Lost then Found

1 - Fresh Start

Ellen/Ellie POV

I let out a sigh as I take in the room I am standing in. The room that is supposed to be my fresh start, but all I feel is defeated.

How did my life come to this? I was married. I had a great job. I was happy, looking to the future with what I thought was the love of my life. A bitter laugh escapes my lips at that thought.

Here I am 26, sharing a flat with someone I have never met, our only correspondence has been through emails and texts. Who is this woman I have become? Desperate, that’s who. Pathetic. Miserable.

No, no, no, I won’t go down that path. Try to visualize Ellie. This is better than living a fake life. Visualize your new life in a positive light, like my therapist has been coaching me through.

You are finally taking your life into your own hands, following your dreams, the dreams your stupid, cheating ex-husband never supported. He cannot keep you in that box, fill your head with lies, give you a fake happily ever after. Walking in on him and his assistant was the best thing that could have happened. Now you know. Now you are free.

Okay, pep talk over. The room isn’t bad, spacious really. Good light, beautiful french doors to a small balcony. Perfect for my morning coffee. Rich hardwood floors, soft grey walls with crisp white molding. An older building with character and charm, the kind that I have always loved. Something HE would have hated, he was always needing new and modern, more like sterile and cold to me.

I move into the en-suite and I cannot stop my mood from lightening, as I drag my fingers across the marble counter that has been secured on top of an oversized converted dresser that is now used for the vanity. Something I have always loved, even have several pinned on my Pinterest decorating board for inspiration.

I get to work putting away my toiletries. The new fluffy towels that I bought in a soft lilac, a color I have always loved but refrained from using with him. Well, f*ck him, I can buy whatever I want now. The space is starting to feel like me and I like that, I like that a lot.

Walking back into my bedroom, I take in the space again. It really is a wonderful room, I only wish it was part of a house I owned, a part of a life with a man that I loved and he loved me right back, just as fiercely as I loved him. I cannot hold back the silent tears that fall down my cheeks at that thought, and this time I let them fall. It has only been a month after all, I cannot expect to be healed in such a short time. One month since my signature was placed on the divorce papers, a little over two months since I walked in on them together. I shudder, as that image flashes in my mind. It is still fresh, still raw, it needs healing, so I sit on the edge of my new bed. The one layered in whites and creams, and I allow myself to break down once more.

I sit up with a start, hearing a knock on my door. I realize I must have fallen asleep after my mental breakdown. I guess I am finally going to meet my new flatmate. Another soft knock echos in the room and I call out, “Just a minute.” I rush to the mirror and comb my fingers through my messy hair, mentally criticizing myself at my hollow appearance.

My eyes still puffy from my breakdown and my cheeks have lost all their color in the last two months. I look like a walking corpse. Oh well, I did disclose my reason for needing a new place, so I guess my appearance won’t be too shocking to my new flatmate.

I make my way to the door and let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, as I prepare myself for meeting the person I have committed to living with for the next year. As I open the door, my greeting gets stuck in my throat as I see the very handsome, very tall and imposing man standing on the other side of the door.

I’m sure my mouth dropped open as I stand there and stare at the man, perplexed as to who or why he is knocking at my door. How did he even get into the flat so that he could knock on my door, it’s not like my room has a separate exterior entrance.

He must have seen my shocked state and took the initiative to thrust his hand in my direction as he said, “Hi, I thought I would come introduce myself and offer any help you may need in settling in.”

Introduce himself? Help settling in? Then it hits me, he is my new flatmate. He must be the Avery I have been corresponding with. The Avery I somehow just assumed was a woman, after all the advertisement requested a female, not a male flatmate. Holy s**t, I was so transparent in my emails and texts and now I feel vulnerable. I have never lived with any man besides my father, and my now ex-husband.

I pull myself together and place my hand in his, “Nice to meet you…err sorry I thought you were female…kind of put me in a bit of shock there….” I trail off with a nervous chuckle.

