Papercut

DRAFTS

I was in the middle of a good night's sleep when my phone rang. I answered without even looking at who it was.

“why?” I answered, still half dreaming.

“LUCAS!!”

Loud. Then this is no other than my best friend, Louise. I’ve known her all my life and we became each other’s best friend and best enemy. Judging from her voice, she probably isn’t home yet and has gone somewhere fun. You know those places where you can’t tell if the sun is down or up.

“Where have you been this time?”

“I just went to the bar with some friends and--” I cut her off.

“and you didn’t notice the time AGAIN, so you’re calling me now at…” I checked the time on my phone. “wtf 2am. Well, kudos for not staying ‘til 5am this time.” I heard her laugh at my sarcasm.

“Well, kudos for answering my call after 8 missed calls.”

“Oh sorry if I hurt your feelings when I sleep like a normal person.”

“It’s fine. Good thing I’m your best friend so I forgive you.” I am actually asking myself if I should just start not being her friend anymore. She is a handful but she’s also been putting up with me, so I guess I am not in the place to complain.

“Stop cursing me in your mind, Lucas! Come on!”

“But I am still sleepy. I can’t drive.” I snore.

“LUCAS!! I swear weird dudes keep asking me to give me a ride, so come here while I am still being nice.” I heard her whisper after she screamed my name. Please check if my ear is bleeding.

“and?”

She grunted. “Please?”

I chuckled. “Okay, send a pin.” I ended the call and she sent the location of where she was at. The Pseudo? No wonder. That bar is famous for weird rich dudes who thought they could get every girl with their money. I put on my black hoodie and grabbed the car keys.

Louise was outside the bar and 2 guys were talking to her. I parked across the street and got out of the car. As I walked to them, I passed by some dudes smoking expensive cigars with gold chains on their necks, the mafia and rich dudes' outfits. They were chatting about Louise.

“That is one hot chic.” Says the one with a gold necklace.“Yeah but she doesn’t know how to have fun.” Stated by the other guy who is lighting another cigarette. I almost burst out laughing thinking if only these guys knew her temper, and if she heard what they said, they’d be dead by now.

If someone asked me what my best friend is like, well, she is drop-dead gorgeous, but she is indeed a badass one. She has ash-brown hair and bluish eyes. But beyond that appearance is a sleeping tiger. I don't even want to get in her way.

As I approached the 2 guys and Louise, the first guy, who was wearing a white polo and a very expensive watch at that, grabbed her wrist. “Come on! This will be a fun quick ride! Bro, get the car ready!” These two are indeed drunk because they also reek of alcohol.

“Hey dude, let go of her.” I said. Louise turned to me and what she said made me want to go home and just leave her there. “See? I told you my boyfriend would fetch me. So you motherf*ckers can enjoy yourselves alone.” Those two guys are now fuming with anger from embarrassment. So, before anything gets out of hand, I grabbed Louise and got inside the car.

“Bro!” I said.

“Hell yeah! High five?” This girl is literally driving me crazy. I started the engine and drove to the nearest convenience store.

“Are you drunk?” I asked her because it had been 10 minutes and she was still stuck picking out a flavor of instant noodles.

“Of course not! I only drank cocktails this time.” She answered as she grabbed the Korean spicy noodles and a can of soda.

“You know you should stop staying out this late.”

“From what you just said, I am battling if you sound like my mom or a boyfriend.”

“Well, from what I heard earlier, I am the latter! Wow right!”

She let out a laugh. “Admit it, that was epic! Those guys keep pestering me so I have to make up something, right? And for the record, you're very welcome that I gave you the chance to have a girlfriend for 2 seconds. You never dated anyone again after--” She didn’t continue what she was about to say. “Sorry Lucas.”

“It’s okay.” I said, smiling. I paid for the food and drove us to my humble apartment. Louise is a witness to how terrible I have become after I broke up with X. She’s just looking out for me.

“Are you okay now?” “Yeah, I guess? Why?” She chuckled. “No more free drinks?” We laughed because I remembered how I always asked her to join me for drinks because of how messed up my mind is. Not a very good habit actually. My wallet is not happy with all the expenses I made.

I cooked the noodles we bought and I left her eating in the kitchen. I went to bed for a nap because it was past 3am and I was still tired. I woke up at 5am and saw Louise sleeping on the couch. Good thing she washed the dishes she used last night. I made her breakfast and got ready for work. When I was all done she was still sleeping, so I didn’t wake her up and left.

