Kalopsia

Chapter 2

Chapter 2I woke up next to him snoring this morning in his deep, boozy, Barcelona stupor. I deserve a medal for not elbow dropping him there and then as I crept out of bed and into the shower. On the way back from the bar last night, he tried getting all fruity with me and became quite forceful. He tried getting me to have s*x with him in an alleyway, against a bin of all places. He was hammered. This is what he does. Treats me like crap all day and then pretends to be nice when he's drunk knowing full well that he will want s*x by the end of the night. He thinks I can't see through him. He thinks he's clever. I think he's disgusting and I must start making a plan to get away from him.

After my refusal to have s*x on a bin we broke out into an argument as we walked back to the hotel. He called me the usual. A boring b***h. A miserable cow. He said it's not right for me to refuse him and that he won't be happy unless we have s*x that night. As we got back to our room I told him that we would not be having s*x. I cried. He had been so horrible and aggressive. I explained that I didn't like it when he got this drunk and that it didn't make me want to have s*x with him. He pushed me onto the bed. He told me to shut up. I pushed him off. He lay on top of me with his hand around my throat. He told me I was nothing but a frigid b***h and that he would find it somewhere else. He then left the room.

I didn't care. I was glad he left me alone. As I drifted off to sleep, I prayed that he would never return.

As the morning sidled in through the shutters I was disappointed to see my prayers hadn't been answered so I got up and showered. I knew what was coming next. He would be up soon and he would act like nothing happened. He would dismiss all of it. I wouldn't be reminding him either. When I have done that in the past, he only reacts badly and he scares me so I just roll with it. I accept it and carry on in this miserable existence, fantasising about my escape.

I was right. By the time I came out of the bathroom he had stirred. I got dressed in the bathroom because I can't bear him looking at me after a night like that. I don't want him anywhere near me. He tells me to make him a coffee and winks at me.

He's got a f*****g cold sore. He went out last night to I don't know where and he has woken up with a f*****g cold sore. What the hell has he been doing? Actually, I don't want to know. I gladly make him a coffee as it means I don't have to look at him. I know I said I wouldn't say anything but coming home with a virus on his face is a new low. I can't help but enquire.

'Where did you end up last night then?'

'Nowhere. I didn't go out.'

'You did. We fell out and you went out. You were cross with me.'

'I just went outside and had a cigarette to calm down. I was back in five minutes later and you were asleep.'

That's a lie, I clock watched for at least forty minutes.

'Oh right. Well, it's a new day. Let's forget about it and get out in the glorious sunshine.'

I smiled at him and gave him his coffee.

'Is that my apology? You really are a piece of f*****g work, Kate. You're lucky I am so reasonable.'

'Sorry Tom. Sorry about last night.'

'Whatever.'

My stomach is churning with anxiety and stress. For the last twelve month's I have had crippling stomach pains and fatigue because of the monster that I live with. I can't tell him I don't feel well. This won't surprise you but sympathy isn't a strong point of his either.

About twenty minutes later we are both ready to leave the hotel and head out for breakfast. I feel happier now because I am safer outside. He can't scare me or be nasty to me when we are out. He likes everyone to think he is the nicest guy out there so I will now get at least eight hours of pleasantries. It pisses me off that this is how he is but the outdoor version is easier to handle than the at home version.

It's funny isn't it, yesterday I was dreading the drinking pattern starting and yet today I can't wait to down my first, oversized, fish bowl of Gin and Tonic. The stronger the better. If I drink it quickly it will make me feel numb for a while.

We are staying just a short distance from La Rambla. A few metro stops to be precise but the weather is gorgeous and so we decide to stroll and see what's around. He seems happy, he definitely had s*x last night. It's so obvious when his balls have been emptied. I don't care. It saved me a job and has made today more relaxed.

When I am in Europe I love to just walk around the streets and take it all in. The air smells different. The heat feels different. The hustle and bustle is different. We were out just before the shops and cafés began to open so we saw bakery drivers and the like all delivering their goods to the various establishments. Even the drivers seem happier than British drivers. Is it the sun? Is it the heat? Is it just Spain? Or maybe they all just got laid last night.

