Crimson Haze

Rehab

I slowly open my eyes and I see my mother crying in the corner along with my father towering over her. I struggle to lift myself as I squint my eyes towards there direction “Mom… Dad….. wh… where am I” sadness and anger was filled in their faces as they looked at me, although they didn’t say anything I can already hear their disappointment on how I was extremely selfish and stupid and maybe I was, but I didn't know what else to do but seek comfort the only way I knew how. “How could you do this?!” my mother looks at me sternly screaming, I could tell that she had been crying for hours “I'm sorry Mom I just…” my dad interrupted me before I could say anything else “You just……WHAT!… you didn't think about anybody else but yourself.” Please listen” I ask “NO!!” my father says sternly “you listen your mother and I love you so much that it breaks our hearts to think that that's your only option out.” I can hear the hurt and concern in his voice “but you didn’t think…you could have talked to us or tell us anything we're here for you I don't understand why you thought you needed to do this…” My mom places her hand on my father and then she started in on me, taking a calmer approach “think of how lonely your sister, and all of us would be if.” My mother’s voce faded, I could hear my heart monitor beating faster “I don't want her anywhere near me right now!” “Why? What happened?” My mother asked her voice crackling from the tears “Why can't your sister come see you don't you want her to see that you're okay, that you're alive I shake my head no looking down at the scars on my wrist covered in blood soaked gauze. “Then please explain to me what happened” my mother asked “did your sister cause you to do this, what happened” I couldn't tell her. I wanted to tell my mother but thoughts started to run through my mind that I didn't want my parents to resent her like I do.

“I just don’t want her to see me this way” my voice cracking from my dry throat. Why do I always try to put her first? I don’t always put myself last I just don’t want my parents to see her like I do. I mean honestly how would you feel if you figure out that your perfect Angel was part of my decision to “”be at peace with myself””.

My mom tries to grab my hand, hesitantly I grab her hand I can feel her sapphire encrusted wedding band press into my hand. I gaze into her swollen hazel eyes, I try to apologize but a light tap on the door keeps us from talking any further. My mom wipes the tears off of her cheeks; running her fingers under her eyes and takes a deep breath “ come in".

Janelle walks in, tears start to fill her eyes “I’m sorry I.. I should have…… kept a b..better eye on you….” every few words cut off by her hyperventilating cries. She looks to my parents with sorrowful eyes. It was very strange it wasn’t like she was holding the razor, why was she wanting any forgiveness. I look at her with confusion “why on earth would you even ask for anyone’s forgiveness?.... you didn’t do anything wrong." My mom looks at us both putting her hand on her temples “Annie do you even care anymore”. “what do you mean of course I care?” I replied understanding as to how she can think that I don’t. “ Then please explain to us… what we haven’t done enough of to make you happy with your life.” I look at my parents desperation for an answer, but what could I tell them between the dreams, my sisters betrayal and this unnerving feeling that I’m not meant to be here.

Moments feel like hours with all three of their pitiful gazes on me. When I here the tapping of a clipboard on the door. The doctor enters he looks around and I can tell he can definitely feel the tension in the room. He doesn’t seem to be old enough to be a doctor but he walks with confidence towards me “hello miss Annie how are you feeling”. “ I guess I could be better in a since.” He gives me a small smile “I’ve noticed this isn’t your first time here.” He licks threw a few pages on his clipboard “ Mr. and Mrs. James I would like to propose an area where she can recover”. My parents looked at each other with great concern to his proposal then my mother looked at Janelle with a stern look “please leave, this is a family matter.” Janelle looked at me with tears and then at my mom “Yes ma’am I understand…I will leave….. please forgive me”

Janelle slowly went to the door and closed it my mother looks at the doctor “please explain to me what you mean” the doctor clear his throat and hesitantly says “ I suggest that she goes to a rehab center to make sure that she’s safe to be alone, obviously something in this area is causing her great concern and since she will not tell you what is going on she can go to an area where she can talk to others that have learned to cope.” My father looks with anger at the doctor then at me and with total disgust he rolls his eyes “where exactly is this rehab center” the doctor takes a deep breath and puts a hand on my mothers shoulder, my father looks with great disgust at the man touching my mother. The doctor can tell that he needs to release his hand. He looks at my parents “due to the fact that she is of age and considered an adult legally we do not have to tell you the location, unless she wants to disclose the location.” The doctor walks over towards me reassuring me that I can answer honestly. He leans in closely and whispers “If you do not feel comfortable giving an honest answer in front of your parents I can ask them to leave.” I look at him and then I look at my parents scared to answer honestly but something is screaming in the back of my head to tell him to make them leave so I look back at the doctor and nod for them to leave.