Once I got into the office, I placed my iced coffee on my desk and put away my bag. My supervisor then noticed the coffee before me. “Another coffee from that cafe, really?” I let out a fake laugh because it was still early in the morning and I didn’t want to attract negativity that could trigger my anxiety. I went to the treasury department and my day would be boring as usual.

These workloads are easy for me. The hard part is being with these people for 8 hours. It was toxic because of the issues and fake smiles.

***Louise’s POV***

First thing in the morning, I smelled something good. Maybe it was Lucas cooking me breakfast! But I still don’t want to wake up, so I let my dreams kidnap me for awhile.

By 10am, I went to the kitchen and saw what Lucas made for me was a pancake, bacon and eggs, and… under the plate was a note.

EAT AND LEAVE! He even wrote it with all uppercase letters.

I laughed and had a taste of the pancake. It was so good! He made me the same pancake from the new cafe we tried when we were at the mall, those with strawberries and whipped cream on the side. Yum!

I washed the dishes and I saw his notebook, the one that he used to write drafts of poems and short literary pieces. He was so excited when he finally found one with black pages in which he had a hard time finding a pen with white ink. I made myself comfortable on the couch while sipping some hot coffee. I scanned through the pages and read a few.

Once upon a time, our ending began.

An unexpected plot twist to a story that I thought was almost perfect.

There will be a new chapter, but it will have a tragic beginning because it will tell how we let each other go.

It will contain words like swords that pierced my heart.

Each and every line has vowed to be broken and bleeding

for a page of a happy ending has been torn apart.

Droplets of tears as I write can be seen in some of the pages because a memory of you and me just crossed my mind.

My hands became numb and the ink of the pen just turned red.

A mark of an endless love that has faded away without less heartbreak.

I actually can’t tell if he wrote this when they broke up, because his style of writing is mostly from stories or heartbreaks of other people, the movie he just watched, a song or a random word. Yeah, my best friend is quite a writer, isn’t he? I read through another page as well.

I keep asking myself questions about us. If you're still happy with me or if you still want to stay with someone like me. I lack so many things — I even see myself as an epitome of a perfect imperfection.

That's why I'm having doubts if I actually deserve you. I wonder if I should just let you go and if you'd be happier with that. Even so, my heart reminds me how I love you more than anything.

So — can I be selfish just this once?

"Wow! this one is good too." I remember when he and X broke up, Lucas always asked me if I was up for a drink and he wouldn’t even tell me what was wrong, not until I kept asking him to spill everything. He was so messed up and I’ve never seen him like that. Actually, X was the very first girlfriend that she told me about. That’s why even I can see how genuine and in love he is, and I also become a witness to how heartbroken he became after she ended things with him. His First Love is also his First Heart Break.

I never saw him cry in front of me, but I’ve seen the aftermath of his sleepless nights. His eyes would and his knuckles had turned red after punching a wall multiple times. It was his way of suppressing tears. Turning emotional pains into physical ones. He would try to hide it but I always call him out to give him an earful!

Putting up a smile while my thoughts are in chaos becomes such a common thing for me. But that doesn't mean I have won the battle. I'm still fighting and trying to be as strong as I can.

Telling myself to keep holding on while shedding tears ain't that easy. I am living while dying inside — and it's no fun that I am. You'll tell me that it's all in my head. Well, you see, that's the hardest thing about it, when my own enemy — is myself.

“Why doesn’t he write happy ones?” I let out a sigh and closed the notebook. I texted him that I'd be going home now. Good thing I am on vacation leave so I can still take long naps later.

***Lucas’ POV***

Sometimes I thought that if I got angry at X, I'd be able to move on quickly. That rage would swallow the pain I'm struggling with every day. So I tried but still ended up with scars - I just can’t.

In the end, she remained in my past. I have always thought that we could walk side by side with our hands intertwined. We’re supposed to be there for each other against this cruel world, but we choose to surrender even before we can even fight.

It took a lot of sleepless nights, shed a river of tears, willingly drowned myself in the sea of overthinking, jumped multiple times on the cliff of self-doubt — and I still managed to survive. However, there is no feeling of accomplishment nor happiness. Maybe because I freed myself from an embrace that I never wanted to let go of. I forced myself to loosen the grip, take a step forward, but I still looked back — hoping that someone would hug me from behind and tell me to stay.

But that didn’t happen. I was too blind to notice how far your footsteps had been. You were the first to drift away from our love, while mine is still intact.