As we stroll, I almost creak my neck looking up at all the tall apartment buildings. I picture myself opening my shutter doors and putting washing out to dry before heading down to La Sagrada Familia to meet friends for a coffee. I imagine that I would be so happy living here that I would be skipping my way down the street. Whilst I ponder that for a moment we notice that a market is being set up and coming to life as well. There is so much going on. Numerous food stalls, craft stalls, books, clothes, music. I check my watch and it's just before 8.30am. Before I know it some sort of Spanish marching band appear playing music and everyone stops to let them cross the street and continue with their parade. It seems like something just out of a movie and it makes me love the place even more. How wonderful it must be to look out to this every weekend from your apartment window. That's it, I've decided. If Tom and I split, I am moving to Barcelona.

We find a quaint little café and order some breakfast and sit outside. This is the life. Glorious sun and a vibrant community. What a great way to spend a Saturday morning. My bowl of fresh fruit and yogurt are brought out along with my fresh orange juice and black coffee. I had wanted a cheese and ham toastie this morning. I fancied the grease to soak up last night's booze but Tom ordered without asking me and seeing as we were off to a good start I didn't want to rock the boat.

We sit and eat in silence. I don't mind the peace at this time of day. It can take me a while to come around in the mornings so I am glad that we aren't talking. I am just looking around, taking it all in and people watching. I love looking at all the architecture. Gaudi's work is incredible. We are sitting not far from La Sagrada Familia and I watch the flock of tourists milling about already forming a long queue to get inside. There's no doubt about Gaudi's talent but I can't understand why he went to so much trouble to make the spires look like they were melting. Maybe it's because he had been drawing his plans for so long and in the end, he thought he couldn't be arsed and so he just drew some squiggly lines. Maybe he thought he would come back to that bit later but he died before he could and now the builders are trying to build something he didn't intend to look like that. I like that idea. I chuckle to myself.

'What's funny babe?'

'Oh, nothing really.'

'Come on, tell me.'

'I was just imagining Gaudi giving up with his drawings and that's why a lot of that building looks like it's melting.'

'What?'

'Don't worry.'

'What the f**k are you talking about?'

'The Cathedral. There. That f**k off massive building that is swamped with tourists, mainly Chinese. The guy that designed it was called Gaudi.'

'Really? How do you know so much about it?'

'I looked up things to see and do before we came.'

'See and do? We know what we want to see and do. We want to sit in the sun and drink. I think it's sweet when you try to be clever. You're not fooling me babe.'

We both picked up our coffee and took sips in silence.

The rest of the day went by kind of painlessly. We mooched about in the heat whilst stopping off at an array of bars for refreshments. He was happy and so, I was happy. We had lunch down by the marina overlooking the fabulous yachts they have moored up. Many of the yachts had British flags on them and one of them which looked particularly grand had a guy running on his treadmill on the third deck. What a life. Not bad for some. That's something to aspire to. Make millions of pounds, move to Barcelona, get a three or four tier yacht and have a treadmill in one of the rooms that you can use whilst looking out over the bay. What a lucky bastard. I wonder if he's single? Even if he is, he won't be looking for a twenty something, slim blonde with a psycho ex in tow.

We spent the afternoon continuing to walk and stroll and drink and eat. The life of Barcelona was seeping into my skin. I was falling in love with the place more and more.

We went back to our hotel to freshen up for the evening. As we went into our room it was clear Tom had only one thing on his mind and I couldn't think of a reason to say no. I mean, the fact I didn't want to was surely good enough but not if I wanted to be able to enjoy the rest of our weekend here and so I allowed him. He lowered his slightly overweight body on to mine. All I could smell was smoke and beer on him and he stank. His technique wasn't great either. He thought he was great.

Well he would say he thought he was great but the fact he insisted on having the lights off said otherwise. It used to annoy me when we first started out, now I thought it was a blessing. I knew that I must do something about us soon. Him being on me made me feel sick. My body would recoil and I would silently beg for it to be over as quickly as possible. These days his best was about two minutes but for me it seemed like two hours. I hated pretending to connect and be involved and the only sense of euphoria I experienced was when he got off.

I went to the shower and I cried. He was sleeping as he so often did straight after. Two minutes really took it out of him so it would seem.

I'm not naturally a quiet crier so to sob in the shower took great skill to try and do so discreetly. I didn't want him to know something was up. I couldn't talk to him about it. What could I tell him? You scare the s**t out of me and I'm scared you are going to kill me and that's why I stay. I hate confrontation. It's not a conversation I can have and that's why I cry in the shower when he's not around. I am stuck between the 'run for your life or put up and make do' scenario.

Not many of my relationships have been great. What if I leave him just to walk into another disaster? At least being with him, I know the dangers. If he kills me then so be it. My time will be up and there is nothing I will be able to do about it. If I leave him I would always be looking over my shoulder.