Sagaciousness

Chapter 2

one choice



Carl sat on his couch, looking back and forth between his phone and the ceiling, trying to figure out whether he was about to move 10,000 miles away to Australia, leaving his home, girlfriend, family, friends, job, and whole life behind or not. The opportunity to move had suddenly come up when his best friend Novak decided he would be moving to Australia with his girlfriend.

At age 27 Novak was facing a sort of quarter life crisis and wanted to try and start something new and venture out into the world while he still felt new himself. Moving to Australia had been both Novak and Carl's dream ever since they were children and their family’s vacation there. They both felt a weird natural connection with the colors architecture people and feeling of the country. They visited against several times after throughout their teens and early 20s. On one of their trips when they were 15, Carl and Novak agreed that they would move there when they were older, that and they would start a business together. This would remain there dream ever since. As they grew older though like most dreams, it began to take a backseat to reality. Carl went to college for accounting in his hometown of Boston and got a job through a professor right after school that he couldn't turn down. Novak had a family member in a tech startup company in Boston and as a result he was given an opportunity to work for the company.

However, after four years of Novak working for the company, it was suddenly acquired and he was out of a job, as part of the layoff he was provided with a nice sized severance package. And now with some new extra money and nothing else stopping him he decided he wanted to start a business and take a major leap of faith in his life. His girlfriend, somewhat of a free spirit was on board with him. Novak came up with the idea of moving to Australia when creating an eco-friendly aggrotech company that utilized Australia farming industry and its demand for local farm fresh organic food.

One month later Novak told Carl that he and his girlfriend were moving to Australia within the next couple months. He told him about the business idea that he and his girlfriend worked on together and showed him the beta website and app he created, it looked and sounded great and well thought out. Novak's girlfriend had experience working in logistics and Novak understood the business and technology side. There was the perfect duo. When Carl didn't fully understand, Novak explained to him that he wanted him to be a partner in the business and that he should move to Australia with them. He told Carl it would be perfect, and he could initially be in charge of sales, marketing, outreach, budgeting in all the finances. He reminded Carl of their dream and told him how would only get harder to move and try to create something like this. He's sort of ridiculed the idea of Carl staying in Boston and working a corporate job for the rest of his life, as if that's what he really wanted. He told Carl how this business had a real chance to help people how they could build a business model that would provide families with food who couldn't afford it and help the planet by contributing to a more sustainable food industry. Carl agreed with Novak’s points but told him that he needed a couple days to think about it at least. Novak agreed and told him to let him know after he thought about it more.

Over the next day Carl thought about all the factors associated with the decision. He thought about how his mother had recently passed away just two years prior and he and his father had become extremely close ever since. His father was not taking it well and carl's older brother had a strained relationship with his father and so in a way Carl was all his father had left. He worried that if he left, it would break him. Carl also thought about his girlfriend Stephanie, they'd only been dating a little more than a year, but he had already started imagining the future with her.

Things were going well, and they just seemed to click right. He knew that he couldn't expect her to go with him and he knew a long-distance relationship was bound to fail if she even agreed to it. He thought about all his other friends and family he knew it wasn't as if they would cease to exist, but he also knew that in a way their existence would fade a little. Perhaps so much so for some that it would almost be as if they no longer exist at all. Then he thought about his current job he worked for a great firm with great benefits, and he finally started making some headway in the company. There was a lot of financial promise ahead of him and he knew it was the more prudent career bet but then at the same time he thought about how a greater risk meant to potentially greater reward. He didn't mind his current job, but it was fairly tedious and unexciting. He sorts of just happened into it as a means of a conservative career path. He had always dreamed of being a part of building a business and creating a more meaningful impact in legacy for himself.

Furthermore, he never particularly liked Boston. He had always wanted to move to the countryside ever since he was a kid. Specifically, he always envisioned the future where he lived in Australia. It was just one of those things that he had convinced himself of and now at 27 Carlton urged to leave home in for just own life for himself while he was still young. He wondered how he could turn down such an opportunity to move to his dream location with his best friend and try to build something potentially important and helpful. How could he turn his back on his own vision of his future, when it was right in front of him.

