*x these days. I've tried it a couple of times and it just didn't work. I'm beyond shocked because I normally cannot go a few days without it. Now, the thought of being inside other girls disgusts me.

But I know I shouldn't want her. I'm damaged goods. I'm only going to ruin her just like I was ruined. I shouldn't want her but I can't help these feelings. It’s all new to me and I don't know how to handle it. She's off limits, I tell myself everyday but it only increases my yearning for her. This is not me. I’ve always hated the idea of being tied down to one woman and not having my freedom but with Carissa, I don't mind giving her myself. I don't deserve her, I know that. She's so pure and beautiful, like something untouched. One touch from me and her life will fall apart. I'll ruin her. It's a given.

I've thought about letting her go, relieving her of her duties. Maybe being in close proximity is not helping but I just cannot bring myself to do that. The thought of not seeing her is pure torture. I need Carissa. She's the only woman I have wanted and would ever want. It's so difficult dealing with the fact that what you crave for is right before you but you can't have it.

I return to work, drowning myself in it, and by the time I manage to turn on my phone, I see it's well past 10pm. I've been in my feelings all day. I hate the fact that I'm this damaged. I hate what Randall did to me and because of that, I can't have the one thing I desire the most. Carissa. I turn off my devices and leave the office. I go straight to the garage. I had sent my driver home earlier. I need to go for a drive and clear my head. After going round town twice with little to nothing being done about my feelings, I decide to head home.

The house is awfully quiet. Well, it's quiet most of the time anyways. I move straight to the bar area to pour myself a drink. I know I shouldn't be doing this. It's only been a few days since I left the hospital but I need it to numb my feelings. Call me a coward but I just can't face them. I need a distraction. I take out my strongest drink and down two full glasses at a go and pour the third glass. I drink half of it and set it down. The alcohol burns my throat. It stings, but it helps anyways. I finished the third drink and go for another.

I'm very tipsy at this point and I only want to keep going. I'm on what I think is my sixth glass when footsteps approach me. I don't look up. Whoever it is should go away. I'm in no mood to talk. I drag the glass to my lips when I'm stopped midway. The glass leaves my hand and I turn to whoever it is. I see Carissa looking at me with restrained anger and I try to reach for the cup. She pushes it further and I only let her. I'm too drunk to put up a fight anyways.

“What are doing, Ezra? You only just got out of the hospital and you're getting yourself drunk? Don't you care about your health?” she says in a soft but firm tone.

“Why?” My words are sluryy.

“Why what?” she asks, confused.

“Why do you care? What does it matter to you if I'm okay or not? You're only my chef. You shouldn't care about me and focus on your job” I say bitterly.

“You're hurting yourself and you're only concerned if I care or not? You're unbelievable, Ezra” she scoffs

“Exactly! The more reason you should stay away from me and focus on the job you're paid to do, Carissa” I stare at her beautiful lips and I just want to kiss them and get lost in her arms.

“You're clearly not fine” her voice is low.

“What do you know? Stop trying to figure me out like I'm a case study” I smirk. “You know what? You're right right. I'm not fine! I want the things I shouldn't want and crave the very thing I can never have. I'll only ruin it if I touch it and I'll never forgive myself for that. I hate being this way. It's all because of that man. Randall made me this way!” I yell, or try to.

“Who's Randall? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?” she looks intensely at me.

At this point I know I need to shut up before I spill everything and regret it later. I don't want her knowing a thing about what happened. She'll only judge me and want nothing to do with me. Since I can't have her, I can only hold onto my wish. I can only yearn for her from afar even if it hurts really bad. At least, it's better than nothing. I try to stand on my feet.

“I need to get to bed. I have an early start tomorrow” I say to her and take staggering steps toward the elevator. I bump into things on the way but I finally reach it. I get in and turn to see Carissa staring right at me. She hasn't moved an inch from where I left her. I hold her gaze while I press the button till the door closes.