Desolate Night Talks

Chapter 4: The Steppenwolf

The female student’s life continued its monotonous and tedious rhythm, as though everything operated mechanically, endlessly repeating itself without respite. Beneath this unchanging routine, however, lay her internal struggle—a battle rooted in both her confusion about reality and her uncertainty about the future.

She once had ideals, grand aspirations to change the world and explore the unknown. Yet in the cold and utilitarian society of today, her dreams seemed increasingly absurd, gradually crushed under the weight of survival pressures and the fatigue of reality. She no longer knew how to maintain her sense of self in a world filled with desire and oppression, nor how to find an escape from a life that appeared devoid of meaning.

One late night, the female student sat alone by the apartment window, gazing at the neon lights flickering across the cityscape. Her heart was heavy with mixed emotions. She thought about the books she had recently read—Camus’s The Stranger, Hesse’s Steppenwolf, Kafka’s The Metamorphosis—words that struck a strange chord within her. She felt that the characters in those stories were like kindred spirits, cast into an indifferent world and forced to struggle endlessly in solitude and absurdity to find a way out.

She recalled Camus’s description of the absurd in The Myth of Sisyphus and questioned herself: What is the meaning of life? If everything will ultimately fade away, if all effort is destined to be futile, why should I keep going? This confusion choked her, leaving her stuck at a crossroads between ideals and reality, uncertain which path to take.

Yet another voice whispered in her ear: Perhaps giving up those unattainable dreams and leading a simple, ordinary life is the wiser choice. The world is so cruel; why burden yourself with such heavy baggage? Why not opt for an easier way, following the flow and living out your days peacefully? Such a life may be plain, but at least it wouldn’t hurt.

She felt a profound inner conflict. Her heart seemed torn in two—one half yearning for distant dreams, the other whispering of compromise and surrender. Like the lost wolf in Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf, she found herself caught in a perpetual tug-of-war between reason and instinct, ideals and reality, ambition and avoidance. She understood that pursuing her dreams meant embarking on a path fraught with challenges, solitude, and pain. Yet if she chose to compromise, some deep yearning within her would remain forever unsatisfied, leaving her to live with an unshakable regret.

In the silence, she suddenly recalled the man’s words about existentialism. He had told her that Sartre believed humans are “condemned to be free,” that each person must take responsibility for their existence and create their own value. This absolute freedom, while leaving individuals lonely and helpless, also presented infinite possibilities. She had been avoiding this truth, blaming her confusion on external circumstances, while neglecting her own responsibility for her life.

“Maybe real growth isn’t about choosing the easiest path, but about finding yourself amidst the confusion and taking on the heavy burden of freedom,” she murmured to herself. Growth, she realized, meant facing the questions that unsettled her, finding a balance between compromise and persistence, and not simply fleeing or blindly chasing after something.

The night outside remained as dark as ever, but a faint light began to glow within her heart. She understood that life might never offer a clear answer and that she might never discover a perfect solution, but that didn’t mean she had to give up the search. Even if the road ahead was hard and lonely, she was willing to take it. Perhaps she wouldn’t ultimately escape her struggles as the characters in her favorite novels had failed to, but at the very least, she wanted to try to find her own answers.

At that moment, she felt an extraordinary sense of calm.