For the following three days Carl thought about the decision every waking second ruminating back and forth between the potential outcomes of both choices. After four days it seemed as if no matter how hard he tried he made no progress in the decision. He remained equally unsure as to what he should do on the 4th day as the first. Both options seemed impossible to decipher. It wasn't an equation with numeric values or obvious reasoning. Each option was completely different with their own entirely different set of variables and values, with no ability to know what any of it equated to. Carl had purposely held off sharing the situation with anyone else so to avoid getting anyone upset before we had a better sense of what he was going to do himself, but by this point he needed someone else’s opinion.

Over the next two days Carl told his father, his girlfriend, two of his other close friends and his aunt. He asked each of them what they thought he should do? Everyone gave him different answers. His dad and one of his friends said, he should go. His aunt and his other friends said, he should stay. His girlfriend didn't give him a straight answer, but her tears said everything Carl needed to know. They all had perfectly good rational explanations for what they suggested and yet Carl was no better off. He wondered how each answer could sound equally reasonable but be completely contradictory.

On the 6th night of indecision Carl went on a walk around the city to try and clear his head. He walked late into the night all around the city and along the harbor. Eventually he found himself on a bench facing the water completely secluded in a sectioned off corner of a pathway. He sat and he thought. He thought about how his entire future was hinged on this one decision contained inside his head, that in his brain was the power to facilitate one move that would contort his entire world forever, and yet he couldn't even know what choice was right. He thought about how insane this was to be given the ability to make decisions but not given the ability to ever know the consequences of them. He felt like he was blind and being forced to drive a car, you wished he could just know how both options would play out then he would know which one to choose.

Overwhelmed Carl looked out at the stars and moon glimmering against the water. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Suddenly an older man walked past Carl and sat on a bench just a couple feet away. This jolted Carl to attention. He was immediately surprised by anyone being in the same secluded pathway and was curious as to why a man who looked to be at least in his 80s would be out alone at 2:00 AM. Worry that the man was perhaps unwell or last, Carl decided to ask him if he was OK. Politely he turned and leaned over to the man and said, how's everything going?.

The man slowly turned towards Carl and said, Good. How about yourself?

Good... Carl responded. So, everything OK?

Yeah... everything is great. It's a beautiful night, isn't it? replied the old man.

Carl looked up to the sky, yeah it is... he agreed.

Then they sat quietly.

As Carl sort of jump back and forth between contemplating his decision again and being distracted by the man strange presence the idea of asking the man his opinion occurred to Carl. He looked over to the man and asked him if he could ask him a question?

Yeah... sure... shoot... the man replied.

Carl then went down and described his predicament. He explained the business, his job, his girlfriend, his best friend, his father, and everything else then he asked the old man, what he would do?

The man laughed a little as if he had some experience or insight about the subject that was comical to him. So, you want to make the right choice, but you don't know what the right choice is? the old man asked.

Yeah... exactly... Carl replied. I'm completely lost. I wish I could just know it both would be like you know…

Yeah... if only... the old man said with another chuckle. Wouldn't that make everything easier?

They sat quietly for a moment while the man thought. Then he said, what if you just decide right now based on what I choose. Someone who basically doesn't know you at all. It'll be like flipping a coin, but the coin is a brain understands the situation a little.

Somehow this made sense to Carl and after thinking for a moment he agreed. He just needed it to be over.

The old man paused and then quickly said, alright you're gone.

In a desperate clinging to reason, Carl asked the old man, who made you choose that?

I guess... you'll have to find that out, replied the old man.

Carl sat for a moment processing the fact that he was going to do with the man just said. Then when he got up and went to thank the man and wish him a good night, he was gone. Carl figured he must have just left while he was thinking and didn't hear him say goodbye.

Five weeks later, Carl was on a plane with Novak and Novak’s girlfriend, headed to Australia. Twenty years would go by, Carl has remained in Australia ever since he moved. He now considers it home. Even after 20 years it still feels amazing to him a walk along the coast or into the countryside, never ceases to amaze him and bring him a little piece. He and Stephanie broke up within the first three months of trying to maintain some form of a long-distance relationship. One and a half years later he met a woman named Natalie and fell in love almost instantly. They got married three years later. And they now have two healthy boys, who have provided Carl's life with a great source of purpose and love.

