Blink of an eye

Back at home

Catherine

I closed my eyes and leaned my back against the door. Finally back at home. I took long breaths and dropped my bag on the floor. Sweat ran down my forehead and I was feeling exhausted. Exhausted! I can't believe how unfit I am nowadays. Climbing up to the 6th floor had taken forever and I had to stop a few times to catch my breath. Maybe I should start exercising or something because I've noticed my shape going down during the last few months.

I slithered down on the floor, my eyes still closed. My head was pounding now, the effect of the drugs I got in the hospital must have started to fade away. I had no energy to move so I tightened my jacket around me and curled on the floor. Sleep washed over me very soon.

I had slept almost three hours when I woke up. It was getting dark outside and I was a bit confused. It took a moment to realize that I was on the floor in my apartment. Then I crawled closer to a small side table to turn on the lights. Light was so bright that I felt momentarily blind when I lifted myself up on the sofa. My home was small and it was pretty easy to see everything at once. I really couldn't afford to get anything bigger but I was okay with what I had. There was everything I needed; a bed, a sofa, a small bookcase and a round dinner table. Kitchen nook, bathroom and a tiny balcony. My whole life happened in a small circle around my home. I did a few shifts whenever I could in a restaurant near my home and spent most of my time here. I used to walk a lot around the area but lately I haven't been feeling like doing that anymore.

Finally I got myself up and went to the bathroom to make a warm bubble bath. Maybe it would help me to feel a bit better. I took my clothes off while waiting for the tub to get full and watched myself from the mirror. I didn't look any better than back in the hospital. There were bruises on my arms, left side and legs. It looked like I was beaten badly but I had had more bruises lately so it didn't surprise me that much. Bruises felt a bit sore and the same goes for the cut on my face. My head was still bounding. I opened the cabin door to look for ibuprofen. I got a prescription for stronger meds from the hospital but I didn't have the energy to go to the pharmacy on my way home. I decided that I'd do that first in the morning but ibuprofen would have to do it for tonight. I swallowed the pill with water and looked at myself again. My eyes looked dull and they had dark circles around them. My skin was very pale, even paler than normally. I definitely didn't look very well. Far from an attractive beauty, I thought and smirked at my reflection in the mirror.

The bath was ready and I carefully placed myself in the tub. The warm water felt so good! My apartment wasn't very warm and it was Fall already. Having a bath tub was one the small luxuries I allowed for myself in this cruel world. My sore body started to relax and the pain in my bruises came down a bit. I slowly caressed a scar in my left wrist with my finger while sinking in my thoughts. I had tried to end my life when I was seventeen. It was a close call, but somehow I managed to screw things up and was left to suffer here. I couldn't even kill myself properly.

It had been hard to come back to life again. I was forced to stay in a psych ward for a while after trying to kill myself. It took a while to convince everyone that I wouldn't do anything that reckless again and I got out a couple of weeks after my eighteenth birthday. I wasn't depressed or anything like that, I was just too tired to continue my miserable life. I had always felt like I had walked thousands of years on Earth. After failing to kill myself I somehow accepted that I couldn't go on my own terms and I started to wait a natural death. I realized that it might take a while since I was still so young. That's why I was so disappointed when I woke up in the hospital - because I could have finally found peace in death if I was lucky.

It's been seven years since I tried suicide, seven very long years. I'm almost twenty five now, my birthday will be in three weeks. One more year down. I had never liked my birthdays because I never found any reason to celebrate them. I was more like a prisoner, forced to live in this jail... With these thoughts I cleaned myself and got out of the water when it started to get cooler. I got out of the tub, rubbed myself dry and applied some body cream on me. I chose to wear black sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Black was an easy choice because I didn't even own anything else than black clothes. I smiled a little when I remembered how my father disapproved of my choice of colour when he was still alive. He said that I always looked like I was going to a funeral instead of being a young little girl. My father always called me the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. I had loved my father very much, unfortunately I still did after all these years.

I was feeling better after taking the bath. I heard my stomach grumble so I went to check out the fridge. Nothing, absolutely nothing else than a few pieces of bread and butter. I debated with myself if I should go out and get something to eat or not, but I was still pretty weak so I decided not to go. A Cup of tea and a slice of toast would have to do for now. I'd go grocery shopping after the visit to the pharmacy tomorrow.

The water kettle whistled and I poured a cup for myself. Sweet smell of jasmine filled the space and I smiled again, I absolutely loved white jasmine tea. There were few things that made me happy these days and tea was definitely one of them. I bit the toast and went to sit on the balcony. It was dark and the sounds of the city started to lessen. Of course the city was never silent but things calmed a bit during the evenings and the nights. I wrapped a shawl around me because the weather was starting to get colder. I enjoyed the crisp air around me and watched the fume rising slowly from my cup.

My thoughts wandered back to the accident and two mystery men. Who were they and why did they hurt me? Suddenly I felt like someone was watching me. I looked at the building in front of my balcony to see if I could see someone, but saw no one. I tried to relax and shake the feeling away but didn't manage to do so. Maybe everything that happened to me during the last couple of days was making me think irrationally. I better get some sleep before I start seeing things. The thought of my comfortable bed made me feel tired so I went back in, turned the lights off and slided under the covers.