He chuckles back, seemingly just as nervous and says, “Yeah, I get that a lot, I suppose my name can be confusing. Avery, could go either way, I suppose. I hope this isn’t a problem, I mean, I’m not some creep or anything. I know the ad I placed was looking for a female,” he rambled on. “My experience with roommates has not been the best with blokes, tend to be a bit messy and the few I have tried were loud and had one too many one-night stands for my liking. I hope you are still okay being my flatmate.” He gave me a tentative look, almost seeming nervous. It was cute to see this over six foot, godlike of a man seem so anxious. I chuckle at the thought, I guess we are both in the same boat.

I square my shoulders and give my best smile. “Of course, I’m meant to start over and you have been nothing but wonderful through our communications,” I say in my most confident voice that I can muster at the moment.

His shoulders relax and his face lights up with a charming smile. “Well then, why don’t I give you a tour of the shared space,” he says as he points behind him with a slight tilt of his head.

“Sounds good, thanks,” I smile back and follow him out of my room. He points out the half bath that sits at the end of the hall between our rooms. The rooms I am only now realizing how close together they are. Our doors are practically right across from each other. A shiver runs up my spine at the thought of that, the thought of a man I just met sleeping in such close proximity. I shake off the shiver that ran down my spine.

“As I said in my advertisement, I have a housekeeper that comes twice a month to clean the common areas, but it is up to us to maintain the spaces in between. I keep basic cleaning supplies in the bathroom as well as under the kitchen sink.” I nod along as I listen to him. The half bath has a similar look and feel to the one in my room, only smaller and no bath or shower.

I follow him into the lounge area that I had walked by in a daze when I arrived, not really taking anything in. Now looking at it, I realize that it is a beautiful room, high ceiling, neutral off white walls, with the same crisp white crown molding that looks to be original to the flat.

The space has a generous sofa, I mean it would have to be to accommodate Avery’s height and frame. Two lounge chairs and a coffee table, with a bookshelf along one wall round out the space. The centerpiece of the room is a beautiful fireplace that I couldn’t help but run my fingers along the mantle, as I take in the pictures lining the space. Pictures of my new flatmate and his life, his life looks so much happier than mine.

“Ellen, Ellen,” I hear him call. Oh s**t, I must have spaced out. I have been doing that a lot lately.

“Hmmm sorry, did you say something?” I ask as my embarrassment tints my cheeks in red.

He clears his throat and says, “Yeah, I just said that you are welcome to add your own pictures or whatever, to help the space feel more like your home.”

“Oh, okay…thanks,” I say as my mind wanders to the fact that I don’t have anything to add. I left everything behind, not wanting any reminders of the fake life and the betrayal that still pierces my heart.

Next, we walk through the dining space. The room looks like it has been opened up partially, with a large archway so that the two rooms are open to each other. Each room more open then they once were while still having it’s own defined space. I’m sure they were closed off to each other originally.

The table and chairs are larger than I expected, a generous table with eight matching high-back chairs. One side of the room has a built it that is virtually empty, I guess Avery didn’t know what to put there. The room, while lovely, seems sparse and a bit cold. “I don’t really use this space, my Mum insisted that I would want to have dinner parties someday,” he said with a chuckle while rubbing the back of his neck. His eyes seem distant as if he is somewhere else entirely. I wonder why.

“It is a nice space, I can see why she would suggest that,” I say hoping to bring him back to the present. “So, how long have you lived here?”

“I bought it nearly seven years ago….I thought the girl I was seeing was the one for me…” he shakes his head with a huff. “Let’s just say, I can understand where you are coming from.”

I’m sure my eyes buldged out of my head at the realization that she must have cheated on him. I find myself asking in barely a whisper, “Does it get easier?” Tears making their way down my cheeks once again.

“It does,” he says with a sigh. “It takes time though,” he says with another sigh, and then I feel his strong arm envelope me in a hug. A hug that I hadn’t known I needed. I feel safe in his embrace, like nothing can harm me anymore. So, I lean into it and allow my sobs to come out without restraint. I should be embarrassed, but in the moment I really don’t have the energy to care.