Carl, Novak, and Novak’s girlfriends’ business ran for about 6 years until unforeseen industry changes operational problems and regulations forced them to shut it down. They had tried pivoting the business model several times before it failed. All with no luck. During this time however, Carl discovered a surprisingly strong passion for the farming process himself. A year after, the original business ended, Carl bought a small indoor farm facility it started its own personal farming business. The business became profitable in the first three years, but the profit ceiling is low, and it brings in a fairly small amount of money each month. His wife who works as a freelance copywriter, doesn't bring in much money either.

Because of the low income in the expenses of two children, the financial burden made Carl and Natalie horrible and bitter to one another. Their personalities just never quite clicked after the early phases of the marriage. They've stayed together for the kids but they're miserable. Carl and Novak have remained close during and after the business and have formed a nice little friend group with others they've met along the way. Even though the original plan didn't work out Carl feels connected with his work and contributing directly to a local sustainable food industry it gives him the occasional sense of pride.

However, it has come at the cost of constant financial burden, heavy stress, and minimal free time. Carl isn't happy but he isn't unhappy he's a mix of both depending on the time or day. As the years went by Carl visited home less and less. He would go home and visit his father most Christmases and special occasions but eventually he started missing a few years here and there. The last time he visited his father was at his funeral. At the service Carl stood looking down at his father's lifeless body. He looked around at old friends, family members, neighbors, his brother who he hadn't seen in five years. He looked at his wife, he immediately needed to get some fresh air. After the service was over he walked to the bar down the street that he would go to when he was in his 20s. As fate would have it, he passed by Stephanie. They noticed each other hugged and talked for a little while. Carl told her why he was home, and she said she was sorry. It was weird he felt at ease almost as if they didn't miss a beat. He felt more comfortable with her in that moment than he had in a long time. After a little they said how great it was to see each other and went their separate ways.

Carl sat at the bar drinking alone. He thought back to the day he left and felt a weird sense of regret. He wondered if he did the wrong thing leaving his father and family and Stephanie. Leaving his good job that would have certainly paid away most of his car and problems. He remembered how he let some strangers make such an important decision for him and suddenly felt like his regret wasn't even his, which made it feel exponentially worse.

Later that night Carl walked around the city by himself to try to clear his head. He walked down the edge of the city along the harbor. He sat down on the same bench he sat on many years ago facing the water. He sat back in the bench looking up at the stars closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. He sat there for a moment. Suddenly an old man poked Carl shoulder. Carl disoriented opened his eyes to an old man standing above him. Before carl could say anything the old man asked him, if he was, ok?

Carl having realized he must have passed out on the bench.

Told a man, he was fine and just fell asleep.

The old man sat on the bench a few feet away as he explained Carl, how it was unsafe to fall asleep alone in such an area, you likely to get robbed or something, he said.

Carl agreed and said it was an accident. He explained to the old man that he hadn't been able to get much sleep the last several days because he had been trying to make the decision about whether or not he would be moving to Australia. After talking for a little while explaining his predicament about the business, his best friend, his girlfriend, his father, and everything else Carl had the idea to ask the old man what he thought he should do.

The man laughed a little as if he had some experience or insight about the subject that was comical to him. After a little more conversation, the man, said what if you just decide right now based on what I choose someone who basically doesn't know you at all it'll be like flipping a coin, but the coin is a brain.

Understands the situation a little stricken with the weird sense of Deja-vu Carl agreed. He just needed it to be over.

An old man paused for a moment and then quickly said, alright you're staying in a desperate clinging to reason.

Carl asked, why what made you choose that?

I guess you'll have to find that out, said the old man.

Five weeks later Novak was on a plane for Australia while Carl ate dinner with Stephanie and his father. 20 years would go by, Carl stayed in the Boston area, he's climbed the ranks in his career field and has become chief financial officer for a nice mid-sized company. He's making an incredible salary. He married Stephanie a couple years after deciding to stay. They decided against having children because Stephanie was against it and Carl wasn't sure himself and was willing to concede. Over the years their love grew stronger and stronger, they fight like any couple but there's a luster in their relationship that's rare and always present. They seem to just click as if their personalities were meant to work together. Their relationship has provided Carl with a great source of love and purpose in his life.

Carl had also remained close with his father and helped him into his old age. They've maintained a close bond that Carl cherishes. Most of carl's other friends however have moved away or drifted apart. Novak and Carl sort of last contact as well only seeing each other once every year or so if that. With no children and a higher income money has never really been an issue in his personal life is fairly stress free. He never really came around to liking his job though. As he climbed the corporate ranks, it came with increasing bureaucratic tedium, and he found an absurdity in pointlessness in it all. The longer he stayed though the harder it was to leave. As he's aged, he's felt a sense of boredom hollowness and social isolation in his life. He isn't happy but he is not unhappy. He's a mix of both. Depending on the time or day. On his 40th birthday Carl had a party. Novak flew out along with a couple other old friends at the party.

Carl spent a good deal of time catching up with Novak. And Novak told him all about the last couple years in Australia. He told him how his three kids were doing and how well the business was doing. Carl asks Novak about some details in the business and Novak explained how their third partner who they had found when they first moved and had helped them get the business through some hard times, was now playing a key role in the business moving into foreign markets. He told Carl the business was helping thousands of families each month and he was extremely proud of it. Then he told Carl wished he would have been the person he was talking about instead. Carl saw the pride and enthusiasm in Novak size when he spoke about his children and his business. Carl looked around in his coworkers at his apartment. He suddenly felt a sense of doubt and regret in his life path. He wondered if he did the wrong thing. He thought about how he let some strangers make such an important choice for him. The worst part wasn't even that his life was bad or good but that in this moment it almost felt like it wasn't even his to regret.

At the end of the night, after mostly everyone went home, Carl went down a walk around the city by himself moderately drunk. He walked down the edge of the city along the harbor. He sat down on the same bench, he sat on many years ago, facing the water. He sat back in the bench looked up at the stars closes eyes and breathed in deeply. Suddenly an old man pulled Carl in the shoulder. Carl disoriented opened his eyes to an old man standing above him.

Before Carl could say anything the old man asked, if he was, OK?

Carl having realized he must have passed out told the man, he was OK. He just fell asleep.

The old man sat on the bench a few feet away as he explained the Carl, how it was unsafe to fall asleep in such an area. You're likely to get robbed or something, he said.

Carl agreed and said it was an accident. He explained to the old man that he hadn't been able to get much sleep the last several days because he had been trying to make the decision about whether or not he would be moving to Australia. Carl explained the situation about the business, his best friend, his girlfriend, his father, and everything else. As he did Carl felt the weird sense of clarity. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he almost felt like he knew what each decision would be like. He had already lived them but yet despite this he still had no clue which one was better.

While Carl was thinking about this suddenly the old man interrupted, what if he just decides right now based on what I choose someone who basically doesn't know you at all. It'll be like flipping a coin, but the coin has a brain and understands the situation a little.

Carl thought for a moment and then politely said, No I... I think I need to decide for myself, thank you though.

I thought you said you couldn't figure out which choice was right, said the old man. How you going to get past that?

I guess I'm not Carl replied. I spent the last week trying to figure out which choice was right but maybe there isn't a right choice maybe there is just a choice.

What do you mean by that? interrupted the old man.

Maybe some decisions aren't hard because there's a better option but because there isn't one. This whole time I've been worried about regretting my choice by choosing the wrong thing as if I could even know what I'm regretting. Regret would mean there was a right choice, and I made the wrong one but how could there be a wrong one. The only thing I can know is that on the other side of the decision I'll be there. And if I'm there no matter what path I go they'll always be something to love and they'll always be something to dread and the only thing to regret would be not making the decision for myself. If you pick it, if anyone else picks it, if I leave it up to chance, you'll never be mine or at least it won't feel like it. So how do you suppose you choose now? I guess, I do my best to pick one and move on, Carl replied. It won't be chance, it won't be certainty, it'll be somewhere in between, and it'll be the right choice.

So said the old man with the continued smile, which are you going to choose?

“Every person is one choice away from everything changing”



Chapter 8